Home made love videos but still there is ..ugh Porn

[Ruby Slippers]

Sorry, this was question was for Jersey Shortie not Ruby Slippers.

Thank you for clarifying -- I didn't get where that came from (so I ignored it ).

[rainfall]

I didn't say 'hunky.' But alpha males, bad boys, authority figures, high status guys, pirates, whatever - yup, women are fantasizing about them, and masturbating over them. It's perfectly natural.

 

 

How is it normal to wish that you could have sex with random people? How is it normal to have to think of someone besides your SO while you masturbate. If you find them attractive and you have a satisfying sex life why do you need outside help?

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

Not all women.

 

My wife doesn't have the same insecurities as you, and could care less if I look at / use porn... A lot of women in this thread are the same way.

 

There are plenty of women out there, you may have to go through one or two until you find a balanced one though!

Ditto!

 

By the way JS, I noticed you didn't respond to my last post. Usually you're on top of that stuff, lol. Is your resolve weakening?

[morelaugh]

Carpel tunnel and a satisfying sex life with your computer?

 

 

More than that,JS.

The guy acutally runs a few porn sites for extra cash.

[The Collector]

How is it normal to wish that you could have sex with random people? How is it normal to have to think of someone besides your SO while you masturbate. If you find them attractive and you have a satisfying sex life why do you need outside help?

 

It's normal because many people do it. Fantasies are part of life. Many people like to fantasize about things they would never do in real life. Do some research and you'll find the most popular sexual fantasies of women include being done by more than one guy, by a woman, by a stranger, in front of an audience, and top fantasy 'forced.' These fantasies do not go away just because the woman has a partner.

[Hyperpen12000]

It's normal because many people do it. Fantasies are part of life. Many people like to fantasize about things they would never do in real life. Do some research and you'll find the most popular sexual fantasies of women include being done by more than one guy, by a woman, by a stranger, in front of an audience, and top fantasy 'forced.' These fantasies do not go away just because the woman has a partner.

 

True. It just baffles me how some women take fantasy as reality. When I watch heroic cop movies, I want to be a cop but you don't see me running out getting a badge and a gun to solve crimes.

 

Some women just have a hard time comprehending that men want what they can't have or prohibit themselves from having. That's because the majority of women want what they want, when they want it.

[Jersey Shortie]

By the way JS, I noticed you didn't respond to my last post. Usually you're on top of that stuff, lol. Is your resolve weakening?

 

I didn't even notice your post until I went back after this one. I will assume this is the one in question below......:

 

 

 

It's because she's got serious emotional baggage. She's been crusading for the better part of a month in at least 2 different threads. I've read them both, and she says the same things over and over again like a broken record and it's plain to see that she has issues.

 

Of course I have issues. I never denied it. Men have their own set of issues. Look at porn..that has alot of messed up issues. .... we ALL have issues because we are all human. Please don't act like you don't have your own issues you deal with/struggle with.

 

I like the Crusading comment..I'm like the Indiana Jones of Porn...

 

 

Apparently ALL men want to have their cake and eat it too

 

That's how it appears. Yes.

 

"...gawk at chicks in Starbucks when they're with their family.."

 

Are you implying/saying men don't do this then?

 

Because I can't tell you the number of times I've been checked out by men with familes/wives/girlfriends. And I feel quite sorry for him in that moment to not be respectful or acknowledge the beautiful family/wife/girlfriend next to him in that moment.

 

...and torture their poor SO's daily with a porn bananza of 18 year olds with implants.

 

I wouldn't have put it that way but basically yes. Again, are you implying that alot of men with familes wives and girlfriends don't look at porn of 18 year old with implants and get excited over it ...even regularly? I'm confused. Do you think that is the majority of men or the miniority?

 

 

And apparently ALL men betray their SO's and shouldn't be in a relationship with them if porn is involved.

 

They betray them emotionally. When you use porn, you are replacing your own woman with whatever porn woman you are fantizing about in the moment.

 

I never said men shouldn't be in relationships. I love having relationships with men. But I wonder why men DO have relationships considering men's considerely driven ego to thrive on the desire of other women and to be on a continuous cycle of checking other women out all the time and indirectly always being on the chase for new women. I really don't know why men put themselves in a spot t obe in a monogmous relationship if it's clear that that isn't really want they want.

 

What a load of crap. Get over yourself.

 

Then you must be saying that men don't check out other women at Starbucks or where ever..they don't look at porn of 18 year olds with implants..and they on aren't fantazing about other women?

 

 

 

More than that,JS.

The guy acutally runs a few porn sites for extra cash.

 

I wonder how he would feel if his own woman was on a porn site.

 

 

 

 

True. It just baffles me how some women take fantasy as reality.

 

It baffles me that men consider their fantasies just as important and better then their reality.

