Wanting a Taken man

[Wonkette2008]

Hi all... I am having a moral dilemma and I need honestly to snap me out of what I am feeling and back to reality.

 

I went away to visit some friends of mine. One of their friends was a guy who I was immediately attracted to and it was clear that the attraction was mutual. He and I had a lot in common and conversation just came easily. I spent one night while I was there talking to him for so long that the sun rose.

 

In an awkward moment, I thought, "Wait...here is an intelligent, good-looking, successful man..." So I asked, "Before this flirtation goes any further... where is your girlfriend?" I didn't know if he had one or not, but I wanted to make sure.

 

His answer was, "Well... she is at home." I said, "OK then, you have no business out here talking and flirting with me." I got up to leave and he came after me and said..."Wait... I know that I shouldn't like you and I shouldn't be flirting with you. I have to retort or excuse for it except to say that I am not trying to do anything physical, but I DO really want to get to know you. I have been with this girl for 6 months and I don't think she is the one. I don't know if you would be either, but I didn't want this opportunity to know you pass me twice."

 

"Twice?" I said.

 

Then he told me that maybe 3 years prior he remembered meeting me at a mutual friends house and never being able to work up the courage to say anything to me. When I thought back and asked our friend he reminded me that I HAD met him before.

 

Either way, I told him that that was a sweet story, but it was still inappropriate and that if he wouldn't tell his girl, then he probably shouldn't be doing it.

 

The rest of the time I was there, he tried to convince me to allow him to just get to know me. Talk on the phone. Chit chat. No expectations.

 

He sounded sincere, but in the end he could still just want a thing on the side. When I told him that he said, "I am not trying to sleep with you or be physical and I understand and respect you and that decision. I don't know what I am feeling with you but I would like the chance to explore it. I understand that if I ever wanted anything other than friendship I would leave my girl. Just the idea that I am wanting someone else like this probably means that I shouldn't be with her or anyone anyway. But please consider allowing me to get to know you."

 

OK guys... so here it is. I like him. All in all, independent of the situation I think he is a great (if not greedy) person. Should I get to know him as friends and see what happens or should I run for the hills?

 

Wonkette

[underpants]

I don't know about that.

 

Smooth talker.

 

Here is the thing. You can tell him that it was nice getting to know him a little better however, he is in a relationship and you respect that.

 

If that changes and he finds himself free then you would be more comfortable pursuing knowing him better. Until such a time you wish him and his relationship the best.

 

If it is meant to be then let it come to you freely.

 

I do have to say. He chatted you up a bit while he was away from his gf. This would be a flag if you were to become involved with him later at some point. He is at best setting up the next thing. That is worrysome.

[neverendingsaga]

I have been with this girl for 6 months and I don't think she is the one. I don't know if you would be either...

 

 

ewww. so he is TELLING you he wants to stay w/ her and start dating you and 'see' whether your the one, or shes more the one, or maybe some other girl is the one. yuck, you dont want a man like that, listen to what he is saying & RUN. he thinks he is entitled to dip his toe into your pond while she still thinks theyre swimming in an exclusive pool. if i were you i would RUN RUN RUN, and i wish i had run from my man who thought he was entitled to do the same. well now i am but it is late for me, i was crush by a confused & indecisive & self-entitled man like that, get out before its too late.

[whichwayisup]

I have been with this girl for 6 months and I don't think she is the one. I don't know if you would be either, but I didn't want this opportunity to know you pass me twice."

 

Uhh, yeah. I would have walked away at that point. This guy has a girlfriend, yet he is sniffing out other women. IF he is interested in you, tell him to call you if he ever breaks up with his girlfriend. Until then, don't get involved at all. He sounds like a jerk anyway, what is it that you see in him?

[Wonkette2008]

He sounds like a jerk anyway, what is it that you see in him?

 

Honestly, I hear what you are saying and I know that there is the chance that he is just a selfish player/jerk. However, I am not an awful judge of character and I respect that he was honest. When we spoke that first night it was about everything and nothing and I found that there are many things to like about him.

 

Now, that does NOT mean that I am willing to be the other woman b/c I deserve more than that.

[whichwayisup]

..."Wait... I know that I shouldn't like you and I shouldn't be flirting with you. I have to retort or excuse for it except to say that I am not trying to do anything physical, but I DO really want to get to know you. I have been with this girl for 6 months and I don't think she is the one. I don't know if you would be either, but I didn't want this opportunity to know you pass me twice."

 

One more thing to think about...What if you were his girlfriend and he was doing this behind your back? Cozying up to someone else while you were at home?

 

Do they live together? That's the other thing, you have no idea if he is telling you the truth of how serious they actually are.

 

Now, that does NOT mean that I am willing to be the other woman b/c I deserve more than that.

 

I'm glad you see this.

[Lookingforward]

what happened to people "dating" - you know , where you see more than ONE person........or is that out of vogue these days ? everyone with a gf/bf is deemed in a "committed R" ?

 

I mean if someone is living with a SO, or engaged or married - obviously they are off limits - but what's with the "he has a gf so it's a no go" ??

 

Have things changed THAT much ?

[neverendingsaga]

what happened to people "dating" - you know , where you see more than ONE person........or is that out of vogue these days ? everyone with a gf/bf is deemed in a "committed R" ?

 

I mean if someone is living with a SO, or engaged or married - obviously they are off limits - but what's with the "he has a gf so it's a no go" ??

 

Have things changed THAT much ?

 

umm if i am someones G/F then he better not be out on the market looking for new dates. G/F to me implies commitment, otherwise he can tell me we're just dating casually w/ no commitment.

