Home made love videos but still there is ..ugh Porn

[lemony fresh]

Do not stay with that man.

[rainfall]

No, just insecurity on the woman behalf......

 

 

Alot of the time it has nothing at all to do with being insecure. It is very hurtful to know that your SO is wishing he could sleep with other people and wishing you were taller,skinner,a red head,or had bigger boobs or whatever his "perfect fanstasy women" is.

 

The way I feel about myself has nothing to do with the way it would make me feel knowing my SO thinks there are other women that are better then me,who he would sleep with if only the pesky girlfriend wasn't in the way.

[lemony fresh]

Alot of the time it has nothing at all to do with being insecure. It is very hurtful to know that your SO is wishing he could sleep with other people and wishing you were taller,skinner,a red head,or had bigger boobs or whatever his "perfect fanstasy women" is.

 

The way I feel about myself has nothing to do with the way it would make me feel knowing my SO thinks there are other women that are better then me,who he would sleep with if only the pesky girlfriend wasn't in the way.

 

Yeah I kinda get tired of the guys on here who state "all guys do it" "Porn is natural instinct, just deal"

Sorry but I've never been in a relationship with a man who was into porn. It is not something that all guys do, or even want to do.

[trubella]

Sorry but I've never been in a relationship with a man who was into porn. It is not something that all guys do, or even want to do.

 

how do you know they werent?

[lemony fresh]

I'm pretty sure. My last serious relationship the guy really didn't have time and looking at pictures of trashy women didn't turn him on - he just wanted the real thing. Unattached sex wasn't something he was into. You spend enough time with a person, you know.

[hummingbird]

That's right; you satisfy him and probably keeping the sex new! No matter what you women think he's thinking, not all the love in the world will keep a person completely focused on you only. Just like you can't spend every hour with your mate; you need space for instance solitude or going out with your friends. It's inherent for all human beings to want change. Change doesn't mean disloyalty so please don't misconstrue that statement.... This is the same with everything else in life. OF COURSE that is true... I have never indicated that I want or need him completely focused on me. Acutally he has incredible freedoms and many opportunities to live his life without focusing on me or us at all. He has a very full agenda in his own life without any focus on me and that is never an issue.

As far as what I am addressing, it is relative to the physical and sexual intimacy and integrity of our relationship that I believe the focus should be on ..... not other women or porn.

He can have a super model as a girlfriend but if you're not pleasing him as often as he wants or keeping it new he might look somewhere else for a split second. Again, this doesn't mean he'll cheat or plan to cheat!!! A relationship is both Mental and physical stimulation. IF one is lacking or missing, the other can't pick it up. if you read my post, I stated that I KNOW he will find other women attractive and yes he will glance. .. no issues. I find it disrespectful when a guy makes a full head on turn or gawks in the presence of his SO.

 

Even if you do pleasure him, he is still going to stare and compare. Well, that is new and different because I have read lots and lots of responses that say guys AREN"T comparing their SO/women to those in porn or else where... so what is it... you compare but aren't honest about it. Comparing physical aspects of your woman to others to include porn is so setting up your woman for failure when it comes to porn..... aren't they always going to be hotter than your SO?? Guys can't help but look at other women. It's biological. He many look for a split second and say "damn that woman's HOT!!!" That's a male’s instinct. But seconds after he thinks, "I have something more special at home." That is called comparing the Hot to special at home.... but is she HOT at home too????.... you didn't say that. It seems that other woman is always hot, but at home she is just more special.. which don't get me wrong ..it is very nice... but that is it.. it is nice.. it isn't like she is a turn on in comparison then is it.???That's call a conscious.

Sure I see a guy who is hot.... great , so what he is hot...what do I care. My guy is HOT.. that is all that matters to me. Is that conscience or love and committment/deep satisfication? I DO NOT COMPARE HIM TO ANY ONE ELSE... why set myself up for constant the grass is greener syndrome???

