Confrontation Tonight! SOS

[nittygritty]

Maybe it would help if he took your son with him to babysit your nieces. It sounds like a lot of your resentment is coming from needing his help with taking care of your son and if that's the case, him taking your son to his sister's house to babysit every three weeks might be something you would eventually look forward to.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe it would help if he took your son with him to babysit your nieces

 

In all honesty, I think it would make the poor kid feel worse, as he would see how loving his stepfather is with his neices and wonder why he isn't like that at home. Think that is asking for disaster..Plus, if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't trust him let alone his sister to look after him properly.

[Jolene]

Maybe it would help if he took your son with him to babysit your nieces. It sounds like a lot of your resentment is coming from needing his help with taking care of your son and if that's the case, him taking your son to his sister's house to babysit every three weeks might be something you would eventually look forward to.

 

He offers to do that so my son can play with the older girl. Problem with that is his sister comes home pretty late (see taking advantage), and so my son would have to sleep over and that causes my husband to either sleep over take another trip to her house in the morning and spend even more time in her reality. Basically, I want to protect our family time and limit his family monopolizing our time (because they have done so a lot over the past year). I am a big stickler for independence and individuality and not letting people take advantage especially when you are helping them

[2sunny]

in all honesty - i see your post as it's all about ME ME ME! poor, poor me!

 

step up and be a giver and see if it makes a difference instead of trying to take take take from your husband and his family.

[Jolene]

in all honesty - i see your post as it's all about ME ME ME! poor, poor me!

 

step up and be a giver and see if it makes a difference instead of trying to take take take from your husband and his family.

 

Precisely the argument my husband made when he used my son as a pawn in our relationship. It's not enough, I guess, to give him all my money, time, attention and clean the house, cook, laundry and loyalty intimately. Like what I said to him "you mean all I've contributed which is all I can give is STILL not enough?"

 

Maybe it isn't. Maybe I missed something. That being said, my family is very low maintenance for him because they live far away and my one sister has no children and helps me when she can. See how my husband has it easy and yet makes demands that I must contribute outside of our nuclear family or it is not enough for him? He feels that being there for my son is the equivalent of being there for his extended family. Does that sound fair? I am just vouching for what is right and fair because I want my son to always know he is special and he comes first in my life even if not in my husband's sometimes. Guess I need to just stop fighting my husband to be something he isn't.

[nittygritty]

He offers to do that so my son can play with the older girl. Problem with that is his sister comes home pretty late (see taking advantage), and so my son would have to sleep over and that causes my husband to either sleep over take another trip to her house in the morning and spend even more time in her reality. Basically, I want to protect our family time and limit his family monopolizing our time (because they have done so a lot over the past year). I am a big stickler for independence and individuality and not letting people take advantage especially when you are helping them

 

There is no reason for your husband to sleep over but why not let your son sleep over and rather than your husband picking your son up the next morning, you and your husband should spend all day together doing something fun while his sister babysits your son. His sister needs to reciprocate rather than just take advantage of your husband's kindness.

 

Tonight, try to be calm, kind and collected when all of you talk and just tell his sister that your husband and you have no problem with helping her out with babysitting but that you and your husband need her help with babysitting your son too. Apologize for overstepping your boundaries with her MIL by talking bad about her and explain that you have been feeling resentful lately of the situation.

[Jolene]

Tonight, try to be calm, kind and collected when all of you talk and just tell his sister that your husband and you have no problem with helping her out with babysitting but that you and your husband need her help with babysitting your son too. Apologize for overstepping your boundaries with her MIL by talking bad about her and explain that you have been feeling resentful lately of the situation.

 

That would be great, but I really hesitate to ask her for a reciprocal arrangement based on her taking advantage already. Imagine if we asked for the favours in return.....we'd never stop seeing her and her children at our doorstep and she'd always be asking for more time to suit her agenda. This is my fear. Slight exaggeration, but you get the point.

[nittygritty]

That would be great, but I really hesitate to ask her for a reciprocal arrangement based on her taking advantage already. Imagine if we asked for the favours in return.....we'd never stop seeing her and her children at our doorstep and she'd always be asking for more time to suit her agenda. This is my fear. Slight exaggeration, but you get the point.

 

Your husband could resent you if you try to interfere with his relationship with his family, even though that is what you feel like his sister is doing to your marriage.

