Why all the focus on the OW - is it sexual jealousy?

[neverendingsaga]

If you read my other post you see they WILL be going to MC to TALK about this. ( my suggestion) There is a child, and she does use the guilt factor when he makes an attempt. She does not work outside the home, But as long as he come home at night, payes the bills, she fine.

 

geez another post undervaluing stay at home moms. i dont get this mindset. i dont have kids but i think women who are stay at home moms for there families are just as equal as men and women who work for there families. at least my mom was & i keep feeling compelled to defend her B/C it would just irk me to no end if someone was sleeping w/ my dad & saying 'well she doesnt work outside the home, she only cares about his money so its fine.' i would tell my dad & his OW to go be together & make money together since neither of them values what my mom does.

[whichwayisup]

Me too. Being at home and taking care of the kids, isn't an easy job - It is satisfying but also you lose part of you in the process. The part where you're not mommy or a wife. Kids need to have one parent home with them, be there after school. Being shoved in after school daycare till 5:30-6pm 5 days a week must really suck for a family.

[Lookingforward]

Some OW are guilty of doing the same the to a BS, exactly what Owl decribed what some BS does to an OW. Everyone needs to remember that there are REAL human beings behind the screen, with feelings. Some people around here seem to forget that and focus on making someone purposely feel like crap.

 

while the OW or BS doing this is perhaps not condoned, but at least understandable, what is a mystery to ME is why we find those posters who are neither an OW nor a BS (in fact the ones I'm thinking of virulently assert they would never be EITHER) coming onto these boards specifically to bash OWs seeking advice and support.

[neverendingsaga]

i dont really care who is here, i am just here to find help & if i can find it from a BS, an OW, or neither... well i'll take what i can get LOL. and it would be nice to find it from one who is neither b/c they have obviously figured out something i havent.

 

i think everyone should express there opinions, it doesnt bother me one bit b/c here i am expressing mine AND asking for help, i am not picky about who gives it to me & even if i dont agree w/ there opinions im not going to get mad at them for giving them to me, i mean what is the point of that.

[Lookingforward]

Bashing from BSs I can understand, at least cognitively - even if I don't endorse it; but why some kids just out of nappies feel the need to climb on the bashing bandwagon is beyond me. Are they desperate for acceptance? Are they that insecure that the only way they can feel better about themselves is by taking pot shots at others? It just shows up their total lack of life experience and their complete absence of an imagination, moral or otherwise, and merely adds to the white noise surrounding the useful contributions from thinking participants.

 

Thing is, Owl, a reasoned and sober response like yours invites engagement and helps generate understanding, instead of shutting down communication and polarising people so that thread dissolve, one after the next, into pointless slanging matches. But I guess not everyone is mature enough to realise that?

 

Just saw your post OW...seems we are thinking of the same ones

[Owl]

Thing is, Owl, a reasoned and sober response like yours invites engagement and helps generate understanding, instead of shutting down communication and polarising people so that thread dissolve, one after the next, into pointless slanging matches.

 

 

Ahhhhhh, shaddup! :D

[John Who]

Well having a EA had nothing to do with sex,I was lacking attention.

 

My W was never ever jealous of the OW,I did not get involved with the OW because she was more attractive then my W,because honestly she doesnt even come close to looking better then my W.

 

I think every situation is different why men or women have A's differ's from relationship,I don't think in most cases it has anything to do with the W letting themself go,some OW think because the MM is having a affair with them,then they must be more attractive then the W,or nicer etc.etc.etc.

 

Hate to say this but sometimes you just have to be willing to do it easy,and thats all it takes.

 

Another thing I think OW bash on the W's just as much if not more,but thats just my opinion

[Lookingforward]

Well having a EA had nothing to do with sex,I was lacking attention.

 

My W was never ever jealous of the OW,I did not get involved with the OW because she was more attractive then my W,because honestly she doesnt even come close to looking better then my W.

 

I think every situation is different why men or women have A's differ's from relationship,I don't think in most cases it has anything to do with the W letting themself go,some OW think because the MM is having a affair with them,then they must be more attractive then the W,or nicer etc.etc.etc.

 

Hate to say this but sometimes you just have to be willing to do it easy,and thats all it takes.

 

Another thing I think OW bash on the W's just as much if not more,but thats just my opinion

 

jealousy isn't always about 'looks', why is this the first thing people jump on ?

[twice_shy]

I do not understand why so many BS's put such a laser focus on the OW, especially a happy OW. It seems to me to be such a big waste of energy on the BS's part, that could be so much more productively applied elsewhere to improve their own life situations.

 

It is a devastating and traumatic experience to be betrayed by someone you love. Why would you dwell on the environmental factors around it (the OW), instead of focusing on (not to mention assigning the blame to) where it belongs - on the CH?

 

Or focusing on yourself, making improvements where needed so that this is less likely to happen again? Or better yet, moving on to a better life? Why stay stuck in all that drama and pain?