 

 

Some women just have a hard time comprehending that men want what they can't have or prohibit themselves from having. That's because the majority of women want what they want, when they want it.

 

At least we want what we have. It isn't that we don't comprehend that men want what they don't have. But that makes us feel like we are left out in the cold if you already have us. Don't you understand that? If we are what you have, and you want what you don't have, you clearly don't want us. So I have learned with men that it seems to be better to be his fantasy, then his reality. Because he is just going to break your heart by being his reality and being there to support him.

[Hyperpen12000]

It baffles me that men consider their fantasies just as important and better then their reality.

 

That's only baffling when it's viewed in a unmanageable way. When you're not spending time with your SO, not have sex with her just to watch it, or letting it rule your life to where you don't take care of your responsibilities.

 

We all fantasies. We have the right to as individuals. It's only a problem when you try to live them out if they're inappropriate to the people around you preferable your mate by wanting to have sex with someone else.

 

 

At least we want what we have. It isn't that we don't comprehend that men want what they don't have. But that makes us feel like we are left out in the cold if you already have us. Don't you understand that? If we are what you have, and you want what you don't have, you clearly don't want us. So I have learned with men that it seems to be better to be his fantasy, then his reality. Because he is just going to break your heart by being his reality and being there to support him.

 

How can you be left out in the cold if what we want we don't want? Like I said, it should only be a problem when it's viewed in a unmanageable way. When you're not spending time with your SO, not have sex with her just to watch it, or letting it rule your life to where you don't take care of your responsibilities.

 

To think that he doesn't want you when he's managing it, is ridiculous. If he's in a relationship with you, you are what he wants everything else is just non-endeavoring fantasies. This is where insecurity comes in a womans behalf. To think that he wants something else when he's telling you he doesn't is low self-esteem.

[trubella]

To think that he doesn't want you when he's managing it, is ridiculous. If he's in a relationship with you, you are what he wants everything else is just non-endeavoring fantasies. This is where insecurity comes in a womans behalf. To think that he wants something else when he's telling you he doesn't is low self-esteem.

 

This is pretty much what it all comes down to when i hear women complain about their bfs porn use even in moderation. i could see if a man was addicted to it and neglecting their SO to see porn why a woman would complain then.

 

but if he is still attentive to you and wants you only it really shouldnt be a big deal. we as ppl are entitled to our own fantasies, does entering a relationship mean we have to give up fantasies all together and be programmed to think of our SO 24/7?

 

but im glad to see some women here who share the same viewpoint as me, i dont care if my bf watches the occasional porn, not threatened by it one bit. i know what we have and that trumps any porn video.

[morelaugh]

Some women just have a hard time comprehending that men want what they can't have or prohibit themselves from having. That's because the majority of women want what they want, when they want it.

 

It would be interesting to here other female opinions (I’m wondering whether it is a gender thing or not)

 

For me, if I fantasize about someone I’d do him – simple as that.

Consequently, it is hard for me to understand ‘want it but don’t want it’ principle. How can someone like and dislike the same person at the same time? It’s a complete mystery to me and the only way I could explain it is the moderate degree of Madonna/whore syndrome.

 

I for one don’t believe in biological explanation and hard wiring – I believe in sociological conditioning from an early age.

I strongly believe you would be able to ‘train’ a woman to respond and behave exactly the same as men – to classify men as a ‘shag material’ and some as a ‘dating material’. In fact, there are more women now that behave/feel this way than ever before – and that is because the society somewhat relaxed the rules.

[rainfall]

True. It just baffles me how some women take fantasy as reality. When I watch heroic cop movies, I want to be a cop but you don't see me running out getting a badge and a gun to solve crimes.

 

Some women just have a hard time comprehending that men want what they can't have or prohibit themselves from having. That's because the majority of women want what they want, when they want it.

 

 

So just because a man doesn't go out and cheat it makes it ok that he wants to? Just because he is prohibiting himself from going out and sleeping with different women does not make it ok that he wants to.

Just because alot of people do something does not make it right or normal

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

I didn't even notice your post until I went back after this one. I will assume this is the one in question below......:

 

Of course I have issues. I never denied it. Men have their own set of issues. Look at porn..that has alot of messed up issues. .... we ALL have issues because we are all human. Please don't act like you don't have your own issues you deal with/struggle with.

I do, but not to the extent you appear to have. This appears to be consuming a good portion of your life.

 

 

That's how it appears. Yes.

 

Are you implying/saying men don't do this then?

 

Because I can't tell you the number of times I've been checked out by men with familes/wives/girlfriends. And I feel quite sorry for him in that moment to not be respectful or acknowledge the beautiful family/wife/girlfriend next to him in that moment.

