So uncertain...

[whichwayisup]

She has mental illness too? How is she disabled?

 

You should postpone the wedding until this gets resolved.

 

How do you live with a mother who is so dysfunctional that she has stolen medications out of your purse to medicate her self and claim that you are trying to kill her to her grand children.

 

Sounds like she needs to seek a trip to the shrink and also pain management. If she is stealing medications to self medicate, something is very wrong here.

 

Talk to your boyfriend, but not from a bad place - Let him know that you are concerned about her mental health as well as her physical health and maybe now he needs to focus on JUST his mom. Don't turn it around and make it about you, because in reality, this IS his mom and if his dad isn't around to help, she IS his responsibility. I know it isn't easy on you, but if you love him, try to help in a positive way and try your best not to let this get to you.

 

He isn't going to NOT marry you, I doubt she has that much power over changing his love for you. BUT, if he does allow that to happen, all that means is he was never the right one for you.

 

Don't give up, just approach this from a supporting angle. Take a step back, remove your feelings and try to see this situation with an open mind.

[vander]

Yikes ... I can identify.

 

My future MIL is not physically sick, but is severely unhealthily attached to her son. She sees me as a little thief who came to steal her son away from her. And she also acts up to catch his attention.

 

But I also see that she is a divorced woman whose first husband cheated on her. She remarried, but after 15 years of marriage, her new husband died of cancer. She has alot of reasons to cling to her son. She has no family left.

 

It helps to see her for who she is -- a woman who has been through pain that I haven't experienced yet.

 

I also see that it hurts my fiance to view his mother as a liability. If I put him in a position where he feels he must either abandon his mother or lose his fiancee, that is a burden that is too much to bear. Besides, if he DID abandon her for me, he would always feel horrible and would resent me for it.

 

I communicated to him that I accept his family and I accept him. That helped him to feel more secure with himself. Being more self-assured, it became easier for him to enforce boundaries with his mother.

 

Although things aren't perfect, things are getting better.

 

I think it's important for the guy to know that you accept him AND his family.

 

I think it's also important to specify that you don't accept certain behaviors. Chances are, he doesn't accept those behaviors either -- he is simply too emotionally entrenched to stand up to them yet. (When you spend your entire life being manipulated and guilt-tripped by someone, it's difficult to break free ... perhaps he needs counseling?)

 

I agree it may be a good idea to consider postponing the wedding until this is resolved. If he is truly the love of your life, don't end it.

[GPFan]

Tough one. You do recognise that if you marry him, then you are marrying your MIL too. Somehow I think you wish to avoid this. I don't blame you!

 

His Mother is demanding he choose between her and you. This isn't fair but she has thrown down the gauntlet. However, he probably won't choose unless he has to. This is where you come in. Are you willing to live your life appeasing this woman until she passes? If not, you have come to that proverbial fork-in-the-road.

 

You have power too. You have the power to choose what you want for yourself. Decide. Once you make your decision, the others will have to decide what they will do in response.

 

Don't you be the one jumping through hoops for anyone else!

[stillafool]

Are you sure we don't have the same MIL? I know how you feel mine is the exact same way. Fortunately now we live 3000 miles from her.

 

I know I couldn't stand living in the same house as my MIL. She is coming to visit for a week and I don't know how I'm going to handle that. I think you need to talk to your fiance about how you feel. Tell him you do not feel comfortable waiting on his mother. Don't start it and you won't have to finish it is what I say. You have to tell him how you feel about his mother now or it will break you up later. She is trying to break you up because she does not want you to take him away from her. If she is disabled who will look after her? Does she have any daughters she can live with?

[mikeg]

When you marry someone you are also marrying their family. Ideally, marrying into a family you love is best. Your post makes it clear that you aren't in that position, so your job is harder.

