Here's a Doozie for ya...

[neverendingsaga]

I understand what your going through, I been there too. Twice. First off, I dont think he is playing you.. I do think he wants to be with you. He would not have made the attempt to leave. But their is a thing called guilt, when children are involved. I cant imagine the pain of walking out on your children. Especially at that age, when they know whats going on. Money seems like its a problem too. There are no cheap apartment in nice areas, and him having to continue keeping the main home front going, plus a second one is tough, especially if the wife is not bringing home an income. The problem I see , was there was no plan. he moved out to quickly without thinking about all the small stuff. Emotionally he was also not ready. I suggest you suggest to him getting into IC, to deal with his guilt. Maybe he and his wife should go to mc also to figure out what to do next. Go NC , stay out while he figures out his head, and marriage, and if he does move out again, he needs a plan, seeing the kids at your house, would not be an option, since wife will not agree to this. Bt give him some credit,I dont think he is lying, but being honest with you how he feels, Its not as black and white as some people put it on this board,

 

i see this viewpoint but IMO your guy kelly has had time enough to figure out a plan. so far his plan is just, hes confused & he doesnt know what he really wants to do, or he would be doing it. (mine is the same way & im sick of being there while he does nothing but waver). so let him figure out his plan on his own, dont suggest things for him to do, hes not a little boy needing his mama's help to get D'ed (even though hes acting like one... you dont want that right? i dont!). let him be a big man & decide things on his own, while you get on w/ your life and being happy on your own. B/C to stay involved w/ him during his confusion & inaction is just to bring more pain on yourself IMO. at least thats where im at... every time i talk to him, i feel hurt b/c im screaming inside 'WHY havent you done anything yet.' so ive decided not to talk to him unless he does something --all on his own-- B/C thats the only kind of man i want to be with. i feel like your in the same place as me but maybe im wrong. do whats best for you of course. i like your post that sets out what you want/ need from him. remember that and to focus on you & not give in & think about him UNLESS hes ready to give you what you need. (hugs)

[neverendingsaga]

Its not as black and white as some people put it on this board,

 

to me thats the problem, its not black and white for MM, its muddled & gray. i feel like if mine wanted to be w/ me, he would be w/ me. if not, not. (black & white). and if kellys wanted to be with her, he would be. and yours too mino. instead they are unsure, they are in the gray UNLESS they are in the black & white (with or w/out us based on there own decisions & actions, NOT us forcing them one way or the other by NC or telling there Ws etc). well i dont think any of us should settle for being in the gray. we all deserve men who arent too conflicted about whatever to be w/ us. of course thats just what i think though ya know.

[Mino]

i see this viewpoint but IMO your guy kelly has had time enough to figure out a plan. so far his plan is just, hes confused & he doesnt know what he really wants to do, or he would be doing it. (mine is the same way & im sick of being there while he does nothing but waver). so let him figure out his plan on his own, dont suggest things for him to do, hes not a little boy needing his mama's help to get D'ed (even though hes acting like one... you dont want that right? i dont!). let him be a big man & decide things on his own, while you get on w/ your life and being happy on your own. B/C to stay involved w/ him during his confusion & inaction is just to bring more pain on yourself IMO. at least thats where im at... every time i talk to him, i feel hurt b/c im screaming inside 'WHY havent you done anything yet.' so ive decided not to talk to him unless he does something --all on his own-- B/C thats the only kind of man i want to be with. i feel like your in the same place as me but maybe im wrong. do whats best for you of course. i like your post that sets out what you want/ need from him. remember that and to focus on you & not give in & think about him UNLESS hes ready to give you what you need. (hugs)

It has nothing to do with treating him like a little boy.... I would advise my best friend with that advice, and my other friends, as well:). If he also your best friend, you should not be afraid to point him in a direction. He is the one who has to do the "walk" I agree, with NC during this time, and focusing in on your life. But people are not machines, so have a little compassion, neverendingsaga. I think it took courage for him to make the move. He failed, ok, for many reasons we know, but if he really loves you, he will try again, this time more prepared on what to expect emotionally, and hopefully more prepared financially. Just because of this failure does not mean he wont succeed eventually.. Sometimes you need tools and prepartion to achive this goal. Did you get on your bike and learn the first time you tried? How many times did you fall before you had it down? Think a little positive here. Everyone seems so negative.