 

I wouldn't have put it that way but basically yes. Again, are you implying that alot of men with familes wives and girlfriends don't look at porn of 18 year old with implants and get excited over it ...even regularly? I'm confused. Do you think that is the majority of men or the miniority?

 

They betray them emotionally. When you use porn, you are replacing your own woman with whatever porn woman you are fantizing about in the moment.

 

I never said men shouldn't be in relationships. I love having relationships with men. But I wonder why men DO have relationships considering men's considerely driven ego to thrive on the desire of other women and to be on a continuous cycle of checking other women out all the time and indirectly always being on the chase for new women. I really don't know why men put themselves in a spot t obe in a monogmous relationship if it's clear that that isn't really want they want.

You missed the point. I constructed that statement using your commonly used cliches to illustrate the point that you group all men into one category. What a large brush you yield...

 

Then you must be saying that men don't check out other women at Starbucks or where ever..they don't look at porn of 18 year olds with implants..and they on aren't fantazing about other women?

No, I was stating that the previous statement was a load of crap because you group all men into one category. They're your words, I just took them and put them into one complete sentence. Then I told you to get over yourself because you come off as someone who is carrying this HUGE burden on your shoulders when this whole subject is really not that important when you look at the big picture.

[Hyperpen12000]

So just because a man doesn't go out and cheat it makes it ok that he wants to? Just because he is prohibiting himself from going out and sleeping with different women does not make it ok that he wants to.

Just because alot of people do something does not make it right or normal

 

 

No, just insecurity on the woman behalf......

[Hyperpen12000]

To women Porn means this:

 

 

• You don’t love me
  
• You’re fantasying about the girl in the porn
  
• You rather be intimate with the porn instead of me
  
• It degrades woman
  
• You don’t respect women
  
• It’s all male domination and misogyny
  
• You have no restraint you’re acting like an animal
  
• The only time you’re allowed to be horny is when I’m around
  
• You have no freedom of self-pleasure if I’m not around
  

 

 

To Men Porn means this:

 

 

• Entertainment, because I like sex and I’m not sensitive to watching it
  
• Fantasy, because everyone in the porn are directed actors in organized scenes
  
• A visual for when my SO is too tired or not around to pleasure me
  

 

That’s it!!!!!

[Hyperpen12000]

So just because a man doesn't go out and cheat it makes it ok that he wants to? Just because he is prohibiting himself from going out and sleeping with different women does not make it ok that he wants to.

Just because alot of people do something does not make it right or normal

 

Sorry about my previous answer. You made me realize some which I am posting below.

[Hyperpen12000]

All this time I was speaking from two perspectives confusing some of the ladies, having them backfire with sensible resolve. The two perspectives I was integrating where from a single males view on porn and a person in a relationship.

 

Most males who are single that watch porn or masturbate do look at the woman as a desirable entity because they have no one. When in a relationship, that all changes. Most men look at porn and have multiple thoughts. In my opinion, majority of men look at the act of sex, the pleasure girl is receiving and their SO being in that woman’s position simultaneously. At other times, it’s just entertainment not a simulator. Men love sex and if you love something, you don’t mind watching it. It’s not something that is sensitive to you. It’s entertaining. If I love practicing martial arts, I’m going to watch martial art movies. I know the difference between movie martial arts and real martial arts. The problem is when you don’t know the difference between fantasy and reality.

 

In all, who’s to say what he’s thinking! You have to communicate with your SO and trust him when he gives you his reason. Porn is a problem when it’s uncontrollable in your life. When it becomes an addict to the point you’re not spending time with your SO or avoiding sex with them just to watch it.

 

I WILL SAY THIS! A guy is an idiot and addicted to porn when he tells his SO that he watches it just for the women but doesn’t want the women. Women need security and if you tell them that, you blew it!!

[hummingbird]

All this time I was speaking from two perspectives confusing some of the ladies, having them backfire with sensible resolve. The two perspectives I was integrating where from a single males view on porn and a person in a relationship.

 

Most males who are single that watch porn or masturbate do look at the woman as a desirable entity because they have no one. When in a relationship, that all changes. Most men look at porn and have multiple thoughts. In my opinion, majority of men look at the act of sex, the pleasure girl is receiving and their SO being in that woman’s position simultaneously. At other times, it’s just entertainment not a simulator. Men love sex and if you love something, you don’t mind watching it. It’s not something that is sensitive to you. It’s entertaining. If I love practicing martial arts, I’m going to watch martial art movies. I know the difference between movie martial arts and real martial arts. The problem is when you don’t know the difference between fantasy and reality.

 

In all, who’s to say what he’s thinking! You have to communicate with your SO and trust him when he gives you his reason. Porn is a problem when it’s uncontrollable in your life. When it becomes an addict to the point you’re not spending time with your SO or avoiding sex with them just to watch it.