 

ALL MEN DO IT! Some of the guys I've known who are still in love with their wife for 15 years have done it!! And if he’s telling you that he doesn't, he's lying dead in your face to keep you happy and secure. Only a "hopeless romance" woman would believe otherwise. Guys in here are trying to educate you on other guys thank you and where did it come across that I was appreciative or not trying to take your and their male perspecitive into consideration?????

and you ignore it because you're trapped in the fantasy of love and romance! "oh, that's not my guy! He never looks at other woman because he's with me!" if you read my above post, I clearly never indicated that or do that LOL!!! Be a fly on the wall in a room with your SO and his guy friends. You will be traumatized because you fail to understand that's how guys are. Woman compare too! If a woman sees a romantic couple doing something that her and her SO hasn't done or she wanted to do but her SO doesn't, she’ll bring it up one way or another. You woman can't tell me you haven't wanted or forced your SO to do something he really didn't want to do for you because you seen someone else do it. Whether it's surprise you with lunch at your job, give you a romantic massage when you come home, blindfold you to somewhere special, Send you a rose every hour, etc,. Whatever it was I know you've compared. comparisons of actions somehow don't seem to meet the context of what it is to have the man you love compare you to other women--

I don't think I have ever forced anything onto him..... requested, suggested, asked..but forced....no.

but, asking to take us out to a nice new restaurant doesn't seem hurtful to him .... but comparing my body to some 20something surely would. Truly you must see that.

 

When it truly comes to sex, hypothetically, If I play soccer all the time I wouldn't have time or interest to look at it... I'm doing it so much; looking at someone else doing it seems boring... And that's similar to how porn works for some guys.

 

But women don't want to be sex slaves for their SO to stop watching porn, which is understandable at times. But some of you use sex as a control mechanism whether self-consciously or subconsciously. That may be true... but don't some men use sex as a control mechanism?? Isn't the "control" aspect of porn part of its attraction...??? I would hate to think I use sex for control.... i actually love sex with him and would indulge with him as often as possible. It is never something to be used for control..... he seems to use it more as control because during our rough spots he denies time for us to be together so he can have his time to deal and climb into his man cave and thus denies me intimate times and intimacy.So when porn undermines that (because you're trying to train him like a puppy to have self-control) you feel jealous and powerlessness. SO you substitute that with he doesn't love me...

that is harsh as I do not feel I am trying to control him at all.... in fact, I try to give him the space and respect he needs and he certainly gets plenty of it.

I do wish he had a greater appreciation of my feelings and our past and its impact on me....actually, if he were more like MR LUCKY in his views and attitudes about porn..... I would feel LUCKY....

occasionally eating junk food would be okay because certainly he would know that the best filet was at home but once in a while a fast food fatty-greasy-cheap meal is fine. But, when he has 12 videos at home of all sorts of our love making and has me as well..... every week , him with some porn is just like saying the home cooking just ain't good enough and the junk food is preferred.

[hummingbird]

He is probably cheating on you, for real, not just with porn. Do you have anything outside of the relationship besides sex? The way you describe it, your relationship is pretty much sexually based.

 

I always worry that would be the case, but I truly think he is not.... and would not

 

but other things.... many AND GOOD but those aren't the focus of this thread, it is about the physical intimacy, sexual integrity and how porn affects that in my R with him.

[soserious1]

Do not stay with that man.

 

That's very easy to say. Here's the deal.. my husband doesn't do drugs, gamble, he doesn't beat me. Aside from this issue we get along fairly well and I have no doubt he truly does care for me as a person.

 

Truth is.. I am old and as such if I were to be single again my prospects are pretty limited. Men in my age range are looking for women in their late 30's to early 40's. I'm fortunate in that I had my children early in life, they're all adults happily out on their own, the same cannot be said for many eligible men in my age group. I have no desire to hook up with a man who's still actively parenting.No desire to help rear.. or pay for another set of children, nor do I wish to deal with ex-wife drama.

 

My issue, the thing that hurts and angers most isn't that my husband likes porn, it isn't even the fact that I see him openly viewing pretty young women with obvious sexual interest. No, my issue is the fact that in spite of the fact that he no longer wants me.. I'm expected to act like I've got a great marriage. I'm supposed to pretend that none of the above bothers me, I'm supposed to act grateful and happy with chaste grandma kisses..... and he gets upset when I don't.