[Mino]

to me thats the problem, its not black and white for MM, its muddled & gray. i feel like if mine wanted to be w/ me, he would be w/ me. if not, not. (black & white). and if kellys wanted to be with her, he would be. and yours too mino. instead they are unsure, they are in the gray UNLESS they are in the black & white (with or w/out us based on there own decisions & actions, NOT us forcing them one way or the other by NC or telling there Ws etc). well i dont think any of us should settle for being in the gray. we all deserve men who arent too conflicted about whatever to be w/ us. of course thats just what i think though ya know.

But you see, it is grey!! Its not as simple as we would want this to be People are complex, many different feelings are involved. Believe me, I use to be pretty black and white myself, today, I know life is not like that, there are also shades of grey.

[Mino]

to me thats the problem, its not black and white for MM, its muddled & gray. i feel like if mine wanted to be w/ me, he would be w/ me. if not, not. (black & white). and if kellys wanted to be with her, he would be. and yours too mino. instead they are unsure, they are in the gray UNLESS they are in the black & white (with or w/out us based on there own decisions & actions, NOT us forcing them one way or the other by NC or telling there Ws etc). well i dont think any of us should settle for being in the gray. we all deserve men who arent too conflicted about whatever to be w/ us. of course thats just what i think though ya know.

i dont know if I would call it so much "unsure, I think its more a combo of guilt and fear....

[bentnotbroken]

But do you feel the same way about your wife, given she cheated on you? Or do you feel she's an otherwise 'normal, respectable person'?

 

Any BS whose partner has left has the problem that their children are going to be spending time with someone who cheated on their partner: their ex.

 

But I'm not saying your thought processes aren't correct about part of what the BS might be thinking with regard to who you want your children to spend time with. I do believe a huge part of it is jealousy, however, and nothing to do with the possible 'morals' of anyone. As I say, their father (or mother) has cheated themselves, and its unavoidable that they will spend time with their own child.

 

 

But the cheating parent and child share blood, the op doesn't. And from my point of view a bs is damned it they let children spend time with the op(I too would be wondering what the ow would be saying about me and what she may or may not being doing in my children presense if she was willing to cheat with their father. I would also wonder if she could put their best interest in front of her own, since she had not done it up to that point.)And if we chose not to allow our children to have a relationship with the op, then we are manipulating them and using them as pawns. Can't win either way.

[bentnotbroken]

I understand what your going through, I been there too. Twice. First off, I dont think he is playing you.. I do think he wants to be with you. He would not have made the attempt to leave. But their is a thing called guilt, when children are involved. I cant imagine the pain of walking out on your children. Especially at that age, when they know whats going on. Money seems like its a problem too. There are no cheap apartment in nice areas, and him having to continue keeping the main home front going, plus a second one is tough, especially if the wife is not bringing home an income. The problem I see , was there was no plan. he moved out to quickly without thinking about all the small stuff. Emotionally he was also not ready. I suggest you suggest to him getting into IC, to deal with his guilt. Maybe he and his wife should go to mc also to figure out what to do next. Go NC , stay out while he figures out his head, and marriage, and if he does move out again, he needs a plan, seeing the kids at your house, would not be an option, since wife will not agree to this. Bt give him some credit,I dont think he is lying, but being honest with you how he feels, Its not as black and white as some people put it on this board,

 

 

Sure it is. His penis wants to play outside it's current residence. He doesn't fill crap for his W, OW or kids. NO real man would have put the people he claims to love in that position. It's all about staying in a comfort zone.

