Parents unsupportive of my future marriage

[jessicakicksbut]

I recently posted on here concerning having a very small alcohol free wedding, mainly because that' what my fiance and I agreed on. I started making wedding plans, and my parents and most of my other family members just didn't seem interested or supportive. But, a couple weekends ago the engagement announcement hit the newspapers. All of the sudden, they were shocked and start asking me why I am getting married, especially my parents. They like my boyfriend, but they basically think getting married is a bad idea at this time because of "money". I'll get back to this point after a background on the money situation.

 

A little background...my fiance is a certified school teacher who was having difficulities getting a full-time teaching position when I met him and had several job substitute teaching jobs in hopes to get into a district permanently. We live in a very "political" area where school board members make sure their relatives and friends get the job, so he has been passed up serveral time already, just to find out a relative got the job. Earlier this year, he put a couple resumes out for social work positions, and landed a job as a social worker helping out in a classroom, community, or home setting. The job is much more fulfilling than subsituting, and it pays a lot better (I think in the mid 20 K region per year). Let's put it this way...he doesn't suffer month to month like he did substiuting, pays all his bills on time, and has enough left over now for savings. The only problem with his job is lack of benefits.

 

Now, my background. I am a scientist with a good income, and have a substantial savings in the bank, as well as other assets. Not to brag, I make more than the "average family income" for the area I live in...between 40-45K a year to be exact. Both my boyfriend and I are not big spenders...we are actually on the cheap side, and have very inexpensive taste. Really, material goods don't do much for us. He has a student loan as his only debt, and I only have a car payment because the interest rates are so low right now I feel it would be foolish to pay it off, versus earning interest through CD's. When we get married, since he doesn't have benefits, I am putting him on my health insurance and life insurance through work (which costs only a little additional a week). Also, I am setting up an IRA through my credit union for him so he has a little extra for retirement (we have to be married to do this).

 

Personally, I think we will do just fine, but my parents don't!! They don't think he is "stable" enough financially to marry at this time. They keep saying things like "my savings will be drained by marrying him", "that two can not live as cheap as one", and "you'll be so much better living with us for the next few years". I moved back to my parents house after living on my own for a year because I was very lonely, and they kept trying to talk me into it. They kept telling me they will charge me only half the amount of money I paid in rent so I can save more money, and that I was a fool for wanting to live out on my own...just throwing money away.

 

Deep down inside, I think that they have come to depend on the money I give them every month, and that they don't want to see that money go. Also, I think they want me to support them when they get older, and they see me getting married as a barrier to that. Financially, they are a mess. My Dad is older and in remission for cancer, so he collects social security and disability. It doesn't add up to much because when he worked, he had his own business and tried to make it seem as though he made less money, and took as many cash jobs as he could so he wouldn't have to pay much taxes. Therefore, he didn't pay into the system to get a decent SS check. Also, my Mom insists on only working "cash" jobs as bartenders to avoid taxes, so she is not paying into the system at all, and will get very little social security when she retires, if she is able to.

 

They have not really thought ahead for their future whatsoever, and I'm afraid because of the mistakes they made, they are reflecting those feelings on me, and they will expect me to "foot their bills" as they get older. In all actuality, they have no right to judge my boyfriend because of how they lived all these years. Talk about unstable...they basically cheated the government by avoiding taxes, refused to ever get health insurance for themselves or children growing up (until they found a way to get it through the government), refused to ever get life insurance so their kids will be stuck if something bad ever happens to them, tried to get as much government assitance as humanly possible (i.e. electrical assistance, heating assitance, food stamps, etc.). It just leaves such a sour taste in my mouth they are judging my boyfriend like this, when they never tried to improve their own situation. My Mom had opportunities to get better paying job with benefits for the family, but she would never take them because it would "screw up her government benefits" and she may actually have to pay taxes. Whenever they get extra money, they spend it on junk, and whether they have money or not, they go to Las Vegas at least once a year.

 

Basically what I am asking, am I wrong for thinking that my boyfriend and I can make it together? I have no idea if what we earn monitarily combined is good or not in comparison to other couples who have college degrees...but I don't care as long as I have a roof over my head, clothes, food, and a little extra so I am not confined to a living dwelling when not at work, I think that's great! Are my parents right for being concerned? For the parents out there, would you think we are financially ready based on our information? Do you think that my parents are only concerned that they are losing a few hundred dollars a month from me? This is just par for the course with them really, they are never supportive of anything I do and tell me how I am doing everything wrong in my life. I'm just never good enough for them I guess. Sorry this is so lengthy, thank you for reading :-)

[jalexy]

i am not patient this morning, so i couldnt read your post. i read the beginning of each paragraph. i wish you the best. i must say, my dad's parents were not supportive at all of their wedding, but they didnt let it get to them after so much of letting it bother them.

do what you want to do, go for it girl. your parents dont need to depend on you financially, that just doesnt make much sense.