 

I don't yell, shout or make scenes either in public or at home, but I will no longer keep up the fiction. He wants younger women, he doesn't want me, he finds me repulsive physically due to my age.. but he wants me to somehow accept this as normal, not talk about it and to remain, loving,giving and devoted.

 

That in a nutshell is why I am unhappy.

[Hyperpen12000]

that is harsh as I do not feel I am trying to control him at all.... in fact, I try to give him the space and respect he needs and he certainly gets plenty of it.

I do wish he had a greater appreciation of my feelings and our past and its impact on me....actually, if he were more like MR LUCKY in his views and attitudes about porn..... I would feel LUCKY....

occasionally eating junk food would be okay because certainly he would know that the best filet was at home but once in a while a fast food fatty-greasy-cheap meal is fine. But, when he has 12 videos at home of all sorts of our love making and has me as well..... every week , him with some porn is just like saying the home cooking just ain't good enough and the junk food is preferred.

 

 

I am so confused???? I don't even know what to read!:lmao: I see Bold in what I said in which you quoted that I know I did not put there!

 

I'm just going to read under it and respond to that.....

 

I never said you were controlling him. I was just saying sometimes we all get tried of being around the something if it's always in our face. For instance, if we're around our mate 24/7 we need a break because we get bored or annoy, I don't care how much you're in love with them. We get tried of our friends if we're around them 24/7, our families, watch the same T.V show, same Movies, same music over and over. Human beings need variety. Even when it comes to sex. Man get tried of having the same type of sex with the same women... That's why you have to do different things like role play or positions. NOT CHEAT! Please don't misconstrued what I say. Some men (not all) may watch porn for the variation, but within minutes, alway go back to what they value most about sex.... Their companion.

 

Some men watch porn because watching someone else having sex is entertaining. It's not solely about the woman in the porn. There are ideas in porn that can spice up the sex in the relationship. Not all sex is slow passionate love making. Sometimes it's wild and sometimes it's graceful... No guy wants to banally make love to his SO, like they do in romance movies, for the rest of his life.

 

I guess when a woman sees their guy watching another women naked (when there is a guy naked in there too) It just reads in her mind, "He's mentally cheating on me by looking at that naked women having sex!"

 

Why don't men get mad when women watch porn???? Why don't we get bothered that you're watching a nake man with a nice physique thrust himself into a woman who seems to be pleasured?

 

I think women should take that into consideration to understand why we watch porn and how much we really do trust and love you.

[Hyperpen12000]

I'm sorry hummingbird... What I was saying to you, was really directed a some of the other ladies on the post, not you.... Even the post I just left above. I'm still reacting off the other comments left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________

[Hyperpen12000]

That's very easy to say. Here's the deal.. my husband doesn't do drugs, gamble, he doesn't beat me. Aside from this issue we get along fairly well and I have no doubt he truly does care for me as a person.

 

Truth is.. I am old and as such if I were to be single again my prospects are pretty limited. Men in my age range are looking for women in their late 30's to early 40's. I'm fortunate in that I had my children early in life, they're all adults happily out on their own, the same cannot be said for many eligible men in my age group. I have no desire to hook up with a man who's still actively parenting.No desire to help rear.. or pay for another set of children, nor do I wish to deal with ex-wife drama.

 

My issue, the thing that hurts and angers most isn't that my husband likes porn, it isn't even the fact that I see him openly viewing pretty young women with obvious sexual interest. No, my issue is the fact that in spite of the fact that he no longer wants me.. I'm expected to act like I've got a great marriage. I'm supposed to pretend that none of the above bothers me, I'm supposed to act grateful and happy with chaste grandma kisses..... and he gets upset when I don't.

 

I don't yell, shout or make scenes either in public or at home, but I will no longer keep up the fiction. He wants younger women, he doesn't want me, he finds me repulsive physically due to my age.. but he wants me to somehow accept this as normal, not talk about it and to remain, loving,giving and devoted.