[Wonkette2008]

YES!!! THANK YOU!! That is exactly the kind of thing I need other people to say to me! What if I WERE her? I won't lie I, I thought of that. Even put myself in her shoes. I was in a relationship for 4 years and I would have wanted to skin my ex ALIVE for exploring the possibility of someone else while still lieing in my bed.

 

On the other hand, I can't understand my attraction to him. I am not one for quick/easy romances. I have NEVER actually been in a situation where I still wanted someone after they told me they had someone.

 

I have met men who said they had gf's and that was it for me.... they got a quick, "Eww. Move on."

 

I don't know what it is about him. I keep trying to rationalize saying that its just talking...

 

But if it were just that, I guess I wouldn't be engaging people on this forum for advice.

 

To deter myself from engaging him I have already deleted his number from my phone...Perhaps he will do us both a favor and just never call me.

 

(He got my number from a friend to pick me up before we even saw one another)

[Wonkette2008]

what happened to people "dating" - you know , where you see more than ONE person........or is that out of vogue these days ? everyone with a gf/bf is deemed in a "committed R" ?

 

I mean if someone is living with a SO, or engaged or married - obviously they are off limits - but what's with the "he has a gf so it's a no go" ??

 

Have things changed THAT much ?

 

To respond to this... he is not married, or engaged or living with anyone. I know this because we have several mutual friends who told me so.

[neverendingsaga]

good for you, i hope you just continue on your way & ignore this cad. im glad your taking our advice instead of waiting to find out the hard way like some of us (me!!) had to do. a good man keeps his commitments. a bad man makes excuses about why he cant or shouldnt have to. i am learning the hard way that i feel for a bad one.

[neverendingsaga]

To respond to this... he is not married, or engaged or living with anyone. I know this because we have several mutual friends who told me so.

 

well he called her his 'girlfriend', that usually implies commitment, or else why even mention her or not say 'ive been casually dating a girl but its nothing serious' or whatever. the big question is whether SHE thinks shes in a committed relationship. im pretty sure she would. and when you are a g/f in a committed relationship you would apprecite it if your man isnt out hitting on other women and trying to find one thats right for you w/out filling you in that YOUR not right for him ya know. so i think its good your respecting their relationship, wish i had done the same b/c i would hate to be in the other boat.

[kellykellykelly]

If you think you really like this guy, you must let him go end his relationship with his girlfriend first then call you when it is officially over. Trust me...... things are simple for you now. If you wait for him or keep in touch w him through this you will most likely get hurt. That is exactly how my relationship started 2 years ago and it has been a nightmare. So much pain, so many lies, denial.... it can get pretty hairy. After 2 years I am left with very little self-esteem to even help me get out of this. This is really no joke. I questioned myself in the beginning just like you are now. Now 2 years of my life are gone and I'm miserable. Run girl Run!

[Wonkette2008]

If you think you really like this guy, you must let him go end his relationship with his girlfriend first then call you when it is officially over.

 

Thanks for posting this. I am sorry that you had to go through all that you did.

[Lookingforward]

Must be a cultural thing then - to me having a gf or bf is what you do when you're seeing how it goes and whether you want to take it to the next level....... a bf or gf is just a little more than a friend - it implies you're romantically involved but that's all........

[TogetherForever]

Thanks for posting this. I am sorry that you had to go through all that you did.

 

 

Wonkette,

Are you interested in Confuzzled79 by any chance?

TF

 

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm.

[Lookingforward]

a late addition to my post -(it was too late to edit) - it does however make me understand now why there are so many "is he committment phobic" threads on this site

[Lizzie60]

To respond to this... he is not married, or engaged or living with anyone. I know this because we have several mutual friends who told me so.

 

So.. in other words he's single.. so what's wrong to get to know him better.. he's free afterall..

[Lookingforward]

So.. in other words he's single.. so what's wrong to get to know him better.. he's free afterall..

 

 

apparently not - sigh - seems there's single but unavailable these days LOL

[jon01]

I don't know about that.

 

Smooth talker.

 

Here is the thing. You can tell him that it was nice getting to know him a little better however, he is in a relationship and you respect that.

 

If that changes and he finds himself free then you would be more comfortable pursuing knowing him better. Until such a time you wish him and his relationship the best.

 

If it is meant to be then let it come to you freely.

 

I do have to say. He chatted you up a bit while he was away from his gf. This would be a flag if you were to become involved with him later at some point. He is at best setting up the next thing. That is worrysome.

 

^^^ I totally agree.

[TogetherForever]

If Confuzzled & Wonkette are the ones in this scenario, can we imagine if Confuzzled girlfriend chimed in??

Oh boy.

TF

[jon01]

if i were you i would RUN RUN RUN...

 

Good advice... but she won't run. I'll bet you she will pursue it, and get involved with him. This is where most of you women are WEAK WEAK WEAK! When you see a man you really like and are attracted to, all the rules go out the window. If OP was really smart and determined, she would never even have sat there talking with the guy until morning. But instead she did, and here she is starting a thread about "if it's ok to get involved", to validate her actions! HAHA! Too funny.. you ladies [shaking head]

[Lizzie60]

apparently not - sigh - seems there's single but unavailable these days LOL

 

WOW.. single and unavailable.. married and available..

[Lookingforward]

What rules ???? What happened to he's SINGLE (ie available) ??

[jon01]

What rules ???? What happened to he's SINGLE (ie available) ??

 

When you have a girlfriend or wife, or are "seeing someone", it means you are not single. You are supposed to be with that person only (unless you are a muslim 4 wife guy or John Travolta from saturday night fever).