In Over My Head

[MrIndependent]

Same old, same old... I'm 49, been married for over 20 years. Marriage has been pretty passionless, we are good friends but no spark. There are rarely any arguments since we are both conflict avoiders. If I'm honest, it all started to fall apart after the children now 16, 19, came along. Basically I let myself be backed into a corner where I felt over worked, under appreciated and taken for granted. Spent a lot of my life feeling lonely despite having good friends. I have only myself to blame but was too dumb to see it at the time. After many years of resisting constant temptation, I have fallen for another woman. She is single (39) but is scared stiff I will leave my wife for her at this point. We have been seeing each other for 6 months now so the "honeymoon" phase is over. When we are together I feel happy and complete. We have a lot in common and in many respects we are like soul mates. She has now moved away but we still speak on the phone and keep in touch.

 

All this has forced me to reevalute my life and marriage. How can I stay in a marriage with someone I don't love and continue to deceive her? The flip side is I know it would devastate my wife and kids if I left and I don't think I could put her through that. Don't know what I expect anyone to say apart from "pull yourself together". Feeling completely trapped and so low at the moment and have considered suicide. Tried Prozak but that made things worse.

[whichwayisup]

Go to counselling alone to figure this out. If you leave your wife for the OW, the same problems will occur. Need to learn to speak up and be willing to change, compromise and bend, that goes for your wife too.

 

End this with the OW because it IS wrong, what you are doing to your wife and kids.

 

Going on anti D's isn't going to solve the problem, talking about it will though. Once you figure out what you want to do, then talk to your wife and hopefully together you two can get to marriage counselling and learn how to love eachother again, like you both did before the kids came along. Obviously you loved her enough to marry her and have children.

 

This is YOUR life so work hard to make it a happy one.

 

Tell your OW that it's over and that you need to fix your marriage.

[Mustang Sally]

She is single (39) but is scared stiff I will leave my wife for her at this point.

Could you elaborate on what you mean by this please?

 

We have been seeing each other for 6 months now so the "honeymoon" phase is over.

Hmmm. Call me a skeptic, but I'd say it probably takes more time and exposure than six months in an illicit relationship (where you do not have repetitive day-to-day interactions) to be pronounced officially "Through the Honeymoon Phase."

 

Feeling completely trapped and so low at the moment and have considered suicide.

Talk to your therapist about this. If the Prozac didn't work, then let your healthcare provider know so that changes can be made.

 

I know it may feel insurmountable right now, but this thing can be weathered, as can any other storm of life.

 

I'd think your best bet is to cut it off with the OW and sort out your own head and pre-existing relationship (marriage) before you try to enter into any other sort of LTR. I believe that no good relationship can come of such difficult beginnings if you haven't gotten your own thoughts/feelings in order.

[smartgirl]

I suggest marriage counselling. It may bring you to the conclusion that you should leave the marriage, but going through the process with your wife will be better than you dropping it on the kitchen table one night out of the blue.

 

She may not be all that happy either, whether she realizes it or not. But a good therapist can lead you both through discussions about where you are as individuals, where the marriage is and whether it can be improved or not.

 

I will tell you, though it will be hard for you to believe at this point, but your view of things may be temporarily distorted. I can tell you this from personal experience, tons of reading and reading of threads on this site on any given day. Plenty of people rewrite the history of their lives when involved in an affair. They realize later that the OW wasn't as great as they thought and the W wasn't as bad.

 

You say you don't want to divorce because it would devastate your W. It may be you don't really want to either. However, you don't want to remain unhappy and you may not need to.

 

People have mixed opinions on whether to tell about the A or not. In your case, you may not need to do that, but you DO need to tell your wife you don't feel happy and that you want her to go to counselling with you to see what can be done.

 

Just try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. But if you continue to connect with OW, it will be almost impossible to progress.