[bentnotbroken]

i dont know if I would call it so much "unsure, I think its more a combo of guilt and fear....

 

 

And lack of values, balls or backbone. The combination of a true cake eater.

[neverendingsaga]

i dont know if I would call it so much "unsure, I think its more a combo of guilt and fear....

 

i guess its all semantics but to me if guilt and fear make him unsure, then hes not the guy for me. i want him to be SURE he wants me no matter what guilt & fear he has to overcome to be w/ me. thats just me, im sick of basing my life around his guilt & fear, & having my own guilt & fear b/c of his lack of movement. im moving on since he hasnt moved enough towards me.

[neverendingsaga]

Sure it is. His penis wants to play outside it's current residence. He doesn't fill crap for his W, OW or kids. NO real man would have put the people he claims to love in that position. It's all about staying in a comfort zone.

 

i agree that if he unselfishly loved his W he wouldnt cheat on her. if he unselfishly loved me he wouldnt stay M'ed & keep me a secret. so i guess the only option is he feels some kind of love (obligation/ guilt/ fear?) for his wife & some kind of love (high feelings, ego stroke, etc.) for me. but mainly he loves HIMSELF or he would do the right thing by one of us b/c he cant have us both. so im not letting him have us both even though by his actions thats all he was showing he wanted to do.

[kellykellykelly]

i see this viewpoint but IMO your guy kelly has had time enough to figure out a plan. so far his plan is just, hes confused & he doesnt know what he really wants to do, or he would be doing it. (mine is the same way & im sick of being there while he does nothing but waver). so let him figure out his plan on his own, dont suggest things for him to do, hes not a little boy needing his mama's help to get D'ed (even though hes acting like one... you dont want that right? i dont!). let him be a big man & decide things on his own, while you get on w/ your life and being happy on your own. B/C to stay involved w/ him during his confusion & inaction is just to bring more pain on yourself IMO. at least thats where im at... every time i talk to him, i feel hurt b/c im screaming inside 'WHY havent you done anything yet.' so ive decided not to talk to him unless he does something --all on his own-- B/C thats the only kind of man i want to be with. i feel like your in the same place as me but maybe im wrong. do whats best for you of course. i like your post that sets out what you want/ need from him. remember that and to focus on you & not give in & think about him UNLESS hes ready to give you what you need. (hugs)

 

I understand what your going through, I been there too. Twice. First off, I dont think he is playing you.. I do think he wants to be with you. He would not have made the attempt to leave. But their is a thing called guilt, when children are involved. I cant imagine the pain of walking out on your children. Especially at that age, when they know whats going on. Money seems like its a problem too. There are no cheap apartment in nice areas, and him having to continue keeping the main home front going, plus a second one is tough, especially if the wife is not bringing home an income. The problem I see , was there was no plan. he moved out to quickly without thinking about all the small stuff. Emotionally he was also not ready. I suggest you suggest to him getting into IC, to deal with his guilt. Maybe he and his wife should go to mc also to figure out what to do next. Go NC , stay out while he figures out his head, and marriage, and if he does move out again, he needs a plan, seeing the kids at your house, would not be an option, since wife will not agree to this. Bt give him some credit,I dont think he is lying, but being honest with you how he feels, Its not as black and white as some people put it on this board,

 

It's funny, because today I was thinking about how I first found this website about a month ago. I posted my story and was shocked at some of the replies I got. I thought 'I came here for support', and the things people were saying seemed mean and 'black and white'. Hearing what a loser and a jerk he was, he doesn't really love me, he's just a player and a user, leave his ass now, etc... really hurt my feelings. Well, anyway, I stayed off here for a while, and now I'm back because I'm serious about ending it and I really need a support group to get through this. It's not like I can talk to my married friends or family about this.

