Confrontation Tonight! SOS

[Jolene]

My husband's sister invited herself over tonight for a meeting (confrontation) to hash out some tension in the air that's been lingering for awhile. My husband has always bent over backwards to help her when she asks and over the past year she's been asking a lot of favours for him/us to babysit her three young kids.

 

I stopped helping him when her requests got more frequent and regular. I've told him she is taking advantage and monopolizing our family time.

 

But his rebuttal is that (suddenly, since this is different than a few years ago when we got married), he is totally okay with going to her house to babysit his nieces for the sake of spending time with them and being "involved in their lives". He thinks that I am unreasonable about trying to put a stop to her frequent regular requests, but he seems to be ready to embrace it and declare that he is into being her regular babysitter every three weeks.

 

He sees his family quite alot and sees the nieces at family get togethers like normal people. Suddenly he wants to be all involved with them?

 

In my opinion, he could be doing a better job of being involved with my son, who is 9 and has no other father figure involved.

 

Anyway, I finally snapped at a bridal shower on the weekend, so he agreed to let his sister over to hash this all out.

 

Is it appropriate for him to agree to her proposal even though she never calls me directly and suddenly wants to have a face to face? I mean, I think they are ganging up on me tonight and I might have to make a very difficult decision to divorce him because of his lack of support. I am not an angel, but I do deserve a good husband.

 

Is it really possible that all she wants to do is come over and resolve the issues or is she ****-disturbing and my husband is about to be divorced because I can't take it anymore?

 

I know it's alot, but I didn't sleep at all last night and I don't want to continue on this emotional roller coaster like the last three years with him and his sister slowly forming plans while they discuss things at work before I get wind...and by then it's basically a plan since he'll come home and tell me the plan thinking he's consulted me or given my opinion any merit.

 

is it wrong for me to not want him to go off babysitting every three weeks when she comes home rather late on those nights as well and so does he??

[The Collector]

You certainly seem intent on framing it as confrontationally as possible and turning it into an unnecessary drama. How often does he babysit? Once every three weeks?? How much time does he spend with your child? Are you living together with your child? These are important details you have missed out. Even so, can't you approach this meeting with an eye on constructive resolution rather than preparing for battle? There are children involved here.

 

He's perfectly entitled to spend as much time with his nieces and nephews as they are all confortable with, and it's nice that he wants to help out his sister. If he complained to you that he felt taken advantage of, that would be different.

 

You're 'no angel'? What do you mean by that? You are difficult, abusive or cheat? Maybe he needs some space for you sometimes. If you would really divorce him and deny your child another male role model (where is her father? What happened there?) because he wants to be close to his family, I can't see your relationship is very strong - maybe you are just looking for an excuse to end it?

[angie2443]

 

Is it appropriate for him to agree to her proposal even though she never calls me directly and suddenly wants to have a face to face? I mean, I think they are ganging up on me tonight and I might have to make a very diefficult decision to divorce him because of his lack of support. I am not an angel, but I do deserve a good husband.

 

The problem is, I believe, that there are three people in this marriage. There should only be two, you and your husband. By having her come over to resolve a problem that you are having with your husband, she is gaining power in the marriage. This should really be resolved between you and your husband.

 

How many times per week does your husband visit her and his family?

[Jolene]

How many times per week does your husband visit her and his family?

 

She works at the same company in the same building. He sees her every day pretty much. He sees her children a few times a month not including his new recruitment to babysit every three weeks on top of regular family events.

 

Is he pushing me away? Why would he do this to me and allow his sister to walk all over us?

 

She is coming over because I finally upset her and made her very angry. He thinks she wants to resolve problems, I think she wants to make us get a divorce.

[theBrokenMuse]

is it wrong for me to not want him to go off babysitting every three weeks when she comes home rather late on those nights as well and so does he??

 

Spending time with his nieces once every three weeks isn't all that often. I know people who spend time with their siblings and their children a few times a week because they live so close by. Some families are a whole lot closer than others. It sounds like you feel somewhat jealous of his relationships with his extended family members.

[Jolene]

Spending time with his nieces once every three weeks isn't all that often. I know people who spend time with their siblings and their children a few times a week because they live so close by. Some families are a whole lot closer than others. It sounds like you feel somewhat jealous of his relationships with his extended family members.

