When MM thinks he has to stay married in spite of his own needs

[Mino]

He basically just reiterated what he has said before, that he HAD to promise to go NC with me and it wasn't anything I said or did. I didn't respond to that.

 

It was supposed to be NC from June but it was (very) LC for a few months due to circumstances that required contact and then total NC since September.

 

I can't imagine having to work with someone in this situation - one reason I won't start a workplace relationship ever, even with a SG.

Do you think he haqs moved on, and just didnt tell you?

[Mino]

He basically just reiterated what he has said before, that he HAD to promise to go NC with me and it wasn't anything I said or did. I didn't respond to that.

 

It was supposed to be NC from June but it was (very) LC for a few months due to circumstances that required contact and then total NC since September.

 

I can't imagine having to work with someone in this situation - one reason I won't start a workplace relationship ever, even with a SG.

So you think he has just moved on, and didnt tell you?

[Mino]

Its been wierd at work, he still comes to my office, talks about work, im me yesterday, but i did not respond. Today he leaves early, was friendly all day... but he does not look like he is in pain... I feel like s**t. I dont get it?

[Lookingforward]

So you think he has just moved on, and didnt tell you?

 

possibly, but I doubt it. For one thing it's too soon for his W to have let down her guard so to speak - I'm guessing she is still on the look out for 'signs' he is talking to anyone else just yet.

 

plus from his past history it takes him quite a while to work up to the miserable enough to do anything about it stage.

[Lookingforward]

Its been wierd at work, he still comes to my office, talks about work, im me yesterday, but i did not respond. Today he leaves early, was friendly all day... but he does not look like he is in pain... I feel like s**t. I dont get it?

 

he's either a good actor or he's not in pain

 

you have to make that call as you know him

[Mino]

possibly, but I doubt it. For one thing it's too soon for his W to have let down her guard so to speak - I'm guessing she is still on the look out for 'signs' he is talking to anyone else just yet.

 

plus from his past history it takes him quite a while to work up to the miserable enough to do anything about it stage.

You say you been in nc since Sept? thats 8 months... What makes you think he is still interested if you been in nc that long? I am just wondering, thinking that time heals, 8 months is a long time. When i read that others have been in NC for 3-4 months I think to myself op already moved on,

[Mino]

he's either a good actor or he's not in pain

 

you have to make that call as you know him

I know he can be a very good actor. He has done this in the past. But my feelings go all crazy in nc, I am pacing the floor tonight, tears, I just have all stupid thoughts, stupid negative voices in my head... I hate these feelings...

[Lookingforward]

You say you been in nc since Sept? thats 8 months... What makes you think he is still interested if you been in nc that long? I am just wondering, thinking that time heals, 8 months is a long time. When i read that others have been in NC for 3-4 months I think to myself op already moved on,

 

because the initial NC was for him to "work on his M" - I had/have no idea whether he is still interested in me or not, it was just the thought that he knew I was hanging out here 'just in case' that started to rankle after I read these posts.

 

Now he knows I'm not, so if he was using that as a 'safety net' it's gone.

[Lookingforward]

I know he can be a very good actor. He has done this in the past. But my feelings go all crazy in nc, I am pacing the floor tonight, tears, I just have all stupid thoughts, stupid negative voices in my head... I hate these feelings...

 

 

yes I know all about the nc conversations with yourself played over and over.....you have to find something that will occupy your attention away from that - even posting here and hearing other people respond is better than the conversations to self

[OWoman]

one reason I won't start a workplace relationship ever, even with a SG.

 

Workplace Rs with SGs are just opening the door to stalkers anonymous

[OWoman]

because the initial NC was for him to "work on his M"

 

I wonder how many MMs would be so keen to "work on their Ms" if they knew their Plan B was going to evaporate in the process?

[White Flower]

I wonder how many MMs would be so keen to "work on their Ms" if they knew their Plan B was going to evaporate in the process?

This is what frannie was talking about. I wish I could post a link because she made so much sense.

 

LF, do you ever regret moving close by and waiting? PM me if you like.

[OWoman]

This is what frannie was talking about. I wish I could post a link because she made so much sense.

 

Yes, that was a great post!

 

I think many MMs want to do "the right thing" but they don't trust themselves to know what "the right thing" is so want to keep options open. And when they start shutting down...

[White Flower]

Yes, that was a great post!

 

I think many MMs want to do "the right thing" but they don't trust themselves to know what "the right thing" is so want to keep options open. And when they start shutting down...

They allow all three parties plus the kids to lose out.

[OWoman]

They allow all three parties plus the kids to lose out.

 

I think it's this Protestant ethic - people believe that if they are happy, they are going to hell.

[Lookingforward]

I wonder how many MMs would be so keen to "work on their Ms" if they knew their Plan B was going to evaporate in the process?