 

I WILL SAY THIS! A guy is an idiot and addicted to porn when he tells his SO that he watches it just for the women but doesn’t want the women. Women need security and if you tell them that, you blew it!!

 

I'm the OP and have been out of course on this thread for a few weeks now? as my computer had major issues..... (good thing I'm not a guy who needs it for porn eh?)

I have really fallen out of synch on this thread and don't have alot of time, but sheeessshhhh this has really gone on a bit.

I do want to say that JS truly isn't a prude, or is there anything wrong with her stance and feelings. I actually understand alot about where she is coming from.

I really think she is speaking from frustration because there is this basic thing called "forsaking" others for the one you love and even though that may be a romantic view of love and intimacy; it is actually one that I believe many women believe in and practice themselves.

I know I do and not for religious reasons. I do, because in loving my SO, I am totally and completely satisfied with him, loving only him, being with him only and making him the source of my fantasies.

YES, there a many women who DO NOT fantasize about other guys.

Sure they may be attractive, but have no desire to fantasize about someone other than my SO. Why? Why bother? Really, why do you need to fantasize about others if you are happily content and sexually fulfilled?

 

My guy is hot and awesome as a partner (I'll add part two to this comment later).... I have no interest in being with another guy..I don't want other guys, only him so why would I fantasize about anyone else?

 

a concept I quess I don't understand but sort of try to understand from other's perspectives.

 

You say Hyperpen that women believe that men fantasize about the women in porn. Ummm... so guys watch porn for fantasy but don't fantasize about the women in them? isn't that part of the reason for watchng is to look at other naked women and their parts?? not just the sex that is acted out for "entertainment"

I get it that everyone is individual and has their own reasons; so I am not trying to pick on you.

 

Someone else mentioned that if you are in a sexually gratifying, active, etc on a regular basis, then what would the need for porn be (this from a man)

well, I have done so... and have had this (although I am in the position to not live with my SO unfortunately) and so we are limited to how often we can hook up--but when we do --- it is exhaustive- frequent and oh so good. (read some of my first post)\

so,for the off times, he converted over 20 hours of our own video love making in dvds...... and quess what ...he still watches porn.

All I can say is WTF?

 

yes, I have tried to commuicate my concerns about my feelings and haven't once or twice in over 5 years.

I never make an issue, never bug him, just tolerate quietly and internally with the hurt it brings me.

 

PART II- since my original posting, our R has gotten rocky(another story all together and not for here). I Know that my issues with him is bigger than this thread or porn and it stems mostly from the fact that he cheated on me about 3 years ago. We somehow resolved and moved on and forward in what seemed a positive direction.

 

What he doesn't get (yes he has some dysfunctional issues --don't we all)

is that being cheated on affected my outlook and perspective permanently with him.

If he can't spend time with me, or there is a week or two that our schedules don't jive(part fo the rocky R issue now), I become concerned but generally don't express that to him. So, two things start to happen; 1. I know he isn't cheating on me (yes that is a goooood thing, I am aware of that) but I also know he has a HIGH libido and so then I start to think about him watching the porn.... and then I start becoming resentful....

 

We are in our 40's.... I am not in my 20s anymore and knowing he is fulfilling and "replacing" me with 20somethings who have the prefect bodies, perfect titties, perfect legs, ass, perfect pu55y and pinked up arse-stars---certainly doesn't leave me feeling confident, desired, wanted, or the most desirable woman in his life.

Sure I KNOW he well find other women attractive and NO I don't believe masturbation is wrong or unhealthy....

BUT how am I too feel better about it all or myself when he choose porn over our videos--(chooses me over porn in other words)

 

It doesn't leave me feeling closer to him but further. I don't feel he desires me and I also then feel undesirous of him.

It is a vicious place for me to be in all the while, he is helping himself to a hand full of porn (whores) (yup--may be crude; but that is my opinion of women in porn)

 

And goodness knows I try.... I do all the things I can possibly do to be a good partner both emotionally and physically. I know I f**k up sometimes, but it seems I do so more now. It seems that as soon as we have taken two steps forward he gets bent out of shape about something and then we end up 3 steps back again. Then he disappears into his cave of distance and non communication....

so once again, I know he isn't having sex else where, but he isn't wathing our videos either, but the porn.

BECAUSE ???????

-he's pissed off at me?

-doesn't want to think about sex with me and would maybe like to cheat on me but won't?

-maybe feels it is a way to hurt me back?

 

I mean, he is who he is..I can't generalize and I can't assume,

but it leaves me wondering how do guys feel about their SO if they are in diffcult R times and how does porn interface with them during those times?????

 

I know I want to resolve things between us, I lose interest in sex totally during a rough time, and I have no interest to even consider fantasizing about some other guy no matter how pissed off, hurt or angered by him I feel.

