Feeling overwhelmed about moving in together

[sunshinegirl]

GC, what are your thoughts these days?

[Zapbasket]

why then, did it put you off that he requested you pay YOUR portion of the premiums. for me, i guess i would see that as a sigh of relief, that we will still be two individuals at this point, not suddenly merged. quite honestly, i would feel relieved that he is not anticipating me to totally rely on him...that would feel very uncomfortable.

 

Hmmm, I hadn't thought of it this way. I guess it bothered me because it was in contrast to his encouraging me to come with no job, no license, etc. and he would take care of the finances. If he expects me to pay for my share of the living expenses, then he can't also expect me to move there with no job in hand. I feel he really needs to be definite about what he's willing to do, or we have a recipe for resentments. I also didn't like that he forced me to decide at the last minute, with 2 hours until the paperwork submission deadline. I trust he was well meaning about the whole thing, but his way of handling it raised a red flag to me that truly, the moving in / moving with no job thing is a bad idea at this time.

 

geez G.C., you know i want the very best for you...i was very in favor of the initial visit, explore. but now......if you have to ask if it's the right thing to do....is it?

 

I don't know! I know whenever I have to make a big decision, I go through a phase of ambivalence. With my ex, I constantly asked myself, "Is he the right guy for me?" In retrospect I wish I'd worried about that less, and just enjoyed the relationship.

 

I don't know what my gut tells me. I have this voice in my mind that feistly keeps saying, "Dude, I have stuff to do"--things to accomplish, experiences to explore, people to meet and I don't want anyone to crimp my independence. Which brings up my worst fear: that all this hedging is me being, basically, a committment-phobe. I'm terrified that perhaps I'm not cut out for an intimate relationship because I'm so independent-spirited. Men always like that about me initially, but then it seems I prove too much of a challenge. That's my biggest fear: that I am Too Much. That I don't really know how to let anyone in. Maybe all my fears around this guy are really that fear rearing its ugly head, as it always does.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Bunnies back at you: :bunny: I've been wondering about you, too--maybe post us an update???!!

[Zapbasket]

For what its worth, I would have done exactly the same thing as you re: the health insurance.

 

Thanks, SB.

[Zapbasket]

[deleted post

[sunshinegirl]

I don't know what my gut tells me. I have this voice in my mind that feistly keeps saying, "Dude, I have stuff to do"--things to accomplish, experiences to explore, people to meet and I don't want anyone to crimp my independence. Which brings up my worst fear: that all this hedging is me being, basically, a committment-phobe. I'm terrified that perhaps I'm not cut out for an intimate relationship because I'm so independent-spirited. Men always like that about me initially, but then it seems I prove too much of a challenge. That's my biggest fear: that I am Too Much. That I don't really know how to let anyone in. Maybe all my fears around this guy are really that fear rearing its ugly head, as it always does.

 

I am slowly learning to really really trust my gut. When it is in turmoil, that usually means SOMETHING is off. I kept squelching my instincts with my ex - everytime he said or did something that set off a little internal alarm, I just kept quieting the alarm by excusing and justifying and telling myself that I was just learning how to accept him as he is. Meanwhile, I was really just accepting less than I wanted or deserved.

 

As for your fear? Well, it may be worth tackling head on. I am learning that I have some abandonment issues which then manifest in commitment-phobic type behaviors (choosing unavailable men, thus guaranteeing that nothing will ever work out long-term). I too am independent and just realized that I fear being 'swallowed' up in - or bored by - a long-term relationship. But in my more rational moments, I realize that's a pretty irrational fear. My sisters are both pretty independent themselves, and they have husbands who love and support them. So why do I think it's impossible for me to find someone who appreciates my independent spirit?

 

The same may be true of you. To be honest, I just don't have a great feeling about this guy.

[sb129]

I am slowly learning to really really trust my gut. When it is in turmoil, that usually means SOMETHING is off. I kept squelching my instincts with my ex - everytime he said or did something that set off a little internal alarm, I just kept quieting the alarm by excusing and justifying and telling myself that I was just learning how to accept him as he is. Meanwhile, I was really just accepting less than I wanted or deserved.

 

 

Oh, me too. 100%.