[OldEurope]

I am a black sheep here. I say:

 

 

1. Life should never be about being overworked and underappreciated and lovelorn to the point where you are considering suicide. So it is time to take action, and to get your life back on the sunny side. It can happen and it will.

 

2. Your wife also has a responsibility to be there for you, to listen to you, and to care for you. So tell her exactly how you feel, how unhappy you are and that you want to see changes--profound.

 

3. If she agrees, I would give this an exclusive three months of work--a real concerted effort on both your parts. This means an effort at romantic interest, in communication, in time alone, rediscovered interests. The kids are mature and nearing maturity at 19 and 16 and will be able to handle anything as long as you keep an eye out for their interests.

 

4. If at the end of three months you see no fundamental change, or if, a month later, you see "backsliding" then you should separate.

 

5. I am a believer in separation as a wake-up call. For marriages that are really, completely over where there is just no interest on either side, they usually lead to divorce. But in those situations where love is still there, where hope still lingers, they CAN be the last and final warning to get things fixed.

 

6. Your wife, if she has not been appreciating you is equally to blame for your state of mind. So do not feel so guilty or apologetic that your mind and heart should wander to other sources of affection.

 

7. If your marriage is worth saving, then either the concentrated, exclusive, three month effort should produce some effect OR a last-attempt separation should be the final kick in the a$$ to get the marriage into some shape.

 

8. The OW should be told of your plan so that you do not cruelly disappear all of a sudden one day. Tell her plainly and truthfully what you are doing for the next few months. Allow her the freedom to meet other people, and since she is a bit gun-shy about a relationship with you right now, the timing might be just right.

 

If at the end of all of this the marriage just does not come together and the OW really truly stays on your mind as the One, then I believe you will have your clear answer. But taking steps to turn over a few last stones will not only give you peace of mind that you tried your best, your wife will also know what your concerns were and that you meant for it to be taken seriously.

 

(PS I am not big on marriage "counseling" but that is my humble opinion, as they say)

 

You CAN have a win win situation, even if it means some heartbreak here or there. You can get your life back, get the air cleared, get efforts underway, and if need be, free yourself for a true lady love.

 

xoxxx

OE

[Owl]

I am a black sheep here. I say:

 

 

1. Life should never be about being overworked and underappreciated and lovelorn to the point where you are considering suicide. So it is time to take action, and to get your life back on the sunny side. It can happen and it will.

 

2. Your wife also has a responsibility to be there for you, to listen to you, and to care for you. So tell her exactly how you feel, how unhappy you are and that you want to see changes--profound.

 

3. If she agrees, I would give this an exclusive three months of work--a real concerted effort on both your parts. This means an effort at romantic interest, in communication, in time alone, rediscovered interests. The kids are mature and nearing maturity at 19 and 16 and will be able to handle anything as long as you keep an eye out for their interests.

 

4. If at the end of three months you see no fundamental change, or if, a month later, you see "backsliding" then you should separate.

 

5. I am a believer in separation as a wake-up call. For marriages that are really, completely over where there is just no interest on either side, they usually lead to divorce. But in those situations where love is still there, where hope still lingers, they CAN be the last and final warning to get things fixed.

 

6. Your wife, if she has not been appreciating you is equally to blame for your state of mind. So do not feel so guilty or apologetic that your mind and heart should wander to other sources of affection.

 

7. If your marriage is worth saving, then either the concentrated, exclusive, three month effort should produce some effect OR a last-attempt separation should be the final kick in the a$$ to get the marriage into some shape.

 

8. The OW should be told of your plan so that you do not cruelly disappear all of a sudden one day. Tell her plainly and truthfully what you are doing for the next few months. Allow her the freedom to meet other people, and since she is a bit gun-shy about a relationship with you right now, the timing might be just right.

 

If at the end of all of this the marriage just does not come together and the OW really truly stays on your mind as the One, then I believe you will have your clear answer. But taking steps to turn over a few last stones will not only give you peace of mind that you tried your best, your wife will also know what your concerns were and that you meant for it to be taken seriously.