 

That in a nutshell is why I am unhappy.

 

Heck no! He's wrong!

[Jersey Shortie]

How can you be left out in the cold if what we want we don't want?

 

You said men want what they don't have. If he has us, then he doesn't want us and he wants whatever he doesn't have. That means a woman can never win. No matter how hard she tries to love him, be there for him, at the end of the day she looses because he wants what he can't have. And quite honestly, maybe that is a man's insecurity.

 

 

To think that he doesn't want you when he's managing it, is ridiculous. If he's in a relationship with you, you are what he wants everything else is just non-endeavoring fantasies. This is where insecurity comes in a womans behalf. To think that he wants something else when he's telling you he doesn't is low self-esteem.

 

Actions speak louder then words. For alot of women, it is evident that the action a man takes with porn, tells her she is unwanted, at least for the time being. It sendsa conflicting message. A man says he wants a stable committed relationship, but turns around and turns to the exact thing that is the exact opposite of a stable comitted relationship. Yes, there are probably alot of women out there that feel unstable and insecure in that situation since what a man is saying is true, and his actions are contradicting each other.

 

 

 

Then I told you to get over yourself because you come off as someone who is carrying this HUGE burden on your shoulders when this whole subject is really not that important when you look at the big picture

.

 

The big picture being that you find a great man that you really care for and love, and you might quite possibly have his babies, cook his meals, raise his children, be there when he gets laid off, be there when his parents pass on...and at the end of the day he turns to the breast implated 20 year olds for the next 40 years with a consistancy that is disconcernting, upsetting, and frustrating. I understand the fear men have about getting married and then possibly divorced and loosing all their money and children. I have this fear as well. Expect my fear is turning into the situation I described because alot of women seem to be dealing with that situation. Falling in love with a man, doing your best to have a positive relationship with him, being a real woman, and him surpassing all that for the 18-25 year olds in pornography underneath the smoke screen of the relationship we present to the world.

 

 

Hummingbird

It doesn't leave me feeling closer to him but further. I don't feel he desires me and I also then feel undesirous of him.

It is a vicious place for me to be in all the while, he is helping himself to a hand full of porn....

 

 

I think that is it in a nutshell Hummingbird. Things like porn and strip clubs can repeal a woman from their parter. It doesn't not create trust. It doesn't not create a bond. It does not create a safe-haven between a couple.

 

 

 

 

Mr lucky

That is a particularly female point of view that many women may agree with. And I'm sure it works for you and others. And guess what - it's fine with me .

 

But many men, whether based on biology or culture, may feel differently. They see a clear and easily understood difference between the real women in their lives and anything else.

 

Why does this difference of opinion make you (and Jersey and others) right and us wrong?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have no doubt it's fine with you mr. lucky or other men. Because what could be a bigger ego boost then to know that you are your partner's fantasy.

 

The difference for men between real life women and anything else is that anything else surpasses their real life woman or is equal to their real life woman every time. At least, that is the message men drive home.

 

 

the collector

 

It seems to be a natural female urge to seek to ELIMINATE THE COMPETITION. More so than men.

 

 

Competition is very strong in men as it is in women. Men just get jealous over different stuff then ponr. But men are extremely compeitive.

 

So you could have all the porn in the world destroyed, but guess what, there will still be 20 year old nubile young women out there, and unless you lobotomize your partner, he will be aware of them and capable of comparing them to you.

 

So then don't have relationships with us aging worthless women and you can happily be with nuble 20 year olds until the day you die because it's clear that most men value that over their own partners.

 

And men wonder why women are insecure. How could we ever be insecure when it's clear how beautiful men find us. Oh wait..i mean how beautiful they find their daughter's friends..not their wives.

 

 

You can get him to promise he will never watch porn again, but he will be capable of pretending you are someone else when you have sex.

 

Out of all the things discussed, I believe a person that is pretending that their SO is someone else while having sex with that SO is an extremely degrading and disheartening prospect. At least do your partner the curtsey to think about them while you are actually having sex with them. And if that is beyond your ablility, please don't have sex with them and treat them like degrogatory

 

There's nothing you can do except let go of your jealousy and insecurity, don't let past cheating poison this relationship, and enjoy your loving partner who whacks it off to porn sometimes, but has CHOSEN YOU. Or dump him. Your choice.

