bubumon Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 all my life i've been in my sister's shadow as she was the smart one who got good grades and got into good schools... when i graduated college, i left home to find a job but i'm still close with my mom, we talk every day. i'm actually quite proud of myself as i moved to a new country by myself, found a decent job and would be able to support myself financially if i didn't fall really sick last year and spent a fortune on medical expenses (still healing now, so still spending a chunk of my salary on medical expenses) even though i'm close to my mom, i still feel like a failure when my mom boasts to everyone she can about how smart her daughter (my sister) is, about how she got into a really high profile company, how she works hard and works long hours, how much money she earns, etc etc etc (back when we were both in school, it was boasting how my sister got into this really good high school, then really good college, got a part-time job while still in school...of course i got a part time job while in school too, but i never heard my mom boasting of my schools or my jobs)... once my mom was talking to someone about how my sister had a ton of job offers and she works really long hours now, and how even on vacation she has to work (i actually have to too, and my mom's seen me work during vacation without saying anything)...and the friend she was talking to actually said about me, "your other daughter works hard too, i saw her working while we were waiting at the airport the other day" and my mom dismissed the comment with, "oh, she was just studying vacation books", and went on about my sister and how my sister gives her money to spend and stuff... i am proud of my job, and if i didn't fall sick, i would have a lot of money too. i told my mom that once, and she asked me my salary, and when i told her she said, "that's considered a lot of money?" don't get me wrong though, my mom and i are close...and i tell her almost everything in my life and she cares about me a lot (especially my health, since i fell sick). but when i mentioned that she was only boasting about my sister to others, she pondered about it for a while and said, "well parents will usually talk about the smarter one more". i've managed to forget a lot of childhood unhappiness caused by being in my sister's shadow since i moved out, but seeing my family recently caused all these feelings to come back out again. i keep telling myself i'm too old for this sibling rivalry, but the emotions are still here. am i just thinking too much? Link to post Share on other sites
Micki Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 I don't think you're too old. I know lots of middle-aged people who are still very competitive and even hostile with their siblings. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 You don't need your mom's validation or approval. If you are happy with your life, and how much $$ you make, then it really shouldn't matter what your mom thinks. Live your life for YOU, not for her or anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
GPFan Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Yes, you are jealous of your sister and rightfully so; your Mother clearly favours her. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. Parents do the best they can but when they have a child who 'gets' them, who they favour because the child is a soul mate, then their other children simply can't fill those shoes. I believe this happens to some degree in most families. Parents who are self-aware can mitigate the impact on their other children but your Mother doesn't have this awareness. She still loves you though. Don't take your cues in life from her. In fact, you just can't or you will feel you will never measure up. There is a great big world out there looking to embrace you and it has. Concentrate on regaining your health and moving on. Feel good about yourself and focus on doing those things that make you feel GREAT! Your Mother will always be your mother and your Sister your sister. However, you must endeavor to be your own best friend. Once you achieve this, you will bless your Mother and Sister most heartily! I wish you good health and all the blessings this world offers. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. Parents do the best they can but when they have a child who 'gets' them, who they favour because the child is a soul mate, then their other children simply can't fill those shoes. I believe this happens to some degree in most families. Parents who are self-aware can mitigate the impact on their other children but your Mother doesn't have this awareness. This is so true. In my family I am you and your sister is my brother. My parents constantly go on about me and have always favoured me. My brother has achieved all the goals a parent could want in a child. He is very jealous and it hurts me a great deal. I wished my parents would just cut it out and I would always tell them this. It hurt me that my brother was jealous and I bet it hurts your sister also. This has really hurt my relationship with my brother in a lot of ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Micki Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Great Posts everyone! I agree. It's strange how I've been reading such negative things about how people feel about only kids. I can't believe people actually believe stupid myths such as only kids don't know how to share or are selfish. So siblings who are jealous or competitive of each other is a great thing??? They say that parents of only kids are selfish or depriving the child. Well, what about parents who favor another child or even pit another child against another? That's suppose to be a great thing??? They say that an only child is spoiled because of too much attention from their parents. So, apparently being a sibling among one of many and being neglected because of too many kids in the house is better......huh??? Isn't that the reason some kids have problems in life because they feel ignored, neglected, or even unloved by their parents. There were thoughts about downsizing classrooms so each student would get individual attention, and not feel neglected. Sorry for the vent and going completely off topic, but I just can't get over the double standards or hyprocrisy of some people who are very negative about only kids when I read about (for example, this topic) and witness in my own experiences (among friends, family members, celebrities, co-workers, acquaintances, and the world) not-so-good things going on with having siblings. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I don't know if that feeling ever goes away. My STBXH had to deal with that crap from his father until his father died. STBXH was 41 at the time. He still feels down sometimes that he doesn't have all the accomplishments under his belt that his older brother does - but at least the feeling has decreased since his father passed on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubumon Posted June 2, 2008 Author Share Posted June 2, 2008 I know that I'm still trying to please my mother by trying to live up to her standards, but I also know I'm never going to match up to my sister's accomplishments. I'm going to try to focus more on stuff I want to do rather than what she wants me to do....even though I still have a problem with trying to satisfy my parents' expectations. (Currently looking for a new job right now...one that I really want to do, but my mom doesn't believe there's any future in the jobs I choose. She wants me to stay in my career path right now, which I don't like at all...) Thanks for your posts everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
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