The WHOLE time I was with my last 2 BFs, there was a little nagging something that never went away. Neither R worked out, and the second one was a complete disaster in so many ways. When it ended, I felt nothing but the weight of the world lifting OFF my shoulder. The relief was palpable.

I have never ONCE had even a smidgen of that feeling with my fiance. I was beginning to wonder if it was me, and that I would feel this way about everyone, but it was the ridiculous way I was trying to force these wrong Rs to "work" so i didn't have to face being single.

 

 

As for your fear? Well, it may be worth tackling head on. I am learning that I have some abandonment issues which then manifest in commitment-phobic type behaviors (choosing unavailable men, thus guaranteeing that nothing will ever work out long-term). I too am independent and just realized that I fear being 'swallowed' up in - or bored by - a long-term relationship. But in my more rational moments, I realize that's a pretty irrational fear. My sisters are both pretty independent themselves, and they have husbands who love and support them. So why do I think it's impossible for me to find someone who appreciates my independent spirit?

 

The same may be true of you. To be honest, I just don't have a great feeling about this guy.

 

It IS possible. I truly think it is. You just can't settle for Mr OK-for-Now, or you will never find someone who you don't have that nagging feelnig about. You have to hold out for Mr. Right.

[tinke]

i guess it wouldn't bother me so much that he requested i pay the premium, let's face it..it is what it is...another big expense. i know me, and i would feel very uneasy to know he was paying more into the relationship, which would lead me to feel obligated. however...i would feel strongly against the short notice to make a decision on the ins. but, i do not know the full situation, reason, etc.

 

well, you can still keep your free-spirit IF you are coupled with the right one. someone who is not intimidated or needy. i guess having second thoughts would be natural, but, a move and a new relationship would also be an exciting time.

 

if you feel it is too soon or feeling pressured, he may too.

 

waiting may unveil some tough decisions.

 

best to you with whatever you decide!

[Zapbasket]

From your post it sounds like your fear not so much about the relationship but more about your lost of independence. In my opinion, the relationship is new and if it doens't work out it's not going to be the biggest loss of your life as compared to a long serious relationship. I can relate to your independence and the fear of the unknown. It will take time to make friends (it took me 3 years in this town) and to establish a social circle. As hard as it may be, you will need to rely on your BF for a short while....you might even like it.

 

Thanks HYS. It's true that if this relationship doesn't work out it won't be devastating like the end of my relationship with my ex. And you're right: I HATE not being independent. It's very hard for me to accept help, ask for favors, etc. I only feel desirable when I don't need anybody. So maybe allowing him to take care of me a little bit, since he said it would be a "pleasure" for him, would be good for me. After all, no matter what happens with this relationship, I should milk it for as much personal growth as possible, right? And I think I can reach a compromise where I live in my own place at first and get a job there before moving there, and still allow him to help me--show me around, take me on dates, give me driving lessons, etc. Maybe in this way I can work on being less stubborn.

[Zapbasket]

The WHOLE time I was with my last 2 BFs, there was a little nagging something that never went away. Neither R worked out, and the second one was a complete disaster in so many ways. When it ended, I felt nothing but the weight of the world lifting OFF my shoulder. The relief was palpable.

I have never ONCE had even a smidgen of that feeling with my fiance. I was beginning to wonder if it was me, and that I would feel this way about everyone, but it was the ridiculous way I was trying to force these wrong Rs to "work" so i didn't have to face being single.

 

You just can't settle for Mr OK-for-Now, or you will never find someone who you don't have that nagging feelnig about. You have to hold out for Mr. Right.

 

SB, what did it feel like to be with your fiance in the beginning? What was the difference in the progression of your relationship with your fiance, and your relationships with your two previous boyfriends?

 

I'm definitely someone who will do whatever it takes to make something work (except, unfortunately, become a passionateless doormat. I've been in situations where I've wished I would just become a total zombie with no needs so that there could be no conflict. But I'm just not capable; I end up planting my feet and sticking to my guns and then I end up just feeling like a bull in a china shop, like the Too Much I so fear being. But I seem to have some internal block against turning myself into a pretzel). So how can someone like me determine whether all the effort to keep up a relationship is not worth it?

