Why all the focus on the OW - is it sexual jealousy?

[porter218]

to lizzie..I shortened my story..after he cheated I actually kicked him out and took his car back for nine months. I only told him there would be no recourse as a trick to see where his heart was. during the 9 months that I had left him he stopped seeing the OW and didn't see anyone else. went to counseling and changed 100%. As for a trophy wife..that I am not. and when he was out of my house I heard about the stuff he was saying to everyone about me..he told all his friends that he only did it because he didn't think I would ever find out and he never found a woman that made him as happy as I did. He was misserable without me.

[porter218]

It just comes down to men cheat for no reason at all alot of the times. Yes some MM cheat because they are not happy and the OW provides a sanctuary for them. but don't be fooled that is not always the case.

[porter218]

And to clear things up. my focus never was on that OW. I love her for freeing me from his lies. Once in the past I had an issue with a OW who lied to me over and over again to the point that to this day I am not even sure if that affair ever happened or not.

[White Flower]

And to clear things up. my focus never was on that OW. I love her for freeing me from his lies. Once in the past I had an issue with a OW who lied to me over and over again to the point that to this day I am not even sure if that affair ever happened or not.

So you kept asking her flat out if it was going on and she kept lying?

[bentnotbroken]

I am noticing that alot of the OW are beleiving these complaints their MM are feeding them about their Ws all too often. From what I have witnessed in my life and people I am friends with, A good amount of these men are very happy with their wives they just know they have to seem unhappy to make the OW feel like it is OK.

Lets take my marriage for example. I am very attractive, still go out on dates with my H once a week, still have wild sex 2 times a day, don't nag, and am very much in love with him. Yet he still cheated. And to make things more rediculous I found out from the main other woman that he told her we haven't had sex in months, and that I have gotten fat since our son was born..lol..I am a swim suit model 5'7" 115 lbs. He claimed he did't want to be with me anymore but he couldn't leave because I couldn't provide for our kids on my own..I make $75,000/yr he makes only $40,000. And a slew of other outlandish lies and when I found out I gave him the option to leave with no repricusions and he just begged for me to stay with a tearfull plea. It is all just game these men play. When they cheat neither the W or the OW should beleive a word these MM say about the other. but as to the topic of this thread sometimes BSs over focus on the OW simply because some OW go through great lengths to cover for the MM and it makes it hard to weave through truth and lies.

 

 

 

I couldn't do what you have. You must be a better woman than me. He had to go.

[whichwayisup]

I am noticing that alot of the OW are beleiving these complaints their MM are feeding them about their Ws all too often. From what I have witnessed in my life and people I am friends with, A good amount of these men are very happy with their wives they just know they have to seem unhappy to make the OW feel like it is OK.

Lets take my marriage for example. I am very attractive, still go out on dates with my H once a week, still have wild sex 2 times a day, don't nag, and am very much in love with him. Yet he still cheated. And to make things more rediculous I found out from the main other woman that he told her we haven't had sex in months, and that I have gotten fat since our son was born..lol..I am a swim suit model 5'7" 115 lbs. He claimed he did't want to be with me anymore but he couldn't leave because I couldn't provide for our kids on my own..I make $75,000/yr he makes only $40,000. And a slew of other outlandish lies and when I found out I gave him the option to leave with no repricusions and he just begged for me to stay with a tearfull plea. It is all just game these men play. When they cheat neither the W or the OW should beleive a word these MM say about the other. but as to the topic of this thread sometimes BSs over focus on the OW simply because some OW go through great lengths to cover for the MM and it makes it hard to weave through truth and lies.

 

Your husband is/was a broken man inside, is selfish and obviously has a huge ego which needs to be fed.

 

Then if they have a trophy wife.. and they're having all the sex they want.. etc.. why would they cheat?

 

Because he can and his ego takes over.

[porter218]

So you kept asking her flat out if it was going on and she kept lying?

 

that one actually called me and told me she had been with him one night trying to recindle her past with him, but a month later she called me to tell me that it was a lie and she would have said anything to break us up because she wanted to be with him. But another year later we were on our way to Jamaica to get married and she called me to convince me to cancel the wedding because she loved him and that night a year before she actually was with him and she claimed to have been conversating with him since and I didn't know what to believe because she did lie about so much other stuff to me in the past. then I called her a few months after my wedding to sort everything out and again she back tracked every word she ever told me so OW like that can make any W confused. Like I said I still don't know what to think of her.