 

(PS I am not big on marriage "counseling" but that is my humble opinion, as they say)

 

You CAN have a win win situation, even if it means some heartbreak here or there. You can get your life back, get the air cleared, get efforts underway, and if need be, free yourself for a true lady love.

 

xoxxx

OE

 

1. Agreed!

 

2. Absolutely. Its possible that she's either not heard where she needs to make those changes, or didn't understand the urgency of making them.

 

3. This won't work anytime soon. While he's still involved with OW, or even shortly after the affair has ended, it won't do any good. He'll still be in withdrawl (pining for her), and his heart and mind won't truly be focused on this. Either this needs to have a longer duration, or the start date on it needs to be postponed by two months to give him time to "get over" the affair before effort can be put into this.

 

4. I would agree, with the caveats suggested in 3.

 

5. Seperation as a wake up call is a bad idea. Seperation as a prelude to divorce is a good idea. When seperated, there's less effort put into meeting each other's emotional needs. With the physical gap comes less opportunity to meet those needs, and most often leads to divorce rather than reconciliation. If he wants to give the marriage a chance, then working on the marriage while still in the same home is his best bet. Seperation really is just a greater opportunity for them to grow apart...and provides a setting that is conducive to the resumption of the affair rather than the reconciliation of the marriage.

 

6. She is absolutely equally to blame for the state of the marriage if she's been made aware of the shortcomings and has done nothing to correct them on her side. She is in no way responsible or to blame for his choice to have an affair. Seperate items. She was in the same poor marriage he was, but didn't take that path.

 

7. See the caveats in 3 and 6. Three months MIGHT work...depending on the foundation years of GOOD marriage that they had prior to the affair. If there were many good years, 3 months might be sufficient. If there was far more good than bad, 3 months won't be enough time to rebuild the relationship properly.

 

8. I agree completely...tell the OW what you're doing, make it clear what's going on, and "free" her to do her own thing. And...you need to go completely NC with OW from that point on...any contact between you and OW will 'reset the clock' on your recovery process.

[81West]

No, the OW should be cut out of his life for the rest of his life. In an instant. No explanation necessary, as he owes her nothing but silence.

 

This is a completely callous and usupportable position. My god there's some ridiculous people on here.

 

He doesn't owe anything drawn out, but he does owe her a brief, clear communication and equal information about what's going on in her own damn life.

[Lookingforward]

This is a completely callous and usupportable position. My god there's some ridiculous people on here.

 

He doesn't owe anything drawn out, but he does owe her a brief, clear communication and equal information about what's going on in her own damn life.

 

81W, don't you know by now that according to some here the OW is less than human ? (has no feelings to care about)

 

If, god forbid I should ever find myself as a BS reconciling with a WS, I would surely think less of him as a man if he could be so callous to someone he had professed to love enough to risk our M

[Mustang Sally]

Ok.

Just as a clarification, when I said to "cut it off with the other woman" I did not mean to endorse shabby treatment of her (or anyone else, for that matter). My point was just that I do believe such a thing as "affair fog" to exist. And I do also believe that one cannot make clear decisions about other relationships in one's life when one is in the midst of an "affair fog."

 

I don't think the above is pointed at me, but I just wanted to set this straight, anyway.

[Lookingforward]

Ok.

Just as a clarification, when I said to "cut it off with the other woman" I did not mean to endorse shabby treatment of her (or anyone else, for that matter). My point was just that I do believe such a thing as "affair fog" to exist. And I do also believe that one cannot make clear decisions about other relationships in one's life when one is in the midst of an "affair fog."

 

I don't think the above is pointed at me, but I just wanted to set this straight, anyway.

 

 

it wasn't, sally

[LadyDi]

This is a completely callous and usupportable position. My god there's some ridiculous people on here.

 

He doesn't owe anything drawn out, but he does owe her a brief, clear communication and equal information about what's going on in her own damn life.

