self esteem issues really bad

[toni161084]

anyone can you give any advice?

[justine4]

hi thanks for replying i really appreciate it.My therapists before have really told me that they would be dealing with the feelings i have right now.My last one said that i had anxiety.I learnt ways to deal with it but the problem is still there i just dont understand it.I cant tell anyone how i feel because i sound pathetic.My bf doesnt understand and i feel so alone.He says hes not cheating and never would.Weve had countless arguements about this issue.I have told him that i know its me and im sorry and i will try to get help which i am trying as im going to counselling again soon.

 

This whole thing drives me crazy its ruining things with my friends to as when im out and hes at home im constantly thinking hes looking at porn and stuff.Sometimes i make up excuses to leave early to try and catch him out.Ive turned into this monster an i hate myself for it.After all who am i to tell him what he can and cant do?It just kills me inside.I try to explain to him how i feel and why i feel that way but its like talking to a brick wall i dont think he will ever understand.

 

I asked him not to look at porn for a while wich may seem unreasonable to people but while i am trying to get help i dont want to worry about him doing it.He promised he wouldnt and one day i accused him that he wanted to do it and whould find other ways to do it after reading something on the net.The result was that while i was out he did look at it on a site where u talk to people who have webcams.He said that he was angry and even though i havent forgiven him i do believe that people will do things if you keep accusing them off doing it.I do check to see thats hes not doing it which is wrong on my behalf i know !guilty as charged! i just cant help it.He hasnt looked at it and hasnt gone on that site since the last time which i am thankful for.

 

I just hope that i will be able to get over this.He said to me once that he doesnt want me to go to counselling so that he can look at porn.I see this problem as mine infact i know it is and i feel so guilty.There are so many things i want to say but i dont want to bore you all to death with it.

Thankyou for any help ppl !

 

PLEASE STOP APOLOGISING AND PUTTING EVERYTHING YOUR BOYFRIEND IS DOING DOWN TO YOU!

When your bf is aware of your self-esteem issues and continues to look at other women and porn, and make it blatently obvious - ITS HIM, NOT YOU!

He isn't taking your feelings into consideration at all, and because you're taking everything onboard and being the 'fallguy' for it all, you're giving him a free ride to continue with behaviour that a lot of women, even without any self-esteem issues, would maybe feel a little uncomfortable with.

Its not a healthy situation for you to be in. If you already know you suffer from low self-esteem, you need a partner that makes you feel good about yourself, and boosts your confidence. Neither of which your current bf is doing. You're worth more!!

[Lucky555]

I agree with justine4. HE is disrespecting you. I feel the same way you do however guys are different. One of my boyfriends used to check out girls but was respectful towards me. I can honestly say that he didn't have to know if i had issues or not.ITS human nature to be jealous. Some people don't mind and i think there are very few people who are like that. Most people don't like it when their boyfriend or girlfriend is starring and checking out other girls while his is with you! Its just disrespectful. Porn is another issue. i know guys that watch porn and look at magazines. i don't think its a big deal because i don't see it as being real. However, if the guy tried to compare me to these women that did porn or those mags, then i wouldn't be happy.

 

I think you guy knows you have insecurity issues and he is manipulating your emotions. I also think that the more he looks the more you cling and the more you feel you have to prove to him that you are worthy enough for him. This way he feels like he has the upper hand. this guy i can say i don't like what he is doing. he will make you feel really bad and you will have more issues with self esteem. I know i have been here and i realized it was unhealthy and i DUMPED HIM! yeah i am still hurt but these were reasons why i also dumped compiled with others.

 

Its not totally you.

[philaj]

I'm a guy and have cruised many a porn. Justine is right. Its not you!!!!!!!This guy is a creeper. When you find the right person it won't be hard.

[John Who]

First of all is your BF aware of your selfesteem issue's?

 

If not then you should tell him how you feel ,don't assume he know's.

 

I do not think there is anything wrong with looking at other women or a girl checking out a guy,we are all human's it is in our nature to notice someone who we find attractive.

 

As long as he is'nt looking at her like he's mind fu-king her,cause if that is the case then yes he is disrespecting you.

[sally4sara]

PLEASE STOP APOLOGISING AND PUTTING EVERYTHING YOUR BOYFRIEND IS DOING DOWN TO YOU!

When your bf is aware of your self-esteem issues and continues to look at other women and porn, and make it blatently obvious - ITS HIM, NOT YOU!

He isn't taking your feelings into consideration at all, and because you're taking everything onboard and being the 'fallguy' for it all, you're giving him a free ride to continue with behaviour that a lot of women, even without any self-esteem issues, would maybe feel a little uncomfortable with.

Its not a healthy situation for you to be in. If you already know you suffer from low self-esteem, you need a partner that makes you feel good about yourself, and boosts your confidence. Neither of which your current bf is doing. You're worth more!!

