sex with someone else in first month of dating...

[Javelin]

A pickle that definately should have been avoided. While I sympasize somewhat, I can't help, but wonder why people like having more than 1 date? If I'm interested in a lady, then I'll pursue her and only her, that being if she's only interested in me. If she's dating around, then I'll let her be and find someone that's interested in 1 date at a time.

 

This:

I was still casually dating others

 

Shows me that neither of you were serious in the beginning and were keeping your, 'options' open. Mistake on your part because you're not willing to accept that others don't follow the no-sex rule while casualally dating and now you've paid the consequence for it. This is a situation that definately could happen if you enter a relationship while keeping all the doors open on both sides and I'm surprised that you're this upset about it.

 

You have to pick 1 of 2 options and you already know what they are.

 

1) Accept it and move on with the wedding.

 

or

 

2) Deny your relationship because you can't accept the fact that your finance, before you two were, 'exclusive' had sex with another woman.

[ivy777]

Thanks all for your responses.

 

Not to beat a dead horse and I get everything that was said here. The one thing that keeps bugging me a bit is that this was right at the beginning of the relationship.

 

It makes it "understandable" in the sense that we hadn't had the exclusivity talk so it wasn't technically cheating and he was just being a drunk single guy; I get it.

 

What bugs me is this: I get when you've been with someone a long time and the sex starts to get routine, you might be drawn elsewhere (not that it's right to act on it if you've had "the talk"), but in the beginning, when you first meet, like the person, and start sleeping together, I feel like people tend to go through that infatuation phase and be really excited about their new lover. I can't figure out why he wasn't in that phase. I can see keeping options open if you're not attached, but I don't get how you could just be getting really excited about a person (mentally, physically) and even be seriously thinking about sleeping with someone else.

 

Is it just a guy thing??

[twice_shy]

Hi all, Just posted this in relationships but might be more appropriate here.

I have a problem that I'm dealing with. I found out a week ago that my fiance had a one night stand during the first month that we were dating (3 yrs ago) - this was just after he and I started having sex. He went to a party at his friend's place, got drunk, and had sex with some girl on the couch @ 4am. He originally told me that it was 2 weeks before we met (it came up awhile ago) so he lied about the timing, which most people might, but still brings up trust issues. And this of course leaves me feeling like "I wasn't enough for him," since we'd already been sleeping together.

I've agreed to work through it for now. We hadn't had the "exclusivity" talk at the time and I was still casually dating others but, I never would have had sex with anyone else at that point (my choice). That's why it's hard to stomach. I keep thinking, yes, he is a guy, but how could he have done that? Shouldn't he have been excited about me?

I am not going to punish him over this since it's 3 years ago. But I'm having this internal struggle in ingesting it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

 

If you marry him, you will regret it. I'd cancel the wedding.

 

And if you use the excuse that it was 3 years ago to stay with him, then good luck with that. History has a tendency to repeat itself, especially with cheaters.

 

If he can cheat on you in the early stages, then what do you think will happen when the R becomes routine and you are the same person he has been with for a long time?

 

You say you don't to beat him up over something 3 years ago. Ok, tell him you slept with another guy not long after he cheated.....then see how understanding he is about it. The thought of another man in his girlfriend will drive him absolutely crazy and I guarantee you, he'd beat you up over it(emotionally that is).

 

Ultimately you will have to do what you want to do, but my guess is you will marry him, and he will end up having an affair. You deserve better than that.

[Untouchable_Fire]

What bugs me is this: I get when you've been with someone a long time and the sex starts to get routine, you might be drawn elsewhere (not that it's right to act on it if you've had "the talk"), but in the beginning, when you first meet, like the person, and start sleeping together, I feel like people tend to go through that infatuation phase and be really excited about their new lover. I can't figure out why he wasn't in that phase. I can see keeping options open if you're not attached, but I don't get how you could just be getting really excited about a person (mentally, physically) and even be seriously thinking about sleeping with someone else.

 

Is it just a guy thing??

 

Maybe. Depends on the guy.

 

Where I in his shoes, it would be a trust thing. Yes everything with you could have been perfect, but not being able to trust that you would still be around in 6 months would push me in a similar direction.

 

Other guys would just want something to compare to. Like what he was experiencing with you was so good it would be hard to believe.