 

I understand if your not wanting to ask for her help because you don't want to feel any more obligations to her or like you owe her but from everything you've said it sounds like it would be a long time before she could call it even.

 

I think your best bet is to start requiring her to reciprocate babysitting or whatever else she "borrows". Being a martyr to feel "justified" isn't going to get you what you need which is more alone time with your husband and family and for her to back off. I would bet that if she knew that she would have to repay the babysitting favors and whatever else she "borrows", she wouldn't be able to take advantage of the situation and she would eventually stop asking for so many favors.

[Jolene]

I would bet that if she knew that she would have to repay the babysitting favors and whatever else she "borrows", she wouldn't be able to take advantage of the situation and she would eventually stop asking for so many favors.

 

I could try that and have thought of it, but my husband doesn't seem to have a set of balls to call her on her inconsiderate behaviours of the past and so if she fails to reciprocate, he'll do nothing and say well she has three kids you know (like always, it's the ultimate excuse). So we're back at square one, but I could try it on a trial basis with the understanding that if she lets us down, no more deals.

 

My husband keeps suggesting asking her to babysit in return, but again we'll be seeing her every weekend I just know it and I don't want that. I didn't marry her. Anyway, I have noticed on several occasions in the past where my husband would rather take the long hard road than ask his sister or her husband for help even though they owe him bigtime. I don't get that, so I am reluctant to get stuck in a so-called reciprocal arrangement when my husband doesn't really intend on holding her accountable. But we could talk about it in our little meeting, I guess.

[2sunny]

put yourself in your husband's shoes for a moment to understand that he is trying to make everyone happy and getting criticism from you.

 

fyi - he will not turn his back on his sister! it is his BLOOD relative and he seems to be a giving soul.

 

better to change your perspective and approach to make it work somehow...

 

you will lose him if you keep up this attitude of being jealous and critical of his time helping her.

[Jolene]

Hello all, and thanks for your input as it really did help.

 

She came over and was very gentle and understanding about the whole thing. Now I know she isn’t manipulating him. I really don’t think she knows or understands how hubby is his own worst enemy in this marriage, so as long as he keeps telling her he/we are on board for spending oodles of time with her and the kids, there is nothing she or I can do about his domineering and self-destructing attitude at home of disregarding if I say I don't want to for example babysit on a certain night in our house. Is he still learning? No, I think he really has to have things his way and so he takes measures that he should not take to get the wind blowing in his own direction. That is the deeper issue that causes our marriage breakdown. She was just the symptom, so I told her this realization and that we'll work on it. I don’t think he’ll get it on his own, but maybe he will improve on that like I suggested to him and his sister. Now she knows, but she still won’t know what’s really going on in the marriage and I can’t hold her responsible.

 

So, from now on I will give when I can to the cause, love and protect my son and hold him tighter to my heart because although I can forgive hubby for putting a wedge in our marriage I can never forget his apocalyptic response to this problem by withdrawing from my son to be spiteful.

 

Bottom line....my son will graciously take what he can get as long as he is not being abused. My son is very accepting and adaptable. He wants a dad, and I want him to have one. But hubby on the other side of the coin will never really know what it is like to love a child like a parent does…..he may think he is honourable and family-oriented, but until he really gets it (and I don’t think he ever will unless we had a kid of our own), he won’t get it from his nieces because they aren’t with him 24/7, and he’s already had his kick at the can with my son and seems to have failed to make that connection.

 

I think he wants to experience love in his life but goes about it wrong and sometimes does things that are counterproductive to his cause.

 

But as long as the wind blows in his direction, right? At least we know the boundaries now. I don’t feel so angry anymore but this was a giant learning experience for me, hopefully for him, and I got to know his sister better. I look forward to spending more time with all of the kids, but I look forward to keeping my own identity in tact as well. Our family time is not preserved as it might have been in the earlier stages, but I am willing to share my time with his family more and find time for myself and my friends and family the same way....maybe all couples get to that point. Maybe it's normal and I just wasn't ready yet, feeling more compelled to protect our own family time.

[toughchoices]

I'm glad the meeting went well with the SIL. I have read through the posts and don't know what the answer is but did want to add some input. One thing you may want to do if you haven't already is tell your husband how much it would mean to you and also your son if he was genuinely more involved and attentive to him. Here is where perhaps flattery can work by pointing out how well he does with his nieces, etc. He does interact well with children but you wish he could display more of that with your son.