 

I don't think this is realistic advise. No one you date can fix your self esteem issue. You might find a guy who doesn't look at porn, but would you believe he wasn't looking? Could you promise that you wouldn't next take issue with him even speaking to another woman? I don't think real self esteem comes from receiving compliments daily from your SO either. If you don't believe those things about yourself to begin with, you will only think they are lying or just saying it because they think you NEED to hear it all the time.

What are your outside interests? Do you have any hobbies you could get more involved in? Do you go to school? When you accomplish things, it gives you confidence. REAL confidence. Placing all your self esteem on how good you look physically isn't real and doesn't last. The problems will only resurface when you get older. But pride in your abilities and accomplishments don't fade with time. A good guy will be impressed with these things and not just how you look physically. Guys might ogle a pretty face and body, but they won't want to stick around if she's a babbling and lazy moron.

[justine4]

Of course I'm right philaj lol lol!!

 

In responce to sally4sara - please read my post again. I didn't actually say that one person could fix anothers self-esteem issues. But if someone has low self-esteem the last thing they need is a partner who makes them feel worse about themselves.

 

They, obviously, are the only one who can improve themselves, and increase their opinion of their own self-worth. Having a partner who makes them feel better with themselves though, as opposed to using their insecurities as a handy excuse, how on earth could anyone feel good about themselves?

[BearHugger]

Hi before you read on and comment id like to ask you for advice.I dont want or need critisim.I realsie i have a problem and im here to deal with that problem.Thanks to everyone who reads this and posts beforehand your advice is really important to me!

 

My problem is that i dont have any self esteem really.Things in my past have caused me to be this way and ive had quite a few counsellors.The thing is that my problem causes more problems.Im in a relationship and as many of you im sure have heard before i have a problem with my boyfriend looking at other women and looking at porn.Before anyone goes off on one i realise that this way of thinking is unrealistic.My boyfriend isnt blind and he will find other people attractive.This problem has become really big.Its become the main thing in everyday of my life.I worry that hes always looking at other women because he prefers them and when im not here and its most the time im not here he looks at naked women and i find out and think im not good enough.I dont want to feel like this anymore its destroying me.I know that im being stupid but i cant seem to deal with this on my own.

 

I know the main problem is my self esteem issues that why i feel the way i do about him looking a other women.Im asking you all for advice on how i can get over this.Ive had this problem since i was 16 and im 23 now so its been here a while.I want to do this for me and for my relationship with my bf.It makes me feel ugly,unloved,unattractive and even worse about my self than i originally thought.Im making my bf get angry because he doesnt see anything wrong with it and he cant understand my problem.

 

Please can anyone help?

 

I feel like I should delete my post from earlier. I don't have any advice because I am in the same boat as you and you pretty much took the words out of my mouth...

 

I hope your situation gets better. Try to stay strong.

[sally4sara]

Of course I'm right philaj lol lol!!

 

In responce to sally4sara - please read my post again. I didn't actually say that one person could fix anothers self-esteem issues. But if someone has low self-esteem the last thing they need is a partner who makes them feel worse about themselves.

 

They, obviously, are the only one who can improve themselves, and increase their opinion of their own self-worth. Having a partner who makes them feel better with themselves though, as opposed to using their insecurities as a handy excuse, how on earth could anyone feel good about themselves?

 

My point being that her BF doesn't sound like he is doing anything outrageous to cause these feelings. He looks at porn on occasion as many folk do. She's has issues that are making this a problem; nothing she posted sounds as bad as all that. As long as he isn't turning her down in lue of porn, he isn't adding to her problems. I don't know many guys who don't look now and then and if he stopped it would be creating a false environment to change very little within her. It sounded to me like she needs to adapt to a lighter attitude; not that he should walk around with blinders on to limit her symptoms.

[theobserver]

Talk to your boyfriend again, and make it clear to him again that you dont appreciate his disrespecting attitude.

 

Now as a man I'm extremely happy with my partner I will do anything for her, and treat her like a Queen hell as I'm concerend she is a Queen. However I still might glance at other women but it's very cold heartedly. I'd look at women like most men as a piece of meat if I think she's attractive I don't go as far as imagining some hot seedy affair etc It's just a glance a thought and I get on with the world. It is not the same when I look at my partner whom I have deep respect for and love.

Like most people I will look at porn and like most men it's merely to get off when alone or needing a quick pop again I could care less about the women involved in the porn it's emotionless I'm just jerking off and getting on with life, if my partner is around theres no need for it I will very happily be taking out my needs with her while ofcourse satisfying her needs the best I can.

 

 

Presuming your boyfriend is a nice guy and not some douchebag who is losing interest in you then just talk to him. If he's not too dim he'd learn to cut down the glancing other women or watching too much porn tell him to learn how to delete web history ;/ nobody likes to look at a webhistory and see 14 pages of porn clips and searching it would make anyone feel down. We know it happens but we don't want to see it some people with "nice guys" just have better smarter ways of hiding it.