 

And some are just opportunists.

 

The best way for you to know... is to ask him, and remember that the surface of what he tells you while truthful to his thinking may not be the real answer. Just dig a little.

[twice_shy]

I was still casually dating others but, I never would have had sex with anyone else at that point (my choice).

Thanks!

 

Ok, I need to back up. I missed this part.

 

If you were dating other guys, then whatever he did was fair game. Saying you wouldn't have sex with any other guys while dating makes no difference at all. Either you were exclusive, or you weren't.

[BUENG1]

If you marry him, you will regret it. I'd cancel the wedding.

 

And if you use the excuse that it was 3 years ago to stay with him, then good luck with that. History has a tendency to repeat itself, especially with cheaters.

 

If he can cheat on you in the early stages, then what do you think will happen when the R becomes routine and you are the same person he has been with for a long time?

 

You say you don't to beat him up over something 3 years ago. Ok, tell him you slept with another guy not long after he cheated.....then see how understanding he is about it. The thought of another man in his girlfriend will drive him absolutely crazy and I guarantee you, he'd beat you up over it(emotionally that is).

 

Ultimately you will have to do what you want to do, but my guess is you will marry him, and he will end up having an affair. You deserve better than that.

 

How do you get he cheated on her. She said that they were both dating other people when this happened, and they weren't in an exclusive relationship.

[twice_shy]

he was a pretty big player before we met - i knew that just based on his profile (hot, makes a lot of money, lives in a big city, lots of single friends) so that was not a surprise that he had a lot "going on."

 

:confused::confused::confused:

[twice_shy]

How do you get he cheated on her. She said that they were both dating other people when this happened, and they weren't in an exclusive relationship.

 

I then reposted that I missed that part.

[BUENG1]

If you marry him, you will regret it. I'd cancel the wedding.

 

And if you use the excuse that it was 3 years ago to stay with him, then good luck with that. History has a tendency to repeat itself, especially with cheaters.

 

If he can cheat on you in the early stages, then what do you think will happen when the R becomes routine and you are the same person he has been with for a long time?

 

You say you don't to beat him up over something 3 years ago. Ok, tell him you slept with another guy not long after he cheated.....then see how understanding he is about it. The thought of another man in his girlfriend will drive him absolutely crazy and I guarantee you, he'd beat you up over it(emotionally that is).

 

Ultimately you will have to do what you want to do, but my guess is you will marry him, and he will end up having an affair. You deserve better than that.

 

Nevermind, didn't read everything.

[AAlike]

Thanks all for your responses.

 

Not to beat a dead horse and I get everything that was said here. The one thing that keeps bugging me a bit is that this was right at the beginning of the relationship.

 

It makes it "understandable" in the sense that we hadn't had the exclusivity talk so it wasn't technically cheating and he was just being a drunk single guy; I get it.

 

What bugs me is this: I get when you've been with someone a long time and the sex starts to get routine, you might be drawn elsewhere (not that it's right to act on it if you've had "the talk"), but in the beginning, when you first meet, like the person, and start sleeping together, I feel like people tend to go through that infatuation phase and be really excited about their new lover. I can't figure out why he wasn't in that phase. I can see keeping options open if you're not attached, but I don't get how you could just be getting really excited about a person (mentally, physically) and even be seriously thinking about sleeping with someone else.

 

Is it just a guy thing??

 

Ah, now this raises an interesting point, and I think it's what Javelin was touching on too.

 

I guess that you could essentially chalk it up to "a guy thing." honestly, though, there's probably a little more to it. Had he ever had a serious relationship before you, and how old are you guys? it's entirely possible that he was feeling the exact feeling of infatuation that you are talking about, and maybe he realized that these feelings were coming on and he wasn't prepared, and it rattled him a little, and he wanted to reassert this last window of "freedom" so he acted out. Most likely it sucked and probably only served to reinforce his feelings for you - and honestly, I don't know that I disagree with his not telling you. Since you weren't "exclusive" at the time he wasn't really obligated to, and there's really no point to telling you after you've become exclusive - I mean, really, has any good come of you finding this out?

