Anyone ever dated or married someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

[KHAOS]

I dated somebody with BPD for 3 months. Depending on what day it was, it was either the most awesome relationship or the most horrible relationship I've ever had.

 

After dating for a month is when all the signs came out. Nothing was constant. It was a roller coaster ride that drained me completely. It's a shame things went the way they did, because I truly loved her, and I still do...we clicked and fit on so many levels, it was amazing. I had even thought about marrying her. Glad I didn't though.

[underpants]

I dated somebody with BPD for 3 months. Depending on what day it was, it was either the most awesome relationship or the most horrible relationship I've ever had.

 

That is the cycling. It is very hard to deal with. Especially over time. It is draining on the partner. Or for that matter anyone with whom they cling to as a sign of stability.

 

I'm not sure what my ex's issues are (he has a subscription to many I think) but he does cycle. I thought he was just being playful, and not serious. I soon realized there was much more to it.

 

It is like a amusement park ride to date someone like this. However, after a while the ride is just .

 

Up and down and up and down, sideways and back. Eventually the momentary ups don't make up for the underlying and overall down.

[ARDriver01]

I was married to a BPD for four years. She cheated on me twice (that I know of), cut herself, hit me, eating disorders....

 

Sociopath. A person without a soul. Totally empty and fake. It was all for her, it's how she was raised.

 

I found her so many doctors and tried to hard to make it work and to get her help even after the adultry because I still loved her. Nothing worked. She prefered being sick and getting all the attention. Her grandparents paid 30k out of pocket initially for hospital stays for bull sh** suicide attempts.

 

I ran. I'm better. I'm not the same person I was before though. It made me very, very jaded. She robbed me of my emotions forever. I didn't even cry when my grandmother died. I just felt nothing. Thanks BPD X

[v33]

My ex certainly has some kind of mental disorder. And unfortunately is also an alcoholic.

 

There were mood swings, even without the booze, cutting, very delusional, fabricated stories but actually thought they were real, lots of crying.

 

Very likable behavior with strangers and friends but behind closed doors a complete wreck.

 

For the last 2 years I couldn't wait to be rid of her but was worried about what would happen to her if I left.

 

Haha, and I actually miss her!

[blind_otter]

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2006 - I have to say I still doubt that I really have BPD, because I seemed to "get over" it in a matter of 12 months; yet, from what I read, this is a lifelong disorder that can have severe consequences not only for the patient, but also for those in the patient's support network. It can be extremely frustrating to be romantically involved with someone who has this disorder, especially if it goes untreated.

[ARDriver01]

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2006 - I have to say I still doubt that I really have BPD, because I seemed to "get over" it in a matter of 12 months; yet, from what I read, this is a lifelong disorder that can have severe consequences not only for the patient, but also for those in the patient's support network. It can be extremely frustrating to be romantically involved with someone who has this disorder, especially if it goes untreated.

 

 

Do you find it hard to empathize with others. If someone is coming to you in need and they're hurting emotionally, are you like: puzzled, kinda... Like: "why are they so upset???"

[blind_otter]

Do you find it hard to empathize with others. If someone is coming to you in need and they're hurting emotionally, are you like: puzzled, kinda... Like: "why are they so upset???"

 

Not really. Lately, if anything, when someone else is upset, then I get upset, and then everyone is crying. Not very productive, I admit, but it's something I'm working on. Crying really does no one any good, even if you're crying because someone else is upset and that makes you upset.

 

I do know that right after my Dad died I was extremely numb and disconnected, but I attribute that to the severe grief I was going through. My Dad meant everything to me....

 

Most of the time, especially when SO and I fight, I get upset that he's upset because I don't want him to be upset. Does that make any sense at all? then again, since when did getting upset ever make any sense.

[ARDriver01]

I just remember that when my x cheated on me the first time, I was freaking out, crying, punching walls, screaming, vommiting and she just sat there like: "What's his problem?"

 

Yeah, if I was upset or sad or depressed, needing alone time whatever, she wouldn't leave me alone. She would get mad at me and call me names and make fun of me and storm out and come back, apologize and then say something horrible to set me off again. It was a nightmare.

 

I hope you don't have it. If you do, then being on this site is soooooo much better than self destructive journaling. Lol

[Lookingforward]

Not really. Lately, if anything, when someone else is upset, then I get upset, and then everyone is crying. Not very productive, I admit, but it's something I'm working on. Crying really does no one any good, even if you're crying because someone else is upset and that makes you upset.

