White Flower Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Having not been here in a while, I haven't read the responses to this thread so forgive me if my opinion has already been said. I believe that a MM has an affair for reasons that have nothing to do with his wife, the OW or sex. I think it's all about the MM and how he feels about himself. There are many BWs who say that sex with their H before and during his affair was always great. I know that in my case sex was never a problem. We have always been very sexually attracted to each other. I actually think sex is very important in a marriage. As far as focusing on the OW. Are you taking about here at LS or IRL? Because you can't take what you read here and know what is going on at home. I would guess that most BW do place most of the blame where it belongs, on the MM. But the MM isn't here and many conversations on LS occur between a BW and a OW. Because of the seriously conflicting viewpoint, it might appear that a BW is blaming a OW, but I think it's just the difference of opinion. You can't really expect a BW to agree with the OW's actions during an affair and in some cases vice versa. To answer the question about sexual jealousy. I find that it's the OW in many cases that say the affair isn't about sex. So, are you saying that it is? If so, I disagree. Again, I think affairs are all about the cheater and what they get. I believe that in many cases it's about what the MM is missing in himself and no amount of sex is going to solve that problem. This was a very good post. I bolded the part about the MM who is never here at LS to give an honest viewpoint. Too bad, because I am sure there are as many viewpoints as there are MMs. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could get the real life trio on a thread to discuss everything involved in their A? That would be some conversation! Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 That is soooo funny, me a stalker type - considering that I knew where he lived (5 minutes away if that) plus I had the Ws cell phone number (he gave it to me "in case" anything ever happened to him). Yet this woman insisted he be accompanied by a police officer the morning he told me he was taking his stuff and leaving. Can we say projection anyone? I'm sure it was more to be sure we didn't talk, could have been worried I'd talk him out of it ? That really hurt, that I couldn't even TALK to him about it. Just stand and watch as he packed up and left. I'm also pretty sure the police officer was a friend of hers (just a hunch) That really is too bad. After all, it was over so why not let you say goodbye? That was cruel, actually. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 That really is too bad. After all, it was over so why not let you say goodbye? That was cruel, actually. yes it was, unreasonably so to my mind - but then it goes to show who she is (and no I'm not forgetting he LET her). I think the main reason she wanted us to have NC was because without me to talk to about things he has nobody really to talk to about "stuff" (the W and kids are pretty much his whole "family") Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 This was a very good post. I bolded the part about the MM who is never here at LS to give an honest viewpoint. Too bad, because I am sure there are as many viewpoints as there are MMs. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could get the real life trio on a thread to discuss everything involved in their A? That would be some conversation! I doubt that would ever happen, but I have seen MM come on and talk about their feelings RE: the OW. It's truly amazing how many OW descend upon the guy, calling him a troll, etc. just because they don't like the candor coming through in his posts. Makes a guy afraid to speak his mind on this forum as regards their affair(s). Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I doubt that would ever happen, but I have seen MM come on and talk about their feelings RE: the OW. It's truly amazing how many OW descend upon the guy, calling him a troll, etc. just because they don't like the candor coming through in his posts. Makes a guy afraid to speak his mind on this forum as regards their affair(s). Then again from what I've seen, SOME of the so called "candour" is simply the MMs re-writing of the A and his and the OWs role in it Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Then again from what I've seen, SOME of the so called "candour" is simply the MMs re-writing of the A and his and the OWs role in it How could you possibly know that unless it was YOUR MM posting? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Then again from what I've seen, SOME of the so called "candour" is simply the MMs re-writing of the A and his and the OWs role in it Re-written or not...its what the MM who come here say about their affair. Its their opinion/viewpoint on the subject. Re-written in what fashion or manner, and why? What invalidates it as a source of understanding their viewpoint of things? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I'm a bit confuse about this post because from what I have read here, many OW don't believe that affairs are about sex. I happen to agree with that, so why would anyone think that the BW has sexual jealousy? I have also read that many people think an EA is harder to forgive than a PA. If that is true where does sexual jealousy play a part? Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Re-written or not...its what the MM who come here say about their affair. Its their opinion/viewpoint on the subject. Re-written in what fashion or manner, and why? What invalidates it as a source of understanding their viewpoint of things? I think that MM who post totally anonymously will post honestly, like Scrivdog. He's relentless and I'm sure a bas****, but he gives the serial cheater's perspective. Then you have some who would appear that their W's know they're posting which takes away a bit of the honesty. I can't give an example there, but I vaguely remember one. I think the cake-eater simply avoids all of us because he KNOWS we would all find fault with him. I try to encourage them to stay, but they don't usually. Portent did piss me off! Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I think that people who have been part of an affair triangle have varying degrees of opinions about affairs (and OW) based on their own experience and how much time and healing they have or haven't done. I would think that a BW who has just found out about an OW would be more defensive (or offensive) than someone who has been here a while and dealt with their own situation. Unless a BW has said that they have jealousy or sex issues I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Re-written or not...its what the MM who come here say about their affair. Its their opinion/viewpoint on the subject. Re-written in what fashion or manner, and why? What invalidates it as a source of understanding their viewpoint of things? I didn't say it was invalidated - just that some of the OW who "jump" the MM as poster may feel it does ? I was thinkign of the ones that post that there was no real feeling there for the OW etc etc Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 How could you possibly know that unless it was YOUR MM posting? because to me it seems like 're writing' - the scenario etc is just too 'pat' but of course that's just mo (which I'm entitiled to) Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I'm a bit confuse about this post because from what I have read here, many OW don't believe that affairs are about sex. I happen to agree with that, so why would anyone think that the BW has sexual jealousy? I have also read that many people think an EA is harder to forgive than a PA. If that is true where does sexual jealousy play a part? because maybe it's easier for a BW to believe it's "just about sex" than that her H actually fell in love with someone else ? Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Re-written or not...its what the MM who come here say about their affair. Its their opinion/viewpoint on the subject. Re-written in what fashion or manner, and why? What invalidates it as a source of understanding their viewpoint of things? It's the 'marriage fog'- counterpart to the 'affair fog'. Many in recovering relationships trumpet the latter without understanding the former happens as meaningful affairs devolve as well. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I'm a bit confuse about this post because from what I have read here, many OW don't believe that affairs are about sex. I happen to agree with that, so why would anyone think that the BW has sexual jealousy? I have also read that many people think an EA is harder to forgive than a PA. If that is true where does sexual jealousy play a part? You've got a great point. I know that a MM is going to tell both women what they want to hear. If he told her what he's been telling me, she would probably have sexual jealousy AND jealousy over the EA part. He claims that I was the better lover, so if she knew that I'm sure that would cause jealousy. He also has stated that he would be fine if I were to ever cut the sex off just holding me and caressing me because he loved me so much. This would be even more difficult to deal with than some. I think we like to attach the idea of an OW (who is good in bed) as being a S**T and that might make it easier to get over. 'Well, she's just a s***, so what do I have to be jealous about?' But knowing the H fell in love takes away any notion that she is a S***, therefore harder to overcome. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I am coming to the conclusion that A's are about the MM's ego, and getting it fed. In his M he feels like part of the furniture. Then here is this outside woman making him feel like a million bucks. It IS about sex, but only in terms of feeding his ego. A man has to feel like a MAN, and what better way to do that than to have 2 (or more) women in his life who are attending to his needs? This is why I think secretly most men (99.9%, to quote Lizzie:D:D) really do envy Hef. Am I mixing up my threads here??? Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 I am coming to the conclusion that A's are about the MM's ego, and getting it fed. In his M he feels like part of the furniture. Then here is this outside woman making him feel like a million bucks. It IS about sex, but only in terms of feeding his ego. A man has to feel like a MAN, and what better way to do that than to have 2 (or more) women in his life who are attending to his needs? This is why I think secretly most men (99.9%, to quote Lizzie:D:D) really do envy Hef. Am I mixing up my threads here??? For anyone curious about this the thread is called, 'Is Dr. Phil really getting a divorce?'. (I think that's what I called it.) Anyway, it wasn't confirmed nor denied, but we all got off on a tangent and now we're making fun of Hugh Heffner. You may be right about MM looking for sex even if it's to feed his ego. I know mine would have given up sex and enjoyed my company anyway and yes, I certainly fed his ego. It wasn't hard to do. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 Re-written or not...its what the MM who come here say about their affair. Its their opinion/viewpoint on the subject. Re-written in what fashion or manner, and why? What invalidates it as a source of understanding their viewpoint of things? Who knows why? If a MM can rewrite their marital history, they can CERTAINLY rewrite their A history as well. What has surprised me is the MM's who really miss their OW's. But they only seem to miss them when the OW walks away. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 I'm a bit confuse about this post because from what I have read here, many OW don't believe that affairs are about sex. I happen to agree with that, so why would anyone think that the BW has sexual jealousy? I have also read that many people think an EA is harder to forgive than a PA. If that is true where does sexual jealousy play a part? The sexual jealousy comes in when the BW realizes her H is directing his romantic energy to another female besides herself. And for a man, romantic = sex... or the anticipation (or at least possibility) of it. You may be right about MM looking for sex even if it's to feed his ego. I know mine would have given up sex and enjoyed my company anyway and yes, I certainly fed his ego. It wasn't hard to do. I have no doubt that he would have enjoyed your company without the sex, WF. But I am equally certain that he would not have kept pursuing or maintaining the A if he wasn't eventually expecting sex as a reward. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 For anyone curious about this the thread is called, 'Is Dr. Phil really getting a divorce?'. (I think that's what I called it.) Anyway, it wasn't confirmed nor denied, but we all got off on a tangent and now we're making fun of Hugh Heffner. You may be right about MM looking for sex even if it's to feed his ego. I know mine would have given up sex and enjoyed my company anyway and yes, I certainly fed his ego. It wasn't hard to do. I'm sure it's easy to feed the ego of a man you don't have to live with all the time; suffering his disgusting habits and his selfishness. I've seen several former OW now full time partner very disillusioned about what they thought it would be like v. reality, talking about getting out of the new R with the former MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 I'm sure it's easy to feed the ego of a man you don't have to live with all the time; suffering his disgusting habits and his selfishness. I've seen several former OW now full time partner very disillusioned about what they thought it would be like v. reality, talking about getting out of the new R with the former MM. If the MM was so disgusting perhaps the OW did the BS a favour then.......... just sayin' Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 If the MM was so disgusting perhaps the OW did the BS a favour then.......... just sayin' Could be. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 It's the 'marriage fog'- counterpart to the 'affair fog'. Many in recovering relationships trumpet the latter without understanding the former happens as meaningful affairs devolve as well. Indeed. It was only through exposure to a "normal" R (the A with me), that the feedback my MM had been getting (through counselling, as well as from friends, family and colleagues) about how toxic and abusive his M was, actually got through. Before, he'd just assumed that all Ms were based ultimately on one partner abusing the other, to a greater or lesser (or, more or less visible) extent, and it was only through being exposed to a R which was based on mutual respect that he came to see that that wasn't the case. Link to post Share on other sites
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