[angie2443]

I have a friend who had an A and she was much like this. She felt that her size 6 body, implants, and other such improvements validated the idea that she was better for her MM and that must have been obviously why he sought her affections. She told me his W was short, fat, unkept, and very b****y, etc. She could not understand in her wildest dreams why this man would choose his W over her. She rationalized it with him not wanting to lose the kids, the retirement plan, the house, etc. But sometimes we forget that that for a lot of MM it is not the way a woman looks that makes him wander, but how a woman makes him feel..

 

This is kind of off topic, but I just think it is so sad how women are judged and judge other women based on their bodies. Women are so often harsh on themselves and other women.

[White Flower]

that one actually called me and told me she had been with him one night trying to recindle her past with him, but a month later she called me to tell me that it was a lie and she would have said anything to break us up because she wanted to be with him. But another year later we were on our way to Jamaica to get married and she called me to convince me to cancel the wedding because she loved him and that night a year before she actually was with him and she claimed to have been conversating with him since and I didn't know what to believe because she did lie about so much other stuff to me in the past. then I called her a few months after my wedding to sort everything out and again she back tracked every word she ever told me so OW like that can make any W confused. Like I said I still don't know what to think of her.

Between your H and this particular OW, you were never going to find the truth unless you hired a P.I. I'm sorry you went through all that. If my exMM would have gotten a hold of me, I think I would have told her everything. I'm just open that way.

[White Flower]

This is kind of off topic, but I just think it is so sad how women are judged and judge other women based on their bodies. Women are so often harsh on themselves and other women.

Yes! Women are often hard enough on theirselves and then have to deal with other women's comments.

 

This is ancient history, but when this very friend happened to see exMM's W, she said, 'Wow, she looks like she takes care of herself. She shouldn't be cheated on!'

 

Hmmm. So chubby girls DO deserve it? Think people, think!

[bentnotbroken]

Yes! Women are often hard enough on theirselves and then have to deal with other women's comments.

 

This is ancient history, but when this very friend happened to see exMM's W, she said, 'Wow, she looks like she takes care of herself. She shouldn't be cheated on!'

 

Hmmm. So chubby girls DO deserve it? Think people, think!

 

 

 

Beautiful. That's why talking about size always makes me nuts.

[OpenBook]

This is kind of off topic, but I just think it is so sad how women are judged and judge other women based on their bodies. Women are so often harsh on themselves and other women.

 

Yes! Women are often hard enough on theirselves and then have to deal with other women's comments.

 

This is ancient history, but when this very friend happened to see exMM's W, she said, 'Wow, she looks like she takes care of herself. She shouldn't be cheated on!'

 

Hmmm. So chubby girls DO deserve it? Think people, think!

 

Beautiful. That's why talking about size always makes me nuts.

 

Okay, okay - UNCLE!!! I understand and agree. It's totally unfair. But it's the truth when it comes to men. It's not how I feel about it, it's how MEN say they feel about it! MM's often point to it as the reason why they cheat ("She's let herself go, I'm translating that into she doesn't care enough about pleasing me anymore, I was tempted and drawn into an A with a woman who DOES care", ad infinitum, ad nauseum). Of course, this is probably a distracting technique away from them, always putting the blame on somebody else.

 

I have lived this lesson. During periods in my life where I've let myself go, men (the SAME men!!) treat me totally different from when I do take care of myself - drop the weight, let the hair grow long, wear more flattering clothes. Other women treat me different too - they show me more respect, they listen to what I have to say rather than dismissing or overriding my comments. It is a lot easier to go thru life in general when people treat me better. I can get more accomplished, more doors open for me, people are more cooperative.

 

There is a DIRECT LINK between how I appear to people and how they treat me. They're more willing to give me a chance if I look good.

[frannie]

Now this is exactly why I feel that MM fell so deeply for me. I allowed him to ask me anything and I would answer honestly and it blew him away. This is usually when the I love you's came out or the next time we met he would bring up that awesome conversation and then tell me he loved me in person.

 

Online and without eye contact one feels braver to let it all out. But since we would meet in person later we would keep that openness alive and connect even more deeply.