 

Is he getting something more out of the extended family interactions than with you? Could there be other underlying issues in your interactions which may make him seek another avenue for validation? It didn't seem to me like there were other issues in the relationship such as money tensions, abuse, gambling, etc.

 

As others have stated I would be hesitant about having a child with him at this point. If he has a closer "family" connection with the nieces imagine how he may treat your son if he then has a biological child. Your son wouldn't deserve to be second fiddle. Just my thoughts.

[LakesideDream]

Like, a big reason why I fell in love and wanted to marry my husband in the first place is because he used to give ME this kind of help. Now I don't get any relief from him and I am very much a couped up working mother and wife. I can't justify giving to his sister the very thing he has taken away from me. Those are HER children....if I wanted to take care of three children, I would have had three children. It's a lot to ask. I have a full time job with stress, good pay but at the end of the week, I am pooped but still have housework and little time. It's tiring. So I resent his rushing to help his sister. He's changed the dynamic all of a sudden. What if he were like this when I first met him, do you think I would have married him? Not a chance. I am looking out for my son, and my husband let me down tremendously in that respect when he shifted his priorities.

 

Jolene, you are a real upside down puppy. You married a guy because he helped you and was a great babysitter... now your angry because he's finding time to help his sister?

 

You married him for "relief" from duties at home now your pooped and jealous of him participation in his extended family?

 

You married this guy because you were "looking out for your son"... not because you were in love with him... not because he was a great piece of tail... or even because he was rich. You married him because you needed a daddy for your child from a previous relationship.

 

Let him go. He needs a chance to be a happy man, all he can expect from you is to be a successful male nanny. Personably I find your attitude despicable.

[Jolene]

Let him go. He needs a chance to be a happy man, all he can expect from you is to be a successful male nanny. Personably I find your attitude despicable.

 

On the contrary, when deciding to marry him and give up my own independence, I hesitated in the beginning to allow him to get that close to my son and to do me "favours" for the fear of what I might owe him in return or to rely on him for the fear of what would happen if the relationship faltered. He seemed willing and eager to participate, so I allowed it. When he used the kids as leverage, I realized there was a disconnection with my son, and so ever since I've made sure that there is nothing my husband does for me that I cannot do myself if he were to withdraw when the wind blows in the wrong direction.

 

I think he's getting better with controlling his anger, but I have often thought the same thing with regard to having his own child with me would mean a lot of behaviour in my husband that would make my son feeling absolute second fiddle. I could be wrong.

 

My husband knew what he was getting into and I wouldn't have married him if he didn't participate in the parental role, seeing as he wants a child of his own. So, I don't utilize him as a babysitter/nanny at all, so my point is "why should his sister????" I find it to be emasculating, especially when he justifies it by saying it is an opportunity to spend time with the kids. Don't most people take their nieces and nephews to the zoo or to the museum or something fun once in awhile and that should suffice?

 

Anyway, I'm hip to the plan, so there are worse things that can happen and he seems much happier already. How dispicable is that????? I'm supportive of his extended nannyhood.

[Walk]

I'm just throwing out a theory here...

 

From what you described it sounds as if your SIL convinces your hubby that she wants and needs his help with her kids (in addition to him wanting to help). I also get the impression that you are hesitant to ask for, or express desire for his help.

 

In my experience, it makes most people feel better when we feel our efforts and good deeds are desired and appreciated. If your SIL is convincing your hubby that what he's doing is a valued part of their family relationship, while you are attempting to shield yourself and your son from receiving anything from your hubby that you can't duplicate on your own, then it could push him away from doing the things for you that he does for his sister. The more valued he feels for his time and energy, the harder he'll work to duplicate those.

 

Maybe that wasn't very clear, but I know most people want to feel like their actions are worthwhile to someone. That what they are giving is valued and appreciated. If you've always been hesitant about asking for or receiving what your husband can give, and you normally aren't clearly receptive to his offers, then it could leave a person feeling unwanted, unappreciated for what they do. At that point, most people would turn to areas where they do feel appreciated, where their efforts will make a difference to someone.

