Need some insight

[SoLost72]

Ive been reading these forums for quite awhile and figured its time i post my issue and see what advice or comments or anything i can get. Sorry in advance if this is long.

 

Ive been married for a little over a year now but with my husband for going on six years total. Last year we moved into a new place and he was adamant that he pay all the bills (except for the groceries, childcare, household items, small things like that, i pay those and i pay for the upkeep on my vehicle). I was hesitant with this because Id been on my own for so long i wasnt used to that. But, we were married and we wanted a nicer place, so i agreed. I should have known that would turn into a serious issue down the road.

 

Things went well for a while, but over the past few months or so things have gotten really bad. He constantly criticizes me, he is constantly yelling or screaming about something, constantly complaining about the bills etc. I try to talk to him and come up with solutions, but its his way or else i get a guilt trip thrown on me (example...he is now telling me "fine i will just stay broke then"). He makes a LOT more money than i do. I stay broke it seems just with the things im responsbile for. He always has money tho to go out and purchase new video games (yes, he is absolutely addicted to vid games which is another issue altogether) or new mice for his PC, or new headphones..just whatever he wants. Whenever i mention to him how much money he could save, he tells me its his money and he can do what he wants. I dont spend ANY money on myself unless its for some make up here and there, or something i really need and i dont dare ask him for money because it will be thrown up in my face later down the rd.

 

Ive suggested we go to marriage counseling but no, he wont do that. He claims they dont work and they are a joke. I currently see a therapist for stress issues and anxiety and i have mentioned to her i was thinking about leaving. She told me that at this point right now, i should stay that ive been thru a lot over the last year and she isnt sure i could handle anymore life changing situations right now (issues with my ex husband, my current husband and i getting married, us moving into a new home). I dont know that i agree with her...isnt the situation im in a bad one? I just keep thinking she is a therapist so she has to have more experience with this than i do.

 

I just dont know what to do. I feel so lost its unreal. This doesnt feel like a marriage to me, it feels like a prison. Its almost like im unworthy because im not out doing "physical labor" all day and i dont make as much money as he does. I work 45 hours a week, I take care of the home, the kids and everything else. He works, tells me which bills he wants to pay each month and plays video games. He reminds me all the time about how i sit behind a desk and do "nothing" everyday. I resent him so much anymore because of the way he has acted. For the first 3 yrs he and i were together, i footed the bill for EVERYTHING and bought him EVERYTHING. I knew he was in a bad situation (couldnt find work etc) and i supported him fully. He never really helped much with the bills at my house when he finally got a job, maybe a couple times here and there he paid the electric bill. He was sooo sure he wanted to maintain all the bills at our new place tho, because of how i paid the bills all the time before we moved here.

 

Im pretty sure i want to leave this marriage. The issue i face is that i cant find anything i can afford on my own. I dont qualify for any type of assistance here so thats out. And if were to take something i could afford, id be living in some drug infested ghetto area with my 2 young kids..i cant do that either! So i feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

I would love for my marriage to work out, but im thinking its just too far gone now. I dont know what i truly feel for him anymore because i cant get past the resentment feelings. I just feel so low and so lost. I want to make him see things from my point of view so bad, but he just wont. I will try to come up with suggestions and he will just interrupt me before i even get to finish what i was saying with some type of excuse as to why my idea wont work when he hasnt even bothered to listen to what my suggestion was in the first place!! I have never been filled with so much anger in my life as i am these days. I just try to hold it all in because getting mad and blowing up wont do anything at all to help the situation. Dont get me wrong, i have my flaws and im not perfect, but i do the very best i can. He always tells me how lucky he is to have someone like me and this and that, but yet he turns around and does these things to me. I feel completely unappreciated, neglected, ignored, worthless, beneath him...it just goes on and on.

 

I dont even know if anyone will even have any advice for me. Maybe i just had to get this off my chest and hear different perspectives on it. I dunno, i just know that i feel so horrible inside and i have to do something to stop feeling this way. Suggestions, comments, whatever...i will listen to everything anyone says.