Engagement Ring Problem?

[sally4sara]

What happened to just hoping he proposes? What the hell did the ring have anything to do with it? Why is a woman's thoughts even on the ring at all. This, to me, is the difference between men and women.

E..H

 

Well the concept of an engagement ring was actually thought up by men. Long time ago when women were property, their worth could be ruined by even the suggestion of being with another man; not just the loss of their hymen. Even if the girl was still "intact", she had been courted. If that courting process didn't culminate into a marriage she was "ruined".

Men would sometimes propose and enjoy their intended bride till it came down to the ceremony.....the groom to be was no where to be found. Once that happened the girl's family could no longer count on marrying her off and she became their financial burden for life. It was decided that a gesture of good faith like a nice ring was a way to tell the man's intent was honest and if not....the ring became a monetary off-set to the family.

 

Today, you will find a wide range in women's opinion of what a suitable ring would be. I agree that sometimes it seems to be more about how much money was spent (which would be more like the actual tradition) and less about genuine love for the husband to be. But even a girl who isn't fiscally minded can see the point in watching to see what kind of effort a man will make when it comes to how committed he is to the impeding vows and his desire to live his life with the woman he proposes to. If he can't be bothered about it at all for even a modest ring it can make you wonder how much effort he will put into sustaining the relationship down the road. It still comes down to a show of good faith no matter what the price tag reads.

[sb129]

What is yours like Sal?

[sally4sara]

What is yours like Sal?

 

It is a white gold antique art deco style setting we had custom made. It has a peach/wine colored spinel in the middle that is just under a half carat and it has three smaller stones on both sides that accent it. They are color change garnets. They change from light blue/green in natural light to a wine color in incandescent light. It cost under $800 and it is the prettiest ring I've ever seen. I get compliments all the time and people asking me how old it is.

[Event Horizon]

Well the concept of an engagement ring was actually thought up by men.

And you women sure ran with this idea! Must be the first and last good idea a man ever had!

 

j/K..I couldn't help myself.

 

E..H

[Trialbyfire]

And you women sure ran with this idea! Must be the first and last good idea a man ever had!

 

j/K..I couldn't help myself.

 

E..H

Guess again. De Beers, anyone?

[sb129]

It sounds lovely- really unusual. If it is the prettiest ring you have ever seen, then its the perfect engagement ring for you! Congratulations again.

[sally4sara]

Guess again. De Beers, anyone?

 

The DeBeers family is largely comprised of disgusting greedy *********s.

They can't step foot in three countries because they will immediately end up in prison. The U.S. is one of those three. They are the reason diamonds cost what they do. They are the largest of the companies who sell conflict diamonds. And even most of the others get their diamonds through DeBeers.

eff those guys......

[sally4sara]

It sounds lovely- really unusual. If it is the prettiest ring you have ever seen, then its the perfect engagement ring for you! Congratulations again.

 

Thanks! I've always liked my birthstone - garnet. I was blown away to learn there was a kind that changed color!

[sb129]

The DeBeers family is largely comprised of disgusting greedy *********s.

They can't step foot in three countries because they will immediately end up in prison. The U.S. is one of those three. They are the reason diamonds cost what they do. They are the largest of the companies who sell conflict diamonds. And even most of the others get their diamonds through DeBeers.

eff those guys......

 

Yes, Wonderboy was very anti- DeBeers for that reason.

 

My ring is a diamond, and its supposedly conflict free- I guess you never know for sure.

[trust]

@ EventHorizon: You're awesome. I don't think you need to ease up...but I'm not a girl. They will certainly think you need to ease up. Tone is hard to read in print. Add to that, girls don't usually gather around to hear cold truth. They're looking for "yes men" and you are a "no man" with cold truth just bursting their bubble.

 

@D-lish: I love you. Will you marry me?

 

Assuming the OP is real, and not "artificially generated"....

 

Notice that she has only one post and never replied to any of your responses? Maybe she's busy. Or maybe she only came here for support and not truth.

 

First I want to say congrats to her! Although it's hard for me to be happy when I see a certain telltale behavior. Judging by your current emotional maturity level, I see an enormous amount of pain and suffering in your possible future marriage. Like EventHorizon and D-lish said, you are focussed on the wrong things. What you feel is guilt for saying what you are saying, which is what lead you to post anonymously in some forum. Take my advice on at least this much: Please let your fiance know EXACTLY how you feel about the ring. Love and marriage is all about honesty, right? Well give me an example of just how honest you are and tell him exactly what you wrote here in this forum. Even better, email him a link to it so that we can have one big happy discussion on the matter. Do this and then get back to me.