 

And I'm not saying you don't appreciate what he does, or attempt to show him your appreciation... but maybe your message isn't coming across to him in a way that speaks to him?

[Jolene]

And I'm not saying you don't appreciate what he does, or attempt to show him your appreciation... but maybe your message isn't coming across to him in a way that speaks to him?

 

Yes, I generally believe he wants to be perceived as a giving person. I disconnected when he told me that if I didn't help him babysit his sister's kids that he'd be less willing to help me with my son. To me, this was a disconnect and it's when I stopped asking him for help for what I might fear I owe him in return.

 

So, throwing all that out the window because it was a mistake and didn't make the relationship any better for pulling back either way, I see that he wants me to be more giving, he wants to be giving in return.

 

My sister has told this recently, too, how he'll be more willing to help me and please me if I make a conscious effort to thank him and tell him when he's made me happy. Also, to be happy with little things and not just the big things.

 

All things considered, I'm willing to try it out. I do think he'll follow my lead if I do express my thanks and appreciation a lot more.

 

His sister, I think, should still realize that at some point her requests for help are a little too much. I have no control over it, so I have resolved to accept it and allow him to manage his time accordingly. I can't fight to preserve our family time if he doesn't value it quite as much as I do. Hopefully there WILL be a good balance, but I am still skeptical. Willing to try, though.

[michelangelo]

If my sister asked me for help with her kids, I'd do it willingly.

 

Why? Because she is my sister and for her to ask for help means something. She is my family as much as my wife and kids are.

 

Now, if it turned into me watching her kids for free so she could hit the pickup bars every weekend, we would have to have a talk about that.

 

If my impact on my nieces would improve their lives, I would not hesitate.

 

If my wife complained about it, I would be aghast.

 

But I would tell her to come along, be nice, and bring the kid.

 

In fact, I would definitely consider swapping babysitting time. Have my sister bring the kids over to my place, Be reciprocal.

 

Turning the whole dynamic into a war of who gets the most out of me would be a disappointment and drive a wedge into my marriage and my sibling relationship.

 

BTW, doesn't your son spend any time with his natural father? Also, did your h adopt him?

[Jolene]

Turning the whole dynamic into a war of who gets the most out of me would be a disappointment and drive a wedge into my marriage and my sibling relationship.

 

BTW, doesn't your son spend any time with his natural father? Also, did your h adopt him?

 

Well, this is all just complicated by the fact that his family has had a lot of get togethers in the past year due to a sick and dying parent and his family gets together alot to begin with. My husband was doing a lot of overtime as a result of missing work. On top of that, the little time he had left he would often delegate to babysitting for his sister which was frustrating. I have to think and say that I didn't get married so that I could have all this alone time. I didn't just want an extra mouth to cook for, more house to clean and someone to take my paycheck. There are emotional needs not being met, but I know I can be too needy as well. So, hopefully we'll both work on our inadequacies and forget the indiscretions of the past.

 

Now that everything is simmered down and the sick parent his passed away, he may want more closeness with his sister and nieces, yes.

 

But would you babysit for your sister once every two or three weeks on a regular basis plus your demanding job and regular family events once or twice a month? Like, who has time for all this? And when would there be time for my family IF my family were high maintenance as well (which they are not). That's worked out well for him.

 

You know, I can get used to it. I want his superior and condescending attitude to simmer down and I think we'll have this all sorted out.

 

My son's biological father never wanted anything to do with him, so he's been out of the picture from the time I was pregnant. Just left the scene. My husband has not adopted him because it would mean losing a substantial amount of monthly child support from the biological parent as a result.

[nittygritty]

Well, this is all just complicated by the fact that his family has had a lot of get togethers in the past year due to a sick and dying parent and his family gets together alot to begin with. My husband was doing a lot of overtime as a result of missing work. On top of that, the little time he had left he would often delegate to babysitting for his sister which was frustrating. I have to think and say that I didn't get married so that I could have all this alone time. I didn't just want an extra mouth to cook for, more house to clean and someone to take my paycheck. There are emotional needs not being met, but I know I can be too needy as well. So, hopefully we'll both work on our inadequacies and forget the indiscretions of the past.

 

Now that everything is simmered down and the sick parent his passed away, he may want more closeness with his sister and nieces, yes.