 

Maybe our marriage has been broken for a long time and I just see him as being more loyal to his outside family than his nuclear one.....I wanted him to support me and protect me, not put me up against his family. He's suggested in the past that if I don't help him babysit his sister's kids, he'll stop helping me with my son.

 

This was a huge disconnection for me. Our relationship has been broken ever since, in my opinion. Things have definitely changed, and he is not as involved with my son no matter what I do with and for his family. It eats me alive that he would put me up against his sister this way.

[D-Lish]

I don't think babysitting his neices and nephews once every three weeks is unreasonable. So he basically sees them 4 times a month? I see my nephew more often then that- and look after him whenever they need me to. To be honest, I would be resentful if my husband tried to put a stop to that- because it's my brother, and I want to spend times with him and his kids.

 

I think your issues run deeper here. It sounds like you don't feel your husband loves your son, or involves himself in his life enough.

That sounds like a more reasonable issue then being upset he wants to spend time with his nieces and nephews. I am betting it wouldn't be a problem for you if you felt he was making the effort to be more of a father figure to your son.

 

What happened at the shower that resulted in an arguement?

[Jolene]

What happened at the shower that resulted in an arguement?

 

Honestly, she said something to the effect of having to talk with him about how late she came home on Friday night when he babysat, so I jumped on it and said yeah it's really late and getting to be a habit.

 

Then I did the most dispicable thing....I engaged her mother in law who doesn't always get along with her and I told her mother in law all the dirt I could muster up in order get my revenge and make her squirm in her marriage the way I've been because of her for the past few years.

 

That's why his sister is coming over, to sabotage me and reveal to my husband the malicious gossip I dumped about his sister on to her mother in law.....some true stuff and some opinion but all very damaging and hurtful.

 

IF I apologize, can I avoid gaining myself an instant divorce? Will this ever go away? I don't think his sister can forgive me. She's done inconsiderate things to me and my husband in the past and gotten away with it, so I get angry (jealous).

[Untouchable_Fire]

IF I apologize, can I avoid gaining myself an instant divorce? Will this ever go away? I don't think his sister can forgive me. She's done inconsiderate things to me and my husband in the past and gotten away with it, so I get angry (jealous).

 

You need to apologize because you feel regret for what you did, not because you want to avoid consequences.

 

If your son is not his... why do you want your husband to play daddy? I don't think it's reasonable or fair to expect that. The kid should already have a father... right?

[The Collector]

I don't know why you are so sure you 'deserve a good husband.' No one automatically deserves a good partner, it's something you earn with love, support and good behaviour.

 

You do 'despicable' things then forgive yourself or rationalize it later. You compare your short-comings with the exaggerated faults of others and think 'I'm not so bad.' This is avoidance, we can all make ourselves feel better by comparing ourselves with Hitler.

 

Rather than projecting your insecurities and unhappiness on your partners sister and family, maybe you should work on your destructive and drama-seeking behaviour. If not for yourself, then for your child.

 

Use this meeting to apologize.

[2sunny]

apologize when she arrives! what you did was very hurtful.

 

you started a great deal of gossip and are about to suffer the consequences that gossip brings about.

 

what she does is really none of your business. if you have opinions or questions about any of her actions or words it should be taken directly to HER. NOT to your husband or her MIL or anyone else.

 

if your husband chooses to help his sister - that is HIS choice! why are you mad about it? it's a nice thing that he is willing to help her. you should feel fortunate to have married such a giving and caring person.

 

support him and her in there relationship as loving siblings... and take notes so you can learn along the way.

 

let her know that what you did was inappropriate and you don't blame her for being upset with you. then - from here forward - keep your mouth closed when tempted with gossip... it's very destructive.

[Jolene]

let her know that what you did was inappropriate and you don't blame her for being upset with you. then - from here forward - keep your mouth closed when tempted with gossip... it's very destructive.

 

I feel regret for doing it in such mode of revenge, for sure. I was so mad I was shaking. Should have stayed home.

 

Is this even forgiveable by either of them?

