Is it true that male dumpers normally come back?

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

I know how pathetic this sounds, but i've been clinging to this false "hope" that he'll come back, and I know I have to get rid of all hope for my own sanity.

 

I keep believing that he's going to realise his mistake and come running back, but he's done nothing to suggest this, it's all in my head. I'm clinging to:

* statistically male dumpers tend to come back

* my horoscope says an ex will walk back into my life (I know, I know!)

* he was confused about his feelings at the time of break-up

* many other imagined 'signs' from the universe

 

But, logically, the last contact was made by me three days after the break up and he's not contacted me since. It's been 2 months, we were together 3 years so obviously if he cared, I would have heard from him by now in some capasity. If he was confused, he's had enough time to realise by now if he made a mistake. All the signs for 'hope' are in my heart, all the signals he is sending me (or more appropriately not sending me) is that it's over and there is no future.

 

My question is, how do I ignore my heart and think about this logically? My brain knows it's over, it's obvious, but my heart won't let go. And, there is a new woman involved. While he is thinking of her, I know he's not thinking of me, although i'm sure that relationship is going nowhere and will burn out as quick as it began. I'm normally a realist, why won't the hope die?

 

I sound like a teenager, but i'm a grown woman. I've had relationships end before. I've had my heart broken before. I don't desire to be second best. I know I deserve better than to be dumped like I was. I know he doesn't deserve nor want my love. I know I was too 'nice'. I know the relationship needed work. I know that once they stop loving you, those feelings rarely return. I know all of this, and yet the sodding "hope" that it's not real won't go away.

 

I keep convincing myself he is suffering from committment phobia, fear of intimacy, was scared etc... but the fact of the matter is, he's not here, and he chose a future without me in it. My friends and family have been fantastic, i've got lots of people who care about me in my life, but the only thing that seems to matter to me right now is him. How the hell did I end up this way?

 

I have to move on. Please help me stop torturing myself. How do I make these feelings stop?

[sultry33]

hi i know how you feel.. hope is a big thing and like you my heart is still for him, however for my ex there is noone else.. at least i dont thinkso

seriously if he is with someone let it be.. probably is a rebound thing but

you deserve better

 

my break up was few months ago .. i still cant believe it, before when we broke up we both agreed pain was so bad that we never wanted be apart again.. but yr later here we are.. my heart is still breaking even now.. so i know how you feel

hugs to u x

[allieapplesauce]

i feel the same way. mine was divorced and i think it wasnt long enough for him. we work together so we see each other every day! that's unbearable! I thought the way he opened his feelings to me about how much he liked me that it was a sure thing---not like marriage but ltr--at least thru the summer! we were dating friends without any intimacy for like 4 months then it lasted good 2 months and then it went downhill the last 3 months until we kinda called it quits. i wrote a msg on myspace telling him i know we need this break and i sitll care for him if he still feels that way to let me know when he gets thru this....

 

my brain says one thing, the heart another! i know what you mean!! the pain is unbearable, i just want to feel normal again! one min im ok the next i wanna crawl into a black hole and disappear. i dont like being around myself! i keep clinging to that hope! and i dont know how i got this way, it wasnt like 3 years or anything like you guys! how do you move on? how long does this take?

[roghornio]

No it’s not true… If he’s not contacted you since, then well I’d stop waiting and get on with your life.

If he does one day magically reappear then you will have either a) moved on and be happy, or b) in a good position to decide if you want to try again,

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Thank you Sultry33,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. I cannot believe how strong my feelings have become, more so with each passing day!

 

I have to see him next week so I need to stop being pathetic. Neither of us can get out of this thing, and he is probably dreading it much like I am. I hate that something so good has decended into this.

 

I hope he can't see the pathetic person I have become.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Roghornio: Thanks for the honesty. I do know it's hopeless. I suppose i'm struggling with the fact that I felt soooo much, whilst he obiously felt so little. How do they just up and leave overnight and not look back. It doesn't seem right that that's just 'it'. They're done.

 

Allieapplesause: I know it's hard. The intensity of my emotions right now like is nothing i've ever experienced. I'm utterly dumbfounded by it all. I hope it gets easier for you. Can't imagine how hard it is to see them all the time.

 

Seeing him next week is playing on my mind, and I know that I can't let him know i'm suffering like this. I love him enough that I don't want to hang a huge guilt trip round his neck. I want him to think i'm somewhat ok. Just don't know how to stop the cycle of hope. It's not like anything is encouraging it other than my heart and probably my ego.

[sunshinegirl]

Phoenix, I felt much like you after my 2005 breakup. Emotionally hopeful even though logically I knew it was over. It was excruciating and I kept thinking he would realize his mistake, get over his commitment-phobia, and come back.