 

But would you babysit for your sister once every two or three weeks on a regular basis plus your demanding job and regular family events once or twice a month? Like, who has time for all this? And when would there be time for my family IF my family were high maintenance as well (which they are not). That's worked out well for him.

 

You know, I can get used to it. I want his superior and condescending attitude to simmer down and I think we'll have this all sorted out.

 

My son's biological father never wanted anything to do with him, so he's been out of the picture from the time I was pregnant. Just left the scene. My husband has not adopted him because it would mean losing a substantial amount of monthly child support from the biological parent as a result.

 

Whether you think so or not, a biological parent paying child support is something, even if you've had to continually fight for enforcement of it. I don't think it would emotionally be good for a kid to promote involvement with an abandoning parent so try to be grateful in that at least your child is receiving financial support from his bio dad which is something at least.

 

Could the abandonment that you may have felt during your pregnancy be a contributing factor in all of this? Are you being reasonable in regards to your expectations of your husband as your spouse and a stepparent towards your son and also your family relationship expectations?

 

It sounds like the two of you have different dynamics with your relationships with your siblings and parents and working out a reasonable compromise is going to take some time. Its important that you realize that your way is not necessarily right, nor is his way necessarily wrong. Both of you are right and wrong about some of it and I think it helps to start by being more understanding of each others differences. You don't have to agree with every quality about your spouse to love and treat them with respect.

[michelangelo]

But would you babysit for your sister once every two or three weeks on a regular basis plus your demanding job and regular family events once or twice a month? Like, who has time for all this? And when would there be time for my family IF my family were high maintenance as well (which they are not). That's worked out well for him.

 

of course i would, in a heartbeat. I'm not just chatting you up on this. My wife's niece as a senior in high school came to live with us because her mom and she were at the point of physical blows, she was getting Fs in school. She was suicidal. It was awful.

 

We literally saved her from a horrible life. 15 years ago. I helped her with her homework, pulled her grades up to Bs and let her know personally that she was loved and cared for.

 

We had two kids on our own and lived paycheck to paycheck. It was pretty tough to make the sacrifice.

 

Her own mother has never tried to pay us the money it took to care for her daughter for a year, nor the air flights to get her there and back.

 

But I don't care about that! all these years later my wife's niece is a wonderful person with a full and happy life. She is incredibly humble and grateful for the turnaround she credits me for doing.

 

I had two choices to make back when she asked to come to live with us.

 

1. Say no and be annoyed at those dang leeching relatives, always after my time and money.

 

2. Say yes, and help a family member in need.

 

 

Sometimes there is far more to the reason why someone needs our help than is articulated to spouses and others.

 

Being married to someone does not mean you are sliced off from the extended family.

 

And being married is certainly not just about tallying up the chores one does for the other and deciding if it is enough.

[Kenyth]

You and your husband remind me somewhat of my wife and I when we first started out.

 

I was a giver. My wife wanted me in part because of those giver qualities. Once we were married she expected I would drop everyone else's needs behind her's all the time. That didn't happen. I tried to divvy up my time and resources fairly and there wasn't enough to make everyone happy. I grew resentful of everyone, especially my wife whom I saw as trying to monopolize me. My marriage suffered greatly for it.

 

The problem was that I wanted to make everyone happy and didn't know how to prioritize or set boundaries. Sure, my wife wanted my attention and help a lot, and wanted our home to be attended to first, but that is not necessarily unreasonable. Also, when you agree to be a step-parent, it's not something you can just handle nonchalantly.

 

Sure, you are being a bit of a b!+(# and directed your anger at the wrong party, in the wrong way, but you do have a valid argument with your husband. Apologize to your sister in law for your inexcusable behavior born of marital frustration, and get both your butts into counseling. Make it a deal breaker to go. His method of marital problem solving is VERY passive agressive. He has to learn to work things through with you to the end, not stonewall you and deny there is a problem.

 

At the same time, you need to be a bit more flexible and accepting when it comes to his family. I think most of your resentment with your SIL is misdirected anger from your marriage. If you don't want to be ganged up on, I suggest a more constructive method when his sister comes over. Go for a drive with her, and leave him home! Apologize for you actions first, then let her know that you are misdirecting anger from you marriage at her. It's your husband with whom you are truly mad, not her. This is about communication, and him prioritizing his responsibilities, not about cutting her out of his life.