I dont want the marriage anymore nor do I want to be married

[ladyday2u]

Many of you have read my post on this board so I am not going to bore you with this.

 

Me and my husband have gone to legal aid and filed for divorce. Now we are waiting for the attorneys to call us. ( hope its not too long ) anyway. I have told my husband that I dont love him,my feelings have changed for him, I dont want the marriage anymore nor do I want to be married. He refuses to hear me. He thinks we can work this out ( since he feels he is not the cause of this and I have told him it is nothing he has done but my feelings have just changed for him )

 

He's under the impression that once you fall in love and get married you cant fall out of love. He tells me that i am denying my feelings and that I do love him. He says that i have mocked God by lying to him when we took our vows, and for that I will go to hell. The only time one should fall out of love is when one is dead and you have no choice.

 

He tells me that I am not going to make it out here on my own and says alll kinds of mean things. Dont get me wrong, he is a god man but i cant handle it anymore. I wanted, thought marriage was for me but its not.

 

You might say it took me 25 years to come to that conclusion. all of my kids are grown but 1. He says that I want to "whore" around now and tells me that I am too old ( hell I am just in my prime 43 ) He cant see that out of the 25 years we have been together that we havent accomplished nothing but 4 kids.

 

I should have a home of my own, all kinds of clothes, jewlerly ect. but i have nothing but some living room furniture, a bedroom suit and yes my, our kids. Even though I have a home to go to its not mine. We live with his mother and have been for the last 25 years.

 

There is no man as he thinks and has always accused me of. Yes I have talked to men on the phone but thats all. But there is not to say I wont find one. Maybe.

 

But i do have a question though. I am still living with him. Like I said before, he thinks I am just confused, my co workers have Brainwashed me into thinking this is what I want. I still love him but I am denying my feelings for him. No I am not . I dont love him anymore and have told him many times. He keeps trying, but when I tell him I dont love him then he tells me I will have it hard out here. and that i am too old and noone will want me ect.

 

ok now for the question. I am still living in the house with him. Sometimes I feel by me staying there I am giving him false hope of me changing my mind. We also sleep in the same bed. Should I go? I am there till he gets his transportation and then I can get the car, but that wont be until sept. I have money to get me a car of my own but I need a way to get around now. Besides he needs the car right now cause he goes to the flee market on the weekends to make his money so he can pay on his truck. But I feel the longer I stay I am giving him false hope and that he might think that one day I will change my mind. I WONT.

 

HE THINKS I AM JUST DAM STUPID TO JUST THROW AWAY 25 YEARS. I was thinking about leaving him a note one Saturday after he has gone to the flee market and just leave.

[Just A Girl2]

First of all, God bless ya for putting up with a situation for 25 yrs that involved having to live with your mother inlaw. Your husband wasn't obviously much of a provider, or a huge Momma's boy, if that's the best he could provide for you and your children. I'm surprised you made it this long.

 

He's obviously saying the mean things he's saying because he's devastated and doesn't want to lose you, to some degree it sounds like he's in a lot of denial, too. Don't take anything he says to heart, or personally.....A lot of human nature is to lash out at those we care about when we feel they've hurt us. Not justifying his behavior, just trying to explain where it's likely coming from.

 

If it's at all possible,you really should try to find a place of your own.....ASAP, I think. It's not healthy for you to remain living with him, at Mommy's house...having to listen to his derogatory comments...which will eventually eat away at your self esteem so badly that maybe you'll actually start to believe that you'll be nothing without him.

 

If you can get yourself a good used car, do it. NOW. And if you can possibly get yourself your own place, even if it's a dinky bachelor suite, just get out so that you don't have to endure his anger and hurt.

 

The remaining child you have that's not yet on their own.....who will this child live with? What age?

 

The way he's treating you now is very abusive....verbal/mental abuse. I don't know what size of city/town you live in, but you might also want to consider contacting your local Battered Women's Shelter.....just so that you have someone to talk to about his verbal abuse....they also help women in bad situations to get out on their own...and could maybe put you in touch with the resources that will help you to move out onto your own ASAP, and get yourself your own vehicle. The women who work at/volunteer at these shelters are wonderful and have been in varying degrees/types of abusive relationships themself. Speaking with one of them is not going to get your husband charged with anything, so don't worry about that.........they will just be a really good support system for you, and can help you to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. You shouldn't have to remain living there with him, and especially, having to share a bed with him. And yes, doing so is likely only going to give him false hope.