 

Love that counter-argument. The whole "how much he spent on the ring is an example of his commitment." It's quite the opposite - her response to that ring is an example of her commitment. What a joke. Please see the post left by D-lish (referring to symbol/measure). Well said.

 

This is a soft spot for me as well because that issue was one of the first fights my now ex-wife and I had. She LOVED the ring but then changed her mind within days after the marriage. She had described how she was going to dismantle it and put my inferior size stone off to the side of the the other three stoned ring I was going to buy her (unbeknownst to me) for our one year anniversary. I sold both my fourteen and a half foot bow-rider (that's a nice sized boat if you don't already know) and my jet-ski to buy her that engagement ring.

 

For the fella's reading this---> IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH you spend on that ring - she will inevitably see/hear/meet someone who has a nicer one. There will always be a worse ring, and there will always be a better ring. Get her a ring you can afford. You will most likely eventually never see it again anyway. Over 50% of the population is divorced fellas, what makes you think you are so special? My ex has that diamond from the ring that I bought, in some necklace now, wrapped around her scrawny neck.

 

I'll tell you this.. there's probably not a single thing that gets my respect as fast as when I see a girl with a wedding ring, and it's small and obviously very inexpensive. I immediately start talking to her. What an awesome chic!!!!!

[sb129]

 

 

This is a soft spot for me as well because that issue was one of the first fights my now ex-wife and I had. She LOVED the ring but then changed her mind within days after the marriage. She had described how she was going to dismantle it and put my inferior size stone off to the side of the the other three stoned ring I was going to buy her (unbeknownst to me) for our one year anniversary. I sold both my fourteen and a half foot bow-rider (that's a nice sized boat if you don't already know) and my jet-ski to buy her that engagement ring.

 

:eek::eek:

Now THAT is terrible.

 

I am in a verbally arranged contract to buy Wonderboy (my fiance) a boat to the same value of my engagement rings once we settle somewhere (we are a bit transient at the moment).

 

Fair enough- the boat benefits us both.

 

For the fella's reading this---> IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH you spend on that ring - she will inevitably see/hear/meet someone who has a nicer one. There will always be a worse ring, and there will always be a better ring.

 

This is true, and that is life really. i know people who have bigger rings than me, and smaller ones, and I don't care- there are people out there with bigger boobs than me but I dont' want to upgrade them either.

[Kasan]

I really think that there is way to much focus on the engagement ring and the wedding these days.

 

Back in the 1700's when I got married we were to poor to buy an engagement ring and I honestly didn't care. It was all we could do to scrape up the money to buy wedding bands.

 

It always bothered my husband that I never had an engagement ring so I received my engagement ring on Valentine's day in the year of our 25th wedding anniversary. A beautiful custom job that doesn't have a single diamond in it. The custom wedding band I received that year for Christmas.

 

I see this whole engagement wedding ring, wedding drama with my son's girlfriend. To her, it's all about the wedding and the two carat diamond ring.

 

A good marriage isn't composed of outside trappings and baubles, nor should it be about a girl's idealized dreams of what a partnership is about.

[sally4sara]

I really think that there is way to much focus on the engagement ring and the wedding these days.

 

Back in the 1700's when I got married we were to poor to buy an engagement ring and I honestly didn't care. It was all we could do to scrape up the money to buy wedding bands.

 

It always bothered my husband that I never had an engagement ring so I received my engagement ring on Valentine's day in the year of our 25th wedding anniversary. A beautiful custom job that doesn't have a single diamond in it. The custom wedding band I received that year for Christmas.

 

I see this whole engagement wedding ring, wedding drama with my son's girlfriend. To her, it's all about the wedding and the two carat diamond ring.

 

A good marriage isn't composed of outside trappings and baubles, nor should it be about a girl's idealized dreams of what a partnership is about.

 

No doubt. A two carat diamond ring won't shield you from getting baby poo or vomit on your hands.....just one example of something you will end up dealing with in a marriage that isn't part of an idealized fantasy! Or maybe her rock glinting in the light the whole while would make it more "magical" in her mind.

[trust]

Ladies understand this: Guys are not sensitive. That is...until you start talking about that engagement ring. We are just as sensitive to carat weight as you are about your weight. (Somebody write that down and put me down as the wise one who said it..I just googled it so I know I own it )

 

When a guy gives you an engagement ring - CHOOSE YOUR WORDS WISELY. He will NEVER FORGET what you say to him concerning it.

