Engagement Ring Problem?

[france719]

My boyfriend just proposed to me this past weekend with a very beautiful ring. I love it, and it looks great on my finger. It is not a diamond, which I hate to admit, but I am disappointed by (it is a very pale green amethyst). It is also a very low-set stone, affecting the band, making it impossible for a wedding band to sit up snugly against it (he did not think about this). He told me that it took him so long to pick out the ring and that he hesitated between several boutiques and several rings, and that he was willing to show me the others to see if I preferred them. I told him I loved the ring, which I do, but he assured me that if there were any problems he could return or exchange it and we could shop together for a new ring (we live in France and I am leaving to go back to the states for two months in just one day). My major issue with the ring is the boutique from which it came. Although the price tag of the ring does not concern me, I have read horrible reviews about the boutique and about the quality of the jewelry there (rings breaking, stones breaking, white gold turning yellow after only 4 months, the guarantee and certificate of authenticity not being valued, etc.). After wearing the ring only two days, and taking special care of it, a part of the white gold band is "nicked" already. A huge part of me wants to take the ring back and shop elsewhere, but I do like the ring, and I especially don't want to hurt his feelings or seem ungrateful. What should I do??

[LucreziaBorgia]

Did you show him the nick and tell him about the reviews? He may want to know that he bought a shoddy product if nothing else.

[sally4sara]

Congrats to you!

 

They have bands that have a crescent shape to allow for low set stones. Once they are fused together, it's like a normal set and fits very snug against the engagement ring.

Have him take it to another jeweler for appraisal and to have the craftsmanship verified. If it is really an amythyst, then it will be solid enough for everyday wear. But if they are passing off green glass as a gem, he will find out and take it back. They can also test to see if it is plated or solid gold.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a well made ring and lasting stones. The point is that the ring needs to be able to hold up over the years through daily wear. It is the one piece of jewelry that has to be able to do this.

I just got proposed to over the weekend while we were in NYC. There are no diamonds in my ring; we don't support diamond mining. I picked out the stones and made sure they had a hardness that was good for daily wear. My birthstone is a garnet and is suitable for daily wear. I got the kind that change color in different lighting. It is gorgeous!

[Nevermind]

sally4sara: Congratulations!

 

OP: You should talk to him. He offered to change the ring, and if you're doing it thoughtfully he won't be offended.

[Lishy]

Admit it, you are not that crazy on the ring!

 

You wanted a big blinging diamond! I would too lol

 

Take it back and get one you love!

[mikeg]

You're going to wear that ring for a long, long time. Make sure you like it. Above all else, he wants to see you happy. Be gentle but be honest. He'll understand.

[shaunlaker]

Don't worry ,love is not measured by the rings or gifts he gives just love him a lot and then you know na money cant buy love,ok i can understand your feelings,forgive him and just love him a lot

[Event Horizon]

Don't worry ,love is not measured by the rings or gifts he gives just love him a lot and then you know na money cant buy love,ok i can understand your feelings,forgive him and just love him a lot

This message will be lost on most women. To them, it's all about the dollar.

 

The man she supposedly loves just asked her to spend the rest of her life with him, and all she can focus on is the ring. Typical.

 

E..H

[sb129]

This message will be lost on most women. To them, it's all about the dollar.

 

E..H

 

Not true.

 

My fiance proposed to me with a ring he had picked out and to him, it was his offering to me- like a contract. He said that he should have known me well enough to know what I would like, and if he didn't then he shouldn't be proposing yet.

 

I have no idea how much it cost, and I love it.

 

Sally4sara: congratulations!!!! Such wonderful news.

 

To france719: I would definitely get the workmanship etc independently evaluated- you will need to for your insurance anyway, so see what they say and take it from there.

 

A nick in white gold this early on isn't that unusual- white gold is still quite soft, and needs to be dipped/ plated on a regular basis to maintain its colour as the brightness of white gold fades over time (its a property of the gold)- this in itself can add up cost wise.

[Event Horizon]

Not true.