 

 

I agree. Geez! Can we at least be kind to the other people that his dicisions will effect? I'm with Old Europe.

[marlena]

Excellent post OE! Whatever I may add would be redundant.

 

To the OP, read OE's post many times over. Pure pearls of wisdom.

[MrIndependent]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and caring replies. I never exepected such a response. I feel better already

 

Could you elaborate on what you mean by this please?

 

I have discussed ending my marriage to be with her but she is adamant that I shouldn't do this at this stage. She says she does not want the responsibility of thinking she broke up a family. I have explained that I was unhappy anyway before I met her but deep down I know she is right. It would be wrong to leave for someone else right now. Problem is, I love her so much.

 

whichwayisup / smartgirl:

 

I've started counselling and this is helping much more that the Prozac. I have good days and bad days but at the moment cannot contemplate cutting things off with the OW. I know I have probably invested too much in her but we are trying to keep things 'light' at the moment. I think she knows what I am going through and has always been very supportive and practical.

 

OldEurope:

 

Thanks very much for this, It really hit home. The problem I have is that things have been going on for so long now and I have just had an almighty wake up call. I now suddenly realise I'm nearing 50 and the best years of my life have slipped away. I've concentrated on work and providing for the family but looking back I've been quite an unhappy person. I would be wrong to pin all this on my wife who is a good and sweet person at heart. The problem is I just don't love her anymore and it has been devastating to me to realise this.

 

Owl:

 

I don't know how I will be able to go completely NC with OW. I don't think I'm strong enough for that right now. You don't seem to think that a trial separation would work. Is this from personal experience?

 

2long:

 

Thanks for your thoughtful contributions.

 

I know something has to give but this is what is causing so much stress I don't see a way out.

[Owl]

Owl:

 

I don't know how I will be able to go completely NC with OW. I don't think I'm strong enough for that right now. You don't seem to think that a trial separation would work. Is this from personal experience?

 

Yep. Look at what you wrote here. You don't think you're strong enough to go NC with OW right now.

 

So, if you seperated from your wife, and were now able to spend even more time with OW with less chance of getting caught by your wife, what do you REALLY think you'd be doing during that seperation? In a large number of cases, all the trial seperation does is set the stage for the affair to develop further, and for the marriage to deteriorate further. You can't work on something by avoiding it.

 

This is from personal experience. My wife was looking to do a "trial seperation" with me shortly after her affair. During the course of helping her set that up, I learned that she was planning on exploring her relationship further with OM. At that point, I indicated to her that I was not willing to do a seperation...we either decided to work on the marriage jointly, or I filed for divorce.

 

We're four years happily recovered at this point.

 

I've also seen similar situations played out countless times by posters on this forum and others. And the results are virtually identical. Once the WS (wayward spouse) moves out, the affair escalates...seperation doesn't lead to marital reconciliation...it leads to marital seperation and further opportunity to cheat.

 

You've admitted that you're "weak" where it comes to OW...so how much chance would your wife really have if you moved out? Not rocket science here...

[smartgirl]

Mr. I,

 

I just want to tell you a little bit about my story by way of showing you how a person involved in an A can experience a type of changing reality.

 

My H and I had been married for over 25 years when he had an A with a co-worker. He was turning 49 when it started. It went on for almost a year and was in the process of breaking apart when I found out. He debated for the last few months of the A whether to leave me for her or not. He said he "just didn't want to give that up."

 

What "that" represented is a number of things including having an attractive, younger woman on his arm, hot sex, passion, someone who seemed great in every way - a chance to start over without the burdens of house and responsibilities (which included two wonderful kids). But he just couldn't see his way to leaving me either.

 

He said that at the time he felt he saw things clearly, but that it is only looking back that he sees how distorted his view was of her, that relationship, himself, me and our marriage. The distortion is caused in no small part by comparing a new, no-responsibility relationship with a long-term, keeping all the balls in the air relationship. He convinced himself of certain things, which he realized later in therapy were merely his defense mechanisms in order to justify the A and not feel like a complete b*****d.

