Can it work with the other guy?

[frannie]

So I have been married for 8 years' date=' together for 10 and I have been having an affair for the last 3 mos. My husband is a great provider, loves me, and we have a lot of great toys, nice houses, etc., but he is very controlling, esp financially, as well as verbally abusive. He made it clear to me from the get go that he never wanted kids (I have 3 stepkids) and the 2nd year in my marriage, made me get an abortion, which was a horrible experience. He had had a vasectomy reversed (prior to me for a past wife) but thought that it never took and by the time we figured it out it was very far along. I never dealt with it since our lives were so crazy with the kids and life, but now I know I made a mistake and wonder if I do want kids. So over time, these aspects have gotten to me and I think that is why I started the affair. Plus, the hubby and I have never been that great in the bedroom ever. I think in retrospect, I married him in part because he was so together on the financial side. The other guy "K" is honestly a great guy. I did not pick a guy for just sex at all. Actually, i just really enjoyed talking to him and that is still the case. We have a great connection (esp sexually) but it is more than that. There is nothingthat I don't like about him. Long story short, he would marry me and if I was single, i think it could happen. The hubby and I are in counseling but I am not sure if I want to stay. I know that I need to decide for the right reasons and I should stop seeing K but i seem to have no willpower. Does anyone have any suggestions? btw, the hubby and I have a lot of assets in both our names and he is going to be horrible in a divorce. But i am so unhappy in the marriage.. but is it the marriage or "K" ?[/quote']

 

First of all, CHC, you are not responsible for his verbal abuse. I can't believe someone even suggested that you might be. We are each responsible for our own actions, and if he gets drunk and swears at you and verbally degrades you like that, then that's on HIM.

 

Secondly, he told you that he couldn't guarantee 'being there for you' if you had the baby you found you were carrying. That's pretty terrible if you ask me. He's your husband. You didn't get pregnant on purpose, and he should have supported you whatever choice you made about that child. It's ok for you to look after his kids, but he wasn't going to be there for you if you carried to full term with your own? Is that really what happened?

 

I can't say whether or not it would work out with this OM. To be honest that doesn't really matter. You need to get this sorted out with your H now. Does he know how you feel? Why did it take so long to become angry about the abortion? Are you sure that things can't be worked out at home? Or is it the case that when this new man came along it was the first time you really looked at what you have and realised it's never going to get any better?

[coolhippiecat]

Re my hubby reversing the vasectomy, he did it prior to me for another wife. THey were back and forth in their relationship and she actually got pregnant by another man when they were separated one time. I should have seen the writing on the wall then as he made her get an abortion when they got back together. From what i understand, they were trying to do the baby to fix the marriage.

Again, i honestly did not marry the hubby for the $ . i had no clue when i met him and i have always paid my own way and been successful on my own. I always would say to myself that if a guy at least takes care of his own bills and can hold his own, then that is the minimum what i want. one thing i will agree on wholeheartedly is that i will never be with a man again who is controlling. it is very insidious tho you know? it kinda sneaks up on you. having been on my own for my entire life, i think that initially it was nice to have someone else handle things, but then after a while it became too possessive. i have been a great steward with my $ as well as that of the businesses i have run for us, i have never taken any money out "on the side" for me, i am extremely frugal with my expenses, so it is beyond me why he cannot allow me to have a joint credit card or joint bank account or know anything about his finances. even the counselor in marriage counseling told me (in front of him) that it is not me whom he distrusts with his credit it is everyone. she said to me privately that we have a 50/50 shot as we are not very compatible.

 

 

so that is it.. man, i think that this is such a difficult decision and this is just the start! hopefully, i won't have to start a new thread in the future about how my divorce is going. thanks!

[coolhippiecat]

Re my hubby reversing the vasectomy, he did it prior to me for another wife. THey were back and forth in their relationship and she actually got pregnant by another man when they were separated one time. I should have seen the writing on the wall then as he made her get an abortion when they got back together. From what i understand, they were trying to do the baby to fix the marriage.

Again, i honestly did not marry the hubby for the $ . i had no clue when i met him and i have always paid my own way and been successful on my own. I always would say to myself that if a guy at least takes care of his own bills and can hold his own, then that is the minimum what i want. one thing i will agree on wholeheartedly is that i will never be with a man again who is controlling. it is very insidious tho you know? it kinda sneaks up on you. having been on my own for my entire life, i think that initially it was nice to have someone else handle things, but then after a while it became too possessive. i have been a great steward with my $ as well as that of the businesses i have run for us, i have never taken any money out "on the side" for me, i am extremely frugal with my expenses, so it is beyond me why he cannot allow me to have a joint credit card or joint bank account or know anything about his finances. even the counselor in marriage counseling told me (in front of him) that it is not me whom he distrusts with his credit it is everyone. she said to me privately that we have a 50/50 shot as we are not very compatible.

 

 

so that is it.. man, i think that this is such a difficult decision and this is just the start! hopefully, i won't have to start a new thread in the future about how my divorce is going. thanks!

re why it took me so long to figure out about my anger, right after the abortion my mother died in a really bad car accident on the freeway. i took care of her husband for the next four mos getting him in and out of healthcares. then i quit my job, started a business, started another after we sold that one. plus, my stepkids were having a lot of challenges as well as his family, so i was assisting with that and being there for them. now that they are older and i have more time and perspective, i think that it is starting to hit me. it is funny that you put itin perspective like tht about me caring for his kids and him not being there for ours. i never thought of it like that but that is really what it is like. and i have allowed him to think that he can treat me like that. i guess better late than never in changing your perspective.. thank you for the input..

[TrustInYourself]

Every time you post I hear you fishing for sympathy. Maybe that's just my perspective.

 

I'm probably just biased because instead of working it out in your marriage, which was supposed to be for better or worse, you decided to bail.

 

Yeah, maybe he had control issues. Those can be worked through by two responsible adults.

 

Love isn't just some fancy ass feeling that comes from luck and changes the next minute when you get bored.

 

People like you give marriage a bad name and are the reason for metrics like 50% divorce rates after 7 years.

 

Grow up. How many marriages do you want to fail before you stick with one?

[coolhippiecat]

Hey, I thought that marriage was a partnership. We have been to counseling and the fact of the matter is that he is not willing to change and work with me on things. To quote, " he has been this way for almost 50 years and it has been working for him so far and he is not going to change". This is in relation to his anger issues. Also, he is the "captain of the ship", "I came into HIS world".. etc. Those are his quotes, not mine. If he is not willing to see me as an equal partner and thinks that the verbal abuse is ok, there is not much that I can do. I honestly thought that i could live with it. But I have been going to a counselor for the last 2 years, and I realized that I just don't like it and don't deserve it. The biggest thing that I ever say back is tht he is being a jerk, btw. In case you are wondering , it is not just me who thinks that he has anger issues. He is always getting in verbal fights with his friends and they know how he is with me. Anyway, I am tired of asking for more consideration and going over the same things again and again and getting verbally pummeled. I don't care at this point if I am living in a studio, I want to be happy. Also, I know that I did the wrong thing with the affair. But I can't sit here and guilt myself about it as what is done is done. But it did make me realize the extent of my unhappiness in the situation and that for both of us, the best thing may be to be apart period.