 

I was really hurt by it. Who knows how I would have reacted if she would have shown me how she really felt about the ring *before* I made that life long commitment (yeah right). She did in fact turn out to be the most materialistic girl I've ever met (and folks, I meet a lot of women.)

 

I find myself drifting towards the other side of the argument (where the girl wants a different ring)...then I try to put myself in her shoes...and I just can't imagine when, even if it were a .13 diamond, or no diamond, where I would complain. Most of it I guess is the delivery of that information. How and when you present it matters a lot. We try to figure out what is in your heart by what you say so...be careful.

 

And fellas, shame on you for not asking your soon-to-be-fiances a long series of "what if" related questions concerning the whole event of the engagement ring. Why wait for a real life response? Ask her what she'd do if you brought home a .13 carat diamond? Then discuss. (that would have made my life a whole lot easier) But beware, what that say/do/mean are often times different things. It's your job to figure it all out before you get burned.

 

I'm still waiting for someone to post a "best strategy" for responding to the delivery of an engagement ring. Make me mad enough and I'll do the woman's thinking myself.

[lovestruck818]

My boyfriend just proposed to me this past weekend with a very beautiful ring. I love it, and it looks great on my finger. It is not a diamond, which I hate to admit, but I am disappointed by (it is a very pale green amethyst). It is also a very low-set stone, affecting the band, making it impossible for a wedding band to sit up snugly against it (he did not think about this). He told me that it took him so long to pick out the ring and that he hesitated between several boutiques and several rings, and that he was willing to show me the others to see if I preferred them. I told him I loved the ring, which I do, but he assured me that if there were any problems he could return or exchange it and we could shop together for a new ring (we live in France and I am leaving to go back to the states for two months in just one day). My major issue with the ring is the boutique from which it came. Although the price tag of the ring does not concern me, I have read horrible reviews about the boutique and about the quality of the jewelry there (rings breaking, stones breaking, white gold turning yellow after only 4 months, the guarantee and certificate of authenticity not being valued, etc.). After wearing the ring only two days, and taking special care of it, a part of the white gold band is "nicked" already. A huge part of me wants to take the ring back and shop elsewhere, but I do like the ring, and I especially don't want to hurt his feelings or seem ungrateful. What should I do??

 

Are you serious? Just be greatful that he wants to marry you. I don't think you realise how lucky you are and how many girls would kill to be in your situation...and all you are doing is complaining about your ring? Jeezus...I wonder if i should feel bad for the guy you're marrying...

[sally4sara]

I use to think it was hella silly to expect a guy to go out and somehow pick the perfect ring to surprise his girl with. It just always sounded like a good way to set him up to fail. Something that usually only works out in the movies.

It just made more sense to me to be realistic about it and go pick it out together or he could ask for examples. I guess I always thought it was at the girl's preference that he pick it out without her input and if that be the case, considered it really bratty to complain about what he picked out.

I've found out this isn't the case a lot of time. Many women I have talked to tried to be a part of the choosing process only to have the guy be the one pitching a fit about how HE was suppose to pick out what she would be wearing on her finger for potentially forever without her input at all. What is with that?

With the work I do, it would be ridiculous and hindering for me to have some gaudy thing stacked up on my finger. It would be ridiculous looking for me to have any stone larger than I have on my small hands. I wear a 4.25 ring size! If my BF had gone out and picked even some of the more standard designs it would've HAD to go back or I would've been constantly having to remove it and risk loosing it.

Also, I recently heard that the two months salary deal had changed to three months. What!?! I would feel like a seriously self absorbed schmuck to walk around with what amounted to a nice car on my finger while I know there are people struggling just to afford to put enough gas in their tank to get to work. Even the two months standard just seems irresponsible. Hell, someone has already tried to mug me in my area and I wasn't wearing any jewelry at the time.

I think the guy insisting on picking out a ring on his own and the girl not really digging it happens more than people think. I've noticed a lot of women wearing just their band after a few years in. Now the more expensive thing sits in their jewelry box collecting dust.

[sb129]

Guess I got lucky then. WB insisted he pick mine (well, he had to, I had no idea that he was even going to propose!), and he did a brilliant job.

 

To be fair, he did have an idea of what sort of jewellery I liked beforehand, so he didn't have to go shopping completely clueless.

 

And he will get a boat after we get married. One that I get to pick. It might even be pink.

[trust]

Guess I got lucky then. WB insisted he pick mine (well, he had to, I had no idea that he was even going to propose!), and he did a brilliant job.

 

To be fair, he did have an idea of what sort of jewellery I liked beforehand, so he didn't have to go shopping completely clueless.