 

Once I found out we began talking in a way we never had before. We found out a lot of surprising things about ourselves and each other. Being conflict avoiders also, we had never talked about the things that were bothering us.

 

I agreed that some things needed to change, including things about myself. He agreed that he needed to make changes too. That was two years ago and things between us are better than they were before. Especially the sex, surprisingly enough.

 

Perhaps you are a pessimist at heart, but you seem fairly set on keeping the OW in the picture and not trying to work on your marriage. In that case, you will reap what you sow.

 

To be honest, you sound really selfish. You are keeping the OW in the picture and also keeping your wife. What about them? Are they just there to give you what you want while you give them just enough? You show up at the house at night, but I bet you aren't being the kind of dad you should be (I know my H, who had been a great father, became very checked out of their lives during his A). That is what leads a lot of men into affairs in the first place - you get tired of being the good guy who takes care of everything and you just want to be selfish for once. In the end, you will hurt a lot of innocent people and they may never forgive you for it. Tell me then if this was worth it.

 

The mantra of people involved in affairs is "I/you deserve to be happy." My H said that at the time, he thought he was happy "in the relationship." He said later on that wasn't happiness, it was obsession, addiction, desire, selfishness - but it wasn't happiness. I hope your therapy helps you sort all this out before more people are hurt.

[OldEurope]

Cher Monsieur Independent,

 

Once every blue moon the poster "Owl" and I agree on something and we almost had a home run here on this thread...Except for the important difference that I do believe in separation in a case such as yours where he adamantly does not. Both views deserve consideration, and I urge you to perhaps think about this as the "middle ground" you just might need.

 

Owl (who comes from the "other side" as an ex-betrayed spouse) believes that separation means out of sight out of mind, while I (as a former "Other Woman" who married her then-married man) believe that separation can really make a person take a good, clear hard look at his life from an individual standpoint. This is the only way that I see you gaining clarity.

 

That you do not really want to work on the marriage and that you are, as you say, in love with the OW (which, despite what other posters might think, is not crazed chemicals running riot, but is sincere emotion when it is true love) means that you need to step back and think out your next steps. It might be best to do this alone, so your wife, for example, doesn't become "alarmed" over your withdrawing/tuning out at the dinner table, in front of the TV, etc.

 

It would be more honest too. And yours is a case where being up front, cards on the table, laying it all on the line, is the best policy. You will feel the weight of the world (or at least some of it) come off your shoulders.

 

Do not let "guilt" burden you. You are 50 and you have (and always have had) a right to having the life you want. I have heard these stories for quite some time and either the man hits a total brick wall, becomes hugely angry at the world and things really start to spiral downward, or he becomes a depressed monk within his own marriage. We don't want this happening to you. You can work this out.

 

Your great statesman Winston C. famously said "When you're going through hell, just keep going".

 

The way through your hell I believe is just a steady, careful concentration on you and this means--the best as I can see this--a separation period. You will really be able to assess things for the better.

 

xoxo

OE

[John Who]

I was also in a similar situation with my W only I never had a PA mine was a EA,felt taken for granted, lonly,unhappy for the most part.

 

Like you I let this situation get deeper and deeper,I thought I was no longer in love with my W .

 

What you need to do is come clean either with the truth that you have been having an A and you want a divorce or tell your wife how the two of you have lost the communication the spark how you feel taken for granted and see if she is willing to work on the M.

 

During my EA I went into a depression towards the end of it,I though maybe I was depressed because I was so into the OW that I could'nt stand being away from her,well I was wrong .

 

I finally could'nt take it anymore,I did'nt plan it but one night my W looked at me and gave me this smile and it just tore me up inside and at that moment I new I needed to tell her the truth,and you know what it felt like a ton of bricks being taken of my chest.