 

This hurts so bad not just because of lies, waiting, false hope, etc., it also hurts because of fond memories, of fun, laughing, golfing, pictures, talking about everything, hugging, crying, making up funny stories, our song, our place, car shopping, the trip to Iowa, Kansas City, walking the dog, the lake, starbucks... I could go on and on.

 

I know some people on here might say, "Yeah, you did all that while his W was sitting at home." and you are right, and I am sorry for that.

 

But all that stuff really did happened. We spent 2 years together, not using each other or him trying to hurt me. Since he's married, and seeing me, it's assumed that he has nothing but bad intentions, but that's not true, and I know that in my heart. He may not have his head screwed on straight, and I know that too.

 

We really did fall in love, and that's real, and that's why this hurts so bad for both of us. I'm not say what we have done is right. I don't think either one of us knew how deeply complicated and hurtful this would become, and once your in it, and you love someone, it's really hard to make yourself walk away....... But for me, I got to the point where it's not fun anymore, even when we are together, it's just sad, and I don't see any changes (well, I did for a bit) and it affects every area of my life. I still love him. He left her and his kids but couldn't handle it, like I said, he became very depressed, throwing up, not eating, lost a bunch of weight. He even told me once, when I was nagging him, "I guess I'm not doing this right, I've never done this before." (leaving his kids, very upset)

 

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this except to say for me, it's not just Black and White, but the gray makes me sad and weak. So for today, I'm focusing on "Black and White" because I can't take anymore hurt.

 

Also, I agree that I have to let him go do his own thing. Figure out his family situation and what he can live with. That's personal.

 

Mino, you are right on target about having no plan, paying for two households, guilt, everything. He did try, but it was too much, too fast. He definatly was not prepared.

 

And for all you pulling out your swords, I'm not trying to make him look like a great guy, I'm just saying..........................

[frannie]

We really did fall in love, and that's real, and that's why this hurts so bad for both of us. I'm not say what we have done is right. I don't think either one of us knew how deeply complicated and hurtful this would become, and once your in it, and you love someone, it's really hard to make yourself walk away....... But for me, I got to the point where it's not fun anymore, even when we are together, it's just sad, and I don't see any changes (well, I did for a bit) and it affects every area of my life. I still love him. He left her and his kids but couldn't handle it, like I said, he became very depressed, throwing up, not eating, lost a bunch of weight. He even told me once, when I was nagging him, "I guess I'm not doing this right, I've never done this before." (leaving his kids, very upset)

 

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this except to say for me, it's not just Black and White, but the gray makes me sad and weak. So for today, I'm focusing on "Black and White" because I can't take anymore hurt.

 

Also, I agree that I have to let him go do his own thing. Figure out his family situation and what he can live with. That's personal.

 

Kelly, does it help to think that for him, he's in the grey (as NES says), but you have to make it clear to him (and yourself) that for you, you want one, specific thing, and there are no grey areas there. I think you're maybe focusing on the grey mess he has to deal with, and letting it make you indecisive about what YOU want and need. There's no greyness there, is there?

 

So you act on your black and white. You don't want this pain any longer, so you leave him to it (IF he'll let you!). Then he can sort out his grey (if he's going to) in his own time.

 

It doesn't mean you have no sympathy for him, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean he's a coward, or your relationship meant nothing. It just means what it says: you have had enough. Nothing could be more black and white than that.

[kellykellykelly]

I think you're maybe focusing on the grey mess he has to deal with, and letting it make you indecisive about what YOU want and need. There's no greyness there, is there?

 

It just means what it says: you have had enough. Nothing could be more black and white than that.

 

I was just saying that our relationship wasn't (isn't...?) just Black and White, as some people make it out to be. And I'm trying not to focus on the gray areas like I was before (the what if's...... but we've come this far.... remember that one time...) because they just keep me down.