 

I'm certainly not condoning his actions - but I also don't think that they are something that should get in the way of you guys having a good life together or should make you think that he loves you less. Obviously if he's willing to marry you, he's felt the feelings that you've discussed and then some!! I can totally understand why this is a big deal to you (and he probably could too, which is most likely why he chose to withhold), but speaking from an outsider's (and a male's) perspective, you shouldn't worry about this.

[blind_otter]

What bugs me is this: I get when you've been with someone a long time and the sex starts to get routine, you might be drawn elsewhere (not that it's right to act on it if you've had "the talk"), but in the beginning, when you first meet, like the person, and start sleeping together, I feel like people tend to go through that infatuation phase and be really excited about their new lover. I can't figure out why he wasn't in that phase. I can see keeping options open if you're not attached, but I don't get how you could just be getting really excited about a person (mentally, physically) and even be seriously thinking about sleeping with someone else.

 

Is it just a guy thing??

 

Not a guy thing - I did what your fiance did with my exH when we first started dating. I didn't tell him, either. It was maybe 3-4 weeks after we first met, we had been hanging out but were definitely not exclusive. Eventually, though, he did find out after we were married. I think in my case it was a reaction to the idea of being in a committed relationship. I don't think I'd ever really been in one prior to my exH - I had dated, casually, but never fully committed myself to one person.

 

He never let it go, never forgave me for it, always brought it up when we argued.

 

I say - if you really have a problem with it, do not get married.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Had he ever had a serious relationship before you, and how old are you guys? it's entirely possible that he was feeling the exact feeling of infatuation that you are talking about, and maybe he realized that these feelings were coming on and he wasn't prepared, and it rattled him a little, and he wanted to reassert this last window of "freedom" so he acted out.

 

Interesting.

 

Do you think the fact that she was still dating others play into this at all?

 

We all relate to others through the mirror of ourselves. Meaning those who lie have trouble believing others. His history as a player and someone who dates a lot made it hard to trust that her dating did not involve more physical aspects as well. In fact if it was not talked about... It would be his first assumption would it not?

[twice_shy]

Nevermind, didn't read everything.

 

Neither did I. I need to work on that. LOL.

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks all for your responses.

 

Not to beat a dead horse and I get everything that was said here. The one thing that keeps bugging me a bit is that this was right at the beginning of the relationship.

 

It makes it "understandable" in the sense that we hadn't had the exclusivity talk so it wasn't technically cheating and he was just being a drunk single guy; I get it.

 

What bugs me is this: I get when you've been with someone a long time and the sex starts to get routine, you might be drawn elsewhere (not that it's right to act on it if you've had "the talk"), but in the beginning, when you first meet, like the person, and start sleeping together, I feel like people tend to go through that infatuation phase and be really excited about their new lover. I can't figure out why he wasn't in that phase. I can see keeping options open if you're not attached, but I don't get how you could just be getting really excited about a person (mentally, physically) and even be seriously thinking about sleeping with someone else.

 

Is it just a guy thing??

People invest at different paces. Having great sex doesn't necessarily mean anyone is or is as invested. I will say that more men can compartmentalize sex, than women. I'm not convinced whether that's a byproduct of nature, nurture or a combination of both.

[AAlike]

Not a guy thing - I did what your fiance did with my exH when we first started dating. I didn't tell him, either. It was maybe 3-4 weeks after we first met, we had been hanging out but were definitely not exclusive. Eventually, though, he did find out after we were married. I think in my case it was a reaction to the idea of being in a committed relationship. I don't think I'd ever really been in one prior to my exH - I had dated, casually, but never fully committed myself to one person.

 

That's exactly what I was saying! this is a guy who's used to having some sexual freedom - he probably thought that this was his "last hurrah" or whatever. Not that this isn't stupid and selfish, but I don't think it is indicitave of him loving you any less!

 

He never let it go, never forgave me for it, always brought it up when we argued.

 

I say - if you really have a problem with it, do not get married.

 

he crushed you for it even though it probably meant absolutely nothing to you, correct? OP, don't let yourself do the same thing. otter is right, either deal with it now or it will blow even further out of proportion as it festers.

[AAlike]

Interesting.

 

Do you think the fact that she was still dating others play into this at all?

 

We all relate to others through the mirror of ourselves. Meaning those who lie have trouble believing others. His history as a player and someone who dates a lot made it hard to trust that her dating did not involve more physical aspects as well. In fact if it was not talked about... It would be his first assumption would it not?