 

I wonder if porn becomes more attractive for guys during rough times in a R, becuase of course UNREALISTICALLY, the porn Hos are there are the click of a button and of course they are there for your viewing ... leaving guys possibly thinking that porn is great cuz they can get some sex(vicariously) and the women don't "bitch or whine or want what they want"

Not that I believe all women do that...

I do my best not to be a bitch, to whine about any of my needs or issues.

I really try, but sometimes think that no matter what I do or say or try, it comes across that way for him because I am expressing a need or an issue.

 

I am almost at the point of getting close to ending our R and I think he is too (much pain and sadness with even thinking this) but we can't seem to get out the ditch we are in... as I said, 2 forward and 3 back.

And the porn isn't helping me get to a better place

( porn has become just another way for me to see him having the desire to cheat...... actual cheating, strip joints and porn ...all seem to be a variation of that desire)

 

so, we may have a chance for a talk tomorrow. Can't really talk with him about how porn affects my psyche... "he just doesn't want to hear "drama" as he has enough of it in his life already..."

 

I am so stuck with this...

I love him with my heart and soul. I have not and sometimes believe I will never meet another man who matches/complements me in all other areas of life so well and so it becomes really difficult and sad for me.

I don't want to lose him or for our R to end, but at the same time, I also can't deal with how the porn, the cheating in the past leaves me feeling --the constant feeling as though I am just not "good, young, attractive, pretty, hot body parts, emotionally right, ENOUGH"

it is horrible to feel that he replaces me with porn and even worse to feel that during this rough time we are in.

 

AGH..... anyone out there with any words of insight, perspective, experience or approachable helpful hints......

 

would so appreciate it.

(sh_t; this is so diffcult and yet I know life is short and there are worse things)

[Mr. Lucky]

but have no desire to fantasize about someone other than my SO. Why? Why bother? Really, why do you need to fantasize about others if you are happily content and sexually fulfilled?

That is a particularly female point of view that many women may agree with. And I'm sure it works for you and others. And guess what - it's fine with me .

 

But many men, whether based on biology or culture, may feel differently. They see a clear and easily understood difference between the real women in their lives and anything else.

 

Why does this difference of opinion make you (and Jersey and others) right and us wrong?

 

Mr. Lucky

[The Collector]

I want to repeat what someone else said earlier in this thread, or maybe one of the other porn threads - 'My gf could be Jessica Alba and I'd still watch porn.'

 

It seems to be a natural female urge to seek to ELIMINATE THE COMPETITION. More so than men. So you could have all the porn in the world destroyed, but guess what, there will still be 20 year old nubile young women out there, and unless you lobotomize your partner, he will be aware of them and capable of comparing them to you. Destroy all the lingerie ads, and music videos and he will see them in the street and be capable of visualising them naked. You can get him to promise he will never watch porn again, but he will be capable of pretending you are someone else when you have sex. There's nothing you can do except let go of your jealousy and insecurity, don't let past cheating poison this relationship, and enjoy your loving partner who whacks it off to porn sometimes, but has CHOSEN YOU. Or dump him. Your choice.

[hummingbird]

That is a particularly female point of view that many women may agree with. And I'm sure it works for you and others. And guess what - it's fine with me .

 

But many men, whether based on biology or culture, may feel differently. They see a clear and easily understood difference between the real women in their lives and anything else.

 

Why does this difference of opinion make you (and Jersey and others) right and us wrong?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

-- if only things were that easily attended to and pleased--I wish it were the case with my guy but....

and oh no--it isn't that any is wrong or right at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it is different views, attitudes etc. It was just a point made to clarify that I don't, for sake of understanding my perspective.

 

.

[hummingbird]

I want to repeat what someone else said earlier in this thread, or maybe one of the other porn threads - 'My gf could be Jessica Alba and I'd still watch porn.'

 

It seems to be a natural female urge to seek to ELIMINATE THE COMPETITION. More so than men. So you could have all the porn in the world destroyed, but guess what, there will still be 20 year old nubile young women out there, and unless you lobotomize your partner, he will be aware of them and capable of comparing them to you. Destroy all the lingerie ads, and music videos and he will see them in the street and be capable of visualising them naked. You can get him to promise he will never watch porn again, but he will be capable of pretending you are someone else when you have sex. There's nothing you can do except let go of your jealousy and insecurity, don't let past cheating poison this relationship, and enjoy your loving partner who whacks it off to porn sometimes, but has CHOSEN YOU. Or dump him. Your choice.

 

 

..and maybe he does, but for me, what you see on the streets, what you do in your mind is nothing anyone can really do anything about or have control over ( but truthfully--I feel that most women would really take issue and feel just terrible about if they knew that their SO was thinking about someone else during sex----) that I understand even less.