 

And he will get a boat after we get married. One that I get to pick. It might even be pink.

 

Enough with the boat. I lost my boat to a ring. A ring to girl. And a girl to a divorce. Hey, I'm hanging out with you and your husband. It's cheaper than buying another boat. Just kidding.

[trust]

Which reminds me... a woman who runs an adjacent department got tired of us borrowing her departmental golf cart. She bought a new pink one. Problem solved. LOL We wouldn't be caught dead in that thing.

[sb129]

Enough with the boat. I lost my boat to a ring. A ring to girl. And a girl to a divorce. Hey, I'm hanging out with you and your husband. It's cheaper than buying another boat. Just kidding.

 

 

I already have my ring, and there will be no resetting of the stone or any of that rubbish. And my fiance and I have a deal regarding the boat. I told him your story and he was horrified- he thinks your ex is evil.

 

I love fresh fish and diving too, so getting a boat is in my interests too, esp if we end up living near the coast which we plan to do! Come on over.

[trust]

I already have my ring, and there will be no resetting of the stone or any of that rubbish. And my fiance and I have a deal regarding the boat. I told him your story and he was horrified- he thinks your ex is evil.

 

I love fresh fish and diving too, so getting a boat is in my interests too, esp if we end up living near the coast which we plan to do! Come on over.

 

*hug* I like your fiance already. You guys are so nice. You sound like good people. My story? You don't know the half of it... I'll spare you the negativity and save it for the guys who are going through it right now.

 

Funny on the boat. I'm trying not to say too much on here... the more I give away the more likely someone will figure out who I am. But...my ex had a talk with me shortly after marriage. She said that if I ever buy her a gift, it can't be a "we gift". Then she gave an example. She said if it were her birthday, I wouldn't get her something for the house (because that's a we gift). That boat gift would never fly in my marriage. The ring was a "you" gift so you wouldn't be able to give a "we gift" in return. She got cars, jewelry, clothes, a boob job, shoes (over 300 pair). Of alllllllllll the gifts that were given, do you want to know what "me gifts" I walked away with? I never kept score of the gifts because I was going to be married until death do us part. My only "me gift" was a Ronco rotisserie! The only "me gifts" that I received, I used for my business. And guess what? She got half of my business! So I had to pay her for my gifts TWICE while she didn't have to split anything! Stupid me. Live and learn.

 

Guys, if you are reading this...live and learn from the mistakes of others!

[sb129]

You should ask for half the boob job back. Ha!

[sb129]

PS.

Trust- when my fiances ex cheated on him, he destroyed her entire shoe collection (about 200 pairs).

 

Quote "there was nothing left but a smouldering pile of staples left on the back lawn. Lighter fuel + shoes = therapy."

 

Its good to know these things before you marry someone. Cheating is not OK, so if I do it I know whats in store for me....

[sally4sara]

My story? You don't know the half of it... I'll spare you the negativity and save it for the guys who are going through it right now.

 

 

Please be careful about doing that. I'm not sure how much more Woggle can can take before his head explodes in anger!

[trust]

Please be careful about doing that. I'm not sure how much more Woggle can can take before his head explodes in anger!

 

LOL The negativity is scattered about! Just click my name and read my previous posts for more parts of the story. I'm a classy guy but that divorce was completely Jerry Springer.

 

I might need to back away from this stuff. Talking about it again is making me sick to my stomach. I'm starting to remember just how devastatingly sick I was feeling coming out of my divorce years ago.

 

@sb129 that activity is a criminal offense where I live. Besides, she only would have trashed my stuff immediately afterwards. I did get a *little* bit of satisfaction but I'd never admit to any of that stuff publicly. That cockroach she was sleeping with did dump my ex soon after she divorced me for him. He gave her the whole line about leaving his wife one day and all that crap. Funny thing is, I knocked on the door to his home, only to have his wife answer the door. I had no idea he was married. Guess where his wife and I went? Out for coffee. I filled her in on all the info my Private Investigator gave me, including her husband's phone calls and meetings with my wife at 3am at HIS SECOND HOME when he said he was working late. Guess what his wife did? Divorced him for it 5 months later. Sucks to be him. Poor wife of the cockroach. She was PISSED. And she had a nervous break down. None of it was funny though. There is a very low place in hell for that cockroach and my ex. People who do this kind of stuff don't stop to think about all the destruction they cause when they cheat. I hate cheaters.

 

We should start a thread titled, "How Jerry Spring was your divorce?" I guarantee you I'd win.