 

He didn't. And he's now married to someone else. But here's the irony: he married a woman who is my polar opposite and in a strange sense it gave me a peace about the whole thing. If that's the kind of woman he wanted, then duh! we were never going to work.

 

That being said, it took months, more than months, probably closer to a year for me to really get over him (and we only dated for 6 months!).

 

I don't have much good advice for how to kill the hope. Time seems to do it eventually. Though you might also start cataloguing the things you didn't like about him or your relationship. Getting in touch with my anger has always been helpful in getting over the "hope" hump.

 

If there's one thing I can be glad about with my current breakup, it's that I am so angry and disillusioned with the current ex that whatever embers of hope still exist are fairly easy to distinguish. All I have to do is think about the fact that he cheated on me.

[Lonelystar]

Wow I know how you guys feel. I still cling on to hope that my "ex" will come back. We haven't offically ended things, but he gave me that whole lecture on how he needed time to figure things out and then he would come back to me. This is the second time he has pulled something like this, the first time he just broke it off with me. When we got back together last time he sent me a card saying he was sorry and that he knows i'm his soul-mate. Yet he does this again. I'm so tired of trying to cling on to hope. I wish I was strong enough to let go.

 

Phoneixfromtheflames... I wish I knew how they just up and leave without looking back. I guess it is easier for some people to just go. I wish I could develope that skill, but I'm glad I'm emotional and have passion. It will take lots of time before you are completley healed. It is just a waiting game from here. Some days won't be that bad, and others will kick your butt. But one day you'll wake up and won't ever think about him again. Remember you deserve to have the best!

[plsletmeknow]

It is said that "hope deferred makes the heart sick". This is as real as it gets Phoenix. My advice:stop feeding the hope. Stop stop stop! Put all your hopes and expectation of his return aside and focus/hope for better things without him in the picture. If he does come back, fine, and if he doesn't thats fine too. Either way you will be better prepared to handle it if you only focus on YOU for now. You will simply be killing yourself to death slowly by having unrealistic expectations...

 

Let go of the hope and focus on yourself for now!

 

I hope this helps.

[0hpenelope]

Gah, gender bias. I just went through this in a different thread not long ago.

 

The dumper who still cares and realizes the mistake made is the one who normally comes back. Not a male dumper or a female dumper. Gender doesn't matter...

 

Agree with posters about the 'hope' thing, but I guess it bothers me to see 'hope' shown in such a negative light. I don't think hope is necessarily bad; it's what we do with hope that makes it bad. Our actions, not the feeling. When we start acting in 'hopes' that he will see us as attractive again, or that she will realize what a hunk you are, etc. Anything that feeds the hope is the problem, I think.

 

I'll concede some will argue that yeah, in the end the root of that problem of not getting over someone and something is hope itself. Well... we can't take it out from some people. Some people are "delusional" (as some would probably refer to them) or they're right somewhere down the road (but of course, most of us won't fit those statistics and yes, Barry Manilow is awesome. That hair!). But we can definitely control what we do, how we act, and what we decide with our hopes.

 

Just my $0.02.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Thanks to everyone who replied. Sometimes seeing it in balck and white helps the reality to sink in.

 

0hpenelope: You are right, it's not gender specific in this case, but circumstantial issues lead me to believe he may just change his mind. It's just one of those things you read, then latch onto when you need to justify why you're feeling something you're not sure you should, in my case hope. He doesn't talk to his friends about relationships, and I know the way it ended was very out of character for him. But, i'm realising it's all irrelevant. He's not here, he's not called, he's probably moved on.

 

plsletmeknow: I am trying to let the hope go. There is nothing feeding it apart from MY ego and MY love for him. As I'm clearly alone in these thoughts and they're essentially all about me I should be able to control them. I've written a list of reasons why he's not coming back, and what I want out of life, and everytime I feel hope rising, I'm going to remind myself of them.

 

Lonelystar: I hate when they pull that stuff too. You're right, there is nothing wrong with emotion and passion, it makes us who we are. Can get me into trouble sometimes though. I hope it works out the way you want it to. At least he is communicating a need for space, it's marginally better than the ones who just disappear in the night. Still hurts though.

 

sunshinegirl: I'm sorry you're having a hard time too. Unfortunately, the girl he's with is very like me, except she lives further away and so is more desirable right now. He brought up committment, then freaked when the time came. I'll never understand it all, but, like you said, when they do things that make you lose your respect for them, you have to question the hope that's in your heart.

[sedgwick]

I do know it's hopeless. I suppose i'm struggling with the fact that I felt soooo much, whilst he obiously felt so little. How do they just up and leave overnight and not look back. It doesn't seem right that that's just 'it'. They're done.