 

I'm beginning to think the reason is sexual jealousy. I have seen so many wives who have let themselves go - gained weight, not stayed in shape, cut their hair to military-man-style short - and put absolutely no effort into making their physical appearance sexually desirable to any man, let alone their H. And then they wonder why their H's stray??

 

I know I'm going to hear "sex isn't the most important thing in a M," "it's a shallow way to look at it strictly from the sexual standpoint," blah blah blah. But let's face it, ladies. It is an undeniable fact that men are extremely sexual beings, and that (as far as their interaction with women goes) sex is a (if not THE) top priority and motivating factor for them. So if you claim that you love your H and want to make him happy, why would you deny him this ultimate fulfillment (in his own mind, anyway)?

 

Am I wrong?? Help me understand!!

 

I take it you are, or have been an OW. If so, I can understand your attempt at justification here.

[OpenBook]

jealousy isn't always about 'looks', why is this the first thing people jump on ?

 

I think JohnWho was responding to my first post, talking about W's letting themselves go. Plenty of posters have chimed in to tell me how WRONG I am about that!!

 

And also how they're NOT (nor were they ever) sexually jealous of their spouse's OP.

 

So the mystery remains.

 

But I think between this thread and a couple other "hot" threads lately, I am about to conclude that men are very susceptible to ego strokes... a lot more than I thought... especially the ones who've been M for awhile.

 

And I think the BS's around here are VERY WELL AWARE of it.

[OpenBook]

I take it you are, or have been an OW. If so, I can understand your attempt at justification here.

 

No. It's my attempt at greater understanding. I am a former OW (WAY former... it happened almost 20 years ago). I am currently tempted by another MM whom I worship. But I have not crossed over that line... or any other that is remotely inappropriate.

 

I'm taking it one day at a time. And drinking in all the information I can.

[twice_shy]

Being angry at the OW/OM in your own special situation is okay' date=' or let's say understandable. Being angry at any OW/OM who has nothing to do with your situation is not okay. [/quote']

 

 

Well I don't know about that. In a small town, or any town for that matter, the last thing I want is to be associated with someone that beds down someone elses spouse. Same goes with a cheater. I remember long ago one of my friends was a womanizer. I hated being with him because I didn't condone it and was basically seen as guilty by association.

[John Who]

Well I think we all love attention,ego stroking men and women,some of us let it get to our heads and become curious and take it further,and other's can just pass it bye and go home to their W or H and have great sex.

[Lookingforward]

Well I think we all love attention,ego stroking men and women,some of us let it get to our heads and become curious and take it further,and other's can just pass it bye and go home to their W or H and have great sex.

 

 

It's a little hard to have "great sex" in a place where you are getting no attention, I'd think

[serial muse]

Frankly we don't know WHAT to expect from the W, she is an unknown quantity, all we've got to go on is what MM tells us. Often we are told that the M is dead anyway, the W doesn't care anymore, and it's just a matter of time before the D. We're not even dealing with the W - we don't know her, we don't see her, we don't talk to her. We're not "fighting" for the man, because he's led us to believe that he's already given his heart to us. The way it's presented, the M is a matter of logistics more than anything else.

 

Of course, some of us can see through that now. (Witness the Marriage and Infidelity forums right here on this site, where MM's describe "playing mind games" deliberately with their OW's.) Hindsight is 20-20, but it sure doesn't help when you're in the midst of it.

 

My point is, all this has absolutely NOTHING to do with the W, in our minds. It is certainly different from HER perspective, and from the wonderful magical mystery MM in the middle. But we OW's aren't privy to all that. We're not the ones who married the guy!!

 

In many cases, this is likely very true - at least initially. But I think it's fairly common for an OW, as she begins to doubt and start to discover the lies and the half-truths that the MM has told her about the true state of his marriage (turns out it's not quite dead, turns out they're still having sex, he's still living at home, etc.), to start to assume the worst about the BS: that it is she who won't let go, she's the roadblock, she's the crazy person. In spite of the fact that the culprit in the situation is pretty darn clear. But she wants to believe the MM.

 

Sounds familiar.

 

So, in effect, it can be much same thing - feeling anger toward the person who the MM lied about, not the MM for lying in the first place. I've seen it lots of times on these very boards!

 

This is how a person behaves who has been lied to. It's part of dealing with the jarring confusion and the grief - the disbelief, denial, bargaining. Only with time is there acceptance of the truth of the situation, and the blame is properly placed where it belongs. OW are no more exempt from this than BS are, and I do think there've been plenty of threads expressing anger toward a MM's BS that demonstrate this.

[Mino]

WWIU, is right. You only hear one side. I would always wonder what would happen if the op and the bs actually sat down and discussed all the things that the ws and "his friends and family" have said, see if the stories match up.