 

I often wonder if we ever did end up together if we should just keep an online conversation once a week from different bedrooms. Crazy as it sounds, it was some of the most fun we've ever had. It was risky, yet opened us up immensely. Maybe some of the MPs here could try it and get crazy with it. Why should they feel left out of something so awesome just because their M didn't start out that way? Interesting idea.

 

This made me laugh, White Flower. XMM and I used to have some of the best conversations not while we were together, but while he would be driving somewhere and would call me and we'd have a good long chat and air some of the things we didn't get round to talking about while we were together.

 

He often joked that when we were finally together for good, if ever we had any difficulties to overcome he'd have to get in the car, call me up, and drive around 'til we had it all sorted out :lmao:

[OWoman]

Okay, okay - UNCLE!!! I understand and agree. It's totally unfair. But it's the truth when it comes to men. It's not how I feel about it, it's how MEN say they feel about it! MM's often point to it as the reason why they cheat ("She's let herself go, I'm translating that into she doesn't care enough about pleasing me anymore, I was tempted and drawn into an A with a woman who DOES care", ad infinitum, ad nauseum). Of course, this is probably a distracting technique away from them, always putting the blame on somebody else.

 

I have lived this lesson. During periods in my life where I've let myself go, men (the SAME men!!) treat me totally different from when I do take care of myself - drop the weight, let the hair grow long, wear more flattering clothes. Other women treat me different too - they show me more respect, they listen to what I have to say rather than dismissing or overriding my comments. It is a lot easier to go thru life in general when people treat me better. I can get more accomplished, more doors open for me, people are more cooperative.

 

There is a DIRECT LINK between how I appear to people and how they treat me. They're more willing to give me a chance if I look good.

 

"Letting yourself go" has a lot more to do with what size you are. Some of the best kept women are larger than the media ideal; some stick thin women are dishevelled and ratty looking. Letting oneself go is an attitude, that shows physically in not taking care of yourself (might be weight, might be dress, might be sprouting forests under your arms and on your legs... and between them) and in other ways (not keeping up to date with stuff that interests you, not engaging with interesting and exciting people, etc.). It's not only disrespectful towards oneself, it is disrespectful towards one's partner in that it says, you are not worth making an effort for. It is the ultimate display of entitlement.

 

That's not so say that all dishevelled and unkempt women (since it's usually women) have "let themselves go" - if you were Jane Gooddall working in the rain forests, a certain earthiness would be appropriate; if you were Andrea Dworking, reforesting your limbs in protest against the oppression of depilation, you're engaging rather than disengaging. But if you're just eating yourself into a coma to escape taking control of your life, well, expect your partner (as well as friends, family or anyone who cares about you) to raise concern.

 

And, if you keep on, to lose interest.

[Lookingforward]

Both of you have valid points. I remember when chat room were first popular and you kept hearing about all these marriages between people who'd moved cross country to be together just to divorce six months later. Online chemistry is not the same as physical chemistry.

 

The physical chemistry already between MM and me grew online because I believe we took risks we may not have taken face to face. If it went too far for either of us, the uncomfortable one could have pulled the plug at any time.

 

For us the chemistry remained when it went from online to offline - unfortunately once I became a 'real live physical person' his W upped the ante and the guilt tripping about the kids yada yada......... end of R

[White Flower]

For us the chemistry remained when it went from online to offline - unfortunately once I became a 'real live physical person' his W upped the ante and the guilt tripping about the kids yada yada......... end of R

How did she find out?

[White Flower]

. Other women treat me different too - they show me more respect, they listen to what I have to say rather than dismissing or overriding my comments. It is a lot easier to go thru life in general when people treat me better. I can get more accomplished, more doors open for me, people are more cooperative.

 

There is a DIRECT LINK between how I appear to people and how they treat me. They're more willing to give me a chance if I look good.

I notice that when I am thinner and prettier all people who are thinner relate to me better. Especially women! They START conversations with ME, let me in line first, etc.

 

I think more voluptuous women relate to me more when I am more voluptuous. Thank God for variety. There is someone out there for everyone;)

[OWoman]

I notice that when I am thinner and prettier all people who are thinner relate to me better. Especially women! They START conversations with ME, let me in line first, etc.

