Unusual relationship start and crisis

[Ben]

I was in a relationship for about 9 years before I met C. She joined us in a 3some that lasted 2 years. However, ultimately the 3 became 2.

 

That being said, 2 years prior, I began to see someone my partner did not know about. At first it was a sexual relationship but developed into a strong friendship. That long distance relationship continued for 5+ years, with us meeting about 1-2 times a year.

 

Now C has found out about it. The timeline looks like this:

 

1990, entered long term relationship.

1998, entered casual relationship as the first was suffering.

2000, entered into threesome relationship

2001, broke up threesome and stayed with the person from 2000

2003, found out.

 

However, the big issue is not that I am in an affair. It.s the lack of trust and violation. That's the main issue. This is a very raw issue as it happened over the past 12 hours and I'm looking for help.

 

I've a lot of issues to deal with and finally going to counselling. Tried before, without luck and need to find a way to deal with this. I want to save my relationship but I also want to have a friendship with the other person. It's not one I want to throw away; she is married and staying with her husband. She is looking for someone who is supportive emotionally and that is what I want to remain. I like the close contact, but am willing to sacrifice.

 

1 Can the relationship work?

2 What do I need to do?

3 How do I show that this is sincere? (I travel LOTS for biz, so that adds complexity).

4 What else am I missing?

 

Obviously I need to make this work, or the relationship has to end. However, I also need to get my life in order first. I don't want to lose C, but at the same time I'm scared that even though we feel like best of friends, have a great and active sex life and share everything (with this one, pre-relationship issue), we aren't going to make it.

 

Advise is requested and thank you.

[Tony T]

I think you need to grow up and be straight with people. Life and love are not about selfishness.

 

Work to get your life going with minimal complications. Pick one lady and concentrate on that relationship. And stay the hell away from married women, I don't care what they say or what you feel. How would you feel if you were married to a woman you loved, who was seeing some guy on the side who actually was fighting to continue it.

 

Try to get back on the moral track. If you feel you need to have extra relationships, make no committment to anyone, be honest with everybody, and do your thing. You would be amazed at how much simpler life could be if you do that.

 

In all things, don't be deceitful. The head crap you have to go through to keep it going is simply not worth it.

[midori]

Until you settle on one person to open up to, be responsible to, etc., any relationship you have is going to be deceptive in terms of shared intimacy, trust, etc. As long as you're just playing at "relationship" with a couple of different women, you're not truly intimate, loving, or vulnerable with either of them. Trust? How can you expect trust in such a scenario?

 

You have to be willing to put all your eggs in one basket. It doesn't sound like you're ready to do that. If you were, you'd recognize that you and the married woman have no business pursuing any kind of "friendship." Check out some of the posts about emotional affairs. If she's married, she needs to be close to her husband, not you. If you're going to be in a committed relationship, you don't need an emotionally intimate relationship with another woman.

 

Counseling counseling counseling. Get thyself to a therapist, you surely are in need of one!

[Ben]

Thanks to both of you who responded so far. I'd love to hear more and I'll keep the site up to date on the results of my counselling. Hopefully others can also learn from what I'm going through and from the hurt that I've caused.

 

The terrible thing in all of this is that I've driven away the one person I want to run to and hold. C means so much to me and I feel that I've messed this up by not being truthful. It's such a complex story as well. I'm sure that a lot of people have been in situations similar to this, and I'm eager for insight.

 

C is one of the kindest people I've ever met. That is a rare thing in itself. She is also very giving, smart, fun and (god, i can't come up with enough adjectives without sounding sappy)

 

Anyway, suffice it to say that I've made mistakes. We also have had our share of fighs and problems. I'm not sure why I can't just put myself straight (although I hope that therapy helps) and live a life like other people seem to.

 

Of course, it could be illusion. Maybe everyone is suffering and trying to cope. If that is the case, then there are a lot of sad hearts around us. The best thing I can do right now is wait, but every minute seems like a day. I look around the house and see signs of her everywhere.

 

Last night she stayed at her brothers, and she is likely there for the week to come. After that, I don't know where I'll be or where she is, but my heart is wounded and I can't stop the hurt. I hoped that the second day would be a bit less painful, but it is not. I really love this woman and want to try and fix what is wrong with me. Part of that is for her, but mostly I want to fix it for me.

 

Anyway, thank you again to the people on the list so far. I'll try to update my posting after my therapy session (tomorrow night at about 6pm, so check for me sometime on Sunday).

