luvstarved Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 May I ask how long you have been married? I have similar issues with my H and selfishness but I am doggedly determined and have made SOME progress with him. But your story sounded so familiar to me from earlier times, and even somewhat recently. But...I learned a while back how to get around him in these moods and so he is not as effective as he used to be at getting out of things he does not want to do. The thing with this type of guy is, he really DOES NOT EMPATHIZE with other people's feelings in these situations and will generally do anything and everything just to get their own way...and then deny doing it!!! I would not be surprised to hear that your H later said "well, we could have gone if you wanted to...you said never mind!!" or similar. In my H's case he was just so used to getting his way...as a bachelor living with parents that he did....and still does...have a tough time compromising, giving, etc. I used to get so frustrated with my H's machinations to get out of things that I would give up and give in too...then I was miserable and he couldn't have been happier. Why the F should that happen? My H still tries. We were at a ball game the other day and I wanted to go 2 miles out of the way on the way home to get takeout from a fave restaurant. He didn't want to be bothered...so at first it was "OK" then "are you sure you want to?" "the traffic will be bad" "maybe we could go there some better time" blah blah blah. In the past, I would have said "alright already we will go another time"...but now, I stick to my guns (well 90% of the time anyway)...so I just kept saying "I'm not asking for too much, we're going...it won't kill you"...and he gave in and no blow up either. Some people will not respond to being pushed back, but many many will...have you tried this with your H??? I get irritated at having to push back but it really has lessened in frequency as I suppose he is not going to keep employing an unsuccessful strategy... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 Nobody's asking what the H's relationship with the inlaws are? That could be a real factor in this problem. I never enjoyed the three times a year get togethers of 50+ people on holidays. During a 25 year marriage we never had one with just "our" family, H, W, 2 chillens. We always had to share and adopt the inlaws traditions. I wanted to have a harmonious marriage, so I went along with it. I'm sorry I did. Is the H under pressure to do something her really doesen't want to do? This in no way excuses the H's rude and manipulitve behavior. Just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 I would've just called a taxi' date=' took the kids with me - and spent the night. Let him be a jerk all by himself![/quote'] Bingo! You're an adult, why not take charge of the situation? Take a taxi, call a friend, have someone from the BBQ come pick you up. Lots of ways to get there... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 Bingo! You're an adult, why not take charge of the situation? Take a taxi, call a friend, have someone from the BBQ come pick you up. Lots of ways to get there... Mr. Lucky None of those options were options. I don't have any friends living in the area willing to drive three hours round trip (if the traffic conditions are good) just to drop me off at a family function and go back home. I would never impose on someone like that anyway. A cab is too much money. I don't have that kind of cash to burn on a one day trip. I'm barely making ends meet. The only thing I could have done that I didn't do was find out about a train schedule but it didn't even occur to me until after. Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 Is the H under pressure to do something her really doesen't want to do? That's the problem. He never really wants to do anything IF it involves me or the children. He doesn't have a relationship with my family because he avoids spending any time with them. He does the same thing with his own family. The only thing he wants to do is go spend time with his friends. It's like he's an eighteen year old kid. In the past three years we have gone out four times as a family and just twice by ourselves. The only reason we even went out by ourselves was because he had two important events to attend that he would have looked foolish attending alone. Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 May I ask how long you have been married? I have similar issues with my H and selfishness but I am doggedly determined and have made SOME progress with him. But your story sounded so familiar to me from earlier times, and even somewhat recently. But...I learned a while back how to get around him in these moods and so he is not as effective as he used to be at getting out of things he does not want to do. The thing with this type of guy is, he really DOES NOT EMPATHIZE with other people's feelings in these situations and will generally do anything and everything just to get their own way...and then deny doing it!!! I would not be surprised to hear that your H later said "well, we could have gone if you wanted to...you said never mind!!" or similar. In my H's case he was just so used to getting his way...as a bachelor living with parents that he did....and still does...have a tough time compromising, giving, etc. I used to get so frustrated with my H's machinations to get out of things that I would give up and give in too...then I was miserable and he couldn't have been happier. Why the F should that happen? My H still tries. We were at a ball game the other day and I wanted to go 2 miles out of the way on the way home to get takeout from a fave restaurant. He didn't want to be bothered...so at first it was "OK" then "are you sure you want to?" "the traffic will be bad" "maybe we could go there some better time" blah blah blah. In the past, I would have said "alright already we will go another time"...but now, I stick to my guns (well 90% of the time anyway)...so I just kept saying "I'm not asking for too much, we're going...it won't kill you"...and he gave in and no blow up either. Some people will not respond to being pushed back, but many many will...have you tried this with your H??? I get irritated at having to push back but it really has lessened in frequency as I suppose he is not going to keep employing an unsuccessful strategy... Sadly, no. He will give in and then crank his passive aggressiveness to overdrive and make my life miserable for standing up for myself. *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 None of those options were options. I don't have any friends living in the area willing to drive three hours round trip (if the traffic conditions are good) just to drop me off at a family function and go back home. I would never impose on someone like that anyway. A cab is too much money. I don't have that kind of cash to burn on a one day trip. I'm barely making ends meet. The only thing I could have done that I didn't do was find out about a train schedule but it didn't even occur to me until after. Well, you got yourself into a position where your license was suspended. And now you've got a list of reasons why you can't do what you want to do and you've decided that your husband's the one holding you back. Doesn't look that way from here... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Well, you got yourself into a position where your license was suspended. And now you've got a list of reasons why you can't do what you want to do and you've decided that your husband's the one holding you back. Doesn't look that way from here... Mr. Lucky Silly me. You are so right! I mean what kind of a pathetic loser actually needs there own spouse to help them out now and then? How blind of me not to see how exceedingly irresponsible I was for not dusting off my crystal ball to foresee that my husband would bail on me last minute and there is just no excuse for never getting around to plant that money tree that could have given me the cash to rectify the situation. How stupid of me for getting upset that my husband backed out of something he promised me months earlier because he just didn't feel like doing it. I sure as hell don't need to come here to be talked down to like an idiot or ridiculed for having the audacity to count on my own husband. I'm done posting here. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Don't leave. You've received alot of helpful advice, so concentrate on the more positives ones and try not to let the harsher ones make you want to run away from here. Link to post Share on other sites
thebam Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Which is right, dont go because someone gives you the opinion of an ice god with no heart lol.......Maybe your husband could do with the old "you dont know what you have got till its gone" give him a fright, may shock him into gaining some energy! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 Silly me. You are so right! I mean what kind of a pathetic loser actually needs there own spouse to help them out now and then? How blind of me not to see how exceedingly irresponsible I was for not dusting off my crystal ball to foresee that my husband would bail on me last minute and there is just no excuse for never getting around to plant that money tree that could have given me the cash to rectify the situation. How stupid of me for getting upset that my husband backed out of something he promised me months earlier because he just didn't feel like doing it. I sure as hell don't need to come here to be talked down to like an idiot or ridiculed for having the audacity to count on my own husband. I'm done posting here. BrokenMuse: I apologize that my post has rubbed you the wrong way. I usually try to keep my posts brief and to the point because...well, that's the way I am. What I was trying to suggest was that, having already been victimized by your husband's selfishness and lack of regard for your feelings, you have two choices. One, let his boorishness ruin your plans (and possibly your marriage to him) or, Two, take matters into your own hands as much as possible and get what you want. In other words, if he's going to behave like a turd, let him go lay in the yard by himself. It was not my intention to talk down to you ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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