 

I think more voluptuous women relate to me more when I am more voluptuous. Thank God for variety. There is someone out there for everyone;)

 

You get ugly when you gain weight??

[Lookingforward]

How did she find out?

 

She found out when I moved to be with him - until then I guess she figured I was just words on a screen, a voice on the phone - don't know. I mean she knew about me before I moved there.

 

Before I moved she didn't seem too concerned he had moved out, or even that he was "involved" with someone else - just that he would keep supporting the family.

 

Maybe it wasn't really "real" to her until I showed up physically that he hadn't just separated but found someone else.

 

Of course it may also have had to do with the fact he got the best job opportunity he'd ever had and she suddenly wanted all that income to stay in her hands.

[angie2443]

Hmmm. So chubby girls DO deserve it? Think people, think!

 

I used to be skinny (cute rear end but nothing on top), then chubby, then "skinny yet volumtious" (got a lot of attention then!), then I got pregnant 3 times, and for health reasons, decided to go back to skinny.

 

I'm very happy for the most part with my skinny body because it is light and works better for me for dancing and running, two activities I love. Still, I was at a party a couple days ago, and the other women there were kind of chubby. No one there was perfect looking. It was hot so all the women were wearing tank tops and so was I. I'm straight, but I have to say that there is something beautiful about those curves a woman has on top. I didn't really feel envious, though, because I had that once and can go back to it.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, all body types are beautiful. It's important to see and enjoy the beauty in your own body type while respecting the beauty of another person's body type. I wish this were easiar for women to do.

[OWoman]

She found out when I moved to be with him - until then I guess she figured I was just words on a screen, a voice on the phone - don't know. I mean she knew about me before I moved there.

 

Before I moved she didn't seem too concerned he had moved out, or even that he was "involved" with someone else - just that he would keep supporting the family.

 

Maybe it wasn't really "real" to her until I showed up physically that he hadn't just separated but found someone else.

 

Of course it may also have had to do with the fact he got the best job opportunity he'd ever had and she suddenly wanted all that income to stay in her hands.

 

I wonder if my MM's W will realise he wasn't just BSing here, that there really was someone else (Me!) when she actually meets me. Or whether she'll just look right through me and continue with her fantasy that this is al about getting her back into MC...

[Lookingforward]

I wonder if my MM's W will realise he wasn't just BSing here, that there really was someone else (Me!) when she actually meets me. Or whether she'll just look right through me and continue with her fantasy that this is al about getting her back into MC...

 

mine told their kids that "daddy is just going through a phase" - she was never interested in any MC although she did go on her own (once!) after he moved out and reported back that the counsellor did admit some of his complaints were valid. Still not sure exactly what that was supposed to prove.

[Lookingforward]

back on topic - I'm sure it was never sexual jealousy she felt - unless it was a decided dog in the manger attitude to me having sex with her (then s) MM

 

he was her 'bone' and no one else was going to have it even if she no longer cared for it.

[bentnotbroken]

"Letting yourself go" has a lot more to do with what size you are. Some of the best kept women are larger than the media ideal; some stick thin women are dishevelled and ratty looking. Letting oneself go is an attitude, that shows physically in not taking care of yourself (might be weight, might be dress, might be sprouting forests under your arms and on your legs... and between them) and in other ways (not keeping up to date with stuff that interests you, not engaging with interesting and exciting people, etc.). It's not only disrespectful towards oneself, it is disrespectful towards one's partner in that it says, you are not worth making an effort for. It is the ultimate display of entitlement.

 

That's not so say that all dishevelled and unkempt women (since it's usually women) have "let themselves go" - if you were Jane Gooddall working in the rain forests, a certain earthiness would be appropriate; if you were Andrea Dworking, reforesting your limbs in protest against the oppression of depilation, you're engaging rather than disengaging. But if you're just eating yourself into a coma to escape taking control of your life, well, expect your partner (as well as friends, family or anyone who cares about you) to raise concern.

 

And, if you keep on, to lose interest.

 

 

 

Then should have left Mr. Messy about 6 or 7 years ago. That beer gut stopped being attractive when it got in the way of other stuff. But I loved him, so much I put up with his mental abuse.

[Lookingforward]

and let's not forget that every man no matter how obese, bald, dishevelled etc etc still expects he rates nothing less than a 10 for an SO