Porn, is selected by intention.... porn is created primarily with a focus for men ..... the intent is to seek out young nubile women in porn--

not that they happened to be walking down the street.

Young women aren't at fault for being and for walking down the street and being attractive (although I would hope my SO would be respectful of me NOT to gawk or head turn)

 

women in porn.... well, they are no better or different than prostitutes... (this isn't about moral issues here about human being etc)

 

... as for not letting his past cheating poison our R---

A little too late for that.... HE poisoned it by cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have done my best to get past and deal with that. I still love him and love to make love with him.

He is a great guy and he also has issues like most of us people.

Of course I can dump him.... I don't want to... I want to make it work

 

getting rid of the hurt (not the jealousy) and the insecurity is the greater challenge.

Yet, it is again, my burden to deal with, get over it....

I gladly made videos with him, wouldn't you possibly feel slightly concerned or even bad if your SO didn't bother to watch the vids you mad together to masturbate to.??

I/m not sure why he bothered making them..... if he doen'st watch them.

they were more his idea than mine...

 

sure I can dump, but I 'm trying to find ways to deal with my concerns and how the porn affects my psyche and at least tolerate better if even I can't accept it.

[Hyperpen12000]

I'm the OP and have been out of course on this thread for a few weeks now? as my computer had major issues..... (good thing I'm not a guy who needs it for porn eh?)

I have really fallen out of synch on this thread and don't have alot of time, but sheeessshhhh this has really gone on a bit.

I do want to say that JS truly isn't a prude, or is there anything wrong with her stance and feelings. I actually understand alot about where she is coming from.

I really think she is speaking from frustration because there is this basic thing called "forsaking" others for the one you love and even though that may be a romantic view of love and intimacy; it is actually one that I believe many women believe in and practice themselves.

I know I do and not for religious reasons. I do, because in loving my SO, I am totally and completely satisfied with him, loving only him, being with him only and making him the source of my fantasies.

YES, there a many women who DO NOT fantasize about other guys.

Sure they may be attractive, but have no desire to fantasize about someone other than my SO. Why? Why bother? Really, why do you need to fantasize about others if you are happily content and sexually fulfilled?

 

My guy is hot and awesome as a partner (I'll add part two to this comment later).... I have no interest in being with another guy..I don't want other guys, only him so why would I fantasize about anyone else?

 

a concept I quess I don't understand but sort of try to understand from other's perspectives.

 

You say Hyperpen that women believe that men fantasize about the women in porn. Ummm... so guys watch porn for fantasy but don't fantasize about the women in them? isn't that part of the reason for watchng is to look at other naked women and their parts?? not just the sex that is acted out for "entertainment"

I get it that everyone is individual and has their own reasons; so I am not trying to pick on you.

 

Someone else mentioned that if you are in a sexually gratifying, active, etc on a regular basis, then what would the need for porn be (this from a man)

well, I have done so... and have had this (although I am in the position to not live with my SO unfortunately) and so we are limited to how often we can hook up--but when we do --- it is exhaustive- frequent and oh so good. (read some of my first post)\

so,for the off times, he converted over 20 hours of our own video love making in dvds...... and quess what ...he still watches porn.

All I can say is WTF?

 

yes, I have tried to commuicate my concerns about my feelings and haven't once or twice in over 5 years.

I never make an issue, never bug him, just tolerate quietly and internally with the hurt it brings me.

 

PART II- since my original posting, our R has gotten rocky(another story all together and not for here). I Know that my issues with him is bigger than this thread or porn and it stems mostly from the fact that he cheated on me about 3 years ago. We somehow resolved and moved on and forward in what seemed a positive direction.

 

What he doesn't get (yes he has some dysfunctional issues --don't we all)

is that being cheated on affected my outlook and perspective permanently with him.

If he can't spend time with me, or there is a week or two that our schedules don't jive(part fo the rocky R issue now), I become concerned but generally don't express that to him. So, two things start to happen; 1. I know he isn't cheating on me (yes that is a goooood thing, I am aware of that) but I also know he has a HIGH libido and so then I start to think about him watching the porn.... and then I start becoming resentful....

 

We are in our 40's.... I am not in my 20s anymore and knowing he is fulfilling and "replacing" me with 20somethings who have the prefect bodies, perfect titties, perfect legs, ass, perfect pu55y and pinked up arse-stars---certainly doesn't leave me feeling confident, desired, wanted, or the most desirable woman in his life.

Sure I KNOW he well find other women attractive and NO I don't believe masturbation is wrong or unhealthy....

BUT how am I too feel better about it all or myself when he choose porn over our videos--(chooses me over porn in other words)

 

It doesn't leave me feeling closer to him but further. I don't feel he desires me and I also then feel undesirous of him.