 

Good night and thank you again for the support. Every bit helps.

 

B

[Ben]

Okay, so I attended the therapy session and, for a change, liked it. I felt good coming out of it. However, I'm still shaking (literally) and am back again on Tuesday night. This site seems to be the place to leave my commentary and notes about the relationship and all the problems that I have.

 

So I went to the therapy. Surprise, surprise... I have issues to address and they are serious. If anyone can learn anything from this posting and the follow up replies, I'm hoping it's that you have to be willing to commit to changing or all the therapy in the world will do nothing.

 

I've lost a major part of my life. I know that now and hate myself for it. I'm so sad at my loss and hope that one day I have the chance to be back with C. If so, it's going to be a new relationship, not a continuation of the current one. I have to redefine a lot of myself for this to work.

 

My sister and I spoke today and she let me know that she does not think I'm a bad person (that helps) but that I'm a person who makes bad decisions. I agree with that. I want to have the chance to become better from this. I have to learn to also like myself more before I even think of trying to have a lasting relationship. Right now, I'm positive I can't even think of seeing someone. It hurts too much and I need to take the time to discover who I am and if I even like that person enough, or if I need to make changes to fundemental parts of me.

 

Actually, I'm pretty sure that the dating thing has an exception. If C was to decide that I could see her (even socially, going to a movie or whatever) I would jump at the chance. I want to see her right now, but I also know that she and I both need distance and a chance to really grieve and try to heal a bit. The pain is raw and intense and I just keep breaking down in tears.

 

The worst thing is that the one person I want to run to to in order to cry and to be held by is the same person that I have so badly wronged. My fears have undone me and now I have to pay the price. When I spoke to C today she let me know that this was over. The relationship we had has ended and can't be revived. She did say there may be hope that we can start a fresh relationship later, and she does give me hope (it's slim, but it is hope) that there can be a chance.

 

C is a very giving person and has a lot to offer that makes her differ from most anyone I know. The level of understanding that she has for all people is one of the things that keeps drawing me to her. Because of it, I know that there is more to what she tells me than a false hope. i also know not to build too much into what is said.

 

SO, back to the therapy and what it meant. The therapist suggested that when someone decides to move out it's over and likely to never resume. However, he did say that that is the general rule, not the law and that sometimes people begin to realize what has been lost. I know that I have realized the loss in my life and have to work to make myself better before I can ever hope of improving my chances in any relationship.

 

It has been suggested that I really begin to evaluate who I am and what I have to offer. I'm doing that as well and, despite this huge lie and deception, I do think that I'm a pretty good person. I have issues (who doesn't) and need to address them, but I'm working on it. I can become someone I respect and like.

 

I also need to begin to feel better about myself in other ways. I'm not too sure about them all, but that can follow in more information as the therapy progresses. I'm also writing in ink on paper and that is new to me. I barely ever write, but now I'm taking one or two hours a day to do this. Support from anyone reading this is appreciated, as it is tough to keep going. I know this from past experiences where therapy has been considered and abandoned.

 

My therapist also has an 800 number, which is fantastic. This means I can still travel and stay in touch. Since so much of my work takes me away, I have a way of still working on my problems. He's also a bit of a computer guy, so the analogies he draws are very useful to me and begin to sink in faster. Finally, he is writing up notes on email and sending a copy to me so that I can review them later and deal with the thoughts that come to me on a more frequent basis.

 

So, I guess that's it for this session. Thanks again for the support and let me know what you think. Several of you reading this may have my email already, so please feel free to email me or post to the group. I'm truly looking to improve my self worth and my place in the eyes and hearts of my friends, family and loved ones who know me.

 

Thanks for reading, and for listening to me in whatever way you can. I'll be back later in the week to let you know what the results of the therapy are.

 

B

[GoldenWonder]

Its good that you realise what you've done and the affect its had on people. Its also nice to see you're willing to take drastic steps to repair something which means a lot to you. Do you think you would have done all this if your partner had stayed with you?

[Ben]

I don't know. It's strange to think about this. There are a lot of changes that I am making now and I think I needed a major event to drive it. I'm changing the way I approach so much in my life and that's really tough to do.

 

The therapy is just one small part of it. I'm changing the way I work, the way I eat, the way I live and act. It's a huge set of changes, so I'm not sure if I was getting close to snapping and changing myself, or if this trigger did what I may have done 6 months or a year from now.