I have actually had the pleasure of talking with the bs... and everything he has said , was confirmed as true. Of coarse I doubted him for 3 years, was not sure, but today I know. its not just hearsay.....

[Mino]

Bashing from BSs I can understand, at least cognitively - even if I don't endorse it; but why some kids just out of nappies feel the need to climb on the bashing bandwagon is beyond me. Are they desperate for acceptance? Are they that insecure that the only way they can feel better about themselves is by taking pot shots at others? It just shows up their total lack of life experience and their complete absence of an imagination, moral or otherwise, and merely adds to the white noise surrounding the useful contributions from thinking participants.

 

Thing is, Owl, a reasoned and sober response like yours invites engagement and helps generate understanding, instead of shutting down communication and polarising people so that thread dissolve, one after the next, into pointless slanging matches. But I guess not everyone is mature enough to realise that?

Very well said Owoman!!

[Mino]

Unless you're a fly on the wall when MM and wife are at home, or you've had heart to heart talks with the wife, you do not know that she is ignoring things or what is going on inside her head or heart. You're making assumptions on what MM sais.

absolutly not, BECAUSE I have talked to her. So I do know....

[Mino]

geez another post undervaluing stay at home moms. i dont get this mindset. i dont have kids but i think women who are stay at home moms for there families are just as equal as men and women who work for there families. at least my mom was & i keep feeling compelled to defend her B/C it would just irk me to no end if someone was sleeping w/ my dad & saying 'well she doesnt work outside the home, she only cares about his money so its fine.' i would tell my dad & his OW to go be together & make money together since neither of them values what my mom does.

I am sorry to offend you... I did not put down being a stay at home mom. My mother was one herself. I was a single working MOM. I think I had it a bit harder.... But thats ok, it was a choice, I made.

[OpenBook]

This is how a person behaves who has been lied to. It's part of dealing with the jarring confusion and the grief - the disbelief, denial, bargaining. Only with time is there acceptance of the truth of the situation, and the blame is properly placed where it belongs. OW are no more exempt from this than BS are, and I do think there've been plenty of threads expressing anger toward a MM's BS that demonstrate this.

 

Really?? I wish someone would point them out to me, because I sure haven't seen them!

[John Who]

Well like I have stated I have always had great sex with my wife,it was the communication I was lacking,attention.

 

Even during the EA we still continued to have great sex so sex was never the issue.

 

I just wish I went about things differently.

[OpenBook]

Well like I have stated I have always had great sex with my wife,it was the communication I was lacking,attention.

 

Even during the EA we still continued to have great sex so sex was never the issue.

 

I just wish I went about things differently.

 

John, when you say "communication" and "attention" what do you mean exactly? What did you want her to do that she wasn't doing? I thought all you guys were happy as long as you were sexually satisfied. Maybe I'm wrong about that too.

[John Who]

Well at first we always told each other we loved each other kissed all the time,hugged.

 

We use to talk to each other about everything said flirty comments,she would give me compliments and vise versa.

 

So if I brought this to her attention along time ago we could have worked on things,but the communication was not there so I felt I could not bring it up,and I continued to let it go deeper and deeper,which is how my attention and being talkative and flirty comments went towards another women.

 

At the same time I did not talk to her and show her affection also like I once did,but I always wanted too,it's strange but when she slept I would hug her and kiss her and touch her face and hair and stare at her,and I could'nt do it when she was awake because I felt I would get rejected.

 

Sometimes M people lose communication and that spark,and sometimes that is all they need to get back to realise they still love each other and the M can be saved.

[Lookingforward]

Well at first we always told each other we loved each other kissed all the time,hugged.

 

We use to talk to each other about everything said flirty comments,she would give me compliments and vise versa.

 

So if I brought this to her attention along time ago we could have worked on things,but the communication was not there so I felt I could not bring it up,and I continued to let it go deeper and deeper,which is how my attention and being talkative and flirty comments went towards another women.

 

At the same time I did not talk to her and show her affection also like I once did,but I always wanted too,it's strange but when she slept I would hug her and kiss her and touch her face and hair and stare at her,and I could'nt do it when she was awake because I felt I would get rejected.

 

Sometimes M people lose communication and that spark,and sometimes that is all they need to get back to realise they still love each other and the M can be saved.

 

John, I'm sorry you learned that lesson too late. However, this post does make your situation clearer in regard to your EA, now you've given up just berating OWs.

 

Perhaps there is still hope she will come to understand your POV, given time enough to heal.

[OWoman]

Well I don't know about that. In a small town, or any town for that matter, the last thing I want is to be associated with someone that beds down someone elses spouse. Same goes with a cheater. I remember long ago one of my friends was a womanizer. I hated being with him because I didn't condone it and was basically seen as guilty by association.

 

Well, perhaps in small towns the only two choices are embracing or condemnation, but here in the city there are a whole range of possibilities between those poles. Including.... ignoring?