azlis Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 I have finally came to realize that I am involved in an emotional affair a couple of weeks ago. I suppose i started liking the attention as my husband asked for a divorce on 6-8 (at that point my marriage was 95% over -as he has said that a few times before) I have spent more time with my friend than my husband since then- My friend and his wife seperated a few weeks ago- and I believe this is when the relationship escalated- We both agree that there shouldn't be any physical contact until the decisions on both sides are final- (re: divorces filed) Now his wife has evidently decided to "blame me" for their marital problems and has called a couple times and irrationally screamed and carried on- I just listened to her and of course told her we were not having any sort of torrid affair. Well, earlier this week after the last phone call-(she was standing there screaming as i called him to inform him of the message on machine) we had an hour and a half talk and he confessed that he is in love with me and wanted to know my innermost thoughts as well. I guess i am posting as I told him that if we were both single and etc. that I would marry him tomorrow-(I have never felt like this before) But, I still feel awful as I don't want the blame for his divorce. He has no children and mine are older and I am not married to their dad. He is a professional and so is my husband so both divorces will be a bit messy. Any thoughts outside of ignoring each other until both parties have extinguished their current situations? As we have found we can't go without seeing each other daily and many phone calls and e-mails and IM's. I have never in all my life been in a situation like this and it is very mentally draining - Thanks for listening Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 My opinion is that you are making a very serious mistake, jumping from one situation into another without any downtime. A major factor in your attraction to this married man who similarly lacks committment to the marriage he was unable to keep together. So if neither one of you were able to keep your marriages together, what makes you think you could do it for each other, and particularly under these chaotic circumstances? Oh, yes, you love each other with all your hearts...yeah, right! And far do you think that's going to take you. The love you have is an illusion created in your minds because of your circumstances. I urge you to cool you jets, get your divorce, and either date around or date each other without jumping into things. If you do, you will regret it all the days of your life. Right now, you are in emotional shambles and not thinking rationally, although you think you are. Back off and give your mind and body time to regain some balance before making more major life decisions that could screw things up even worse. If this was right, it wouldn't be "very mentally draining" (your own exact words). I have no idea why people get themselves into situations that are supposed to be energy supplying and think they are madly in love...when they are draining. That's not the way it's supposed to be. If this other man is the right one for you, he will wait until you have some time to get your balance and see straight. Right now, you are not operating with a clear mind. Take your time. Go to DisneyWorld...alone! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 I agree with Tony, I think you'd be making a mistake to jump into anything with this man right now. In fact, given his feelings and the sticky divorce proceedings, I think you and he would do well to cool the friendship a bit for the time being. If what's between the two of you is genuine, it will still be there when you've each emerged from your respective divorces. And it would be better for each of you if your relationship wasn't tainted with the ugliness of your divorces. Also, consider that despite your friend's determination to divorce, his wife doesn't seem to be so pleased about the end of her marriage. It could very well be that you're just a convenient punching bag for her to lash out against. It could well be that their marriage would be on the rocks even if you weren't on the scene. But why not withdraw for a bit so that you're not splattered with the venom she's spewing? I should think that anyone emerging from a failed marriage would do well to allow some time to reflect. You were in a committed relationship that went sour -- do you know why? It probably wasn't just your spouse's fault. It's probably not just your friend's wife's fault. Devoting some downtime to self-reflection would allow you to emerge from the divorce stronger and with better self-knowledge. If you just dive right into another relationship you'll deprive yourself of that opportunity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author azlis Posted July 19, 2003 Author Share Posted July 19, 2003 Thank you all for your input- I may not have written my response correctly as when i said i would marry him tomorrow- i meant if we were both single and the circumstances were different- I soooo much know about the recovery time as I have been there before and he hasn't- so I defenitely would not rush in to any long term commitments at this time- Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
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