 

Several friends told me, in the aftermath of my breakup with my ex, that "The only mistake you made in this relationship was not breaking up with him yourself, and much sooner than now." I stayed to the point of compromising my dignity by begging him to communicate with me. I fear making a similar mistake, because I fear not knowing when to really go for a relationship and when to let a prospect go. I am afraid that I don't know HOW to recognize a Mr. Right when he comes my way.

[Zapbasket]

I am slowly learning to really really trust my gut. When it is in turmoil, that usually means SOMETHING is off. I kept squelching my instincts with my ex - everytime he said or did something that set off a little internal alarm, I just kept quieting the alarm by excusing and justifying and telling myself that I was just learning how to accept him as he is. Meanwhile, I was really just accepting less than I wanted or deserved.

 

I found a journal entry dated about a year into dating my ex where, writing about him, I said, "I need to learn how better to handle silences from other people." I always felt my ex didn't communicate, even from our earliest dates. And yet I hung on, and I realize now it was in a mindstate almost of a sort of apology, for being someone who might need more communication than he was capable or willing to offer. I, too, existed in the relationship blaming myself all the while for being "Too Much" when really I was, as you said, "accepting less than I wanted or deserved." It saddens me to see that I clearly must have some deep-rooted self-esteem issuess, otherwise I'd never allow myself to exist in that kind of dynamic with another person. ANd yet it's so funny, because people always tell me that I come across as very confident.

 

I am learning that I have some abandonment issues which then manifest in commitment-phobic type behaviors (choosing unavailable men, thus guaranteeing that nothing will ever work out long-term). I too am independent and just realized that I fear being 'swallowed' up in - or bored by - a long-term relationship. But in my more rational moments, I realize that's a pretty irrational fear. My sisters are both pretty independent themselves, and they have husbands who love and support them. So why do I think it's impossible for me to find someone who appreciates my independent spirit?

 

I am very similar to you in this regard: I always fear being "held back" by someone else. I fear that all my passions and dreams will be smooshed. I, too, have abandonment issues in that my father killed himself when I was two and previous bouts of therapy have showed me how I blamed myself for his disappearing forever and how this manifests in my always thinking every conflict, incompatibility, or instance of disrespect is somehow, by some twisted logic, "my fault."

 

To be honest, I just don't have a great feeling about this guy.

 

Thanks for being so honest. Can you pinpoint what it is that I said that makes you feel that way? I, too, have this nagging feeling that maybe he's not going to be viable for the long term...but then I fear that maybe it's just my, well, fear talking.

[Zapbasket]

Greencove, if you really need to follow your heart, why not find a decent job in CO, previous to moving? This way, you can keep a separate residence and not become dependent on someone who might or might not be who he portrays himself to be.

 

Tinke wrote:

waiting may unveil some tough decisions.

 

I've decided to go ahead and sign my apartment lease for another year so that I have more time to prepare for the move. You are both right that this is just too soon to go moving in with someone at the beginning of a relationship, and one carried out long distance, to boot.

 

I'm seeing him tomorrow for a few days and I'm going to discuss with him my idea of finding my own place and finding a job beforehandd and us continuing long-distance, with monthly visits, like we have been. This time extension should help clarify things at least enough that I will feel less freaked out regarding the move, and can feel confident that no matter what I can take care of myself and my career continues to move in a positive direction.

[sunshinegirl]

I found a journal entry dated about a year into dating my ex where, writing about him, I said, "I need to learn how better to handle silences from other people." I always felt my ex didn't communicate, even from our earliest dates. And yet I hung on, and I realize now it was in a mindstate almost of a sort of apology, for being someone who might need more communication than he was capable or willing to offer. I, too, existed in the relationship blaming myself all the while for being "Too Much" when really I was, as you said, "accepting less than I wanted or deserved." It saddens me to see that I clearly must have some deep-rooted self-esteem issuess, otherwise I'd never allow myself to exist in that kind of dynamic with another person. ANd yet it's so funny, because people always tell me that I come across as very confident.

