Here's a Doozie for ya...

[kellykellykelly]

Long story short... or long.

 

After a year and a half, and after many heart-breaks and break-ups with MM, he left her. He moved into a temporary place where you pay weekly. The first few weeks were great, somewhat like a "normal" relationship. His children were really having a hard time with him moving out. He started spending almost all of his free time with the kids and days would go by where we wouldn't see each other. (He also works 60 hours a week) He was ridden with guilt and guilt trips. He became very depressed, not eating, sleeping, withdrawn, lost a bunch of weight. I tried to be understanding as I have been divorced myself and know first hand that emotional roller coaster and what the kids go through. I tried to stick with him through this but he became very depressed and distant. I tried giving him his space, but felt very alone and not sure where we were heading. Finally I told him how I felt and that I love him, but I'm so unhappy and that when he is able to have time to have a relationship with me I hope he calls.

 

After a week of NC, I was starting to feel strong again, and I ran into him.

We started talking over the next few days. He told me that every time he leaves his 5 yr old son, that he chases him down the street on his bike, crying. Then he (MM) goes back to his room and is alone (because I haven't been seeing him) and his little boy is heartbroken. I told him that he could move into my house, I have an extra bedroom... he can bring the kids over here, spend the night or day, movies, ride bikes, etc. (he was mainly just visiting them at their house before) and that I would take the pictures down of us together and not even meet them for awhile until they were comfortable........ Sounds like a good plan to me. He kept crying and saying "why didn't you tell me this before?" Well, the day I told him my idea, was his son's b-day. That morning when his son called him, MM told his son that he was moving home to live in the basement. So, he already told him. And even though he wants to live with me, he already told his son. So, he moved back, but says he's gonna figure out a way to leave again and he wishes I would have told him before. He is living in the basement, his W hates him (she knows about me) she doesn't want to work it out, neither does he. He doesn't know what to do, and neither do I. I know I can't go back to the way things were, and the fact is he is still M and just moved back in with her. I told him that if he uses the same refrigerator, garage, toilet and bank account..... your still with her. If your with her your not with me. I feel like he deserted me. I am so hurt. He promises that he is going to figure this out and move out again he wants me to stay with him. He says the tension between him and her is so bad, he doesn't know if he can even stay there. But if it was so hard before with his kids, how is he gonna have the balls to do it again? What do I do??????????? So confused and exhausted from this all. I can't even think straight.

[torranceshipman]

'He is living in the basement, his W hates him (she knows about me) she doesn't want to work it out, neither does he'

 

PLEASE somebody else point out what a huge crock this is!!!

 

Sweetie, he is lying to you...and besides that, he had his chance to be with you when he 'left' the 1st time, and he didn't want to...he then rejected your offer of the spare room (even when you offered to take down all the photos of you and him!!) - now he's back home. He's not serious about you, he's lying to you, and he's hurting you over and over. There is nothing good in this situation for you.

 

This is a very unhealthy situation full of lies and I would go back NC immediately and never break it!!!

[kellykellykelly]

I know you are right. I know in my head what I should do. It's just so hard to imagine never seeing him again. He's very convincing. Sometimes I don't believe that he is lying because he is so sincere and I do know that he loves me. Then I think that I have stuck it out this long, what's another month to see what happens. Since he "moved back into the basement" he has hardly even been there. How could someone that I love and loves me really be lying to me that much? Why would he keep putting himself in this f'd up situation over and over again? Why does he keep our relationship going? Why doesn't he just let me go if he really did want to fix his M?

[OWoman]

If the issue really was the kids, he'd move somewhere where they could stay with him half time and with their mother half time. Yes, the kids would miss him when they're with their mother, and miss their mother when they're with him, initially, but they'd get used to it.

 

Seems his issues are with HIM, not with them.