It is a vicious place for me to be in all the while, he is helping himself to a hand full of porn (whores) (yup--may be crude; but that is my opinion of women in porn)

 

And goodness knows I try.... I do all the things I can possibly do to be a good partner both emotionally and physically. I know I f**k up sometimes, but it seems I do so more now. It seems that as soon as we have taken two steps forward he gets bent out of shape about something and then we end up 3 steps back again. Then he disappears into his cave of distance and non communication....

so once again, I know he isn't having sex else where, but he isn't wathing our videos either, but the porn.

BECAUSE ???????

-he's pissed off at me?

-doesn't want to think about sex with me and would maybe like to cheat on me but won't?

-maybe feels it is a way to hurt me back?

 

I mean, he is who he is..I can't generalize and I can't assume,

but it leaves me wondering how do guys feel about their SO if they are in diffcult R times and how does porn interface with them during those times?????

 

I know I want to resolve things between us, I lose interest in sex totally during a rough time, and I have no interest to even consider fantasizing about some other guy no matter how pissed off, hurt or angered by him I feel.

 

I wonder if porn becomes more attractive for guys during rough times in a R, becuase of course UNREALISTICALLY, the porn Hos are there are the click of a button and of course they are there for your viewing ... leaving guys possibly thinking that porn is great cuz they can get some sex(vicariously) and the women don't "bitch or whine or want what they want"

Not that I believe all women do that...

I do my best not to be a bitch, to whine about any of my needs or issues.

I really try, but sometimes think that no matter what I do or say or try, it comes across that way for him because I am expressing a need or an issue.

 

I am almost at the point of getting close to ending our R and I think he is too (much pain and sadness with even thinking this) but we can't seem to get out the ditch we are in... as I said, 2 forward and 3 back.

And the porn isn't helping me get to a better place

( porn has become just another way for me to see him having the desire to cheat...... actual cheating, strip joints and porn ...all seem to be a variation of that desire)

 

so, we may have a chance for a talk tomorrow. Can't really talk with him about how porn affects my psyche... "he just doesn't want to hear "drama" as he has enough of it in his life already..."

 

I am so stuck with this...

I love him with my heart and soul. I have not and sometimes believe I will never meet another man who matches/complements me in all other areas of life so well and so it becomes really difficult and sad for me.

I don't want to lose him or for our R to end, but at the same time, I also can't deal with how the porn, the cheating in the past leaves me feeling --the constant feeling as though I am just not "good, young, attractive, pretty, hot body parts, emotionally right, ENOUGH"

it is horrible to feel that he replaces me with porn and even worse to feel that during this rough time we are in.

 

AGH..... anyone out there with any words of insight, perspective, experience or approachable helpful hints......

 

would so appreciate it.

(sh_t; this is so diffcult and yet I know life is short and there are worse things)

 

That's right, you satisfy him and probably keeping the sex new! No matter what you women think he's thinking, Not all the love in the world will keep a person completely focused on you only. Just like you can't spend every hour with your mate; You need space for instance solitude or going out with your friends. It's inherent for all human beings to want change. Change doesn't mean disloyalty so please don't misconstrue that statement.... This is the same with everything else in life.

He can have a super model as a girlfriend but if you're not pleasing him as often as he wants or keeping it new he might look somewhere else for a split second. Again, this doesn't mean he'll cheat or plan to cheat!!! A relationship is both Mental and physical stimulation. IF one is lacking or missing, the other can't pick it up.

 

Even if you do pleasure him, he is still going to stare and compare. Guys can't help but look at other women. It's biological. He many look for a split second and say "damn that woman's HOT!!!" That's a males instinct. But seconds after he thinks, "I have something more special at home." That's call a conscious.

 

ALL MEN DO IT! Some of the guys I've known who are still in love with their wife for 15 years have do it!! And if he's tell you that he doesn't, he's lying dead in your face to keep you happy and secure. Only a "hopeless romance" woman would believe otherwise. Guys in here are trying to educate you on other guys and you ignore it because you're trapped in the fantasy of love and romance! "oh, that's not my guy! he never looks at other woman because he's with me!" LOL!!! Be a fly on the wall in a room with your SO and his guy friends. You will be traumatized because you fail to understand that's how guys are. Woman compare too! If a woman sees a romantic couple doing something that her and her SO hasn't done or she wanted to do but her SO doesn't, She'll bring it up one way or another. You woman can't tell me you haven't wanted or forced your SO to do something he really didn't want to do for you because you seen someone else do it.

 

 

When it truly comes to sex, hypothetically, If I play soccer all the time I wouldn't have time or interest to look at it... I'm doing it so much, looking at someone else doing it seems boring... And that's similar to how porn works for some guys.

 

But women don't want to be sex slaves for their SO to stop watching porn, which is understandable at times. But some of you use sex as a control mechanism whether self-consciously or subconsciously. So when porn undermines that (because you're trying to train him like a puppy to have self-control) you feel jealous and powerlessness. SO you substitute that with he doesn't love me...

