t_rades Posted July 19, 2003 Share Posted July 19, 2003 I have this friend who is probably THE most amazing person I've ever known. She and I share many interests and we can talk to each other about anything (religion to politics to physics to people etc.). We have very similar mannerisms and can have conversations that no one else can decipher. Often, she will be thinking the same obscure thought as I and will be able to finish my sentences. Its a friendship that I wouldn't trade for anything. In the past couple of months, I've noticed part of me seeing her as able to date. The big problem in this is that she has told me on a few occasions in passing that she sees me like a brother, someone that you generally don't look at for a date. She trusts me to the point of feeling comfortable falling asleep in my arms (it was quite beautiful and made me feel very loved). I love her and would do anything for her and I by no means want to lose what we have together. I need some feedback on whether or not to ask her out. I'm leaving out some stuff, I know, but if you need to know something more to make a sound decision, just ask and I'd be willing to disclose the info. Thank You Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 19, 2003 Share Posted July 19, 2003 It's not fair or honest to either of you for you to stand by and do nothing. She needs to know how you feel and if she's truly a friend she will deal with it. The safest way to go about this is to tell her you think she is a really wonderful lady and you very much enjoy being with her and doing things with her. Tell her if she ever feels she would like to upgrade the friendship to something more, you would be open to that. Then be silent and let her respond. Her response will determine your future moves. If she's not interested in more than just friendship and you are falling in love with her, then for your own mental health you'll have to spend less time with her and more time seeking romance. Trust me on this, it's really nice to have this type of female friend but the minute she finds a guy she really likes romantically, YOU WILL BE HISTORY or at least play a highly diminished role in her life. Act before that happens. If you aren't able to upgrade the friendship, start pulling back and looking for romantic interests. Don't be friends with them for so long that you can't be more. Once a lady puts you in the friendship category, it's hard to get out...not that being friends is bad. However, if you want more it can be hell being around a lady and hearing her tell you about other dates and men she likes...and it's particulary troublesome when she announces she is getting engaged....and here you spend all these years hoping she would change her mind about you. You probably won't pay attention to what I'm telling you. That's OK. You'll learn the hard way, then, just like I did. I truly hope you can take this one to a higher level and spare yourself great heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
Author t_rades Posted July 20, 2003 Author Share Posted July 20, 2003 I would love to tell her how i feel, but i would regret it if she thought our entire friendship was based on me wanting to go out with her (which it isn't). She has a boyfriend right now, whom we do talk about sometimes but i doubt its serious. She said to me the last time i was over at her house for the night that it was comforting that she didn't have to worry about me taking our lying together on the couch too seriously, like thinking she was making a move. In one sense, it made me feel priviledged that she feels at ease around me, while in another, it sounded like she was being very succinct about future of our relationship. In retrospect of what she has said too me, the mere thought of us going out probably sounds laughable to most but I have never had such strong feelings for anyone else. I fear i am deep within the friend category and these are just the sounds of my last few breaths of air escaping my helpless and lifeless body. I thank you for the advice but im afriad it wasnt quite enough. Do i risk our current friendship for the chance at something bigger? If so, when do i bring it up? Should i be direct or indirect? Suppose she says no, how do you think it will change our friendship? Will there still be a friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 20, 2003 Share Posted July 20, 2003 You are absolutely nuts to hang around a lady as a friend when you have fallen so deeply for her. That's about the most dishonest thing a human being can do. If you don't want to express your feelings and see where it may go, then you better terminate the friendship...because it is a total lie. You DO NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER....YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. So go honest as of today. Be kind to yourself. Either talk to her and set the record straight and see where it will lead or get away from her and find romance somewhere. You are the worst friend she could possibly have at this point...and she is the WORST friend for you because as long as you are around her you will be in emotional chaos and instability...and that's NOT being nice to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
skotup Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 What you and this girl have is the common emmotional affair. She is cheating on her boyfriend with you emmotionally. Lemme gues - you can talk for hours on end and you think thats something special? She bitches about her boyfriend to you? you tell each other every lil secret and detail? You feel like you cant talk to her propperly when some1 else is around? You touch each other differently when alone compared to when other people are arround? A huge topic of conversation is sex? And there's no way her boyfriend could be ok with u and her being friends, he might not be able to come up with the words "emotional affair" but he knows that he doesnt like what u 2 have. And then she turns around tries to tell him that there's nuthing wrong with it? Well there's an awefull lot wrong with it, emotional cheating can be worse than phisical cheating, it provokes the same painful emotions and feelings as phicical cheating does. Its why internet affairs can break up relationships too. Relationship counciling wise she should not be talking