[kellykellykelly]

yeah, the place he was living wasn't suitable to bring kids. It was a one room place and after living there a few weeks noticed some bad activities going on there by other residents. Plus, between kids and W and his huge guilt, it seems like he goes and does whatever they tell him. There is no schedule, everything is on a whim.

[frannie]

Are you still offering him that he can stay with you if he leaves?

 

I don't know, there are two things here... MM saying he feels lonely on his own, and his son missing him. Now, which is it? It's all too emotional and high tension. He needs to deal with this sanely, get somewhere where he can see the kids, and start rebuilding his life slowly with you. It sounds like he leapt out too fast and didn't give it all enough thought beforehand.

 

If I were you I'd step back until he has it sorted in his mind. If he's left once he can leave again. Now he knows what he has to deal with, he can be better prepared next time..? There's no need for you to provide more support than you can deal with easily. These are NOT your problems. He needs time to work through what he's going to do. Meantime, you look after yourself.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm sorry, but I would have a problem with my Mr. Messy taking my kids(if they were that young)to the ow house. That would be out of the question. And I would have it stated in the custody agreement. As for the MM in your situation, his story stinks to high heaven.

[torranceshipman]

I think that he just lies and lies and doesnt have a conscience about it...he sounds like one of these people that thinks its fair enough to lie about anything as long as it means they get what they want.

 

I am sure he is pulling out the charming words, the 'i love you's', the manipulation and everything else to en extremely high level (but he doesnt mean any of it of course) - hence the way it pulls you back in so much and gives you so much false hope. This is EXACTLY why you need to cut him off and not listen to any of the BS anymore.

 

It's really cruel of him...but remember he is messed up, he has serious issues-don't make them become your issues...best thing is to just cut him off 100% NC and really stay away from him!

[nextel]

How about just taking a step back and letting him figure things out on his own?

 

I am of the opinion that (I stand to be corrected), a man does not respect a woman that sorts out his problems. He will eventually start to resent her for solving them for him. Most men want to feel that they are in control of their own issues. Sure we as women can through hints around to sort of guide them, but ultimately, they have to feel as though they resolved their situation on their own.

[kellykellykelly]

I agree with you and Franie. I realize that I can't make his decision for him. Even if I could or did, then it would all be on me..... whenever something went wrong. Also, I understand that a mother wouldn't want her kids at the OW house. I really care about him and he is in a bad spot, I offered to help him out with a place to stay. I'm really not mad or offended that he did not take me up on it. That's a very personal decision. I know others may think he is a jerk, and sometimes I think he is too, but I'm a jerk too I guess and I know this situation is repulsive to some people. It makes me sick at times. But when your in the middle of it, its very hard and confusing. I am not comfortable shunning him away, getting mad at him, thinking about all bad stuff, but staying away and giving him his space....... that I can handle. For the past couple of months I have been doing more stuff with friends and family and keeping busy... trying to have a life without him, not being at his beckoned call, or available all the time.

[Lucky_One]

"He is living in the basement, his W hates him (she knows about me) she doesn't want to work it out, neither does he."

 

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

 

Women who hate their husbands and don't want to work the marriage out don't let them move back in.

[OWoman]

"He is living in the basement, his W hates him (she knows about me) she doesn't want to work it out, neither does he."

 

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

 

Women who hate their husbands and don't want to work the marriage out don't let them move back in.

 

Funny. I distinctly remember reading threads on the Infidelity forum by BWs who did just that. :rolleyes:

[OWoman]

IAlso, I understand that a mother wouldn't want her kids at the OW house.

 

I think that has more to do with her being a W than being a mother. Mothers are just concerned that their kids are safe and happy, and want the best for them. It's in the role of W that the woman's jealousy and resentment will intrude on who she wants her kids around - assuming of course that the OW is a normal respectable person, who she'd otherwise be fine around if she wasn't involved with her H. (If the OW sells drugs to underage kids or is involved in human trafficking, clearly that's different...)