 

To find the name of the nearest Domestic Abuse Shelter, you can call up your local hospital or police station......ask them if they can give you the number...just say you need to talk to someone for a little advice/support.

 

Or, do a search on the search engine Google: http://www.google.com (click on that link to take you there) and in the "search box" type in: womens shelter __________ (in the blank, type in the name of the city/town you live in, or the nearest major city).

 

Hope this helps

JAG2

[Starlight43]

hmmm. I'm not sure where to start. I guess first off I'll say that I'm christian so I don't really believe in divorces unless there is something like abuse. but I dunno I'm sure you dont want to hear this..but maybe you could go to a marriage counselor or something? Or maybe you guys could take a vacation somewhere just the two of you..to get to know eachother again and sort of liven things up and make something different.

[Just A Girl2]

. I guess first off I'll say that I'm christian so I don't really believe in divorces unless there is something like abuse

 

As a Christian woman, what do you think about a man who, along with his wife and children, have lived with his MOTHER for 25 yrs? What about the verse in the Bible, something about men cleaving unto their wife........

 

I think this woman must be close to being a saint, to put with having to spend 25 yrs of her married live living with her mother inlaw. That's just absurd and surely something to put a great strain on the marriage.

[Starlight43]

yes i'm sure it causes great strain. i was just suggesting to her that maybe it could be worked out because I dont believe in divorces. thats all.

[Ally Boo]

First, let me commend you on sticking to your guns, despite what others think you should do. That's always hard. However, part of your post bothers me....

 

Originally posted by ladyday2u

I should have a home of my own, all kinds of clothes, jewlerly ect. but i have nothing but some living room furniture, a bedroom suit and yes my, our kids.

 

Honey, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting those things for yourself. However, you NEED to understand that it's probably not going to happen any time soon.

 

I was only married a year and a half (it was very emotionally draining, so I'd expect a lot of drama...considering how he's acting now). It has taken me 3 years to even TRY to get back on my feet again, so keep in mind that it's going to be a long road. Fortunately, I've found ways to make myself make it, but there were several times where (although I KNEW leaving my ex was the best thing to do), all I could think about was, "God, if I'd only found a way to STAY!" So, make sure that you keep in mind that the road to singledom is hard....very hard, but if it's the right thing for you to do, it's worth it.

 

I think that your husband in particular is being discouraging because, obviously, he doesn't want you to leave. His reasonings sound selfish to me. I don't really understand why your co-workers would be discouraging.

 

The best advice I could give you, is, plan. You are doing well, by thinking about when you can leave. Leaving on a whim, is just going to make it harder. Just stick to your guns, consider getting some divorce care counseling through a church, or a maybe a non-profit counseling organization that would charge based on a percentage of your income. Of course, you are always welcome to come here, but, none of us are professionals, and can only speak from experience.

 

I think that in order to make sure that you stay mentally healthy, you should get some support, without a doubt.

 

You aren't living him with hope. I mean, you've already TOLD him you plan on leaving, and you don't love him....period. Shame on him for not listening. Just make a plan on how to get a car, a place, lawyer, your child, etc. This is the BEST thing you can do for yourself, if leaving is what you want deep in your heart.

 

Good luck!

 

Oh, one last thing....I'm sure that you'll hear this again, if you haven't heard it before....but the LAST thing you need to worry about, is finding a Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet, and save you from all of your problems. It's NOT gonna happen, in all likely hood. This is all YOU girl, and you can do it! Just stay strong....you obviously ARE strong, to go through what you have, an dstill want what's best for you. That shows healthy self-esteem, and you deserve praise for that.

[cadet326]