 

I do believe that they will punish me together, by making sure she brings her kids to our house very regularly and he will go to visit her more than ever before, taking our family time to an all-time minimum. I guess I frustrated the problem and made it worse, but my issue has been that he wants to help her and appear to be generous and giving to the outside world, but he is not available to me emotionally most of the time, and is very controlling and condescending. He is great when the wind blows in his direction, but at home he is not at all what he appears to be with other people outside. He doesn't do even small things I ask him to do, so I wonder why he jumps at doing big favours for his sister and regularly. He'd never treat her or anyone else the way he treats me a lot of the time, especially when I am trying to talk about our relationship and come to resolve a problem....he acts like he doesn't understand anything I say.

[whichwayisup]

You and your husband need to go to marriage counselling and he needs to figure out WHO it is he is going to put number one. You and your son or his sister and her kids.

 

I think she wants to make us get a divorce.

 

If your marriage dissolves because of her interferrance, then it wasn't meant to be. HE has to set boundries up with his sister and make sure SHE understands that YOU are just as important in his life. Unfortunately, I think your H is abit of a p*ssy and it's easier for him to say no to you, disappoint you, rather than say no to his sis and deal with her reaction and disappointment.

 

Solve this, otherwise your marriage WILL fall apart even more.

 

THEN, deal with her. Right now the issues are between you and your H.

[2sunny]

You and your husband need to go to marriage counselling and he needs to figure out WHO it is he is going to put number one. You and your son or his sister and her kids.

 

 

 

If your marriage dissolves because of her interferrance, then it wasn't meant to be. HE has to set boundries up with his sister and make sure SHE understands that YOU are just as important in his life. Unfortunately, I think your H is abit of a p*ssy and it's easier for him to say no to you, disappoint you, rather than say no to his sis and deal with her reaction and disappointment.

 

Solve this, otherwise your marriage WILL fall apart even more.

 

THEN, deal with her. Right now the issues are between you and your H.

 

i usually agree with you WWIU - but in this case i don't.

 

she inflamed this situation and needs to take responsibility for the nasty role she played in bringing down the SIL with a purpose.

 

the revenge she took out on SIL for her husband's actions are not validated here. they should be dealt with separately. there is tough work to be done.

 

OP - you certainly have your work cut out for you... best of luck in all of it... let us know how things go.

[whichwayisup]

Ok, I didn't see that part of the post...Yes, she should apologize for the gossiping and backstabbing. That was a low thing to do and probably made the situation alot worse.

 

He's suggested in the past that if I don't help him babysit his sister's kids, he'll stop helping me with my son.

 

Again, you and your husband have alot more going on that needs to be sorted out and if he doesn't see himself as stepfather to your child, then you need to think about getting out of the marriage. That isn't fair for your son, to feel like a second class citizen, unimportant and ignored by his stepfather.

 

This was a huge disconnection for me. Our relationship has been broken ever since, in my opinion. Things have definitely changed, and he is not as involved with my son no matter what I do with and for his family. It eats me alive that he would put me up against his sister this way.

 

Yup, this is the sort of stuff that can end a marriage, reguardless of how much you love him.

[2sunny]

to make amends - why don't you consider doing the babysitting for a few times instead of your husband? try participating in a kind way to your SIL - she may need the help more than you understand and only allows her brother to know how much she is desperate.

 

if it were me - i would tell my immediate family - but not the in laws. maybe this is why he steps up to help. if you were to do it - your hubby would certainly appreciate the kind gesture - and so would she.

[Jolene]

to make amends - why don't you consider doing the babysitting for a few times instead of your husband? try participating in a kind way to your SIL - she may need the help more than you understand and only allows her brother to know how much she is desperate.

 

if it were me - i would tell my immediate family - but not the in laws. maybe this is why he steps up to help. if you were to do it - your hubby would certainly appreciate the kind gesture - and so would she.

 

Like, a big reason why I fell in love and wanted to marry my husband in the first place is because he used to give ME this kind of help. Now I don't get any relief from him and I am very much a couped up working mother and wife. I can't justify giving to his sister the very thing he has taken away from me. Those are HER children....if I wanted to take care of three children, I would have had three children. It's a lot to ask. I have a full time job with stress, good pay but at the end of the week, I am pooped but still have housework and little time. It's tiring. So I resent his rushing to help his sister. He's changed the dynamic all of a sudden. What if he were like this when I first met him, do you think I would have married him? Not a chance. I am looking out for my son, and my husband let me down tremendously in that respect when he shifted his priorities.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am looking out for my son, and my husband let me down tremendously in that respect when he shifted his priorities.