 

Gosh we are like twins in this respect. I also felt at some level like maybe my need to talk about things was "too much". But hell, I can talk about all kinds of things with nearly everyone else in my life (except my parents!) and they're not bored or put off by it. So why was it okay that I would be bursting to talk about some THING, and he would give me one-liner responses or only half-interested replies? Even if I got him to engage in some topic, it felt so...forced. That he wasn't contributing equal energy or commentary to it. Or his opinions were so rigid, and different from mine, that I wound up defending my views instead of sharing them with an interested partner. In the case of my ex, it goes back to his inability to empathize with others, his disconnect from his own feelings, and his fundamental lack of interest in the world beyond his immediate fingertips. Ugh - sorry for the rant. The point being, I also had something going on inside me that made it somehow okay to accept this in him, to accept his lack of passion for anything outside of climbing, travel, food, and wine. I would have wound up twisting to fit his mold and his interests, either abandoning mine altogether or simply removing them from the realm of our relationship and meeting those conversational needs elsewhere. In fact, I was already starting to do the latter toward the end of our relationship...and I think he noticed. I just stopped trying to get him interested in things. What's also similar about us is that I also definitely come across as confident in most other areas of my life.

 

I am very similar to you in this regard: I always fear being "held back" by someone else. I fear that all my passions and dreams will be smooshed. I, too, have abandonment issues in that my father killed himself when I was two and previous bouts of therapy have showed me how I blamed myself for his disappearing forever and how this manifests in my always thinking every conflict, incompatibility, or instance of disrespect is somehow, by some twisted logic, "my fault."

 

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I didn't have an abandonment to such an extreme, but I did learn this week that my dad was very absent when I was 2-3 years old - he was working crazy hours at his law firm and didn't come home til 10pm or midnight. I think we missed some key bonding time in there somewhere. I also immediately go to the self-blame place when relationships fail. You've probably seen it come out in my threads. Why wasn't I enough for my ex? Why couldn't he love me? What did I do wrong? blah blah blah. To most other people it's obvious that he's a douchbag and wasn't right for me anyway. To me? It's a personal failure that I couldn't win his love.

 

Thanks for being so honest. Can you pinpoint what it is that I said that makes you feel that way? I, too, have this nagging feeling that maybe he's not going to be viable for the long term...but then I fear that maybe it's just my, well, fear talking.

 

It's a general impression. Mostly the way he came on so strong from the beginning, and that you were making some pretty big choices based on little actual time with him. His eagerness, I guess, combined with his age, made me wonder if he is actually a classic commitment-phobe...the kind that burn brightly at first, but fizzle out to nothing pretty quick too. More recently it has concerned me that he is pushing you so much and doesn't seem to be respecting your hesitations. Instead he seems to put a lot of pressure on you to go ahead with the big move anyway. Why the rush, you know? I think you are being very wise to step back a bit and think about what YOU want. If he's any kind of worthwhile guy, he will not balk too much at you waiting to move until you have a job and he'll be okay with you having your own place.

[Mary3]

I SEE HUGE red flags here !

 

This guy wants you to be dependant upon him in every way. You have no car, no license , no savings and no back up plan.

Why does he want you ? So he can CONTROL you . Mark my words . Potential ABUSE ahead !

 

He's much older and never been married , no kids and he's crying about adding you to his insurance.

 

You don't KNOW him very well. Why the heck would you MOVE in with him ? He might be really freaky or obsessive compulsive or even an abuser.

 

I would NOT move in with him.

 

If you must move to Colorado make sure you get your own PLACE.

 

Yikes this guy gives me the creeps !@

[sunshinegirl]

I SEE HUGE red flags here !

 

This guy wants you to be dependant upon him in every way. You have no car, no license , no savings and no back up plan.

Why does he want you ? So he can CONTROL you . Mark my words . Potential ABUSE ahead !

 

He's much older and never been married , no kids and he's crying about adding you to his insurance.

 

You don't KNOW him very well. Why the heck would you MOVE in with him ? He might be really freaky or obsessive compulsive or even an abuser.

 

I would NOT move in with him.

 

If you must move to Colorado make sure you get your own PLACE.

 

Yikes this guy gives me the creeps !@

 

Yeah, that pretty much cuts to the chase...

[Zapbasket]

To most other people it's obvious that he's a douchbag and wasn't right for me anyway. To me? It's a personal failure that I couldn't win his love.

 

Oh, do I know that thinking. You said something to me a while back in one of my threads (I think it was the one entitled "A question of values") about how it's great that I had all this love to give, but the only way a relationship can work is if BOTH people are willing and able to give that kind of love. You said that it's ridiculous for me to think that I could have done it all singlehandedly. You were so articulate in this that I really think you should go back and read your own post, for your benefit! It sure helped me....