 

I want to think that I would have ended up trying to get help, but it's so tough to play the "what I think would have happened" card without a personal bias. Obviously I have tried to make the right decisions, but have not. Now that I realize what I could have had in my life, and what I could have been, it makes it easier to say "this is what I need to do".

 

So, summary is: I think it was building up to the point that something had to be done, but I wish I had dealt with it earlier.

 

Thanks for your post,

 

Ben

[GoldenWonder]

I don't know if this is too personal or anything, but I shall ask anyway, please don't feel obligated to reply. Why did you lie in the first place? What made you violate your partners trust?

[Ben]

Good question. So, here I sit at midnight about to answer.

 

(By the way, thanks for posting a second time)

 

I suppose the main thing that I had to deal with was fear. The fear was a driving factor behind all of this. The second thing is stress. I really needed a way to deal with both of those, and the combination was not healthy.

 

I'm taking steps to deal with both (I have my third therapy session this friday) and suppose I should clarify both a bit.

 

The fear: I was afraid that C would leave me if she found out about this (okay, that's whacked, since she did find out, but not from me, and that's even worse). On top of that, there is the fear of ending any relationship, even one that is not "ideal" because you end up caring for people and don't want to hurt anyone.

 

The stress: I'm in a very stressful job, with a lot of house stress (like, two years of ongoing major renovation) and personal stress. Of course, I'm trying to cope and manage and, like most guys, come across in the "all is well" appearance to everyone.

 

The result: I snapped, showed that I have flaws and am human and give in to temptation. It was a tough situation and I needed to find a way to cope but didn't release any of the stress or fear to anyone. Because I didn't deal with the problems in my life as they developed, I lost a woman who loved me more than I can imagine and who I love to this second. I hope I can make it up to her and have a chance to redeem myself, but that has to wait until I'm healthy and she has the chance to think about what she both lost and gained.

 

So, basically I now know (thanks a lot judgment) that I need to simplify my life. I've taken big steps towards that and already feel a lot better about myself. It's going to take months or more, but I think I will come out of this a stronger person. I'm reading more on pysch (by the way, get Pysch for Idiots if you can) and learning that I do have control. I've felt like I was spinning out of control and had no say in my own life for a long time.

 

A few weeks ago I was in the office with C and said that I had no choices, but that I was only following what I had to do. I now realize that this view is wrong. All the control over my life is in my hands, but I just refused to do anything about it.

 

So, there is a warning to the readers of the trials so far... Take control, even if it means sacrifice. Learn from the mistakes of others and yourself. Learn to forgive yourself for weaknesses and learn to avoid them in the future. A great line that someone emailed me is the following:

 

"There is nothing noble in being superior to some other person. True nobility is being superior to your former self." - Hindu Proverb

 

I hope I can live up to that. Wow.

 

Goodnight all, hope this answers the question of "why" a little bit.

 

Ben

[moimeme]

I'm sorry but you get no sympathy from me. You talk about 'sacrifice', meaning you have to 'give up' one woman in order not to hurt another. I think you really need to mature. You may not be a 'bad' person, but you are selfish and thoughtless and until you can truly understand that your actions cause pain and decide that you will never again be so selfish, IMHO you don't deserve a relationship - particularly with C, who sounds like a great person who didn't deserve your treatment of her.

 

I can't believe your therapist is holding your hand. Sometimes people need to understand that they are doing terrible things, and that if you do enough terrible things, that DOES make you a 'bad person'. With luck, that will give a person impetus to change and try to be a 'good person' instead. To say you aren't a 'bad person' lets you believe that you didn't do anything that awful.

 

I know I have said that people get into affairs without intending to and that can happen, but staying in an affair is a different story; you make definite choices to do that and one of those choices is to lie to somebody who trusts you.

[Ben]

I didn't come here looking for sympathy, so whether it is given or not is of no consequence. I came to this site to try and talk through my feelings and to see if there are steps beyond those that I am already taking that I can follow. That would allow me the chance to change who I am.

 

The comments about maturing are a valid one. That's what I'm working on and I don't see "selfish and thoughtless" as going hand in hand with maturity (or lack thereof). I do agree with the two, but don't think they are defining traits in who I am. I know that they both contributed to the situation and I'm addressing those in therapy as well.

 

I'm aware that i did a terrible thing, but I also know that I am not a terrible person. To pass judgement on someone without an idea of all the other aspects of their life is unfair. You are, of course, entitled to your opinions, but if they are geared towards being mean or attacking people, I don't want to hear them.