 

What is the relationship situation between your son and your husband?

[Jolene]

What is the relationship situation between your son and your husband?

 

Honestly, my son calls him dad, but the novelty has worn off for my husband even though he denies it he is not as enthousiastic about the relationship with my son as he used to be. Never takes him to ball games or anywhere one on one. Used to take him to cub scout events, but that novelty wore off, especially when he'd cancel those plans to babysit for his sister (huge disconnect there for me). So, my son has been kept at a distance for quite some time and I only think it will hurt him in the long run, but he is not stupid either. He takes what he can from the relationship, but sees me as his primary emotional support. My husband is more like a friend to my son. I think my son likes to be able to say he has a "dad", and the two income lifestyle is nice, but truth be told, he'd be more upset about having to move and change schools than he would about missing my husband in reality. My husband doesn't spend much quality time with either of us anymore. His mother was sick and died during last year and we bought a new house, but none of the events he uses as an excuse to disassociate from my son came into play any old time his sister wanted a babysitter or help moving furniture or basically anything she asks for. Of course it makes me mad. Hurt

[whichwayisup]

The novelty never should wear off, especially since HE is the adult here, the stepfather.

 

I feel for your son.

[Jolene]

The novelty never should wear off, especially since HE is the adult here, the stepfather.

 

I feel for your son.

 

He should never have used my son as a pawn to get what he wants from me and also now that he is not as involved with my son doing things with him but wants to be involved more closely with his sister's children, yes, I also feel for my son because my husband is in denial of his lack of commitment to the relationship he is supposed to have with my son.

 

But I can't make him feel something he can't or doesn't feel. I can move out of the house, though, before too much time passes and it becomes a total shift in priorities and who is getting the actual quality time.

 

We watch movies together and go on the occasional weekend trip and vacations, but during the year we typically do errands around the house, visit mainly HIS family and not a lot more these days. The level of interest in doing things as a family anymore surely seems to have waned while my husband makes his position that I ought not prevent him from having a relationship with his nieces all of a sudden.

 

I am heartsick. I don't understand. He thinks everything is fine.

[whichwayisup]

You need to tell him to start acting like your husband and be more involved in making you and your son feel like a family, or it's divorce time.

 

Anyway, suggest marriage counselling, even if he thinks everything is fine. Trust me, he KNOWS everything isn't fine, he just is too lazy to change and put effort in.

[Jolene]

You need to tell him to start acting like your husband and be more involved in making you and your son feel like a family, or it's divorce time.

 

Anyway, suggest marriage counselling, even if he thinks everything is fine. Trust me, he KNOWS everything isn't fine, he just is too lazy to change and put effort in.

 

I've seriously suggested counselling and he laughs at me and says everything is fine. Probably too lazy, and probably willing to divorce instead of counselling.

 

He wants to get me pregnant and have a baby, but I'm not sure if I want to have a baby with someone who wants to be off at his sister's babysitting and visiting his family and friends in between....if the relationship he has with my son is any indication, the novelty of the baby would wear off too and I would be overburdened, lonely and isolated more than ever. Some people think it would make him more committed and closer to me, but I think that is naive. Like most things so far, the novelty would wear off as long as it belongs to his nuclear environment. Anyone on the outside looking in seems to get the better of him. Weird.

[whichwayisup]

I've seriously suggested counselling and he laughs at me and says everything is fine. Probably too lazy, and probably willing to divorce instead of counselling.

 

If he truly feels this way, divorce him. His loss, not yours.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT get pregnant by him. That is NOT going to fix your marriage, or make him a better father.

[Jolene]

If he truly feels this way, divorce him. His loss, not yours.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT get pregnant by him. That is NOT going to fix your marriage, or make him a better father.

 

Yeah, for sure! Why on earth does he want to get me pregnant when he doesn't seem all that inclined with the one he had a chance with? I do think his sister's children will also be a novelty to wear off his patience when good and ready. Generally, I don't think he is good with children because of his selfish nature, but he certainly wants people to see him as a loving and nurturing parent! But loving parents do not use their children as pawns in a relationship, right?