 

(And yes, your ex is a total douchbag. His behavior SCREAMS douchbag.)

[Zapbasket]

I SEE HUGE red flags here !

 

This guy wants you to be dependant upon him in every way. You have no car, no license , no savings and no back up plan.

Why does he want you ? So he can CONTROL you . Mark my words . Potential ABUSE ahead !

 

He's much older and never been married , no kids and he's crying about adding you to his insurance.

 

You don't KNOW him very well. Why the heck would you MOVE in with him ? He might be really freaky or obsessive compulsive or even an abuser.

 

I would NOT move in with him.

 

If you must move to Colorado make sure you get your own PLACE.

 

Yikes this guy gives me the creeps !@

 

Yikes, Mary3! Okay, I'm definitely going to tune up my "red flag radar." It's certainly true that the difference in our financial status creates quite a power differential--even before you factor in my being in a new city with no license, no friends, etc.

 

I'm starting to feel I should wait until I'm rich to date anyone. I had the same financial disparity with my ex--moreso because he was in finance. When I was preparing to move in with him, he said to me (regarding what my finances would enable me to contribute toward rent), "I could get a roommate who could pay more." I felt so helpless. I feel that way now, as well.

 

I'm spending tomorrow through Saturday with him in a different city. I expect I'll have a chance to talk with him about my revised plans, and I think I'll learn a lot about where this relationship might be headed by his reaction. I'll let you all know what happens.

[Mary3]

Yikes, Mary3! Okay, I'm definitely going to tune up my "red flag radar." It's certainly true that the difference in our financial status creates quite a power differential--even before you factor in my being in a new city with no license, no friends, etc.

 

I'm starting to feel I should wait until I'm rich to date anyone. I had the same financial disparity with my ex--moreso because he was in finance. When I was preparing to move in with him, he said to me (regarding what my finances would enable me to contribute toward rent), "I could get a roommate who could pay more." I felt so helpless. I feel that way now, as well.

 

I'm spending tomorrow through Saturday with him in a different city. I expect I'll have a chance to talk with him about my revised plans, and I think I'll learn a lot about where this relationship might be headed by his reaction. I'll let you all know what happens.

 

Glad you are using your Noggin ! Keep us posted. Next time he tries and you NOTICE he is PUSHING for this FAST , tell him to slowwwwwwwww wayyyy down......

[sb129]

SB, what did it feel like to be with your fiance in the beginning? What was the difference in the progression of your relationship with your fiance, and your relationships with your two previous boyfriends?

I am afraid that I don't know HOW to recognize a Mr. Right when he comes my way.

It just felt RIGHT. And easy. There was no effort involved (in a good way), no uncertainty, no turmoil.

I think it helped that I had a healthy self esteem by then, and I knew that if things didn't work out, I would be fine being single again.

That was the key difference.

Wonderboy has no conditions on loving me- he has no issues with my past, he is loving and kind and giving, and I know I could ask him to do anything and he probably would.

 

 

 

I've decided to go ahead and sign my apartment lease for another year so that I have more time to prepare for the move. You are both right that this is just too soon to go moving in with someone at the beginning of a relationship, and one carried out long distance, to boot. .

 

Well done GC, I think thats a wise decision. How do you feel about that now? relieved?

[Mary3]

It just felt RIGHT

. And easy. There was no effort involved (in a good way), no uncertainty, no turmoil.

I think it helped that I had a healthy self esteem by then, and I knew that if things didn't work out, I would be fine being single again.

That was the key difference.

Wonderboy has no conditions on loving me- he has no issues with my past, he is loving and kind and giving, and I know I could ask him to do anything and he probably would.

 

 

 

Well done GC, I think thats a wise decision. How do you feel about that now? relieved?

 

Not to mention the fact that someone so NEW should not be asking you to move in with him. There's no * dating * involved there....You live together and would see his real side sooner..

[sunshinegirl]

I'm spending tomorrow through Saturday with him in a different city. I expect I'll have a chance to talk with him about my revised plans, and I think I'll learn a lot about where this relationship might be headed by his reaction. I'll let you all know what happens.

 

Any updates, GC?