Sheep In Wolf's Clothing?

[Karyyk]

I've been reading a lot on these forums about the whole nice guy/bad boy thing, and trying to figure out where I stand in all of it. I really don't see myself as either type (I'm definitely not a wolf seeking new prey, but I try not to be a doormat either), but I do realize that once I'm in a committed relationship, I may fall prone to being too agreeable. That's not to say that I won't stand up for myself, but they (significant others) basically *KNOW* that there's nothing I wouldn't do for them at that point. I wonder if that means that then they know that they have *ME* just where they want *ME* :-\

 

I think I give off a bit of a bad boy vibe (I've been told I have a certain swagger, an almost devil-may-care body language), but I know all of that probably changes once I commit. I know my level of anxiety about the relationship definitely rises a ton, but it's something I keep in check most of the time...I can shoulder a lot). Is that change what seems to scare women away? I really don't get it...but I keep thinking there might be something to it. I don't think I get boring or passive, I still like doing things and definitely like surprising, big and small, but I'm kind of at a loss. It just seems that their interest level wanes as mine rises...any ideas? Anyone?

[Karyyk]

Yeah...I realize this may well be a stupid topic, but someone could say something.

 

Replying to your own post is pretty pathetic you know...

[KidEternity]

I don't think I can help you out, but I'd say I'm in the same situation, I wouldn't consider myself a bad boy, but I'm pretty passive, and really laid back so my "yeah, whatever" attitude might come across as doormat behaviour.

 

I think it must be cofort thing, once I start to feel pretty comfortable in a relationship, they bail, must be giving off to much off a "I'm super-commited to you" vibe. I don't know... I also definately like making the relationship interested, and trying to keep those same feeling as the start of it (ie the chase/get to know each other stage) but yeah once it gets to about 3/4 months its "we need to talk!"

 

Also lately with women I haven't been feeling any connections with girls I meet and it makes me a bit depressed that I don't get the same goosebumps I once did thinking about someone, so I've been kind of sleazing about and have strangely got plenty of interest and I think it is simply because I have given up, I don't care, I don't want to impress or attract anyone...

[Karyyk]

I just wonder why being "super-committed," as you refer to it, is such a bad thing? I'm guessing there's some other behavior that goes along with that in a lot of cases that's the actual turn-off. When I'm at that phase I basically want to do everything I possibly can for them, which to me seems natural, but I wonder if that makes them actually feel worse about themselves, either because I'm doing things they feel they ought to do, or maybe because they start feeling doubtful about the fact that they can live up to what they believe are my expectations. I really only have one expectation...that they love me as best as they can. I'm not looking for a 50-50 split, I don't keep score, and I don't think any relationship works when the people involved do that.

 

I just don't know. In a way, I wish I didn't care. I know I don't care about impressing or attracting people, I'm basically just myself and if someone is attracted to that, then great (it's worked out before). I just wonder if the sudden change is unnerving to a woman. It takes me a long time to come to the point where I'm ready to enter a new relationship, and I know that sometimes is read the wrong way (as not being interested, but in reality, I'm just careful...I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to be hurt again).

[TiffanyLove]

Alright... I wasn't sure about how to reply to you because you didn't give that much detail about what behaviors you employ when you begin a "committed" relationship, but let me just try to tackle this with what I know.

 

First, I am a very attractive woman... I get hit on all the time. Most guys are freakin' LAME with their come-on's and even worse when the relationship moves from casual dating to something more. In fact, today I had to tell a guy that he was putting too much pressure on me in the relationship (after 5 dates) and that there was ZERO sexual tension because he put me on a pedestal. Interestingly enough, he is everything that I want in a guy, but since he laid all of his feelings out there, was too available, and basically led me to believe that I would be able to walk all over him in a relationship, I had to end it. I mean, why would I want to be with a guy who put himself into the friend zone? http://www.firstloveyou.com/friend-zone.html

 

 

Soooo, here's a question for ya - how do you know when you are in a "committed relationship"? Like, how long after you start dating a girl... and do you have a discussion about moving to the next level? I ask that because some people simply assume that after 5-10 dates or sex that they're committed... not so.

 

You said

I know my level of anxiety about the relationship definitely rises a ton, but it's something I keep in check most of the time...I can shoulder a lot). Is that change what seems to scare women away?

YES! That does scare women away.

1) Anxiety = pressure. And that pressure sucks! Even if you think that you're not showing it, trust me, women can read your thoughts. A lot of communication is non-verbal. We can tell when a guy really digs us. We know when a guy will do anything for us. People want what they can't have. It's human nature. Letting someone know that they are your one and only is not a good thing - until after you have both said "I love you". (And as a guy, you should wait until she says it first.)

 

2) Why are you so anxious about the relationship? Relationships are insecure by nature. If you approach it like "Gee, I really hope it works out with this person because they are so awesome", you are giving off a needy vibe and that will repel anyone.

 

Also, you said

I just wonder why being "super-committed," as you refer to it, is such a bad thing? I'm guessing there's some other behavior that goes along with that in a lot of cases that's the actual turn-off. When I'm at that phase I basically want to do everything I possibly can for them, which to me seems natural, but I wonder if that makes them actually feel worse about themselves, either because I'm doing things they feel they ought to do, or maybe because they start feeling doubtful about the fact that they can live up to what they believe are my expectations.

Here are some behaviors:

1) Unequal phone call/email/text frequency. If she is calling you less than you are calling her, then you need to even that out.

 

2) Gift-giving. Yeah, people say they like gifts, but let me tell you - when a person gives you extra thoughtful gifts early in the relationship, it can be over-whelming... not because we don't think we deserve it, but because we did nothing to prompt it. It also shows that the gift-giver doesn't think that they are a prize themselves. The guy I just (gosh, I don't want to say dumped) dumped today brought me a rose on our 5th date... I don't even like roses... he then proceeded to give me a poem that he wrote for me. Ugh! Too much, too soon.

 

3) Not showing any interest in the opposite sex. My ex used to put me on a pedestal so much that when a hot girl walked by/came on TV, he wouldn't even acknowledge that she was attractive... or he would say something like "she's cute, but you're soooo beautiful"... gag gag vomit. Dude, we're human. There are a bunch of attractive people out there who we would jump on if given the chance. I don't care how hot my man is, if Johnny Depp or Leonardi DiCaprio showed up, my panties would definitely get damp. The end.

 

4) If they can't match what you do (as far as gifts, surprises, and love declarations), then yeah, it does make them feel bad. I mean, who wants to compete in a relationship? No one I know.

 

5) Why do you want to do everything you can for them? Do it for yourself. Treat yourself better than you treat anyone else and you will remain highly attractive and sexy.

 

I feel like I'm just giving you a few pointers which may or may not help you because I'm not sure about your situation. If you want, you can read more at my website at http://www.firstloveyou.com/index.html . If you do decide to read it, make sure you check out Bad Girl Bianca's seduction guide... as well as the articles about Alpha Males. I wrote all of it because I'm so sick of men being pushovers and I LOVE when a guy displays sexy behavior - confidence, unpredictability, sex appeal, self-respect, and fearlessness. Even when you're in a committed relationship, you have to continue being self-mindful and self-respecting... you have to continue to seduce your partner or you'll be alone at home masturbating rather than getting it on with your lover.

 

Feel free to PM me here if you have any questions. I have a lot of experience with relationships and seduction... and I would love to help you! Good luck sweetie.