 

I'm not sure mine was the Plan B type - I think all he ever has is Plan A - then if that doesn't work he goes to another Plan A lol

 

It's possible once the kids are grown and gone he may try to contact me, or he will move onto someone else outside the M - heck, he may even move on to have As now he's had a taste of "outside life".

 

The last time we spoke in person he said "I don't know how things are going to be for ME, but I have to be there for my kids", which makes me think it's more returning to the status quo than "working" on anything much less their M.

[OWoman]

The last time we spoke in person he said "I don't know how things are going to be for ME, but I have to be there for my kids"

 

 

Yeah right. How "there for the kids" can anyone be when their soul is in purgatory, even if their body is physically present?

[Lookingforward]

Yeah right. How "there for the kids" can anyone be when their soul is in purgatory, even if their body is physically present?

 

Plus he was talking materially, he doesn't see that what he's giving his kids is a dsyfunctional R model.

 

I'm sure his kids would be better served by seeing their father happy with someone that truly loved him for who he is rather than what he can provide, but that's just my perspective of course.

 

I honestly don't think he's happy since he's been back. Happy to be there with his kids maybe, but not in himself.

[OWoman]

I honestly don't think he's happy since he's been back. Happy to be there with his kids maybe, but not in himself.

 

Like he couldn't be happy with his kids on his own, without his W around? Like any normal separated father?

[Lookingforward]

Like he couldn't be happy with his kids on his own, without his W around? Like any normal separated father?

 

I know, I know, men do it all the time. Only time will tell if it WAS the "right thing" or not.

 

I think he found things a little different anyway as he went from being a work at home dad to being a commuting dad, and I think that was part of it too, realising there wouldn't be a LOT of time to be with his kids anyway once he started the new job and to spend time every day with them would mean not much time for us together.

 

Don't know what was going through his head really as I never got a chance to discuss it with him, his leaving was presented as a "done deal", guess he spoke to her about it.

[Lookingforward]

This is what frannie was talking about. I wish I could post a link because she made so much sense.

 

LF, do you ever regret moving close by and waiting? PM me if you like.

 

I'm not sure if I regret it or not strangely enough. I DO regret wasting a year of my life being devestated by losing him from my life.

 

On reflection, no, I don't regret moving there to be with him even for such a short time. I do regret not knowing what was going on in the background with the W so I could have done something to counteract her influence if you like.

 

At the time he left I had to cope with so many levels of distress. Shock and distress at losing him and the way it was done, coping with being totally alone in a city I didn't know and where he was the only person I knew, no money and trying to interview and find a job while I was bawling my eyes out every 5 minutes.

 

I didn't have much luck in the job market there, only temp jobs and at much lower pay, so eventually when the lease on his apartment was up (he had to pay the rent as he was legally obligated - bet the W didn't like THAT much), I managed to scrape together enough funds from friends and family to make it back "home".

 

The funny thign is, I attempted to put off the move down there for a few more weeks but he cried and begged and said he "needed me there".

 

Ah well.

[White Flower]

I'm not sure if I regret it or not strangely enough. I DO regret wasting a year of my life being devestated by losing him from my life.

 

On reflection, no, I don't regret moving there to be with him even for such a short time. I do regret not knowing what was going on in the background with the W so I could have done something to counteract her influence if you like.

 

At the time he left I had to cope with so many levels of distress. Shock and distress at losing him and the way it was done, coping with being totally alone in a city I didn't know and where he was the only person I knew, no money and trying to interview and find a job while I was bawling my eyes out every 5 minutes.

 

I didn't have much luck in the job market there, only temp jobs and at much lower pay, so eventually when the lease on his apartment was up (he had to pay the rent as he was legally obligated - bet the W didn't like THAT much), I managed to scrape together enough funds from friends and family to make it back "home".

 

The funny thign is, I attempted to put off the move down there for a few more weeks but he cried and begged and said he "needed me there".

 

Ah well.

What city did U leave and what city did U come back from?

[Lookingforward]

What city did U leave and what city did U come back from?

 

Spokane to Tulsa - 1,750 or so miles apart........and the trip back alone was the hardest roadtrip I've ever made. The trip down I had someone waiting for me (who was texting me all the way down I might add lol), going back I didn't know WHAT I was going back to......

[GPFan]

Spokane to Tulsa - 1,750 or so miles apart........and the trip back alone was the hardest roadtrip I've ever made. The trip down I had someone waiting for me (who was texting me all the way down I might add lol), going back I didn't know WHAT I was going back to......

What strength you possess.

 

I bet it would be an enthralling short story written out. Perhaps you could write an ending where the returning woman, infinitely wiser, begins a fun journey into the next phase of her fabulous life.

 

I would enjoy reading something like that in a magazine.

[Lookingforward]

..............................................