 

well, that's also true, although I don't think that being a "player" entails that someone is a liar. but yeah, it's very possible that he just assumed that you were having your fun and/or getting out those last liasons out of your system too...which would be even more reason to get past this.

[AAlike]

People invest at different paces. Having great sex doesn't necessarily mean anyone is or is as invested. I will say that more men can compartmentalize sex, than women. I'm not convinced whether that's a byproduct of nature, nurture or a combination of both.

 

I don't know that I totally agree with this. I think that you could argue that guys can compartmentalize their OWN sexual activities better than women, but it's quite obvious from how many new threads pop up about guys freaking out about their GF's having a one night stand before they even met that they have a much tougher time than women doing so when it comes to the actions of loved ones. In fact, the most common quotes that you hear from guys in threads about the past are along the lines of "I don't care about the boyfriends, it's the meaningless stuff that bothers me" whereas women it's more like "I don't care about the one night stands, it's the other girls that he said 'I love you' to that threaten me." This would imply that women are better at distinguishing between "love sex" and a fling.

 

really, I don't know that it's so much compartmentalization as much as it's that women are a lot more realistic and smarter about sex. Males are fueled by a much more impulsive, spur of the moment sex drive and influenced by a culture of porn and sex selling us everything from shaving cream to beer, and hence think of sex in two silly extremes - either the "oh yeah, I'm doing this slut" and "how could the mother of my children do this?" I guess that is a type of comparmentalization, but I think that it's more of a drawback than an ability, per se.

[Untouchable_Fire]

well, that's also true, although I don't think that being a "player" entails that someone is a liar. but yeah, it's very possible that he just assumed that you were having your fun and/or getting out those last liasons out of your system too...which would be even more reason to get past this.

 

Sorry, to clarify I was just using Liars as an example.

 

Players assume others are players, just as liars often assume others are liars.

[AAlike]

Sorry, to clarify I was just using Liars as an example.

 

Players assume others are players, just as liars often assume others are liars.

 

gotcha. then I completely agree - he very well might have thought "I'm sure she's taking advantage of this period too".

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know that I totally agree with this. I think that you could argue that guys can compartmentalize their OWN sexual activities better than women, but it's quite obvious from how many new threads pop up about guys freaking out about their GF's having a one night stand before they even met that they have a much tougher time than women doing so when it comes to the actions of loved ones. In fact, the most common quotes that you hear from guys in threads about the past are along the lines of "I don't care about the boyfriends, it's the meaningless stuff that bothers me" whereas women it's more like "I don't care about the one night stands, it's the other girls that he said 'I love you' to that threaten me." This would imply that women are better at distinguishing between "love sex" and a fling.

 

really, I don't know that it's so much compartmentalization as much as it's that women are a lot more realistic and smarter about sex. Males are fueled by a much more impulsive, spur of the moment sex drive and influenced by a culture of porn and sex selling us everything from shaving cream to beer, and hence think of sex in two silly extremes - either the "oh yeah, I'm doing this slut" and "how could the mother of my children do this?" I guess that is a type of comparmentalization, but I think that it's more of a drawback than an ability, per se.

I do agree that a lot of men can compartmentalize their OWN sexual activity. The reason I didn't target one gender over another is that a limited amount of women can also do the same.

 

The issue was that the OP couldn't understand why the bf during a non-exclusive time, could possibly sleep with anyone else, since she was experiencing a period of infatuation. It's possible he wasn't experiencing the same, hence my reference to sex v. pace of investment. Even if he was experiencing it, if you refer to her "player" comment, he may well have perfected the technique of sexual compartmentalization, from past experiences.

[twice_shy]

I feel like people tend to go through that infatuation phase and be really excited about their new lover. I can't figure out why he wasn't in that phase. I can see keeping options open if you're not attached, but I don't get how you could just be getting really excited about a person (mentally, physically) and even be seriously thinking about sleeping with someone else.

 

I can't see being really excited about a person and still dating other people.

[Tomcat33]

Hi all, Just posted this in relationships but might be more appropriate here.