 

I do know that right after my Dad died I was extremely numb and disconnected, but I attribute that to the severe grief I was going through. My Dad meant everything to me....

 

Most of the time, especially when SO and I fight, I get upset that he's upset because I don't want him to be upset. Does that make any sense at all? then again, since when did getting upset ever make any sense.

 

yes, but you're pregnant so we can't really tell anyway

[LakesideDream]

I was married to a Gemini for 25 years, does that count?

 

Seriously, BPD is something to get, and stay away from. It's a chaotic experiance with no upsides for those close to the sufferer.

[Lookingforward]

I was married to a Gemini for 25 years, does that count?

 

Seriously, BPD is something to get, and stay away from. It's a chaotic experiance with no upsides for those close to the sufferer.

 

unlike some disorders though there ARE varying degrees of BPD - some are mild and just act a tad fruitcakey now and then (but best to keep even them away from credit cards)

[bobdole]

Am currently in a relationship with someone pretty messed up. Has cut herself, has downed an entire bottle of prescription something-or-other when we had a fight, is depressed all the time, and occasionally has good days(as time goes on, they are fewer and fewer it seems). Lets just say I'm not happy and am looking to get out of this(some circumstances I don't feel like posting). My advice, don't persue this.

[lovelyfi]

oh i dont even want to start on bpd .my ex had it first few months he was the most loving guy in the world but when he went through an episode i would be called names ike bitch or **** off or if we had an argumnt he ould go date other women on myspace .it is so hard t deal with them because they are never wrong they hurt the ones closeto them.i went through **** dating him but i stayed coz i trully loved him then out of no where he wants us to get married i either give him an answer then or we break up.i said he should do whatever he felt right but i wasnt gonna be pressured untill he gets help.he was on medication but i doubt it helped coz at times everytime we had a fight he would threaten me with commiting suicide.3 months ago thats when we broke up his seeing someone he was seeing on myspace one of the girls he was dating at times when we had fights oh boy, she doesnt know what she is gotten herself into...its taken me a while to get my self esteem back but i finally did it thank God ..bpd worst night mare i wouldnt want to go through that ever again...

[sedgwick]

Seriously, BPD is something to get, and stay away from. It's a chaotic experiance with no upsides for those close to the sufferer.

 

Absolutely, totally, 100% untrue.

 

I have BPD. I spent 18 months in a revolutionary treatment called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. That, and lamotrigine (Lamictal, a mood stabilizer) completely changed my life. I haven't been in the hospital or made anything resembling a suicide attempt in four years. I don't feel totally "cured," but I do feel like a relatively normal person now.

 

BPD is fed by a childhood in which boundaries are unclear. If you grow up in a family with no sense of privacy and no decent coping mechanisms for anger, you don't learn necessary life skills. Once you learn those skills, they go a long way in mitigating the BPD behavior.

 

BPD people tend to be intelligent, lively, creative, and funny. Sure there are bad things. Being with someone who has any sort of mental illness and refuses to get help is a dead-end road. But if the person with BPD wants to get better, it is totally possible.

 

Never, ever, EVER listen to anyone who says BPD is something to run from and BPD people should, by default, be abandoned. We're not disposable. Have faith in us and we'll give you the world.

 

If you need to know anything at all, please feel free to PM me. I'm kind of a wealth of knowledge about this subject.

 

it is so hard t deal with them because they are never wrong they hurt the ones closeto them.

 

We feel wrong ALL THE TIME. We hurt you out of our own feelings of worthlessness. To say that someone with BPD is never wrong is a complete fallacy.

 

I can honestly say that in my last relationship, post-DBT, I was the best gf I've ever been. I NEVER threatened him with suicide, ever. I never engaged in any kind of self-mutilating or ED behavior while we were together. I worked hard with my therapist to make sure I was being the best partner I could be. I adore him and gave my all. And in the end I still got left. Abandonment is THE single biggest fear of a person with BPD. But post-DBT and with the help of Lamictal, I have been able to maintain NC and I feel that I walked out of this breakup with my head held high. I have nothing to be ashamed of as far as the way I dealt with being dumped. I never chased him, begged, threatened, or attempted to manipulate. I'd say I'm one of the people here on LS who has been the MOST successful at maintaining NC for a long period of time. He can say many things about me, but he can't call me crazy.