 

Although, I'll say I'm not perfect and probably 50% of the time I feel like I'm still waiting for him, hoping. The other 50% I'm trying to really get it set in my head that it is over...... by my choice, not his. This is only day 5, and I go through so many different emotions during the day. And his contacting me just brings me a step backwards. (haven't heard from him in 24 hrs. now)

 

The bottom line is: This just SUX!

[Owl]

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this except to say for me, it's not just Black and White, but the gray makes me sad and weak. So for today, I'm focusing on "Black and White" because I can't take anymore hurt.

 

This is probably the wisest thing you could do.

 

Seeing things as grey gives you an out. It lets you continue on with destructive behaviors, and validate doing so by viewing the situation as grey...not as black or white.

 

When you stop and truly view it as black or white, the picture suddenly gets a lot clearer. Deciding what you need to do suddenly becomes a lot simpler (note I didn't say easier...but it IS simpler). It puts an end to justifications and rationalizations...it forces you to see it as others outside of the situation do, and it helps you make that critical decision to move into the right direction.

 

Hang in there...make the choices you've got to make, and realize that no matter what, you WILL recover from all of this.

[neverendingsaga]

It's funny, because today I was thinking about how I first found this website about a month ago. I posted my story and was shocked at some of the replies I got. I thought 'I came here for support', and the things people were saying seemed mean and 'black and white'. Hearing what a loser and a jerk he was, he doesn't really love me, he's just a player and a user, leave his ass now, etc... really hurt my feelings. Well, anyway, I stayed off here for a while, and now I'm back because I'm serious about ending it and I really need a support group to get through this. It's not like I can talk to my married friends or family about this.

 

This hurts so bad not just because of lies, waiting, false hope, etc., it also hurts because of fond memories, of fun, laughing, golfing, pictures, talking about everything, hugging, crying, making up funny stories, our song, our place, car shopping, the trip to Iowa, Kansas City, walking the dog, the lake, starbucks... I could go on and on.

 

I know some people on here might say, "Yeah, you did all that while his W was sitting at home." and you are right, and I am sorry for that.

 

But all that stuff really did happened. We spent 2 years together, not using each other or him trying to hurt me. Since he's married, and seeing me, it's assumed that he has nothing but bad intentions, but that's not true, and I know that in my heart. He may not have his head screwed on straight, and I know that too.

 

We really did fall in love, and that's real, and that's why this hurts so bad for both of us. I'm not say what we have done is right. I don't think either one of us knew how deeply complicated and hurtful this would become, and once your in it, and you love someone, it's really hard to make yourself walk away....... But for me, I got to the point where it's not fun anymore, even when we are together, it's just sad, and I don't see any changes (well, I did for a bit) and it affects every area of my life. I still love him. He left her and his kids but couldn't handle it, like I said, he became very depressed, throwing up, not eating, lost a bunch of weight. He even told me once, when I was nagging him, "I guess I'm not doing this right, I've never done this before." (leaving his kids, very upset)

 

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this except to say for me, it's not just Black and White, but the gray makes me sad and weak. So for today, I'm focusing on "Black and White" because I can't take anymore hurt.

 

Also, I agree that I have to let him go do his own thing. Figure out his family situation and what he can live with. That's personal.

 

Mino, you are right on target about having no plan, paying for two households, guilt, everything. He did try, but it was too much, too fast. He definatly was not prepared.

 

And for all you pulling out your swords, I'm not trying to make him look like a great guy, I'm just saying..........................

 

i understand everything your saying. those feelings are real & the times you shared are real. but maybe what ppl mean by black & white is that it all boils down to one simple fact- hes still M'ed. i hope he gets D'ed & you guys can have those fun times w/out having to worry about him being M'ed. but for now you see that it isnt good for you.

 

believe me i understand where your coming from. my XMM was separated from his W- like yours living in a temporary place w/out much of a plan & he was very confused. but our times together were great. we did so many activities together & traveled together & had our sentimental poems & songs etc. it was LIKE we were a real couple.