 

My fiance proposed to me with a ring he had picked out and to him, it was his offering to me- like a contract..

Sounds to me like he knows what you like to hear, which I think makes my point.

 

My advice to OP would be that if you really love him, forget about the ring for now.

 

About a month before your one year anniversary, tell him lovingly, but firmly, that you expect a new ring.

 

On the other hand, can't you just LOVE the ring because it's the one HE picked out...and that means something??? Probably not an option if your thoughts about the proposal keep drifting to the ring, again and again.

 

E..H

[Trialbyfire]

The higher the carat of the gold, the softer the metal and the easier to nick. If your ring is 18K or more, be prepared for this type of wear and tear.

 

Also, your issue with the wedding band is an easy fix. You can have a customized wedding band made to fit snugly to anything. It also won't cost much more than a store bought wedding band if you do your homework.

 

He told me that it took him so long to pick out the ring and that he hesitated between several boutiques and several rings,

This in itself would make me want to treasure the ring. If he's like most men, this would have been an agonizing process between the act of shopping and trying to find something he felt you would love.

 

If a diamond or better quality ring is so important to you, you can always buy something else later on in life, to wear on another finger.

[ElevenOfSpades]

I don't see why some people are being so hard on the OP. Isn't durability of a treasured piece of jewelry that you will wear EVERY DAY (lots of wear and tear) a legitimate concern? She already said she loved it, there's no need to convince here to. It's a matter of will the ring wear badly/break in a year or two? Don't you think her fiance would feel terrible if the ring he picked out and she wore lovingly for a few years broke on her? She's doing him a favor by making sure it will last.

[D-Lish]

I don't see why some people are being so hard on the OP. ..

 

Only one person was hard on the op, and not that hard.

 

Personally, I wouldn't care if I had a ring at all.

I didn't like the ring my ex husband gave me- but I wore it because he picked it out- and I was way more excited about being in love than the ring.

 

I don't know- maybe because I already did it once (marriage), so the process isn't a 'first time' everything should be perfect event.

 

To me... love is awesome- and a ring is only a ring....a symbol of love- but not a measure of love.

 

Just me though- I'd rather spend that money on a new TV.

[sb129]

Sounds to me like he knows what you like to hear, which I think makes my point.

 

 

Not really- in all honesty I disagreed with him, and it was something he mentioned long before we were serious enough to consider marriage.

 

I remember having that conversation with him and thinking "Oh sh*t, I guess if he ever proposes, I hope I like it."

 

And to be perfectly honest, the ring he chose me wouldn't have been my first choice had I had the choice myself. However, being a very indecisive person when face with endless choices, he did me a favour.

 

And I love it because of that, AND because its so lovely, and because there is a nice little story that goes with the ring and how he bought it etc etc.

 

Sorry to bust your negative bubble Event Horizon. And for the record, I can't wait to be his wife and to me getting married is about way more than the ring. Haven't turned into bridezilla..!

[Event Horizon]

Not really- in all honesty I disagreed with him, and it was something he mentioned long before we were serious enough to consider marriage.

 

I remember having that conversation with him and thinking "Oh sh*t, I guess if he ever proposes, I hope I like it."

 

And to be perfectly honest, the ring he chose me wouldn't have been my first choice had I had the choice myself. However, being a very indecisive person when face with endless choices, he did me a favour.

 

And I love it because of that, AND because its so lovely, and because there is a nice little story that goes with the ring and how he bought it etc etc.

 

Sorry to bust your negative bubble Event Horizon. And for the record, I can't wait to be his wife and to me getting married is about way more than the ring. Haven't turned into bridezilla..!

Okay...I'll accept you love him. Yet, you say "I guess if he ever proposes, I hope I like It"

 

What happened to just hoping he proposes? What the hell did the ring have anything to do with it? Why is a woman's thoughts even on the ring at all. This, to me, is the difference between men and women. Women want to know "what's in it for me" above and beyond love. Not that that isn't a valid concern(finances before marriage), but worrying about what kind of ring you're going to get goes a lot further than concern for your combined financial situation regarding marriage.