 

Please don't paint us all with the same brush.

[Lishy]

Sedge I respectfully disagree with you.

 

My ex had BPD and I would run from him a million times over. From the things I have read and the things I witnessed myself BPD is dibilitating to those who love a sufferer.

 

I am not talking about you as a person or every single person who has it as that would be ridiculous, but I would also advise anyone to never get involved with someone with BPD.

 

BPD is caused by emotional problems or a traumatic event as a child and is incurable. There are definately different degree's of it and different varieties. My ex had a attachment disorder and he switched from fine and thoughtful to mean and vile in a split second. He has still not let go of me nearly 4 years after me leaving him and it is stomach turning!

 

His dad killed his mum when he was a child and that is why he was like this, it was so not his fault but it was not my fault either and he nearly ruined me! To this day he will not agree that he treated me bad, he tells me it is MY fault for allowing him to!

 

I really feel for anyone with this disorder as they are a victim of circumstance but I would also not have anything to do with them either! I would run as fast as I could!

[sedgwick]

 

BPD is caused by emotional problems or a traumatic event as a child and is incurable. There are definately different degree's of it and different varieties.

 

I really feel for anyone with this disorder as they are a victim of circumstance but I would also not have anything to do with them either! I would run as fast as I could!

 

Totally, completely, 100% untrue. With the possible exception of Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder), mental illnesses are not caused by circumstance. How much have you studied the disorder, its etiology and treatment, its biological basis, and its treatment? How many people have you spoken with who have done DBT or Schema Therapy? How much have you read about T-channel gating and amygdalal dysfunction in the biology of the disorder?

 

If BPD is caused by "emotional problems," and is not, in and of itself, an emotional problem, please expound upon your choice of syntax.

 

Please, please, please, please, please don't talk about illnesses if you are not fully informed. It is beyond insulting to someone with BPD who has worked her ass off to get better --and who has spent five years researching it while writing a book -- to dismiss the disorder as "incurable," especially without having done a HELL of a lot of homework. If you tell me you have read the current work of R.R. Llinas and Marsha Linehan, I'll be happy to discuss it with you. If you haven't, your experience of BPD is purely anecdotal.

[Ricky456]

Stay on, and continue what u r doing

[sedgwick]

Forgive me for using the phrase "its treatment" twice in one sentence. I didn't proofread that post well enough.

 

Also, Lishy, can you speak to the work of Dr. Larry Siever in California, who reported after a double-blind study that patients with Borderline Personality Disorder tended to show greater responses to pharmacologic agents which induce affective changes? Can you lay out for me your negations of that and their biological basis? What is your take on the interaction of the thalamus and the amygdala in BPD, and its treatment with calcium-channel-gated neuroleptics?

 

In saying that one should "never" get involved with someone with BPD, you are essentially saying that I am not worthy of ever having a relationship again. But again, I'm assuming nobody would ever say anything like that without extensive research -- that would be unbelievably insulting to the sufferers -- so I'm really anxious to hear about your study of the disorder.

[Lishy]

Sedge, BPD has ruined my life and my son's life so please do not tell me that I do not know what I am talking about!

 

I have read and read and spoken to numerous psychiatrists and doctors and each have told me the same thing!

 

BPD is NOT curable! It isn't!

 

You may (if you are strong minded enough) get help to manage it better but that is not a cure it is simply managing what you have. Most people with BPD have a huge fear of abandonment and that comes out to play it the most vilest way!

 

I am sorry if you feel I am distrepecting the way you have dealt with your illness Sedge and I really do not mean to. But hon you have had 18 months of intense therapy and yet you still have many BPD traits, that is because it will alway be there, you are just lucky enough to be strong minded enough to control it better than others!

[sedgwick]

 

I am sorry if you feel I am distrepecting the way you have dealt with your illness Sedge and I really do not mean to. But hon you have had 18 months of intense therapy and yet you still have many BPD traits, that is because it will alway be there, you are just lucky enough to be strong minded enough to control it better than others!

 

Oh, please do expound upon my current BPD traits. I'd love to hear about my diagnosis from someone who's never met me in real life and is armchair-psychiatrist-ing me from the internet. I will expect you to defend your study stringently, as can I. I want to know specifically what you've discussed with doctors about T-channel gating, DBT, and Schema Therapy, as those are the current treatment methodologies and areas of intense study. If you can't speak at length on these factors, you don't know the most current information available about the disorder.