 

but reality caught up to us, & we WERENT a real couple. all of that time was stolen from his M. sometimes i think of it & im like ewww. NES what were you thinking. what if -I- was his W & i was confused & hurt about why he moved out & all along he was having great romantic times w/ someone else & not even telling me. i would -hate- him, i would -hate- her. i just didnt want to be that girl anymore. i didnt want to be apart of that anymore. i wanted him to D her on his own. like WF said in my thread i wasnt going to plead or beg him to do anything, i wasnt going to give him suggestions i hoped he follow. i was just like, are you getting D'ed or not? B/C it cant be like this forever & i dont know how much longer i can handle it. so if he wasnt getting D'ed on his own then i needed to stop being w/ him B/C i felt like what we were doing was wrong on so many levels. we had all these great times but they were hidden from everyone. i didnt want a love i had to hide. do you?

 

but the funny thing is i was still under the spell of that romantic fantasy. after we'd broken up & even after he went back home i still wanted something- some small part- of what we had together. that was based on exactly what you say here, my feelings of love for him & all our great memories. but as whichwayisup told me someone else, i was settling for crumbs. i dont think ppl are trying to be MEAN when they say stuff like that, theyre just trying to say, hey NES, its not good to let him talk to you & make you promises & give you hope when he is sitting pretty in his castle w/ his queen. YOU deserve to be someones queen.

 

so i guess what im sayin is at a certain point, you have to stop thinking about it terms of HIM, or him & you. frannie gives really good advice- think about YOU only. is this R working for you the way it is? if not, end it for good (in its current state) & mourn its loss like if someone broke up w/ you or someone died. that is what im doing now- when hes anywhere around i act like he never existed, just to get through it. but when im all alone & thinking about it & able to cry & be pissy etc., i think, it HAS to be over, no more talking, no more crumbs. i just tell myself he broke up w/ ME for another person or & there is nothing i can do about it. otherwise im to tempted to pick up the phone & text him, knowing that i have that power ya know.

 

im not saying hes gone forever but you have to look at it as the AFFAIR is gone forever. being the OW is done forever & thats a good thing for you. if you guys DO get to be together it will be a fresh slate, something new, 2 single ppl! it will prolly be something totally diff. but it will be healthier for you B/C you ended something you knew was bad for you & you waited until it was good for you. and if it never gets good for you, B/C he never gets D'ed, well, there really are other men out there to make memories with. i know it doesnt seem like that now but there are. that is what i tell myself- i will wait untill i have this w/ someone who truly loves me & isnt cheating WITH me or ON me. to think i cant have that is to undervalue myself. i have to know im worth it before other ppl see im worth it, & that means never ever being an OW again, even to XMM.

 

of course keep in mind that im writing to YOU what i say to MYSELF, B/C i think our situations are so similar. this is all stuff ive been realising, that helps me so i hope it helps you. but if it doesnt apply to you feel free to ignore it. im not trying to be one of those ppl that say hes a selfish jerk etc. in my opinion he isnt good enough for you YET B/C he hasnt done what it takes to be w/ you & make those memories the way you deserve. but thats just my opinion & if you think otherwise i wont bash you. i know your going thru a hard time, i am too, so just let me know how i can help.

[twice_shy]

I think that has more to do with her being a W than being a mother. Mothers are just concerned that their kids are safe and happy, and want the best for them.

 

Which is exactly why my xW moved a felon in with my kids.

[Mino]

Kelly, does it help to think that for him, he's in the grey (as NES says), but you have to make it clear to him (and yourself) that for you, you want one, specific thing, and there are no grey areas there. I think you're maybe focusing on the grey mess he has to deal with, and letting it make you indecisive about what YOU want and need. There's no greyness there, is there?

 

So you act on your black and white. You don't want this pain any longer, so you leave him to it (IF he'll let you!). Then he can sort out his grey (if he's going to) in his own time.

 

It doesn't mean you have no sympathy for him, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean he's a coward, or your relationship meant nothing. It just means what it says: you have had enough. Nothing could be more black and white than that.