 

I wish you the best of luck, my girlfriend was very much like you in the early days of the relationship. She talked to me about it, I cared enough to alter my ways. If he plans for a continued long relationship with you he will reconsider his behaviour.

 

Good Luck

[star7hjw77]

Today is the first time that I have posted on this site (or any site for that matter). I completely understand and feel the pain that you are describing and it breaks my heart.

 

I began therapy about two months ago (two months into a new relationship) because I began to recognize a pattern in my behavior that I had never been aware of in previous relationships. It amazes me how much blame I placed on others in the relationship (romantic, work, family) and never looked at myself as the culprit. I always feel, no matter how much a man shows me and tells me that he wants to be with me, that he is going elsewhere and my heart will be shattered.

 

Once a week therapy has already done wonders, but I am still lost and on the borderline of asking for some sort of anxiety/depression drug just to get me through this point in my life. It seems that the more doors I open into my past and the more that I fall for this guy.....the less stable I become and the more lost I feel. I can't offer any words of wisdom because I am just as lost as you, but I wanted to say that someone in GA knows how you feel.

 

I am hoping for a day when I don't feel the weight of the world on my mind and worry that consumes me for no reason.

 

Hang in there sweetie!!!

[whichwayisup]

Try cognitive behaviour therapy to help you with your anxiety. This type of therapy is amazing and a long the way your T (therapist) will teach you the skills to change your thinking habits into more positive ones, and she'll also work with you at your own pace on how to build up your self esteem.

 

NOT all men watch porn, and not all men treat their girlfriends like crap. Your bf is selfish and disreguards your feelings. That is not cool at all.

 

It is possible that you two are not well matched.

[sweetlee102]

I just wanted to comment on your post. I feel the same way in relationships. No matter how good it seems to me its not and the guy I am seeing is going to leave me for someone else or cheat, etc. It never fails I have been seeing this new guy for 5 months. Its going well and i really care for him but in my head its driving me crazy. I constantly think he is with or talking to other girls. Im scared to relax and enhoy because i feel like if i do ill miss a sign. I also started therapy and im hoping it will help because my issues have destroyed alot of things in my life.

 

if you find any ways to cope let me know. good luck!

 

Today is the first time that I have posted on this site (or any site for that matter). I completely understand and feel the pain that you are describing and it breaks my heart.

 

I began therapy about two months ago (two months into a new relationship) because I began to recognize a pattern in my behavior that I had never been aware of in previous relationships. It amazes me how much blame I placed on others in the relationship (romantic, work, family) and never looked at myself as the culprit. I always feel, no matter how much a man shows me and tells me that he wants to be with me, that he is going elsewhere and my heart will be shattered.

 

Once a week therapy has already done wonders, but I am still lost and on the borderline of asking for some sort of anxiety/depression drug just to get me through this point in my life. It seems that the more doors I open into my past and the more that I fall for this guy.....the less stable I become and the more lost I feel. I can't offer any words of wisdom because I am just as lost as you, but I wanted to say that someone in GA knows how you feel.

 

I am hoping for a day when I don't feel the weight of the world on my mind and worry that consumes me for no reason.

 

Hang in there sweetie!!!

[sally4sara]

Try cognitive behaviour therapy to help you with your anxiety. This type of therapy is amazing and a long the way your T (therapist) will teach you the skills to change your thinking habits into more positive ones, and she'll also work with you at your own pace on how to build up your self esteem.

 

NOT all men watch porn, and not all men treat their girlfriends like crap. Your bf is selfish and disreguards your feelings. That is not cool at all.

It is possible that you two are not well matched.

 

Nothing she posted indicates this. I do agree that it is possible they are poorly matched. She has stated that she knows she has low self esteem and that is why it bothers her when he looks at other women. We don't know to what extent he views porn. No not all guys look at porn but she also doesn't like him even looking at other women. Women are everywhere. He could be an avid comic book reader and the way they draw the female characters could bring this reaction out of her too. He could suddenly have to work closely with an attractive female and she would be having these emotions. Him being bewildered and getting angry about her coming at him on this subject sounds pretty common. Especially if it really isn't that often. I just don't see the wisdom in telling her her BF is being a jerk when we have so little information about a one sided issue.

I like dark haired guys that are reasonably fit. I happen to have a dark haired reasonably fit male hair stylist. He is the best I've found. If my guy had low self esteem issues and would have a melt down whenever I got my hair cut, it would start to piss me off. Would that make me disrespectful, selfish, and lacking any regard for my guy? Or would I be having a normal reaction to his irrational outbursts?