 

There is NO SUCH THING as "strong mindedness" curing a mental illness. There IS such a thing as therapy and medication doing so. What do you know about serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine regulation in the treatment of this "incurable" disorder?

 

You mentioned having spoken to psychiatrists and researchers and having been told the disease is incurable. This flies in the face of the psychiatrists and researchers who have treated me and granted me interviews, and everything I've studied extensively in the past five years. Please tell me the doctors to whom you have spoken, their credentials, and their take on the work of Llinas, Linehan, and Siever.

 

Also, please address the reasons why I should never have another romantic relationship. I am beyond insulted, angered, and dismayed at what you've said. How about if I note the fact that you can't spell and diagnose you over the internet based on anecdotal evidence as dyslexic or learning disabled? Certainly that would be no less insulting than what you're saying to me.

 

And as for our responding to abandonment in the "most vilest" way (love that syntax), please tell me what was so vile about my telling my ex that I love him always and then giving him the space he wanted. I'm very interested to know how my behavior is more "vile" than those who call endlessly, show up at the person's house, and get the cops called on them. I do believe I've read about people on LS doing this, and I do believe I didn't. But obviously, my behavior is the "most vilest" (incidentally, I'll be happy to attempt to diagram your sentences) of all.

 

It always just stuns me that I can sit and talk about this disorder all day, from EXTENSIVE study and research as well as a lifetime of personal experience, but someone who knew a BPD person at some point in their lives wants to negate me. Bring it on! Please start by specifically addressing the question I asked before: What is your take on the interaction of the thalamus and the amygdala in BPD, and its treatment with calcium-channel-gated neuroleptics?

[Nevermind]

Relax, sedge.

 

You seem very agitated. Nobody here tries to hurt you.

 

You're writing a book, and you have extensive knowledge about BPD. You yourself have been diagnosed with it, and of course both of these things make you an expert.

 

Lishy has been in a relationship with someone who has BPD. Her point of view comes from a completely different experience from yours. Yet this doesn't make her point completely invalid.

 

I think you should reconsider making ugly remarks about somebody based on their writing and spelling. Lishy explicitly made it clear that she did not want to insult you. You, however, come off as condecending. And this is not helping your position. Neither did Lishy comment on your recent break-up.

 

I see a lot of pain in your writing, and I understand. Just don't make pain lead your typing hand.

[sedgwick]

Relax, sedge.

 

You seem very agitated. Nobody here tries to hurt you.

 

You're writing a book, and you have extensive knowledge about BPD. You yourself have been diagnosed with it, and of course both of these things make you an expert.

 

Lishy has been in a relationship with someone who has BPD. Her point of view comes from a completely different experience from yours. Yet this doesn't make her point completely invalid.

 

I think you should reconsider making ugly remarks about somebody based on their writing and spelling. Lishy explicitly made it clear that she did not want to insult you. You, however, come off as condecending. And this is not helping your position. Neither did Lishy comment on your recent break-up.

 

I see a lot of pain in your writing, and I understand. Just don't make pain lead your typing hand.

 

I feel as though Lishy is being tremendously insulting in making sweeping statements (such as that the disorder is not curable) to someone who not only has the disorder, but has busted her ass to gain some insight, both personally and scientifically. Had she said, "This is simply my anecdotal experience," I'd never have taken her on. But I don't think it's acceptable to spout misinformation about a well-studied phenomenon about which one could easily educate oneself with a simple google search.

 

Lishy told me I still had "BPD traits," even though she does not know me. That, too, is very insulting...and condescending? Oh hell yes. There is a difference between agitation and indignation.

 

How would you feel if someone told you, essentially, that you were wrong about your work, and couldn't back up anything they said with concrete data? And then how would you feel if you challenged them and someone told you to "relax?" Should I just sit back and let people go on with untruths, just so nobody will think I'm not "relaxed?"

 

Sure I feel pain. Don't we all? Is pain specific to borderlines? But my desire to stand up for myself and others with my disorder is what's "leading my typing hand." That's not pain, it's a dedication to stringent research. If Lishy can speak intelligently on the work of the doctors who told her my disorder was "incurable," I'll happily listen.

[Lishy]

Sedge I have no business in hurting you, I write what I do (and I dont take it back) out of personal experience and the reading and talking I have done around this experience!

