I'm sick of being me

[kahn2154]

I’m just sick of being alone, a few years ago the thought of me dying completely alone just seemed to be a pessimistic view in my mind, but now it seems like it will become a reality. I’m always depressed but have started to fall into a deep depression which seems to happen 1-2 times a year, just sad that I’ve wasted my high school and college years which are the best years of many peoples’ lives.

 

I’m 22, don’t have any friends, haven’t had a friend who I saw outside of school since Middle School, and never had a girl so much as look at me. I have no social skills whatsoever, if conversation with anyone ever went outside of sports/schoolwork I went silent, if anyone ever asked me about my personal life I freeze up. Now that college is over too I have no means of meeting people with no social skills.

 

I also hate I’m messed up and damaged for life because of growing up obese. I have no self esteem/confidence after being picked on the majority of my life. I lost the weight in HS and was optimistic and gained some confidence but it was deflated quickly when anorexic jokes started since I lost it over the summer and the fact my body still looked like crap because of loose skin. Right now I’m like 20lbs overweight, and have essentially yo-yoed up and down 20-30 lbs since my Junior year of High School, just losing motivation every time because of the fact I haven’t been able to build muscle and because of the loose skin I look worse in my best shape than most people do in their worst shape.

 

My body has also resulted in horrible posture to hide fat when I was younger that I have not fixed at all. I just graduated college without ever having a job in my life, I’ve been pretty resourceful and have made money through different ways, and have more money saved up than most kids my age, but really am no looking to get a real job now that I’ve graduated college. I’m kind of self employed I guess, but the main reason I’ve never looked to get a job is because of the fact I’m so self conscious that it’s basically taken over my life, I constantly worry about my body and what over people think of me.

 

I am shy and quiet and will only talk to others if they talk to me first, but seemingly annoy and push people away if I start to get to know them as I become clingy I guess.

 

For basically my entire life I’ve just sat in my room and gone to school I don’t go out at all, never in my life, because of alcoholic mother don’t drink and don’t like being around it either. I’m just sick of it, I wish I could start my life over as I’ve missed out on everything from my teen years and on. I wonder if I lost the weight a few years earlier and did not end up with any loose skin if I would be a completely different person and have a different life.

 

I don’t even know what I’m living for now, no friends, no future, and I don’t see how I will ever have a gf as I have a horrible body, no personality, no self confidence, no experience, and no way to meet anyone anyways. There is nothing a girl would find attractive about me, I’m damaged goods. I just don’t even know what to do anymore.

[Nevermind]

I can completely relate. However, your life isn't over.

 

You are 22. The world is your oyster. You just have to trust yourself. When you are alone, what do you do? How do you spend your time? Do you like to read? Watch movies? Play games? Take photos?

 

Stick with a hobby and try out different things with it. This is much easier than going completely crazy and suddenly decide to be totally into [insert fancy hobby]. If you like movies, check out film festivals. If you like games, go to a website that deals with them. They usually have a community section. You can hone your social skills and maybe make contact with people that have the same interest. There are amazing people everywhere, and you can ease into it. Reading...google for book clubs in your area. You will find that it is much easier to be relaxed in a social situation if there is a "frame" that holds it together.

 

Several times, you mentioned your weight and how it affects your self-confidence. You have heard that a lot, and I know how tiresome it can be, but you can do something about this. Start by having nice walks in parks and the natural environment of your area. If you haven't looked into photography or painting yet, you might even combine that. Once your body is used to walk a distance, you can start to take up running and join a gym. Maybe, depending on how you feel about it, you can join a weight watchers group.

 

If you're not going to work in a regular job right away, and seeing that you are so young, you could volunteer. There are programms abroad for half a year, a year, whichever time frame suits you. This will broaden your horizon and make you get in contact with lots of different people.

 

There is a lot about you, you have an education, you have a good way with money, you write well..don't underestimate yourself. Take a deep breath. The future you want lies ahead of you. You just need to make some steps in the right direction.

 

And when things get rough, come back here and get it off your chest. This board helps a lot.

[Ssheena]

Right! 22 is way young and you have a lot of years ahead of you. I really enjoyed my late 20's.

 

I know what you say about the loose skin. Seems everyone else has the money to get that fixed after they lose a lot of weight or have bypass surgery.

 

What has helped me in the past is some hypnosis tapes/cd's. One program could be one you listen to while relaxing/before going to sleep, whatever and the other program is subliminal suggestions. You hear elevator music and underneath are the suggestions.

 

What do you like? What do you think would be fun to do? I tell you, you could meet a lot of women if you learned to dance. That would be a good thing to do. Do they have any social hiking groups around where you are? Do you like animals? Maybe you could volunteer at a humane society.

 

Does your college have a placement office? You could go and take some tests and see where your interests lie. Maybe you could take a public speaking class or some sort of fluff class like acting.

 

It's ultimately up to you to make the first steps. Sometimes you have to force yourself to do something but then once you do, it's really good! There are many, many other people who share your insecurities, believe me and a lot of times what you see on the outside isn't what the person feels like inside. It's not something that you can "fix" in 24 hours or a week but something that you are going to have to work on everyday.

 

Again, I don't know where you are but if you have a bit of disposable money, a life-coach might be a help as well.

 

Failing all that Paxil is a drug for social anxiety/disorder, I forget the proper name for it.

 

How are you at assignments? For example if I said, your assignment for tomorrow is to:

1) investigate gym's in your area

2) write down 2 to 3 things you might be interested in

 

etc... Then you would be held accountable for fulfilling your assignments. Pass or fail.

[Yamaha]

I think you need to talk to a counselor or seek some professional help. Deep depression is a sign of needing professional help so don't be proud or stubborn and let someone help you that can deal with what your going through. There is no shame in asking for help.

[CanisLatrans]

I can relate as well. I’m 23, I have self image issues in the opposite extreme. I’m very small stature, and I find that on average probably most girls weigh more than I do, 140 pounds. I got my a*s kicked its fair share in high school. In college I worked really hard at the expense of my social life, and so I really never formed any long term friendships because I was always too busy. Now that I’m out of college and I have more free time, volunteer work has totally changed my life. I always thought that you had to fix yourself before you could help other people, but it’s really the other way around. Helping others in return allows you to feel good about yourself. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m a good person and I actually deserve to be liked. Also, most volunteer organizations are superb places to meet women who are also genuinely good hearted, and most of them are the mindset that they’re not overly judgmental and they will like someone for their altruism instead of their superficiality.