Commitment phobic and relationship dependant

[Spaz]

My boyfriend and I broke up July 4. We went out for close to two years. Things were good for about the first year, then he picked up a bad habit, that I can never accept. Then we started arguing about the little things. Most of our relationship has been long distance, about 70 percent. The last while he's been living here, and we have just been arguing, talking about breaking up. Then I finally said, okay that is it. The feeling was mutual.

 

He is still living here. He will be able to move out at the end of the month. I am having a hard time. Lately I've been really bummed.

 

In my past I don't do well single. I don't want to get like that again. I want to learn to accept myself and love myself. But I freak out like I am going to die of loneliness.

 

I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship.

 

But I know it's going to be difficult for me to remain single.

 

I hate being by myself. It's hard to get out and establish positive friendships. It's hard to even go to work, I feel so spaced out. It's hard to go home because he is still here. It's hard to be strong. I just want to be able to move on. I am also scared. I am mad at him for still being here, yet I am sad that he will be leaving.

 

I don't know what to do or how to feel. I am lost in this world. It is so hard to focus on myself. I hate long distance relationships. I am going back to school eventually, in about 2 years, then it will be 2 years till I"m finished. So I will be 28 before I am done and even settled to be in one place for a while.

 

The age I am at now, I used to expect myself to be married and owning a house already. I am not even close to that. Not even close to where I want to be. I feel like I am stuck.

 

How do I move on? How do I heal? How do I stay strong? How do I learn to love myself? When will I be ready to date again?

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "My boyfriend and I broke up July 4."

 

July 4, Independence Day...interesting coincidence.

 

YOU ASK: "How do I move on? How do I heal? How do I stay strong? How do I learn to love myself? When will I be ready to date again?"

 

Your lucky I don't charge by the question!

 

1. "How do I move on?"

 

Your problem isn't moving on. You've already done that. You didn't get along with the guy...the two of you argued all the time...the two of you were completely incompatible. By your own admission, it was a bad deal all the way around. So moving on isn't the problem. You've done that.

 

2. "How do I heal?"

 

It takes time. But, again, there's no wound. You really didn't get along with this dude. You didn't mention even once that you loved him. He was a habit. He was a body to be around because you are afraid of being alone...or at least you don't like being by yourself much. That's your problem. Not healing...you're healed. You said yourself...your biggest problem is not liking being alone.

 

Once you realize being alone is a thousand times better than being with the wrong person, you won't mind it so much. The question is: how many sucking relationships do you have to get into in order to avoid loneliness before you realize that being alone and taking your time to find the RIGHT person is the better route to go?

 

3. "How do I stay strong?"

 

Eat right, exercise and take vitamins. You also have to work on yourself. I suggest if this being alone thing is so terrible for you that you seek counselling to find out exactly why you have such a problem with it. There will be one day in your life when you relish the time you are alone. Meanwhile, you will attrain strength by doing things that you can enjoy by yourself and getting to know and love yourself more. When you love yourself, you will enjoy being alone because you will love the person you are with...YOU!

 

4. "How do I learn to love myself?"

 

Find things about yourself to love. If you can't think of any, start getting involved in things and behaving in such ways that you will induce yourself to think more of you. Who in your life put you down so much? Go tell them to kiss your butt.

 

5. "When will I be ready to date again?"

 

In my opinion, it will be August 17, 2003 or the week thereof. However, it would be so much nicer if you took six months off to be by yourself and enjoy doing things alone...getting to know yourself....learning things about you that you can love. And don't spend all your free alone time on the computer. Get out and do things that are positive and enjoyable.

 

If you want to make new friends, sign up for volunteer work, get on to new hobbies that you will enjoy...knock yourself out.

[Spaz]

Thank you so much Tony, I really needed to hear some words of wisdom on this issue. It's always good to hear someone elses perspectives on things because when you are the one in the situation, you may be caught up in all of the emotions with your thinking on shutdown mode.

I plan on hanging out with friends and socializing more. And will learn to appreciate my alone time. Thanks again.

[michiganmale27]

Tony, AS ALWAYS, is right on this issue. It takes time, hell I'm still healing from my breakup but each day that passes makes me that much closer to being my old self again. I didn't wait a month and a half like Tony predicted. I wound up dating someone about 2 weeks after the breakup.

 

A good way to feel good about yourself is something you can do and it doesn't cost you a dime. Go walking, I find that I'm walking about 3-4 miles a day now. It is a great stress reliever, and you feel GREAT after you finish.

 

Time takes care of everything Spaz

[Starlight43]

It's a bummer what happened with everything. but ya know what? ..its only a bummer, and its only one guy. You just have to look at it like that. but first things first, if you want to move on and get on with your life, you have to make that dicision, in saying 'that decision' I mean the decision of moving on. I know breakups are hard but one thing you can do right now is to stay busy. along with that, always remember to smile, and think of how much you have to offer to people.. and i bet a lot of people love ya, so i bet its a lot! and always remember to be true to yourself. Because when you give the best to the world, the best will always come back to you. oh one more thing I almost forgot...dont forget to pray to God, you can ask him or tell him anything...he'll help you.

[Spaz]

Thank you so much michiganmale27 and Starlight. I will give it time and try to stay active and healthy and be content with all the things I do have.

[michiganmale27]

your welcome, you can do it!

[Spaz]

He's been out of my apartment for a while now. It's so weird. I don't like living by myself. He's been pot free for a week now and he's doing active stuff, stuff I wanted him to do with me, like things we used to do together. It's funny how he lost me and changed. It was so hard watching the man I fell in love with turn into a demotivated pot head. It's wonderful he's changed, I hope it lasts for him. I miss the old him because he made me so happy. I don't think there is anyone out there that will make me laugh like he did. I've been told I'm going to turn into a cat women. I don't want to be alone forever, but men only seem to have one thing on their mind when they look at me.