When to give up

[TrustInYourself]

Situation sounds familiar. It's interesting, for me, to look at my wife's eyes when she says she doesn't love me anymore. That total disregard and lack of emotion towards me. I also enjoy how my wife doesn't even consider my happiness as opposed to her own. It's as if my happiness is nothing.

 

Every day I go through this "giving her space to find her emotions", I feel a piece of me dying. I won't say that I'm not willing to work on it at this point, but if this continues, I won't have the will to work on anything with her. I think it's pretty sad to be honest. Especially how much we care for each other.

 

I would question yourself and think hard on what you are trying to keep together. Think back on all of the time you've spent together. Was all that worth the pain? The arguments?

 

I'm starting to think about my relationship. I'm starting to wonder whether I want to fix this. I'm starting to wonder if I should live life for myself. It's not my job to make my wife happy. It's not my job to help her feel good about our marriage. I'm not sure if I should feel responsible, even though I know my actions played a major part in her decision. I tried to take some actions to help out our marriage, in retrospect. That did not stop her from moving out.

 

It's tough. I wish you the best. If anything, keep working out and trying new things. Living life for yourself is hard at first, but if you're the one dragging all the dead weight, pretty soon you are going to really enjoy your time alone. I know I am. Thanks and good luck.

[pelicanpreacher]

OMG! You may have a "Get out of Jail" free card with her previous(current?) marriage.

 

Speak to a lawyer immediately regarding her outstanding marriage and whether you may be entitled to an annulment.

 

Since she asserts that she doesn't love you then your legal obligations should only encompas your children. She has positioned herself as an adult parasite in your home to which you have no obligations to support.

 

If the law allows it, I would tell her flat out...

 

If you don't love me then I don't need you because all I've ever needed was your love! I am not your slave so I don't owe you a roof over your head, food in your gut, clothes on your back, a phone or computer to use, or a vehicle for transportation. You are 40, fit, and able to get off your #ss and provide for YOURSELF! As far as divorce is concerned you will do that from your husband's home in Europe, your mother's house, or with the gymnist you're so horny for. Make up your mind because I am going to get a copy of the marriage certificate you still have outstanding with your former husband and have this marriage annulled for the fraud of bigamy.

 

You have played your last game with me so good luck, get packing, and GET OUT!

 

If the house is mortgaged under both of your names as husband and wife or you live in a community property state granting spousal dower I'd inform her that you will keep the home and there won't be any division of assets due to the annulment...the courts will determine what child support will be required but there will be no spousal support.

 

If bigamy can't be proven due to jurisdictional limitations then, if you were successful in getting her to move out, use the fact that she vacated the residence in an abandonment defense to secure custodial custody of the children. Keep all evidence of her online dalliances and infactuaton with the gymnastic instructor handy to show motive for her abandonment.

 

I know you still love her but taking this tough stance might give her pause on the whole "I don't love you" stance. At any rate I would still get the annulment and offer to allow here to cohabitate along as she meets your new terms for residency. This way if she flakes again she's to be ejected without any hesitation.

[Nomad1]

It is tempting, I am sure, to use the info about her bigamy against her. BUT what consequences will that have on the children? She may end up with a jail sentence! The children need their mother. I would just let her get on with her life. Your poor kids need you to make sure that her self-destructive behaviour does not have a negative impact on their lives. She sounds unstable and a risk taker! Why did she get married knowing that she was still married to another man? She could have divorced her former friend before marrying you! That in itself is a huge indication that you should consider yourself lucky that you are getting out of the relationship. She sounds immature. I recognise the traits. The best way to deal with the situation is to be cool, calm and collected. You have now entered the realm of business transactions, so get the best deal for you and your children! Her insisting on 50/50 is telling! She wants to be able to live her fantasies for half her life at least, free from any responsibilities. Let her knock herself out. Stay strong and consistent for your kids!

 

Nomad1

[SmartWoman321]

My eyes popped out when I read about the marriage to the gay guy....holy cr**! The thing that immediately came into my mind was that his current marriage isn't even valid!!!! He is not really married! Youcan't be married to someone who is already married- it doesn't count- it isn't "real"....

wow- this guy lucked out on this one- he can walk away from her free and clear (but those kids are still his and need his love and support).

Wish I would discover that my H was secretly married! That would sure speed thigns along!!! LOL!!

[Monogamous Slut]

TrustInYourself, I have been following your story and posts over the last month or so, and I completely understand the emotional rollercoaster you've been on. My wife and I get that connected feeling now and then, and then the real closeness recedes behind a wall that she puts up. At first all there was the wall she had put up, especially in the first few weeks where I went through all the rationalizations and reasonings and explanations of why we should work on our marriage. I finally felt like I had said enough. Reading posts at LS helped give the me the strength to give up trying to talk her into it and accept her decision as best I could. Thats when the wall started coming down.