 

 

 

Perhaps men should let go of their own insecurities and the hold porn has on them because porn seems to poison alot of relationshpis itself. And maybe men should enjoy their loving partner and value her for who she is because she has CHOSEN you and some girl in a porn couldn't care less if you get hit by a bus tomorow...It's a man's choice. The sad thing is that so many men choose porn.

 

 

 

That's right; you satisfy him and probably keeping the sex new! No matter what you women think he's thinking, not all the love in the world will keep a person completely focused on you only.

 

You said before that when a man is watching a porn he is thinking about his SO..so which is it? He is thinking about his SO or he can't be expected to be bothered with that and is thinknig of other women?

 

Even if you do pleasure him, he is still going to stare and compare. Guys can't help but look at other women. It's biological.

 

Then what is the point in trying to pleasure a man? Since the outcome is just that the pay off is him comparing and staring at other women?

 

We all understand that it's biological for men to look at women. IT would just be nice if men respected self control instead of making excuses for hurtful disparaging behavior.

 

 

But women don't want to be sex slaves for their SO to stop watching porn, which is understandable at times

.

 

Women shouldn't have to be sex slaves. There should be compromise on both ends. A woman should try to meet her partners needs and he should try to meet hers. Alot of times those needs reach outside the bedroom.

 

 

But some of you use sex as a control mechanism whether self-consciously or subconsciously. So when porn undermines that (because you're trying to train him like a puppy to have self-control) you feel jealous and powerlessness. SO you substitute that with he doesn't love me...

Human beings need variety. Even when it comes to sex. Man get tried of having the same type of sex with the same women...

 

Then don't have a relationship that is meant to form a bond with one person! If men want variety PLEASE go out and have it. But don't get into a relationship and then turn around and say you need variety. It is completely unfair and completely selfish. PLEASE go out and have fun. have variety. PLEASE. But don't pretend you really love or care about a woman and her needs if you want to use variety as reason for behavior that doesn't indicate any self control. This isn't about training him like a puppy. I would hope that men would prize self control. I would hope a man would want to use self control instead of making excuses for his weaknesses.

 

 

I think women should take that into consideration to understand why we watch porn and how much we really do trust and love you.

 

And I think men sohuld take into consideration to understand why porn and the interest in other women hurts us and how much we love and respect you but need you to understand why some of the actions you take as men, can be very hurtful and create an environement where we feel unloved and unprotected in our relationship with you that we can't be open and vunerable with you.

[SunnySideUp]

So just because a man doesn't go out and cheat it makes it ok that he wants to? Just because he is prohibiting himself from going out and sleeping with different women does not make it ok that he wants to.

Just because alot of people do something does not make it right or normal

 

Isn't "normal" based on whether most people do something or not?

 

Emotional infidelity is not ok, but having the urge to engage in intercourse with someone besides one's SO is natural. People have thoughts that fly all over the place, it's the ones they choose to follow and stick with that define them. If you've ever had a colicky baby you'll realize you can have thoughts that are aweful, but you're only a bad person if you act on them. Psychologists will tell you this is perfectly normal. It's all about self-control and what you choose to be.

[Mr. Lucky]

And I think men sohuld take into consideration to understand why porn and the interest in other women hurts us and how much we love and respect you but need you to understand why some of the actions you take as men, can be very hurtful and create an environement where we feel unloved and unprotected in our relationship with you that we can't be open and vunerable with you.

I think porn is the perfect boogieman for you, Jersey. It gives you an out in any relationship so that you don't have to deal the ups and downs, the challenges and insecurities and the chance of failure that we all face in our love life. Why, you don't even have to be open or vulnerable and risk the chance of being hurt - what woman would take that chance with the evil spectre of porn always lurking in the shadows ? You've constructed the perfect straw man, any lack of success in relationships can't be about you, it must have been his use of porn and resulting lust for other women...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

Well said, Mr. Lucky. I think we've got her pegged.