If it helps at all, mine did the exact same thing. That was 11 months ago and he's long gone. The night before he held me and told me he loved me. Then the next morning, over breakfast, totally unexpectedly, he dumped me and I never saw him again. As I've said before, the only reason I was ever given is that I'm not a musician like he is (I'm a writer and dancer and I guess that just wasn't good enough for him.)

[t_veron]

Sorry you're going through heartache. I'm sure you've heard it enough but it will pass eventually. All the messages seem to concentrate on the "breakup" but you have to address the reason you broke up. Even if he comes back and you go get back together the reason you broke up may still be there and break you two up again.

 

You should use this time to make some changes in your life and leave the past in the past. If you two connect some time in the future then at least you can start over otherwise you'll be picking up where you left off. Make some positive changes and this breakup will have a positive meaning and impact behind it.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

As I've said before, the only reason I was ever given is that I'm not a musician like he is (I'm a writer and dancer and I guess that just wasn't good enough for him.)

 

Sedgwick, that's a ridiculous reason for him to give you. How cowardly to leave you with that as a reason. I'm so sorry you went through that, but you know it was probably fear on his part, scared of the relationship, fear it was good enough to last forever. That seems to send them crazy. Sounds like you're doing well now though and I hope you find someone who deserves you.

 

Your story does help me in my situation though. Mine dumped me by phone after three years together and hasn't contacted me since. I really though we were good together, we rarely argued, we liked the same things, we thought the same way etc... He said he was confused about his feelings, blah, blah, blah. Hasn't cared enough to even ask if I'm ok. I'm jealous of the other stories I keep reading where the exes keep up contact and have to be told to stop. Mine is obviously a really big coward, or he's not even given me a second thought.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

t-veron, i'm not really sure why we broke up. He said he was confused about his feelings for me. I had no idea he was confused. He maintained that everything was fine, and up until the day before he dumped me, he told me he was committed to making a life with me and was happy. I have no idea what's been going on in his head. He did confess to having feelings for his friends girlfriend who he knew for a whole week. I like to tell myself that's his feelings for her can't be real, that's he just scared, but who knows. I'll probably never hear the truth from him. I like to think he will take the initiative next week and speak to me about what really happened, but who knows.

[sedgwick]

Sedgwick, that's a ridiculous reason for him to give you. How cowardly to leave you with that as a reason.Mine is obviously a really big coward, or he's not even given me a second thought.

 

Yeah, I think we found ourselves a coupla cowardly bastards!! Peace and love to you, sista. Bunnies too!:bunny:

[ozira]

Hey Phoenix, seems like we are two peas in a pod. What scares me, is that there are so many of us out there. Male and female. What is the lesson here? Is it possible to trust and establish a relationship after all this seemingly unnessary hurt people inflict on each other? What is the lesson?

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Ozira, I'm not sure what the lesson is. Seems like a cruel lesson.

 

For me, If he came back, I would be prepared to put my heart on the line again for him because I really think he's special. To many, that makes me a fool as he's not shown me any respect or love lately. But he was respectful and loving for the whole of the relationship. If he said he made a mistake, I would try to take it at face value and put the bad stuff behind us. We all make mistakes right? I would hate for someone to completely cut me out of their life if I made one mistake. Not that this is the case here, just my hope talking again.

 

Do we judge them on their actions during the relationship, or just what they do at the very end? If the relationship was good, you were good to each other, but in the end, for them, something was missing, we have to stop punishing ourselves. At some point they did care for us, but for whatever reason those feelings they had went away. Deep down I know it's rarely to do with us.

 

I'm trying to find the strength to let go of him. I know it takes more to let go, than to hang on in hope. I have truly realized that I don't need him, I just want him. I can be happy for him, whoever he's with. He deserves happiness, as do I.

[mistie03]

My ex dumped me without looking back. It wasn't a surprise though, he was acting distant and disappearing.

 

I've seen him a few times since it happened because he still has some stuff stored here. He hangs around and makes small talk. He has a flat effect and mostly talks about himself.

 

He never really said goodbye, he just stopped calling me after I told him that I was upset about him disappearing at Christmas. He took offense and acted as if I was out of line to call him out on anything.

 

The relationship was so dead at the end (on his part anyway). He was giving me crumbs. All it did was make me hungry for more. I got tired of it. I loved him, but he didn't love me back.

 

The strangest thing about it though, is that the last time we had sex, it was awesome (like it was in the beginning). That was unusual for him. It's almost like he knew that it would be the last time.

 

Who knows what was going on with him? I give up trying to figure it out.