[HokeyReligions]

I doubt if your parents major emotion or thoughts are that you won't be able to support them, but it is probably part of their concern.

 

It could also be that they know they could have done better, and wish that they had, and are disappointed in themselves and maybe feel trapped in the lifestyle they chose, and they don't want that lifestyle for you. They may even be afraid that your finacee will cause you to slide into a similar life-style and they want better for you and are honestly afraid for your future.

 

Having said that, I don't think its fair for them to stand in your way, but then life isn't always fair.

 

You could both have wonderful jobs with bright, promising futures (my husband and I were like that) and who knows what will happen in the future. One or both of you could lose your jobs, you might not be able to find something right away, you could have a major, unexpected expense that will drain your savings. That is what happened to us. A year after buying our first house, my husband lost his job (over 50% of the income) and has been disabled and unable to work since. A few months after he lost his job, I lost mine. Fortunatly, I was able to find another job right away that actually paid more than what I was making, but we have never been able to achieve the same annual income we had together. We spent out savings to pay off bills we accumulated when we moved and a lot of hospital/health care bills. We had nothing left. Except each other.

 

Your parents may be afraid of a lot of things, and it sounds like they are projecting their fears onto you.

 

I know its difficult and painful to deal with. The only suggestion I can offer is to reassure your family about your strengths and your feelings and let them know that you will always love them and have appreciated everything they have done for you and taught you and keep telling them that they are not going to lose you, the relationship just has to change. Try not to get defensive - that's not always easy sometimes, but by listening to their concerns and trying to understand them will help them know that you are not going off and being irresponsible with your life.

 

Mark Twain once said, about the Mississippi River when someone commented to him "that's a mighty lot of water out there" and he replied "yes, and your're only looking at the top of it" I've always seen human emotions and feelings that way. Everything that is expressed verbally or through actions and attitude are only the surface of feelings and fears and joys that run so much deeper. Sometimes we don't know ourselves what we are feeling and that inner turmoil cna present like anger or fear or even like confidence -- false confidence that only serves to make the person feeling it able to handle day to day life.

 

I don't know if that makes any sense - I'm not good at expressing myself in writing.

 

How is your fiancee handling all of this? I would be concerned with him because he's watching how you handle your family and he knows that once you are married, he will have to deal with and accept the attitudes and opinions of others too.

[quankanne]

jess, I think the biggest thing you've got working in your favor is that you and your groom-to-be are thinking about and talking over these things right now, before your marriage, instead of getting by the seat of your pants the way your parents had. The kind of foresight the two of you have lays the groundwork for a more successful marriage -- one of the biggest reasons why couples argue is because of money/economics -- and because you're willing to take what good things you've got from your job to ensure your future together (health insurance, retirement investments), you're setting up a good future together.

 

you're always going to have people try to be "helpful" when it comes to running your life (relatives are the worst), but remember, only what you and your husband decide counts in your marriage. you're gonna do all right, kid, so don't let your folks' nay-saying lead you to believe otherwise.

[BadMan]

I make about the same money you do and I support my wife and daughter just fine. The two of you should be able to make it no problem as long as you aren't foolish with your money. Which it seems like you are not.

[stefany2]

I feel just horrible for you two. Love is all that matters. I know it sounds down right dumb. But I have fought a loosing battle for years now.

 

I am a 25 year old 3d animator and the man I love is a 38 year old car detailer with no college degree. My parents are so against it because they feel we will need them to make it. They think that and because they have been so mean to him that he will persuade me to neglect them when they are older.

 

And they believe that since he has no college degree he makes no money. But in fact he makes enough to live comfortably. He owns the shop he details at.

 

But in all honesty...this is life you are here only for a short while. Live it in a way that you have no regrets. Besides the fact that my bf is so much older and has no degree he is of another race. And if I think of how my life would be without him I picture me with no passion and with part of myself missing. All the good things in myself he brings out.

 

If it was up to my parents I would let that slip by just for money fears.

 

It just isn't worth it in my head. I rather be poor and with him than rich and without him.

[jessicakicksbut]

Thanks for all the advice all! I'm very bothered by my family, especially my parents, but I know they look at life a different way than I do. I am just so glad I have a loving and supportive fiance who can put up with all of this!