I'm sure his looking at porn doesn't help, but I don't think the problem will be fixed simply by him never looking at women or porn ever. It is just a temporary band-aid. Writing her BF off as selfish jerk will only serve to give her something to focus on other than her very real issues. Issues she says she had before this relationship and will likely have in any relationship if she can't get a handle on things. If anything, she should go single again, get some IC and look for these men who don't look at anything that could be seen as porn (movies, magazines, posters, comics, music videos, that chick on Mythbusters, women's volleyball, video game characters, etc.) that you seem to think exist in abundance.

[star7hjw77]

I just wanted to comment on your post. I feel the same way in relationships. No matter how good it seems to me its not and the guy I am seeing is going to leave me for someone else or cheat, etc. It never fails I have been seeing this new guy for 5 months. Its going well and i really care for him but in my head its driving me crazy. I constantly think he is with or talking to other girls. Im scared to relax and enhoy because i feel like if i do ill miss a sign. I also started therapy and im hoping it will help because my issues have destroyed alot of things in my life.

 

if you find any ways to cope let me know. good luck!

 

We have been together almost 5 months so it seems that we are in the same spot, lol. I HATE that I can't trust him and just relax in situations. Even when he is right in front of my nose I shoot him looks and don't trust him. I know that he loves me, but the thoughts still won't stop. When I first entered therapy she asked if I wanted to consider medication and due to the stigma and horror stories that I have heard I quickly shut that down. Now I am wondering if I need to take something for the anxiety just to get me through these rough months of therapy.

 

We spent the entire weekend together at the beach this weekend and then two nights apart when we got back have been filled with HORRIBLE thoughts of what he is doing. I know that he is just catching up on work, doing laundry, getting groceries and enjoying some time alone....I know that in my mind and heart, but I cannot stop obsessing and wondering if he actually wants to be with me.

 

This site has been a life savor today.....I really had no idea that other people had these same issues. No idea. It is certainly not a way that I want to live though.

 

Are you taking any meds?

[toni161084]

Hi thanks for everyone for your advice.My boyfriend doesnt do it excessivley or anything like that i guess. its normally when i go out.I just dont know why this effects me so much.I totally know its me over reacting and i dont want to be like this anymore it just causes arguements.He knows i have self esteem issues as ive told him how i felt and such.Im just scared when he looks at these things that he might wonder what the hell hes doing with me when theres prettier people out there.He said his fave website was this site where men email photos of there girlfriends in.I felt crushed.

 

I feel empty because ive had this problem in every relationship ive been in and i thought i would get better i just havent.

[justine4]

My point being that her BF doesn't sound like he is doing anything outrageous to cause these feelings. He looks at porn on occasion as many folk do. She's has issues that are making this a problem; nothing she posted sounds as bad as all that. As long as he isn't turning her down in lue of porn, he isn't adding to her problems. I don't know many guys who don't look now and then and if he stopped it would be creating a false environment to change very little within her. It sounded to me like she needs to adapt to a lighter attitude; not that he should walk around with blinders on to limit her symptoms.

 

Telling someone with low self-esteem issues (of which she is already blatently aware) that she needs to adapt to a lighter attitude, is like telling someone who's suicidal to cheer up! I sincerely hope you're not in a 'caring profession' - theres not too much empathy coming through in your post.

 

It is true that she needs to work on her self-esteem in as far as maybe therapy, self-help books etc is concerned, but being in a relationship with someone who is making her feel worse about herself isn't healthy. She needs someone who will take her issues into consideration and work with that, helping to boost her confidence

[sally4sara]

Telling someone with low self-esteem issues (of which she is already blatently aware) that she needs to adapt to a lighter attitude, is like telling someone who's suicidal to cheer up! I sincerely hope you're not in a 'caring profession' - theres not too much empathy coming through in your post.

 

It is true that she needs to work on her self-esteem in as far as maybe therapy, self-help books etc is concerned, but being in a relationship with someone who is making her feel worse about herself isn't healthy. She needs someone who will take her issues into consideration and work with that, helping to boost her confidence

 

Being in a relationship with someone with low self esteem doesn't mean you create some fake sheltered world in an effort to make it easier for them to continue to be overly sensitive. She needs to find real reasons to be proud of herself so she can stop focusing on other women and what her BF might think of them.

The answer isn't always that the other person needs to change. In this case, her BF isn't the cause of her issues. Why should he have to heavy down when she can seek IC and lighten up? I don't see the sense in telling her the opposite - that she should expect him to accommodate her groundless insecurities. It is unrealistic and solves nothing.

I'm sure she is feeling real emotion despite there actually being a reason for it. I didn't simply tell her to lighten up. I told her to cultivate real reasons to feel good about herself because that is the only way to stop worrying about there being women her BF finds attractive.

Sometimes the ladies on here give me a headache about this subject! There is a difference between not adding to someone's self esteem issues and making it easier for them to continue to be so.