I have a problem that I'm dealing with. I found out a week ago that my fiance had a one night stand during the first month that we were dating (3 yrs ago) - this was just after he and I started having sex. He went to a party at his friend's place, got drunk, and had sex with some girl on the couch @ 4am. He originally told me that it was 2 weeks before we met (it came up awhile ago) so he lied about the timing, which most people might, but still brings up trust issues. And this of course leaves me feeling like "I wasn't enough for him," since we'd already been sleeping together.

I've agreed to work through it for now. We hadn't had the "exclusivity" talk at the time and I was still casually dating others but, I never would have had sex with anyone else at that point (my choice). That's why it's hard to stomach. I keep thinking, yes, he is a guy, but how could he have done that? Shouldn't he have been excited about me?

I am not going to punish him over this since it's 3 years ago. But I'm having this internal struggle in ingesting it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

 

 

Well just because you were sleeping together it doesn't mean you were exlcusive, therefore you can't blame the guy for sleeping with someone else. It was during the first month you knew him and he was clearly not commited to you so what is the problem? I understand it makes you think that he can't be trusted but realistically just because you sleep with a guy it doesn't mean that he is making a commitment to you it just means he is sleeping with you.

 

If women learned to take their time to really get to know a man and find out where she stands with him BEFORE she sleeps with him, there would be no misinterpretation of where a relationship stands.

 

If you are going to be carefree and act like a guy in that sex is something to he explored when you feel it regardless of what emotions lay beneath then you must also learn to adapt the idea that for a guy, having sex does not = being in a commited relationship.

[ivy777]

Thanks all again.

 

As for the above, I wasn't acting like a guy. I was acting like a "scared of getting involved" girl. Meaning, I went on 6 dates with my fiance before I slept with him (6 dates in that first month) but was still accepting other dates bc I didn't know if things with him would lead anywhere, and I didn't want to put all my eggs (relationship eggs; not "sex") in one basket.

 

It was dumb of me to sleep with him without having "the talk."

 

What's happened now that I found out is that my ego is crushed bc I can't understand how he could have been in the "like her a lot" stage, AND be sleeping with me, and not call me on the phone while he was drunk, but rather just sleep with some "kinda cute" girl who made it easy for him, at a party. In my mind, even if drunk, he should have called me and been like "meet me at my place." Unless he either (a) wasn't that into me (which is lame; and then, why is he marrying me if he wasn't even that into me in the beginning when "lust is new and exciting"?), or (b) was trying to assert his singleness more than he was "into" the girl or not into me.

 

Any way you cut it, I guess it just stinks.

[twice_shy]

I can't understand how he could have been in the "like her a lot" stage, AND be sleeping with me, and not call me on the phone while he was drunk, but rather just sleep with some "kinda cute" girl who made it easy for him, at a party.

 

Well I take it you were in the "like him alot" stage. So why did you keep dating other people?

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks all again.

 

As for the above, I wasn't acting like a guy. I was acting like a "scared of getting involved" girl. Meaning, I went on 6 dates with my fiance before I slept with him (6 dates in that first month) but was still accepting other dates bc I didn't know if things with him would lead anywhere, and I didn't want to put all my eggs (relationship eggs; not "sex") in one basket.

 

It was dumb of me to sleep with him without having "the talk."

 

What's happened now that I found out is that my ego is crushed bc I can't understand how he could have been in the "like her a lot" stage, AND be sleeping with me, and not call me on the phone while he was drunk, but rather just sleep with some "kinda cute" girl who made it easy for him, at a party. In my mind, even if drunk, he should have called me and been like "meet me at my place." Unless he either (a) wasn't that into me (which is lame; and then, why is he marrying me if he wasn't even that into me in the beginning when "lust is new and exciting"?), or (b) was trying to assert his singleness more than he was "into" the girl or not into me.

 

Any way you cut it, I guess it just stinks.

Chill ivy. Why do you feel he had to be just as invested as you, during the non-exclusive stage? If you were concerned about putting all your eggs in one basket, why wouldn't he have been concerned about the same thing, as well? He used to be a player, as you've already stated. Someone like that would have been accustomed to sleeping with many women, sometimes at the same time. I wouldn't take it personally.

 

What I would have taken personally was his lying about it but then, you don't seem to consider that a big deal so beyond that, why are you so focused on something that happened when the two of you weren't technically a couple yet?