hi I am a guy and my wife is in the army and we have been married for about 6 months and she is doing the same thing to me. I would just like to say that it is really hurtfull to a mans ego and self esteem when the woman he loves doesnt need him anymore. I would lile to say that when your husband says those mean things about how you wont make it on your own., he is actually refering to him self, the bottem line is, that it can kill a man to not be able to wake up every morning next to the woman he loves, I really feel for your husband. I am not taking his side but you have to ask your self that if after 25 years how come his feelings dont mean anything to you? does it matter to you that he is affraid of being alone. my wife has killed me inside she has said that everything she ever told me about having kids and how much she loved me was all a lie. I cant even sleep at night cause I have nothing but good dreams about us and all the good times we had. men have a problem letting go, and trust me even the though the best thing for your self is to just leave that doesnt mean he will leave you alone, he will call every day and beg and plead with you to reconcider, it will piss you off and it will push you away even more that is what i did and my wife lied and got a restraining order. I think you should leave as soon as possible. you staying there is only going to make it harder for him to let you go.and remeber just cause you leave dosnt mean the relationship is over and if you do leave he can sue you for desertion. also was the living situation your mother inlaw taking care of you and your husband or the other way around? I would really like to talk to you a little more. I really hope you are doing what is in your heart and giving your self enough time to concider everything, 25 years is a long time I have only been with my wife for two years and I cant let go. just be fair and try and concider his point of view after all he is a man, and we cant live with out women you are the reason we live.

thanks for hearing me out

cadet326

[ladyday2u]

I WORK AND I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. HE GIVES ME A LITTLE SOMETHING SOMETHING BUT I BASICALLY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND HAVE DONE SO THE PAST 25 YEARS, EVEN WHEN I WAS ON WELFARE. HE HAS ONLY HAD A REAL PAYING JOB IN THE JON MARKET ONCE AND THAT WAS IN 1982 SINCE THEN HE HAS DONE THE NIGHT CLUB CIRCUIT GETTING PAID NDER THE TABLE MAKINGING ONLY LITTLE MONEY ABOUT 200.00 A PAY AND HE WOULD DRINK MOST OF IT UP AND THEN HE WOULD ONLY BRING HOME ABOUT 100.00 MAYBE LESS. YOU CAN TALK TO ME ANYTIME

[80's Girl]

My heart goes out to you.

You replied to my post and I thank you deeply for your kind words. Some of the replies I have gotten have been terribly mean.

 

As I was reading your post I thought it was something I had written. My feelings are never "real" unless he tells me that they are. I am never right in any situation. His negativity has started affecting our children.

 

He is very controlling and I feel like I can't take it another day.

I wonder if it selfish of me to want to find happiness.

He tells me that if I leave him I wont find anyone because who would want me? Our stories are so similar. If you would like to chat sometime I would like that.

 

And remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE

[ladyday2u]

Thanks for getting back to me and I am sorry things are going this way for us. Yes i would like to chat with you sometime.It is nice to know that you are not alone and tha someone out there is willing to talk to you and not think you are nutts.

 

He tells me that I need serious help. I need to see a psycologist. Huh. Just because he doent know why I feel the way I do..He says I have not consider his feelings, but like I told him I am not trying to be mean but his feelings dont matter because I feel the way I do and he should be gald that I am woman enough to tell him I dont love him anymore and I dont want the marriage. I have also told him to go and find another and be happy cause I cant do it.

 

What more can I tell him. I will admit that I have a past of infidelity ( 25 years ago ) up until now I have been faithful and still am faithful but I have made myself happy and have another I havent had sex with him and he knows I am going through a divorce and he says he will not sleep with me until I am divorce because he respects me..

 

I am here every night between 6:00 pm and midnight.. monday thru friday. I would love to hear from you. Now I feel like I am not alone..Thanks. talk to ya soon.

[jenny]

which sect of christianity is against divorce but for premarital sex? man, there is a schism for everything!

[moimeme]

It's probably the corner 'church of Fred'. Boggles the mind how many churches pop up which are associated with no particular denomination.

[almost to sad]

My husband and I dont get along ... we actually can't stand each other, but he wont move out.

 

We have three children and the house is in my name. I have work, and get a social security check for my son who has Cerebral Palsy. I try to get along but I just can't stand him. Its the things he does. He is a loser. We've been together for 8 years, but we've been married for only 1, and it has been the worst year of my life.

 

It was bad before. He barely works, I take care of the kids, and everything in the house I bought. Plus, he is a marajuana head - that's all he does.

 

I really messed up when I married him, but I was in search of a family I already had with my children. He did help get the down payment for the house though. I don't know what to do. I think I should leave and just start over.

 

Tenneille

[ladyday2u]

I;ve been divorced since oct. 3rd. 2003 now and I am doing just fine.. It is hard being on my own but I am making I am in a new relationship, the man that I am with is kind, he works and helps me pay the bills. He is really good to me. Your situation sounds alot like mine was, but you have to make it up in your mind what is best for you. ..keep me posted in your decision...

 

Keep your head up......

 

your not alone..... monica