 

Again, I'm glad you're happy and in love:)...I just think you're helping me make my point to a certain degree.

 

E..H

[Trialbyfire]

Okay...I'll accept you love him. Yet, you say "I guess if he ever proposes, I hope I like It"

 

What happened to just hoping he proposes? What the hell did the ring have anything to do with it? Why is a woman's thoughts even on the ring at all. This, to me, is the difference between men and women. Women want to know "what's in it for me" above and beyond love. Not that that isn't a valid concern(finances before marriage), but worrying about what kind of ring you're going to get goes a lot further than concern for your combined financial situation regarding marriage.

 

Again, I'm glad you're happy and in love:)...I just think you're helping me make my point to a certain degree.

 

E..H

Whoah boy! You're drawing some genderized conclusions. There are two sides to a ring. The man buys a ring so he can put his stamp on the woman he loves or wants. The woman wears the ring, most proudly, showing the world that she's happy to be his woman. They both contractually agree to move forward in their lives together.

 

This is what the ring represents.

 

I can tell you this for certain, if a man proposed to me without a ring, it says to me that he's not in it, all the way. The ring symbolizes his commitment to me.

[Event Horizon]

Whoah boy! You're drawing some genderized conclusions. There are two sides to a ring. The man buys a ring so he can put his stamp on the woman he loves or wants. The woman wears the ring, most proudly, showing the world that she's happy to be his woman. They both contractually agree to move forward in their lives together.

 

This is what the ring represents.

 

I can tell you this for certain, if a man proposed to me without a ring, it says to me that he's not in it, all the way. The ring symbolizes his commitment to me.

When you posted I was trying to edit my last post to say:

 

"My first post in this thread may have been a little over the top but I find a fair amount of therapeutic value in saying mean things about women. Maybe I could tone it down a little."

 

TBF: I agree it's a two way street..it just seems to me the woman is always preoccupied by the VALUE of the ring at a time when that shouldn't matter. Down the line, sure, what woman doesn't want a nice ring but during the engagement is a crappy time to worry about it. IMO of course.

 

And I agree if I were getting married buying the ring would be fun, only tempered by the fact that I'd have to worry if I spent enough.

 

E..H

[Trialbyfire]

When you posted I was trying to edit my last post to say:

 

"My first post in this thread may have been a little over the top but I find a fair amount of therapeutic value in saying mean things about women. Maybe I could tone it down a little."

 

TBF: I agree it's a two way street..it just seems to me the woman is always preoccupied by the VALUE of the ring at a time when that shouldn't matter. Down the line, sure, what woman doesn't want a nice ring but during the engagement is a crappy time to worry about it. IMO of course.

 

And I agree if I were getting married buying the ring would be fun, only tempered by the fact that I'd have to worry if I spent enough.

 

E..H

I love beautiful jewelry and when my ex-H proposed to me, he gave me the most incredible ring. In return, I bought him the bike of his choice, a Honda CBR600, which btw, he deliberately pushed over a cliff after I refused to stay with him upon discovery of his infidelity. If anyone should be cynical about rings/engagements and marriage, it should be me.

 

As it stands, I'm not, at least with other peoples' relationships. I do recall how bowled over I was with the ring and more importantly, all it emotionally repped to me. I won't spoil that feeling for anyone else because it could easily be different and meaningful for them.

[Event Horizon]

I love beautiful jewelry and when my ex-H proposed to me, he gave me the most incredible ring. In return, I bought him the bike of his choice, a Honda CBR600, which btw, he deliberately pushed over a cliff after I refused to stay with him upon discovery of his infidelity. If anyone should be cynical about rings/engagements and marriage, it should be me.

 

As it stands, I'm not, at least with other peoples' relationships. I do recall how bowled over I was with the ring and more importantly, all it emotionally repped to me. I won't spoil that feeling for anyone else because it could easily be different and meaningful for them.

Well I don't think I've spoiled anything for the OP. But to your point, yes, there are SOME women not concerned with the dollar. Women at LS don't count though since by their nature they are somewhat more caring or they probably wouldn't have found LS.