Very well said Frannie, with compassion, MM is not a monster.. like others put it. He has his issues to deal with, so let him deal with them by himself. He has to close one chapter, before he can open another...

[kellykellykelly]

we had all these great times but they were hidden from everyone. i didnt want a love i had to hide. do you?

 

OMG! No! OK.... that made me cry

 

but the funny thing is i was still under the spell of that romantic fantasy. after we'd broken up & even after he went back home i still wanted something- some small part- of what we had together.

 

That's how I feel right now. It doesn't feel like it's over... really over yet. I haven't taken our pictures down yet, or where he wrote in lipstick on the mirror "I love you" Ha. He wrote "I love you forever" in weird places all over my house.... behind my headboard, garage, side of bathroom door. I feel like I'm still waiting for him. I'm so used to feeling like this (waiting) it's hard to shake it. I think I am still waiting for him, hoping he does something so we can be together.

 

 

when hes anywhere around i act like he never existed, just to get through it. but when im all alone & thinking about it & able to cry & be pissy etc., i think, it HAS to be over, no more talking, no more crumbs.

 

I saw him today. Every Friday I'm scheduled to work where he works. I knew I would see him. He is actually the person who has to tell me what needs to be done. I thought I was gonna faint when I saw him. I kept it all business though, and he just kept staring at me. I worked there for about 4 hours and I kept seeing him off in a distance staring at me. I thought it was funny. Ha ha, sucker! Take a look at this!! Anyway, I did good today. I feel kinda bad for seeming cold to him, he was just looking at me like he couldn't believe it. Someone please comment on this....... because he looked so sad. He was looking out the window as I drove away. I really need a comment, cuz you know I want to text him!

 

 

im not saying hes gone forever but you have to look at it as the AFFAIR is gone forever. being the OW is done forever & thats a good thing for you.

 

I like this! I'm not there yet, but that's something I'm gonna keep thinking about.

 

 

of course keep in mind that im writing to YOU what i say to MYSELF, B/C i think our situations are so similar. this is all stuff ive been realising, that helps me so i hope it helps you. but if it doesnt apply to you feel free to ignore it. im not trying to be one of those ppl that say hes a selfish jerk etc. in my opinion he isnt good enough for you YET B/C he hasnt done what it takes to be w/ you & make those memories the way you deserve. but thats just my opinion & if you think otherwise i wont bash you. i know your going thru a hard time, i am too, so just let me know how i can help.

 

Thank you so much. I guess sometimes we're not ready to hear what other's have to say (timing) and later they make sense. I am so thankful for this forum. It's nice to finally be able to talk to someone about this who understands. I know I screwed this "quote" thing up, but too tired to fix it.

[White Flower]

Hang in there Kelly, and DON'T text him;) You'll feel better for not doing it.

 

Hugs, and have a great weekend.

[kellykellykelly]

Now that I got everyone talking about how he is NOT a monster, or a jerk, etc... I feel bad, like I was too hard on him. It seems like some others of you have been a little more compassionate. UGH! Plus I saw him today and he was giving me that hound dog look. Was I mean just to blow him off like I did? SH*#! God I hate this! I know I have to end this A, but should I have been a little nicer about it, I mean after all, we were wading in that muck together. OK someone just stop me. Tape my mouth shut. I mean tape my fingers together so I can't type!

[White Flower]

*Rolling out the tape, tearing it off, holding it up to mouth*

 

Sweetie, you can vent all you want, it's YOUR thread;)

[whichwayisup]

... I feel bad, like I was too hard on him

 

Don't feel too bad. He is a big boy and can take it - He isn't going to crumble, curl up in a ball and die. So his feelings get hurt, his ego gets bruised - Sorry but he chose this and the consquences are something he has to deal with. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. Don't let him get to you and please, put yourself first. He certainly has put himself first for a long time.

