It's him or nobody.

[idratherbewithyou]

It's been a couple of years now since we were an item. My heart is only growing fonder. I am only becoming more and more convinced that there is nobody else like him. He says he won't date me because of the distance. I am likely to wait forever. I know that the usual advice is to move along, but if you had what we had you would know better. Most people never find someone to relate with the way we do. If they do find that person they'd be a fool to let them go. I am digging in for the long haul. I've known him 3.5 years now and he's only getting more and more loveable. Have you ever known anyone to make this type of commitment with no guarantee whatsoever? How did it turn out?

[HisLove]

I think, when I read this, that my first thought was oh he doesn't love you the same way. So he can't be 'the one'.

 

I've learned that men usually mean what they say...it's just women analyse it into something else. He says he won't date you. He hasn't dated you for 2 years. And he isn't giving you any reason to think that is going to change.

 

What else are you hearing in what he is saying to you? What I hear is he doesn't want to be with you - he said it outright - and his actions are reinforcing that.

 

It really sucks. So 'the one' is still out there for you, you haven't met him yet.

[idratherbewithyou]

The reason it's him or nobody has much more to do with me than it does with him. He's the only person I've been able to be completely open with and it is highly unlikely that I will ever be that open with any man in the future. Now that I know what real intimacy is, I will not settle for less. I'd rather be alone.

[Country_Girl]

I agree with HISLOVE, my first thought was "unrequited love".

 

It sounds like you want to be with him because he is familiar, he's compfortable, he's safe. You can build this level of intimacy with someone else, but that will take time. It's hard, cuz meeting someone new entails putting yourself out there, surrendering your trust, your heart. But it CAN be built with a new interest, it just won't happen overnight.

 

I would not hold out for him. If he felt the same, he would at least try. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, this man is not willing to do the same for you.

[Lucky_One]

Why are you making a conscious decision to be miserable for the rest of your life?

 

Also, if I had a guy stay in contact with me who said that he only loved me more and more and I told him flat that I'd never date him - then I'd start to get scared of him. That's sort of weird, you know?

[TMichaels]

The reason it's him or nobody has much more to do with me than it does with him. He's the only person I've been able to be completely open with and it is highly unlikely that I will ever be that open with any man in the future. Now that I know what real intimacy is, I will not settle for less. I'd rather be alone.

 

idratherbewithyou, it's always a good idea to not settle for less than you deserve. However, while you're waiting things out, spend some time thinking about what it is *about you* that makes it so difficult to let down your guard and "let others in." That insight is something you need to know, understand and overcome if you want to be happy -- and it's a gift you need to give yourself, not rely on someone else to provide.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Tomcat33]

I'm sorry but I think you really need to look at what you have here, you have a unilateral attraction with the intent of more. He has told you he does not want to date so as much as you have a great connection you are buliding this up in your own mind.

 

You really should listen to those who tell you to move on. I know it's hard but listen to them they are only looking out for you and

seeing what is very hard for you to see being on the inside .

[twice_shy]

I think, when I read this, that my first thought was oh he doesn't love you the same way. So he can't be 'the one'.

 

Thats not necessarily true. I could understand his take on it. I haven't seen many LDR's last long. Why? Because it always seems because of the distance, one of them ends up cheating and blaming it on being lonely.

 

That and the concepts of "out of sight, out of mind" and "what they don't know won't hurt them".

 

he may be thinking that and not wanting to deal with any of it.

[idratherbewithyou]

idratherbewithyou, it's always a good idea to not settle for less than you deserve. However, while you're waiting things out, spend some time thinking about what it is *about you* that makes it so difficult to let down your guard and "let others in." That insight is something you need to know, understand and overcome if you want to be happy -- and it's a gift you need to give yourself, not rely on someone else to provide.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

I'm thinking...it hurts...I'm not getting through the pain...no words come to mind.

[idratherbewithyou]

I'm sorry but I think you really need to look at what you have here, you have a unilateral attraction with the intent of more. He has told you he does not want to date so as much as you have a great connection you are buliding this up in your own mind.

 

You really should listen to those who tell you to move on. I know it's hard but listen to them they are only looking out for you and

seeing what is very hard for you to see being on the inside .

 

I hear you and I see your point. Would you settle when you already know the right person? I am not going to have a better relation. This is based on a substantial amount of experience.

[Habibti]

The outcome? He was single for awhile, eventually he met someone else. They fall in love- girl who waited was completely devestated, bewildered, shocked. She couldn't believe that it would happen that way- she would be so devoted, hold on to such love in her heart for someone only to not get the fairy tale ending. Anyhow, eventually she let go and moved on. Wouldn't you know it? She ended up finding someone she clicked better with, she was able to be more open with, satisfied her needs more completely..and GASP..She fell so deeply in love with it felt new, even though it hadn't been. Fortunately, this time she got her happy ending because that wonderful guy was also interested in her too, it was a love they built together- in unison. She learned a really hard and painful lesson, but when she let go- she found love and intimacy beyond her wildest dreams.