to you about her problems with her boyfriend cos u have no vested intrest in thier relationship. So reccomendations : be her friend and no more, do not share intimate details, do not talk about problems in her relationship, do not love her and feel the need to see her every couple of days. The kind of person you are arround her and her boyfriend - thats the person you need to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted July 26, 2003 Moderators Share Posted July 26, 2003 Listen... If I have learned one thing in this world, it is that there are very few male-female "friendships" of this sort that are either good for both parties, or work devoid of love. My theory (Bash it as You Please, Folks): I feel that women share many of their feelings, opinions, viewpoints with one another on an ongoing basis. Women appear to get each others' opinions on love, romance, sex, etc., almost as a matter of day-to-day conversation. Their discussions of same involve (usually) no sexual, physical, or broadscale emotional bonding with the other female discussion participant(s). This "emotions talk" does not occur to the same extent at all with men. Males have (to some degree correctly) been cornered as not being as "in touch" with their feelings. For men, having a discussion about their feelings occurs to a much lesser degree. It becomes extremely easy (and quite handy) for a lady to have a close male friend with whom they can discuss such topics, and get "the male" perspective, if that discussion is devoid of "relationship considerations." Problem is: For men, it is generally not a matter of "general discourse." As a result, when a female shares all this type of information with a male that they have stamped "friend", he becomes part of her "emotions discussion group." At the same time, he includes her cognitively as possible "relationship material." ( NOTE: The above is MERELY A THEORY !!!! LOL ) FACT IS: You are falling in LOVE with her. You are her FRIEND, with whom she discusses alllll the things that she probably should be discussing with a man SHE LOVES. My Recommendations: You sit her down, and tell her how you feel. If she can only envision seeing you as a friend, and you are not comfortable with just being a friend (that doesn't discuss any personal issues with her) then you must end your friendship with her. Your heart will not be able to take the emotional upheaval forever. Either way, it'll be decision time for both of you. I know this will probably get flamed. As of late, I don't know if there is anything one can say here that won't get flamed in one way or another. Ah, well...life goes on... Peace, Curt Link to post Share on other sites
TS Garp Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 There isn't any bad advice in this thread. But I'd caution you. Despite what many appear to believe, there are no absolutes in these situations. The "friend zone" is hardly unescapable, despite what some seem to think. I've been there, and I've escaped it. You, and you alone, are the best judge of the signals you're getting. Follow your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 judging from your posts, she is receptive but unwilling to jeopardize what she has unless you are a certainty. here is advice from someone who has been on the girl's side in this situation a couple of times: make a move, and do it quickly. just come up on her and kiss her, don't linger, don't creep, just do it. being moved into the friendship category is not always an instant decision but it is the default one. if she wants you secretly, this will work. if she does not, your friendship is over, and you will have to move on. think of it as another trial of manhood; plan your day for it. if she is receptive, tell her you are willing to be with her IF she stops dating the other guy. you have the power here - and waiting and growing more and more bitter will not endear any girl to you. we are scared of rejection, too, and have been trained to let men come to us. in some victorian conduct book we read in grammar school they make a huge point of saying there is no greater shame to a woman than to show her heart and have it rejected. this is bullsh*t, of course, but that coding runs deep. let us know what happens! xoxo j Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 Kiss her. Its the only way. You have to break that friendship barrier. Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 o sorry, i expect it's my awkward latin, i'm only on book two - but it's along the lines of 'reach for a fast paced hot career in latin translation' ..one of the first things the lessons do is to ironically suggest that latin is not totally useless.. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 my tutor, disgusted, is making me post this: if you can read this commercial latin, you are proper[ly educated] and should seek employment in this satisfying [though] difficult language field giggles, xoxox all, j Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 ok, there is nothing more in this world that I would rather do. I have the uncontrolable urge to learn and speak latin. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 lol; pleasing. i would SO get into more car accidents if people put their bumper stickers in latin. my parents gave me a wet-t-shirt-content-type shirt for my birthday that has the latin equivalent of 'its all good babies' on it..sigh..if only i could meet more horny latin speaking men. they could seduce me with lines about how mt. vesuvius might be angered any day now and spew forth hot venom... Link to post Share on other sites
Chris Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 I believe I am sexually aroused. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 wow - this is the first time i've ever had a guy admit arousal for an antiquities fetish; giggles; maybe i should start a site. the camera could follow me around reciting latin at my cat and girlfriends and accusing people of being too much like ion. i would donate the proceeds, of course, else it would not be classically ethical. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted July 28, 2003 Moderators Share Posted July 28, 2003 Hmmm...RAW Curiosity here... What's your cat's name again? Curt Link to post Share on other sites
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