 

I'm trying VERY HARD not to hate women. I don't want to do that. A little disliking never hurt anyone though.

 

I'm sorry your husband cheated on you. I truly am. I know that doesn't sound like much knowing the pain you've been through but I am sorry.

 

E..H

[sb129]

Okay...I'll accept you love him. Yet, you say "I guess if he ever proposes, I hope I like It"

 

What happened to just hoping he proposes? What the hell did the ring have anything to do with it? Why is a woman's thoughts even on the ring at all. This, to me, is the difference between men and women. Women want to know "what's in it for me" above and beyond love. Not that that isn't a valid concern(finances before marriage), but worrying about what kind of ring you're going to get goes a lot further than concern for your combined financial situation regarding marriage.

 

Again, I'm glad you're happy and in love:)...I just think you're helping me make my point to a certain degree.

 

E..H

 

Well, because if he had proposed and I HADN'T really liked it, I would have sucked it in rather than tell him because I love him.

At that point in our R, marriage wasn't something that I had ever really seriously considered, and would have been just as happy co-habiting.

Being happy means more to me- my ex before my fiance had mentioned marriage and the thought filled me with dread because i knew if I married him i may as well have signed my own sanity death-warrant.

 

You know, the ring I have isn't the one I "envisaged" (and the difference between men and women is that most women fantasise about getting an engagement ring, and have an opinion on what is their favourite) but I love it anyway.

 

 

"My first post in this thread may have been a little over the top but I find a fair amount of therapeutic value in saying mean things about women. Maybe I could tone it down a little."

 

TBF: I agree it's a two way street..it just seems to me the woman is always preoccupied by the VALUE of the ring at a time when that shouldn't matter. Down the line, sure, what woman doesn't want a nice ring but during the engagement is a crappy time to worry about it. IMO of course.

 

I agree EH! Ease up on the ladies.

 

Personally, its not about the money. You can buy some gorgeous rings that don't cost all that much, and some uber- expensive ones are just plain ostentatious and border on tacky IMO.

Most women want one that looks nice on her hand, has a bit of sparkle, is classic enough that it won't date and can be passed on to their children.

 

Its like wedding dresses- my dress cost £250 on ebay, and in MY opinion, it nicer than my friends whose cost ten times that much.

 

But she liked it so everyone is happy.

[Trialbyfire]

Well I don't think I've spoiled anything for the OP. But to your point, yes, there are SOME women not concerned with the dollar. Women at LS don't count though since by their nature they are somewhat more caring or they probably wouldn't have found LS.

 

I'm trying VERY HARD not to hate women. I don't want to do that. A little disliking never hurt anyone though.

 

I'm sorry your husband cheated on you. I truly am. I know that doesn't sound like much knowing the pain you've been through but I am sorry.

 

E..H

Good, keep working at not disliking women. There's nothing wrong with disliking the people who've done you dirt, in the past. You can forgive but don't ever forget the reason why you need to stay far away from the specific people who are negative influences in your life.

 

I appreciate the sentiment but it's okay. I'm very much over that phase of my life. He lives on in his misery. His choice.

[sb129]

Out of interest TBF, what did you do with your rings after the divorce?

[Trialbyfire]

I have a very nice pendant now!

[Event Horizon]

Good, keep working at not disliking women.

My problem is that when we broke I couldn't stop sexually fantasizing about her. She was the only woman I ever wanted to have sex with again.

 

The only way I found to cure this was to turn to internet porn, which I've never been into. It worked, with the added side effect of developing a total disrespect for women, so I had to stop the internet porn and things are improving. I no longer fantasize about her, and I just use my vivid imagination rather than porn.

 

SB129: I'll try and ease up, but I'm sure I'll slip up, too.

 

E..H

[sb129]

 

SB129: I'll try and ease up, but I'm sure I'll slip up, too.

 

E..H

 

Thats OK.

 

I'm not perfect either.

Hopefully one day the hot women of your imagination will appear in your life.