 

My experience, and also the experience of people I have been in self help groups with, have been that a person with BPD will hammer down your self esteem and render you worthless! I am not the only person who feels this way after being in a relationship with a BPD.

 

I am not out to hurt you or make you feel bad and I laugh when you try to blind me with science and say I cannot spell, I have never professed to be an English teacher so I take no insult from it!

 

You have asked me why you should never be in a relationship again? Can you tell me where I said that? When did I say you are no good and should never love? Never once did I say that Sedge - I did say that if someone asked my advice on whether they should get into a relationship with a BPD the I would shout NO! I say this because of what I have been through.

 

I did not say that your ex should have left you because you are a bad person, I was not referring to your break up but your dealing with it! I do not have to go into detail do I hon? Your BPD is the reason you cannot get over this man nearly a year later and you have professed that you have had intensive therapy and you still struggle. Has any professional told you that you are now cured? I doubt it babe as BPD is not curable!

 

Sedge you have your experiences and feelings and I have mine, if I offended you I did not mean to!

[sedgwick]

Sedge I have no business in hurting you, I write what I do (and I dont take it back) out of personal experience and the reading and talking I have done around this experience!

 

My experience, and also the experience of people I have been in self help groups with, have been that a person with BPD will hammer down your self esteem and render you worthless! I am not the only person who feels this way after being in a relationship with a BPD.

 

I am not out to hurt you or make you feel bad and I laugh when you try to blind me with science and say I cannot spell, I have never professed to be an English teacher so I take no insult from it!

 

You have asked me why you should never be in a relationship again? Can you tell me where I said that? When did I say you are no good and should never love? Never once did I say that Sedge - I did say that if someone asked my advice on whether they should get into a relationship with a BPD the I would shout NO! I say this because of what I have been through.

 

I did not say that your ex should have left you because you are a bad person, I was not referring to your break up but your dealing with it! I do not have to go into detail do I hon? Your BPD is the reason you cannot get over this man nearly a year later and you have professed that you have had intensive therapy and you still struggle. Has any professional told you that you are now cured? I doubt it babe as BPD is not curable!

 

Please stop calling me "honey" and "hon" and "babe." So very, very condescending and insulting.

 

And as a matter of fact, when I left DBT, my therapist told me I was one of her success stories! They had a little "graduation party" for me. My therapist said that working with me had been tremendously gratifying because I had worked so hard and improved so much. And if I'm still so sick, why did I make it through this breakup with ZERO self-mutilation, ED behavior, or hospitalization?

 

I am still waiting for you to answer the specific questions I've asked re: Linehan, Llinas, and Seiver.

 

Oh, and since you know for a fact that my BPD is the sole reason I'm struggling with my breakup, please tell me why others here are still struggling with theirs. Please also inform me as to why the other factors in my life have nothing to do with my struggle, since you seem to know me so well. And can you please point me to a study showing how long it takes "normal" people vs. borderline people to get over a breakup? Since you know so much more about the disorder than I do, I'd love to see your research there, too.

 

Your saying that BPD should be run from and that BPD people should be left is, essentially, saying that we are not worthy of relationships.

 

I never mentioned needing you to be an English teacher. I'm just saying, about the spelling, that if you want to attack and negate someone's research, you better damn well look intelligent while you do it. Now, please specifically address my questions, and point me to your research. Please show me one study -- any study -- from a major medical or psychiatric journal that definitively proves that BPD is incurable. If you can give me the names of the researchers with whom you have consulted who told you that, I'd like to attempt to interview them for my book.

[Nevermind]

Sedge, I am just saying that you came up with a very angry response and you wrote things that Lishy never alluded to. Nobody thinks that your boyfriend should have left you, or that it's your fault, or that you should never have love again.

 

I know that I don't have enough knowledge on the subject of BPD to voice an opinion here. So I won't.

 

I just read your posts and I felt the anger and hurt and frustration coming out of it, too much of it to be related to Lishy. You replied to things she never wrote

 

Also, please address the reasons why I should never have another romantic relationship.

 

please tell me what was so vile about my telling my ex that I love him always and then giving him the space he wanted.

 

Those two things, for example, came from you. And I would react just the same way you did, had Lishy written those things. But she did not.

 

This is why I said: relax.

 

It has nothing to do with BPD. As I said, my knowledge about it is insufficient to make a statement about it's nature.