[Meaplus3]

Long story short... or long.

 

After a year and a half, and after many heart-breaks and break-ups with MM, he left her. He moved into a temporary place where you pay weekly. The first few weeks were great, somewhat like a "normal" relationship. His children were really having a hard time with him moving out. He started spending almost all of his free time with the kids and days would go by where we wouldn't see each other. (He also works 60 hours a week) He was ridden with guilt and guilt trips. He became very depressed, not eating, sleeping, withdrawn, lost a bunch of weight. I tried to be understanding as I have been divorced myself and know first hand that emotional roller coaster and what the kids go through. I tried to stick with him through this but he became very depressed and distant. I tried giving him his space, but felt very alone and not sure where we were heading. Finally I told him how I felt and that I love him, but I'm so unhappy and that when he is able to have time to have a relationship with me I hope he calls.

 

After a week of NC, I was starting to feel strong again, and I ran into him.

We started talking over the next few days. He told me that every time he leaves his 5 yr old son, that he chases him down the street on his bike, crying. Then he (MM) goes back to his room and is alone (because I haven't been seeing him) and his little boy is heartbroken. I told him that he could move into my house, I have an extra bedroom... he can bring the kids over here, spend the night or day, movies, ride bikes, etc. (he was mainly just visiting them at their house before) and that I would take the pictures down of us together and not even meet them for awhile until they were comfortable........ Sounds like a good plan to me. He kept crying and saying "why didn't you tell me this before?" Well, the day I told him my idea, was his son's b-day. That morning when his son called him, MM told his son that he was moving home to live in the basement. So, he already told him. And even though he wants to live with me, he already told his son. So, he moved back, but says he's gonna figure out a way to leave again and he wishes I would have told him before. He is living in the basement, his W hates him (she knows about me) she doesn't want to work it out, neither does he. He doesn't know what to do, and neither do I. I know I can't go back to the way things were, and the fact is he is still M and just moved back in with her. I told him that if he uses the same refrigerator, garage, toilet and bank account..... your still with her. If your with her your not with me. I feel like he deserted me. I am so hurt. He promises that he is going to figure this out and move out again he wants me to stay with him. He says the tension between him and her is so bad, he doesn't know if he can even stay there. But if it was so hard before with his kids, how is he gonna have the balls to do it again? What do I do??????????? So confused and exhausted from this all. I can't even think straight.

 

I'm sorry for your situation it seems like it has caused you so much pain. The key to the "Divorce papers". When he hands you those, that's when you should give him a second thought. Until then, I'm sorry to say it but try and forget.

 

AP:)

[kellykellykelly]

Can I at least text him and tell him something like: This is not about you personally. I don't dislike you.

 

 

I just feel like I was to harsh.

 

Or is this the part where he does something wrong, I get mad at him, he gets upset because I'm mad at him, all the focus goes to him, then I apologize for hurting the poor baby, then it looks like the whole thing is my fault, and what he did to start the whole thing goes to the wayside. ?

 

Not that I would be apologizing, but he would probably take it as I am acknowledging that he is hurt, so I am explaining my self. Same as above.... then the focus will be on poor king baby.

 

ugh! MF'er.

[bentnotbroken]

Can I at least text him and tell him something like: This is not about you personally. I don't dislike you.

 

 

I just feel like I was to harsh.

 

Or is this the part where he does something wrong, I get mad at him, he gets upset because I'm mad at him, all the focus goes to him, then I apologize for hurting the poor baby, then it looks like the whole thing is my fault, and what he did to start the whole thing goes to the wayside. ?

 

Not that I would be apologizing, but he would probably take it as I am acknowledging that he is hurt, so I am explaining my self. Same as above.... then the focus will be on poor king baby.

 

ugh! MF'er.

 

 

NO, NADA, FORGET ABOUT IT, LEAVE IT ALONE......Don't give him an ounce of power and explaining anything implies that he deserves something, he doesn't.