[OWoman]

I'm sorry, but I would have a problem with my Mr. Messy taking my kids(if they were that young)to the ow house. That would be out of the question. And I would have it stated in the custody agreement.

 

 

Bent - in your situation, they'd have had to visit her in the loony bin...

[GPFan]

He needs to deal with this sanely, get somewhere where he can see the kids, and start rebuilding his life slowly with you. It sounds like he leapt out too fast and didn't give it all enough thought beforehand.

I agree. The situation was haphazard and chaotic. Divorce with children shouldn't, ideally, be done without intense planning and foresight and maybe even therapy.

 

Let him settle, reevaluate and come up with a more sensible plan.

[pelicanpreacher]

I have to cast some suspicion on his true intentions when he "moved out". Of course, I don't know his financial situation, but, with the hours he's working, I can assume that he's pulling in a decent paycheck. What I find odd is that he didn't find and secure a 1 year, 6 month, or even a month to month lease. Instead, he opted for a furnished 1 week apartment in a seedy neighborhood. His lack of intent would only be more obvious if he found someplace that rented by the hour! It doesn't look like he stretched too far out on the limb to truly separate from his wife and begin a new life on his own does it?!

 

I think that all he's shown you are "props" in an attempt to sell and mislead you on his intentions toward you. The choice of the weekly apartment in a seedy area sold you on the fact that his living arrangements weren't conducive for children to visit. His coupe de gras was pulling your heartstrings after you spoke of your feelings of unhappiness by telling you about his son riding down the street after him as he drove off in the distance (how Hollywood can you get) to sell you on why he needs to return home. Of course, the nail in the coffin was that your offer to allow him to move in with you came "too late" because of a promise he made to his son...after all, a promise is a promise...except when made to you! Every move you made or feeling you've expressed he's been able to trump.

 

Now he's got you just where he wants you (faithfully waiting without complaint) while positioning himself exactly where he wants to be (in the bosom of his own home) without further worry or pressure from you to leave again. This guy's missed his calling in life if he doesn't have a career in sales because he's a "Tin Man" from top to bottom.

 

Some may say he didn't plan his attempt to move out on his own very well, but I think he put more thought and effort into pulling off this charade then you might might well be comfortable with or even dare to imagine.

 

Just another perspective to consider.

 

Good luck.

[kellykellykelly]

"He is living in the basement, his W hates him (she knows about me) she doesn't want to work it out, neither does he."

 

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

 

Women who hate their husbands and don't want to work the marriage out don't let them move back in.

 

They do when the wife has NEVER worked outside of the house. She is totally dependent on him. She really doesn't have a choice in their case. He pays for the house, bills, food, clothes, everything. That is actually part of their rant, at times over the years he has worked 3 jobs to make ends meet and she refused to get a job.... went shopping a lot instead.

[neverendingsaga]

I think that he just lies and lies and doesnt have a conscience about it...he sounds like one of these people that thinks its fair enough to lie about anything as long as it means they get what they want.

 

I am sure he is pulling out the charming words, the 'i love you's', the manipulation and everything else to en extremely high level (but he doesnt mean any of it of course) - hence the way it pulls you back in so much and gives you so much false hope. This is EXACTLY why you need to cut him off and not listen to any of the BS anymore.

 

It's really cruel of him...but remember he is messed up, he has serious issues-don't make them become your issues...best thing is to just cut him off 100% NC and really stay away from him!

 

i agree w/ this!! maybe B/C that is exactly what my XMM was doing. i knew that if he was saying all the right things to get me to stay w/ him even after lying to me in the past & moving back in w/ his wife (like your MM he claims to be living separatly... in a diff. room... but i doubt that), then he had to be saying all the right things to HER to keep living there even after having moved out & acting shady etc.

 

these men are not worth our time. i mean seriously. when i read your post my heart breaks for you & for me B/C im like, WHY do we waste our time w/ these selfish liars. we give them everything & they give us... half-truths at best, moving back in w/ the wives they say they want to D, confused behavior... arghghghgh!!