[lemony fresh]

He is probably cheating on you, for real, not just with porn. Do you have anything outside of the relationship besides sex? The way you describe it, your relationship is pretty much sexually based.

[Hyperpen12000]

That's right; you satisfy him and probably keeping the sex new! No matter what you women think he's thinking, not all the love in the world will keep a person completely focused on you only. Just like you can't spend every hour with your mate; you need space for instance solitude or going out with your friends. It's inherent for all human beings to want change. Change doesn't mean disloyalty so please don't misconstrue that statement.... This is the same with everything else in life.

He can have a super model as a girlfriend but if you're not pleasing him as often as he wants or keeping it new he might look somewhere else for a split second. Again, this doesn't mean he'll cheat or plan to cheat!!! A relationship is both Mental and physical stimulation. IF one is lacking or missing, the other can't pick it up.

 

Even if you do pleasure him, he is still going to stare and compare. Guys can't help but look at other women. It's biological. He many look for a split second and say "damn that woman's HOT!!!" That's a male’s instinct. But seconds after he thinks, "I have something more special at home." That's call a conscious.

 

ALL MEN DO IT! Some of the guys I've known who are still in love with their wife for 15 years have done it!! And if he’s telling you that he doesn't, he's lying dead in your face to keep you happy and secure. Only a "hopeless romance" woman would believe otherwise. Guys in here are trying to educate you on other guys and you ignore it because you're trapped in the fantasy of love and romance! "oh, that's not my guy! He never looks at other woman because he's with me!" LOL!!! Be a fly on the wall in a room with your SO and his guy friends. You will be traumatized because you fail to understand that's how guys are. Woman compare too! If a woman sees a romantic couple doing something that her and her SO hasn't done or she wanted to do but her SO doesn't, she’ll bring it up one way or another. You woman can't tell me you haven't wanted or forced your SO to do something he really didn't want to do for you because you seen someone else do it. Whether it's surprise you with lunch at your job, give you a romantic massage when you come home, blindfold you to somewhere special, Send you a rose every hour, etc,. Whatever it was I know you've compared.

 

 

When it truly comes to sex, hypothetically, If I play soccer all the time I wouldn't have time or interest to look at it... I'm doing it so much; looking at someone else doing it seems boring... And that's similar to how porn works for some guys.

 

But women don't want to be sex slaves for their SO to stop watching porn, which is understandable at times. But some of you use sex as a control mechanism whether self-consciously or subconsciously. So when porn undermines that (because you're trying to train him like a puppy to have self-control) you feel jealous and powerlessness. SO you substitute that with he doesn't love me...

[soserious1]

I want to repeat what someone else said earlier in this thread, or maybe one of the other porn threads - 'My gf could be Jessica Alba and I'd still watch porn.'

 

It seems to be a natural female urge to seek to ELIMINATE THE COMPETITION. More so than men. So you could have all the porn in the world destroyed, but guess what, there will still be 20 year old nubile young women out there, and unless you lobotomize your partner, he will be aware of them and capable of comparing them to you. Destroy all the lingerie ads, and music videos and he will see them in the street and be capable of visualising them naked. You can get him to promise he will never watch porn again, but he will be capable of pretending you are someone else when you have sex. There's nothing you can do except let go of your jealousy and insecurity, don't let past cheating poison this relationship, and enjoy your loving partner who whacks it off to porn sometimes, but has CHOSEN YOU. Or dump him. Your choice.

 

Sometimes we'd be far better off not being "chosen"

 

 

My husband has made it quite clear that he's hard wired to become sexually aroused only by younger women, he'll service me occasionally, out of love for my mind, my personality and my kindness but the prospect doesn't excite him, doesn't arouse him, he'll service me like he'd mow the lawn but I need to ask for it... and not ask more than every couple of weeks because,well, I'm too old and sex with me is far more work than it's worth. In fact, if I can see my way clear to merely giving him a BJ while keeping my clothing on,he'd be ever so grateful to me.

 

It's funny, I'm too old for sex, I'm too old to arouse him sexually, that job belongs to the 100,000 other women he'd rather be with than me but I'm not too old to earn the money to pay our bills, to cook or to clean.. it's so special he "chose" me,at this point I wish that he'd chosen somebody else.

 

It's kind of funny, recently after giving me a chaste grandma kiss he told me how much more he loves me now than when he married me.. and how he'd marry me all over again, he asked me if I felt the same way.. I thought for a minute and quietly said "no". Go speak to your computer screen about love.

 

I'll honor the promise I made to be faithful, I'll honor my other legal and moral marital obligations but I refuse to pretend I'm in a loving, intimate marriage.