 

Several valid points are made in your posting. Yes C is a great person. I'm not all that bad either. Yes, she did not deserve the way that I treated her in regards to lying. However, she did completely deserve the way I treated her in so many ways. For example, she deserved every compliment I paid to her, she deserved every thought that I had of her, every picnic, every walk, every talk and more. She deserved (and does deserve) to be happy and, if I can bring that back to her, great.

 

If I can't then she and I will be friends and supportive of each other and both have a part of our being that is sad and lonely. However, I refuse to think that there is no forgiveness of a sin like this. There are differences between forgetting about pain and letting the pain abate by realizing the cause of it.

 

My therapist is not "holding my hand" at all. Instead he is (after two appointments) helping to guide me towards understanding what motivates me and how I deal with events beyond my control and within my control. He is teaching me to try and learn the differences between the two of them and how to deal with stress. I think that's a lot to do, but it's worth it if I come out of the sessions a little stonger as a person and more able to deal with problems in my life.

 

So, I do understand that what I did (lying. plain and simple, I lied. it's not even the affair, it's the lie that kept going). I also understand that there are ways I can change and try to be a better person. However, I am very sure that one mistake (regardless of the magnitute of it) can be forgiven.

 

I have a friend who lost his parents in a killing a few years ago and I was shocked when I heard it was family related. However, the priest at the service asked everyone to pray for the victims and then included the accused. He said "yes, especially for [him]" because he needs our support more than ever before in his life. His family is supportive of him and they are aware of his sickness.

 

My sickness is in the way I deal with stress. it has been for a long time. I get angry. Frustration is one thing, but the way you address it is another. I'm frustrated at the posting that you made because it seems to be a bit vengeful. To start with "you get no sympathy from me" seems harsh. I came here to try and learn to improve myself, and most of the posting are supportive and encouraging. I've learned (in a very painful way) what happens when I let my lies continue and now need to find a way to heal both myself and my relationship with C.

 

If that means that one day we are back together, great. if not, then I have lost a lot in my life. I also know that she is a wonderful person who can make someone very, very happy and know that she will find happiness again. We are both young (around 30) and have years ahead of us. I hope that they are together, but I'm not deluded into thinking that this will just "wash away" over time.

 

I have already begun to apologize for my actions. I've contacted her family (or started to) and mine. I've told people what my feelings are and how I am dealing with this. By going to therapy I am working to improve my own mental health.

 

So, no, I'm not a bad person. I'm a good person who made a very stupid, very bad and very selfish choice. To judge me on that alone is unfair, just as my judgement of you based on one message is unfair. I have had my share of email from friends who have told me they are supportive of me as a person, but not my actions. I've realized that lying is not the solution to problems.

 

Now I'm on this forum a week to the day after this was first exposed. The shock is a little less, but the pain is as freash as ever. When I hear C on the phone it makes me want to rush to her and hug her and take away the pain, but I can't. She has to decide if that is ever going to be allowed.

 

If not, then we move ahead and try to love again and learn from this. If the chance is there, we move ahead and try to love again and learn from this.

 

In either case, I know that she will be happy again and so will I. However, I also know that if I lose her as a partner in my life the lose is a major one for both of us, but I'll hurt all the more knowing it was due to my actions.

 

Thank you to the members on this list for reading, sharing and caring enough to discuss such personal issues. It helps to have a group to turn to. All your messages are important to me, regardless of content. I learn a little bit more every day and try to cope as well as I can.

 

Tomorrow is the day that we should have left on vacation together. Instead C is going without me. I'll be going for a bit with my sibling, but I wish it was C and I. If we get to do this in the future, great. If not, then, again, I have lost something so important to me. I cry every night, but more for the loss than the sorrow. That may not sound right, but I know that she is sad and I can offer little in the way of comfort and that is a huge loss for me. I end up with a lump in my throat and a tightness in my chest because of it.

 

I'll likely come back on the board later tonight and post again, but I just wanted to check in to see what new postings I had. I hope that those who are here looking for help find it. However, I can't stress the importance of wanting to change. I talked about it a lot, but I'm finally getting the willpower to make difficult choices in my life. I'm trying to get healthy and strong.

 

More than that I can't ask for. Until I'm healthy and stong I can't even think to try and fix anything else. It's a long path, but worth taking if I want to be happier with who I am. Once that happens, I can start to work on making others happy again.

 

Thank you again to all of you,

 

Ben