 

i know there are good men out there, this doesnt sound like one of them & neither was my XMM. but i know that feeling of still loving him anyway & still having some hope that it will somehow work out. i am trying to move away from that feeling & i hope you can too. i think you deserve better than loving a man who lives in his wifes basement if thats even the truth. HUGS kelly.

[neverendingsaga]

They do when the wife has NEVER worked outside of the house. She is totally dependent on him. She really doesn't have a choice in their case. He pays for the house, bills, food, clothes, everything. That is actually part of their rant, at times over the years he has worked 3 jobs to make ends meet and she refused to get a job.... went shopping a lot instead.

 

ok sorry but this is really offensive to me, my mom has been a homemaker her whole life & she is an equal partner, NOT totally 'dependent' on my dad. if he ever used the fact that she raised us & took care of the house & family as an excuse to cheat on her w/ another woman i would be LIVID. your XMM sounds like a scumbag if he is claiming his W is 'dependent' on him b/c she doesnt work outside the house... if thats true & he really feels that way then he should leave to be w/ you who works, not stay there in the basement while she continues to care for there kids. thats all im going to say B/C i dont want to be mean, & i understand beleiving whatever a MM says B/C/ i did for way to long. but i think its unfair for him (& you) to cast his W in such a light when she is the one staying home & taking care of there children. IMO that is just as important as making money.

[kellykellykelly]

Well, he moved out abruptly. I told him I couldn't deal w this anymore. (he kept promising me he was gonna move out) So, I broke up w him. After 5 days of NC, he called me to let me know he was moving out that day into a temporary place (because he hadn't planned anything) and then was going to find a permanent place. Also, the neighborhood isn't seedy and the place is actually really clean, but it's right off the main highway so you get all types in there.

 

You are right, he has been able to "trump" me every time. Your also right about him being in sales. #1 every month. OMG!

 

I have given him 'outs' before. I want to know WHY he doesn't take them. Why won't he just let me go? Why does he stay in this mess? Why does he keep coming back to me?

[neverendingsaga]

Well, he moved out abruptly. I told him I couldn't deal w this anymore. (he kept promising me he was gonna move out) So, I broke up w him. After 5 days of NC, he called me to let me know he was moving out that day into a temporary place (because he hadn't planned anything) and then was going to find a permanent place. Also, the neighborhood isn't seedy and the place is actually really clean, but it's right off the main highway so you get all types in there.

 

You are right, he has been able to "trump" me every time. Your also right about him being in sales. #1 every month. OMG!

 

I have given him 'outs' before. I want to know WHY he doesn't take them. Why won't he just let me go? Why does he stay in this mess? Why does he keep coming back to me?

 

geez our stories are so (sadly) similar. my XMM moved out but not all the way. temporary place. but *I* broke it off w/ him B/C i was so sick of his stalling the D. it became obvious to me that like pelican (who is very smart BTW!!) pointed out, his motivation was not to get D'ed but to test the waters or make me THINK he was getting D'ed or keep ties w/ his W & be able to see me every day, or SOMETHING, other than getting D'ed.

 

after i broke off the A he went back home!! saying he is jsut living in a spare bedroom for convenence sake etc. whatever. stupid me let him resume the A w/ me for awhile... that was just the lowest of the low on my part, i mean HELLO, he obviously made his choice but i kept hanging on.

 

i gave him outs too, but all that really worked was ME going completely NC. i think the problem is that MMs want to hold on to the A while still being M'ed... they dont have the motivation to end the best of both worlds. only WE have the power to take there side cake away from them ya know. its sad but true, they are selfish & will try to keep eating it as long as we let them.

[kellykellykelly]

"He is living in the basement, his W hates him (she knows about me) she doesn't want to work it out, neither does he."

 

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

 

Women who hate their husbands and don't want to work the marriage out don't let them move back in.