 

I've been through the days of depression, the days of feeling strong and happier than ever that I am putting so much energy into myself, looking forward to whatever future lay ahead. I've been through the days where I care entirely too much about what she thinks, where I try and get into her head and then get squashed. Sometimes I'm driving and I just start crying. Part of me is dying and I have to let it die, I have to grieve over it -- something new and good needs to grow in its place.

 

I've looked at the 'magic carpet' (super-doormat) strategy threads and wondered if I could/should do that. I couldn't. My own level of 'heroics' was to be a friend to her even though she wants out. I thought I wanted to be that kind of person, and it seems like the mature, enlightened thing to do, but I just don't know if I have it in me. Let her figure things out for herself, or not. Let her live with the consequences of her choices. I am so torn on how far to go because of the children, can we still be good parents if I am n/c with her?

 

I think badbrit is right in faceplant's thread in response to woggle's wisdom:

 

'I love my wife but if she wants to leave there is the door.'

...snip...

 

That is it in the nutshell of life. We are responsible for our own happiness and not dependant on someone else. '

 

It seems like the best strategy is to just accept the loss and work on yourself. Because it wins in either outcome. Either you get your wife back for the right reasons, or you have moved on and are ready for your new life that much sooner.

 

I don't see how I could have made my wife any happier than she was willing to be with herself. I wish I could have. I know I made the wrong decisions in the past, I got depressed and felt paralyzed in life. I think now, that the better choice would have been to just move on and be happy with myself, even if that meant becoming detached from my wifeback then. If I would have taken more responsibility for my own happiness, maybe it would have inspired her to do the same. Lesson learned the hard way.

 

pelicanpreacher, I have the marriage certificate, I ordered it a month or so ago. Its pretty clear that my marriage with her is invalid, but in my state, CA, a no fault community property state btw, there is a chance she could claim putative spouse status if she can convince someone that she had a good faith, reasonable belief that our marriage was legal in CA -- that would mean she could get support and assets become quasi-community property, meaning she could get half. I don't see how she could really believe that as I told her myself that we couldn't legally get married unless she took care of it -- repeatedly as she was upset that I was waiting for so long to get married, and that was one of my pat responses. I told her to see a lawyer and thought she had, and it turns out she didn't. She doesn't know how to contact her 1st husband and I don't think she has even spoken with him since her marriage, which was one week before she left the UK for good btw. I do have a lawyer looking into it.

 

Nomad, I don't think she would go to jail, but admitedly I don't know about criminal implications. Its hard for me to go to the 'business transaction' stage. I guess thats where I am headed. I am trying to hold out as long as I can so I can tell my kids I did everything I could. I don't know how far to take it, do I want my kids living in squalor, even if its 50% of the time -- or her to live in squalor, whom I still care about? Part of me wants to wash my hands and let it be her decision to choose a worst case scenario, but isn't that too cold? Its not going to do me any good to get her back because she is too afraid of the consequences. I DO want her to WAKE up and make a real effort to work on our marriage.

 

You are right about the 50/50 thing, of course she wants free time, but in reality she needs it. It would not be a good thing for her to be a single full-time mother. I think it works best for me too, if we can't stay together.

 

 

Thanks for the responses.

[TrustInYourself]

Why even attempt to walk that road contesting the legality of the marriage. I would prepare for the situation at it's worst, a divorce after 17 years of marriage.

 

I definitely see what you are saying. I'm considering just giving it all up and telling her to go do her thing. However, it hurts to just give it up. She hasn't given up on the marriage and I'm not sure I can push towards the divorce without her making it happen. I'd like to think I could do it, but I'm just not sure anymore.

 

I've been pretty proud of how I've been handling this situation. I've broken down a few times and tried convincing her this was a wrong solution. I've lost control of myself and yelled and punched holes in the wall. I've considered NC as well. I just don't want to lose the time I have with my daughter. I want to be strong for the both of us. I'm just so torn by my emotions at times. I have to just bottle it up and it kills me.

 

I read that post by badbrit as well. I'm trying to live it. It hurts man to just say you know what, if you want to leave, get out of my life. We have kids and I still love her. I guess she will just have to shred my whole heart apart before I give up. I feel like I can't handle anymore, but actually I'm not that bad off. It's just me and her still trying to work through the way she feels and figure out if this can work.

 

I have to make that decision to divorce if I think that's right. I still don't know. I feel like I'm pushing it if I just file. I feel like I'd be walking out on my marriage. My wife may have walked out, but she left the door open to return. Should I just slam the door and lock it because I'm hurt??? Do I ignore my heart for the sake of what's rational?

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

MS-I agree with pelicanpreacher, I'd do whatever it takes to get the marriage annulled and get full custody of your kids, it sounds like she was never meant to be a mother, and might not have wholeheartedly wanted to become one.

 

TIY-Not trying to threadjack from MS, but you asked, so I say yes, slam the door and lock it. I replied in your personal thread too.