What's Going On?

[Mike]

I need to give you some background on my situation, so please bare with this...

 

On approximately November 16, 1999 a woman who I'd been seeing a little under two and a half years broke up. During that time we lived together for a little under two years. The reason we broke off our relationship is that she cheated on me...she thought she had feelings for another guy and decided to investigate those feelings by kissing him (this is what I was told, but there could have been more that went on as well?). I purchased a house during our time together (it was and still is 100% mine) which I still live in today. During her move out of my house and into an apartment was was fairly nasty towards me. She'd show up in the house when I was sleeping at night to look around because her things were still in the house. She'd show up in the morning to visit her cats - yes I'm one of those nice guys who didn't just throw her possessions out onto the drive way even though all my friends told me to. There were emails and letters and big yelling fights when she was around, you name it..all of the usual nasty things that could be done were.

 

Shortly after this, I started hanging around more and more with a female friend who I'd known from before for about 6 to 8 months. She gave me excellent advise consoled my heart and soul. After a while we were friends who slept together on the couch during a movie for no other reason than to cuddle. Then we started to sleep together during the nights. All of this occurred over the course of about a month or a month and a half. Then we kissed and the chemistry started between us at a romantic level. We fell hopelessly in love with each other. Now, you're reading this and thinking - oh oh. But we talked about various aspects of our relationship; we talked about rebounding; we talked about our past relationships (she had a bad past relationship that ended in October of 99 as well).

 

I've asked my new girlfriend to marry me about a week ago (I thought it was very romantic). She said 'yes' and was very happy and excited about my proposal. Now she seems distant and it feels like she's pulling away a little. I asked her if/when she would like to move in with me and she said that she doesn't feel comfortable moving in. It's like she said yes and got cold feet. But when I ask her about it she says everything is fine. I don't know what to think, I love this woman and don't want to screw anything up, if I haven't done so already. If you need some more information please let me know.

 

Mike

[Ren]

Mike,

 

I don't think there is anything "going on" with your girlfriend. From what you've said, it DOES indeed sound like cold feet....not the cold feet that would make her turn tail and run mind you...but the kind where she's thinking: "OH WOW, this is so fast, is this right?" etc.

 

not to worry, these are all things that she will realize are not a big deal, and she will wake up and say "HEY I love him" and all will be well again.

 

I'd hold off on picking a date for the wedding tho, just cause you don't want her to think she's being rushed. Give her the time she needs to realize what she already knows.

[Shirley]

I need to give you some background on my situation, so please bare with this... On approximately November 16, 1999 a woman who I'd been seeing a little under two and a half years broke up. During that time we lived together for a little under two years. The reason we broke off our relationship is that she cheated on me...she thought she had feelings for another guy and decided to investigate those feelings by kissing him (this is what I was told, but there could have been more that went on as well?). I purchased a house during our time together (it was and still is 100% mine) which I still live in today. During her move out of my house and into an apartment was was fairly nasty towards me. She'd show up in the house when I was sleeping at night to look around because her things were still in the house. She'd show up in the morning to visit her cats - yes I'm one of those nice guys who didn't just throw her possessions out onto the drive way even though all my friends told me to. There were emails and letters and big yelling fights when she was around, you name it..all of the usual nasty things that could be done were. Shortly after this, I started hanging around more and more with a female friend who I'd known from before for about 6 to 8 months. She gave me excellent advise consoled my heart and soul. After a while we were friends who slept together on the couch during a movie for no other reason than to cuddle. Then we started to sleep together during the nights. All of this occurred over the course of about a month or a month and a half. Then we kissed and the chemistry started between us at a romantic level. We fell hopelessly in love with each other. Now, you're reading this and thinking - oh oh. But we talked about various aspects of our relationship; we talked about rebounding; we talked about our past relationships (she had a bad past relationship that ended in October of 99 as well). I've asked my new girlfriend to marry me about a week ago (I thought it was very romantic). She said 'yes' and was very happy and excited about my proposal. Now she seems distant and it feels like she's pulling away a little. I asked her if/when she would like to move in with me and she said that she doesn't feel comfortable moving in. It's like she said yes and got cold feet. But when I ask her about it she says everything is fine. I don't know what to think, I love this woman and don't want to screw anything up, if I haven't done so already. If you need some more information please let me know. Mike

Hi

 

You haven't screwed anything up. She just doesn't feel the same way you feel about your relationship. If you didn't fall in love with her when you were dating before, you won't fall in love with her this time either. Falling in love happens pretty suddenly. Now you may have a great friendship with her. But thats not enough to make a marriage. Marriage is a partnership where each one feels like they are a part of the other. Goals and dreams are made together. She probably wants to keep the friendship. But marriage is a huge step, and she probably isn't comfortable with her own feelings. And this is something that she will have to work out in her own mind. Nothing you say or do can change how she feels about you.