 

You have a part in this too. Your part is to be a supportive, loving partner who empathizes with the struggles of this family. Judging from your attitude in this post (which may not be reflective of your typical disposition) I'd say you are having a hard time doing this. If you truly want this situation to succeed long term, you cannot make his mother your adversary. No matter how annoying or crazy she is, you've got to be the bigger person 100% of the time. Nothing will ensure long term failure more than your outspoken enmity towards his mother.

 

Now lets talk about his part. He's in a pickle here. He's got a mother who is insanely selfish (which will NEVER change) that feels she must compete for his affection. Above all else, she is probably terrified of being abandoned by him and sees you as a huge threat (there is probably some steps you could take to alleviate some of this). His job (and this is the part I think you sense but haven't clearly articulated) is to manage this relationship with his mother. If he is going to marry you, he must honor that commitment by insisting that others have reasonable boundaries. His mother ostensibly does not have reasonable boundaries and he's not doing his job.

 

My suggestion would be that you do the hard thing and work to build empathy and compassion for his mother. At the same time, I think you must insist that your boyfriend be a leader in his relationship with you and his mother. To the extent that he's unable to do that, I doesn't sound like he's quite ready to get married. I think its possible for you to delay the marriage until you two can sort this thing out.

 

My sister and my girlfriend are like oil and water. My sister happens to be a volatile person who is very difficult to get along with. I love both my sister and girlfriend very very much. When the two of them have conflict, I very assertively and proactively put out the fire. When we first started dating this was a hard thing. Over the years, I've got it down to a science. Nevertheless, there will probably never be a kindred bond between the two of them and I will always have to do some work to keep that relationship in order. If I just sat back and let them work it out or allowed one of them to manipulate me to irritate the other person, it would be chaos.

 

Bottom line: if you are going to be mad at anyone, it should be your boyfriend and not his mother. She might be a tough customer, but ultimately its his job to strike a balance between his obligations to you and his obligations to his mother.

 

Have the two of you ever considered what will happen if she can no longer live by herself? Is she going to move in with you?

[phyl4154]

My mother in law to be is very bitter to the world. For the last 6 years everyone in the famiily has been saying "this will be her last year" Well that was 6 years ago and she is still here and is sooooo nasty to me because I take her son away..Now get this.

 

I am 54 my fiancee is 62 and is mother is 86 and she isnt going to die this year or next year.

 

In my relationship my fiancee has over the years learn to dislike his mother as much as he loves her because she relies on only him and not the rest of the family....why has this happened...because he has allowed it.

 

As much as he loves me....he uses his mother as an excuse not for use to get married now...and as much as I love him I could not live with her unless he sees all her faults and realizes that she is his mother...not his wife.

 

If it is bad for you before you marry it will be 10 times worse when you are married. If you fiancee stands up for you and doesnt pity his mother because of her disability and doesnt baby her you may have a chance but if he plays on her pity because she is her mom and puts you in the back seat then you will live in hell.

 

Love is strong between 2 people....not 3 two!!! I feel for you, its an awful place to be....I have been in that place for 7 plus years and it is only getting worse the older we all get the more care one needs.

[Hariku]

WOW I do have a lot of thinking. I guess the biggest thing is getting a book or literature on living with a person with a personality disorder and control issues. Begin there, work on growing myself out some. In the mean time I have gotten my fiancee to begin going to therapy/ marriage couseling about our issues with his mom and my issues with their issues. the biggest thing is that I emailed him my post to here and let him see what I am going through emotionally... and it was big blow to his noggin... his words were "so how are we going to fix this? " we have taken some small steps. we have worked out a budget, taking clases together (our church offers a support group for people who are caregivers to disabled persons) I think from you all I gather enough strength to face what ever she throws at me. From now on I store my medications in a combination lock box that I keep in a closet that I need to get to with a stool, I keep strictly polite but not kissing butt and most of all I realise this person is NOT going to make me ABANDON ship.

[GPFan]

You are taking some sensible steps here Hariku. I wish you the best of luck!