[Lookingforward]

Truth is.. I am old and as such if I were to be single again my prospects are pretty limited. Men in my age range are looking for women in their late 30's to early 40's. I'm fortunate in that I had my children early in life, they're all adults happily out on their own, the same cannot be said for many eligible men in my age group. I have no desire to hook up with a man who's still actively parenting.No desire to help rear.. or pay for another set of children, nor do I wish to deal with ex-wife drama.

 

 

Okay I'll bite as no-one else has so far, as this same refrain keeps coming up in your posts - how old ARE you anyway ?

 

So at least we have something to go on here advice wise.........

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

Okay I'll bite as no-one else has so far, as this same refrain keeps coming up in your posts - how old ARE you anyway ?

 

So at least we have something to go on here advice wise.........

Lol, I just in this last minute or two, asked the exact same question in the conclusions about porn thread...

[SunnySideUp]

I'm pretty sure. My last serious relationship the guy really didn't have time and looking at pictures of trashy women didn't turn him on - he just wanted the real thing. Unattached sex wasn't something he was into. You spend enough time with a person, you know.

 

if you never actually had a discussion about porn he probably was smart enough not to bring it up, since it usually ends up being quite a heated discussion. I find it very hard to believe you never dated a man who looked at/watched porn. Any man with internet access is bound to have viewed it at least once.

[trubella]

if you never actually had a discussion about porn he probably was smart enough not to bring it up, since it usually ends up being quite a heated discussion. I find it very hard to believe you never dated a man who looked at/watched porn. Any man with internet access is bound to have viewed it at least once.

 

i always think its amusing how sure some women think they are that their SO would not look at porn.. alot men are used to hiding porn, even as kids looking at magazines etc. could easily hide it now too.

[rainfall]

Isn't "normal" based on whether most people do something or not?

 

Emotional infidelity is not ok, but having the urge to engage in intercourse with someone besides one's SO is natural. People have thoughts that fly all over the place, it's the ones they choose to follow and stick with that define them. If you've ever had a colicky baby you'll realize you can have thoughts that are aweful, but you're only a bad person if you act on them. Psychologists will tell you this is perfectly normal. It's all about self-control and what you choose to be.

 

Its only normal to want to have sex with someone besides your SO when you are no longer getting your needs met by your SO.

[Enema]

Its only normal to want to have sex with someone besides your SO when you are no longer getting your needs met by your SO.

 

You're wrong here.

 

But, we've all told you this before so I won't dwell on it. Just want to make sure any thread readers don't think your opinion is normal or healthy.

[Jennifer26]

Its only normal to want to have sex with someone besides your SO when you are no longer getting your needs met by your SO.

Almost every man I've had a discussion with online (I'm not bold enough to discuss this type of thing with men I know IRL besides my husband) have said different.

 

A woman can be awesome in bed, and up for sex as much as her partner, but that doesn't mean he isn't going to be 'craving that variety' that apparently is built into most men.

[rainfall]

Almost every man I've had a discussion with online (I'm not bold enough to discuss this type of thing with men I know IRL besides my husband) have said different.

 

A woman can be awesome in bed, and up for sex as much as her partner, but that doesn't mean he isn't going to be 'craving that variety' that apparently is built into most men.

 

 

Well of course a man isn't going to admit that he is a shallow jerk. They are going to defend their right to think about sleeping with many different women forever no matter how wrong it is.

If a man wants to sleep with many different women he needs to be single. Otherwise he is just wasting his SO time and trinking her into thinking he actually cares about her.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm not sure why it has to be this huge debate over emotions/preference/etc. Its simple really: new and varied erotic images stimulate higher levels of arousal, which lead to quicker orgasms. Period.

 

When a man is jerking it to porn, he isn't thinking... "my girlfriend sucks and I wish I could date this porn chick". He is thinking only one thing: closer, closer, closer...

[The Collector]

Masturbation is a private thing and women should keep their noses out, just as men largely keep their noses out of their woman's masturbation.