[idratherbewithyou]

Thats not necessarily true. I could understand his take on it. I haven't seen many LDR's last long. Why? Because it always seems because of the distance, one of them ends up cheating and blaming it on being lonely.

 

That and the concepts of "out of sight, out of mind" and "what they don't know won't hurt them".

 

he may be thinking that and not wanting to deal with any of it.

 

Cheating was never an issue. At any moment either of us could haved decided we liked a closer person better with the agreement that we would be honest and open about it. If either of us just wanted physical contact it was understood that was acceptable, with or without disclosure. It worked very well.

 

OTOH, longing was a big problem. Eventually it destroyed our happiness.

[idratherbewithyou]

The outcome? He was single for awhile, eventually he met someone else. They fall in love- girl who waited was completely devestated, bewildered, shocked. She couldn't believe that it would happen that way- she would be so devoted, hold on to such love in her heart for someone only to not get the fairy tale ending. Anyhow, eventually she let go and moved on. Wouldn't you know it? She ended up finding someone she clicked better with, she was able to be more open with, satisfied her needs more completely..and GASP..She fell so deeply in love with it felt new, even though it hadn't been. Fortunately, this time she got her happy ending because that wonderful guy was also interested in her too, it was a love they built together- in unison. She learned a really hard and painful lesson, but when she let go- she found love and intimacy beyond her wildest dreams.

 

We were always more interested in the other person's happiness than we were in being together. That is what love is all about.

[D-Lish]

I hear you and I see your point. Would you settle when you already know the right person? I am not going to have a better relation. This is based on a substantial amount of experience.

 

Why don't you move?

[idratherbewithyou]

Why don't you move?

 

You have arrived at the same conclusion as I have. It will take some time though, it's very far.

[twice_shy]

Cheating was never an issue. At any moment either of us could haved decided we liked a closer person better with the agreement that we would be honest and open about it. If either of us just wanted physical contact it was understood that was acceptable, with or without disclosure. It worked very well.

 

So you are saying you two agreed that physical contact with other people was ok?

 

If so, then that is probably why he won't date you, or whatever that means. I'm assuming you are really talking about being a couple and being exclusive. If so, then that would conflict with the idea about wanting physical contact with other people and it being acceptable.

 

And cheating isn't an issue because it sounds like he is designing the relationship so it doesn't become one. You can't cheat on someone you aren't exclusive with.

[TMichaels]

I'm thinking...it hurts...I'm not getting through the pain...no words come to mind.

 

Huh?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

You have arrived at the same conclusion as I have. It will take some time though, it's very far.

 

Interplanetary trips usually are...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HisLove]

omg TM - interplanetary trips too funny.

 

I was thinking about your post and thought, hang on HisLove, you are also waiting at the moment for somebody. However, he has had a lot to contend with in the past 5 months including a sick mother, work he hasn't been paid for, looking after his children fulltime while his exwife had a series of operations, being rear ended by a semi trailer, and a 43 year old sister having a stroke.

 

The difference though, is he is still interested in a relationship with me, it's not the distance that is the problem. Well it's a problem of course I wish he lived in my state for starters lol. But it's not THE problem.

 

I will wait WITH him for a little while, but I won't wait forever.

[TMichaels]

omg TM - interplanetary trips too funny.

:bunny:

 

I was thinking about your post and thought, hang on HisLove, you are also waiting at the moment for somebody. However, he has had a lot to contend with in the past 5 months including a sick mother, work he hasn't been paid for, looking after his children fulltime while his exwife had a series of operations, being rear ended by a semi trailer, and a 43 year old sister having a stroke.

 

The difference though, is he is still interested in a relationship with me, it's not the distance that is the problem. Well it's a problem of course I wish he lived in my state for starters lol. But it's not THE problem.

 

I will wait WITH him for a little while, but I won't wait forever.

 

Sometimes you DO just to have to throw in the towel. BUT... hopefully, his streak of unbelievably bad luck will soon be over and he'll have a chance to attend to other matters that have been put on the back burner of late.

 

I'll cross my fingers for you, HisLove...

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[idratherbewithyou]

So you are saying you two agreed that physical contact with other people was ok?

 

If so, then that is probably why he won't date you, or whatever that means. I'm assuming you are really talking about being a couple and being exclusive. If so, then that would conflict with the idea about wanting physical contact with other people and it being acceptable.

 

And cheating isn't an issue because it sounds like he is designing the relationship so it doesn't become one. You can't cheat on someone you aren't exclusive with.

 

We had a very active remote physical relationship. It was so charged up that each of us would have understood the other seeking release elsewhere with no hard feelings. I never did but that could have been the major contributing factor to my loss of patience and the dissolution to our relationship. There is a definite limit to the amount and intensity of foreplay one can endure before the brain short-circuits.