 

ok sorry but this is really offensive to me, my mom has been a homemaker her whole life & she is an equal partner, NOT totally 'dependent' on my dad. if he ever used the fact that she raised us & took care of the house & family as an excuse to cheat on her w/ another woman i would be LIVID. your XMM sounds like a scumbag if he is claiming his W is 'dependent' on him b/c she doesnt work outside the house... if thats true & he really feels that way then he should leave to be w/ you who works, not stay there in the basement while she continues to care for there kids. thats all im going to say B/C i dont want to be mean, & i understand beleiving whatever a MM says B/C/ i did for way to long. but i think its unfair for him (& you) to cast his W in such a light when she is the one staying home & taking care of there children. IMO that is just as important as making money.

 

 

I agree with what your saying here... totally. I have three children of my own that I have raised, plus working full time. I have the utmost respect for stay at home moms. I don't have any negative feelings for her. For all I know that was their aggreement 15 years ago.

[kellykellykelly]

geez our stories are so (sadly) similar. my XMM moved out but not all the way. temporary place. but *I* broke it off w/ him B/C i was so sick of his stalling the D. it became obvious to me that like pelican (who is very smart BTW!!) pointed out, his motivation was not to get D'ed but to test the waters or make me THINK he was getting D'ed or keep ties w/ his W & be able to see me every day, or SOMETHING, other than getting D'ed.

 

after i broke off the A he went back home!! saying he is jsut living in a spare bedroom for convenence sake etc. whatever. stupid me let him resume the A w/ me for awhile... that was just the lowest of the low on my part, i mean HELLO, he obviously made his choice but i kept hanging on.

 

i gave him outs too, but all that really worked was ME going completely NC. i think the problem is that MMs want to hold on to the A while still being M'ed... they dont have the motivation to end the best of both worlds. only WE have the power to take there side cake away from them ya know. its sad but true, they are selfish & will try to keep eating it as long as we let them.

 

 

He moved back 5 days ago. I told him that I can't go back to living that way. He said he wouldn't expect me to. I've been keeping myself busy with other things and it's driving him crazy. I have seen him a couple of times though. I have made SO MANY pronouncements to him in the past that it's like beating a dead horse, so now I don't want to make another one, because he knows it doesn't mean anything. I have been so strong in other areas of my life, but totally letting go of him...... I just can't seem to do it. I notice that I feel better when I'm away from him for a few days and every day I feel better, but then he shows up or I take his call, when I know better. I guess I'm hoping he is gonna give me some good news.

[neverendingsaga]

He moved back 5 days ago. I told him that I can't go back to living that way. He said he wouldn't expect me to. I've been keeping myself busy with other things and it's driving him crazy. I have seen him a couple of times though. I have made SO MANY pronouncements to him in the past that it's like beating a dead horse, so now I don't want to make another one, because he knows it doesn't mean anything. I have been so strong in other areas of my life, but totally letting go of him...... I just can't seem to do it. I notice that I feel better when I'm away from him for a few days and every day I feel better, but then he shows up or I take his call, when I know better. I guess I'm hoping he is gonna give me some good news.

 

i totally understand what you mean. i am the same way. correction: i WAS the same way. something in me just snapped. i cannot take this anymore. i must be strong & love myself B/C he is *NOT* loving me.

 

you can do it too. i promise. we can do it together. he is not worth it honey. the more you say it you just might start to believe it.

[neverendingsaga]

I agree with what your saying here... totally. I have three children of my own that I have raised, plus working full time. I have the utmost respect for stay at home moms. I don't have any negative feelings for her. For all I know that was their aggreement 15 years ago.

 

ok then dont let him warp your views. you know that a stay at home mom is not totally 'dependent' on her husband- they are each dependent on each other for the good of there family. dont let him convince you otherwise just B/C hes trying to downplay his wrongdoing.

 

(HUGS)