 

No matter what the outcome is you need to tell your W ,either you end your M or you try and help your M,but do not stay stuck in the situation you are in now chances are if you are this unhappy,then i'm sure your wife is unhappy also,hope you can figure things out.

[angie2443]

We have been seeing each other for 6 months now so the "honeymoon" phase is over. .

 

Can't be over the "honeymoon" phase untill you've live with each other on a day to day basis for some time. This is one reason why so many relationships starting out as an affair fall apart after a year or so of the new couple living together.

 

One thing that gets me about these posts is, the person who's cheating or about to cheat calls there spouse a good friend or even best friend. Is this how people treat their good friends these days? I really don't understand this.

[Owl]

One thing I do appreciate about OE...

 

When we don't agree, we don't agree. And then we'll agree...to disagree on what we couldn't agree on.

 

:)

[MrIndependent]

Thank you smartgirl for being so open about your situation - I'm truly sorry you went through such a hurtful time. It must still be painful to talk about so I really admire the fact you and others take the time to share on this forum.

 

It's like I have two people living inside me. There is this guy who is totally selfless, who loves his wife and kids and would die rather than hurt them. Then there is the other guy who feels he has been kept in the shadows for too long. He craves excitement and longs to be free. This guy has suddenly burst out of his straightjacket and now demands to be taken seriously. I don't know whether any of this makes sense and I guess I'm coming to the conclusion that I have some real problems. And I thought I was so well adjusted!

 

 

Mr. I,

The mantra of people involved in affairs is "I/you deserve to be happy." My H said that at the time, he thought he was happy "in the relationship." He said later on that wasn't happiness, it was obsession, addiction, desire, selfishness - but it wasn't happiness. I hope your therapy helps you sort all this out before more people are hurt.

 

You are right in that I'm being selfish but it's like I have put "self" on hold for so long and now I feel a bit like "David Banner" when he gets angry and turns into the Hulk. I'm getting maybe 4-5 hours sleep a night and waking up agitated. I'm irritable and moody, work is suffering. My wife's reaction to this is to "let me get on with it". Let me stress I was not happy before the A. We find it so hard to talk about anything that "rocks the boat" and she's scared stiff to pull up the carpet we have swept so much stuff under over the years.

 

I'm coming to the conclusion it may be better to end my marriage whatever the consequences now because I don't see a way to exorcise these feelings without causing a lot of pain to everyone over a longer time period.

 

Thanks again for your valued input. x

[MrIndependent]

Cher Monsieur Independent,

 

That you do not really want to work on the marriage and that you are, as you say, in love with the OW (which, despite what other posters might think, is not crazed chemicals running riot, but is sincere emotion when it is true love) means that you need to step back and think out your next steps. It might be best to do this alone, so your wife, for example, doesn't become "alarmed" over your withdrawing/tuning out at the dinner table, in front of the TV, etc.

 

Your great statesman Winston C. famously said "When you're going through hell, just keep going".

 

The way through your hell I believe is just a steady, careful concentration on you and this means--the best as I can see this--a separation period. You will really be able to assess things for the better.

 

xoxo

OE

 

Thanks again OE for some great words of wisdom. It is good to hear from someone who has experienced being the OW. I can only guess what is going through her mind but she does seem to be handling it extremely well. I think she is holding back at the moment and waiting to see what will happen which is understandable.

 

I wish I could separate the A issue from the M issue but although I was unhappy before I met the OW, it has taken this experience to bring everything to a head. Yes, in the first few weeks we were both a mess of emotions and adrenalin. I have never experienced anything like it. Of course that wore off after a while but that has been replaced by something much deeper. I am now coping with the fact she has moved to another country and the opportunities to see one another are limited. I love her deeply and can't see a way of letting her go at the moment.

 

I think I will broach the subject of a trial separation with my W and see what reaction I get. I don't think she will see it as anything constructive though.

 

Thanks again x.

[MrIndependent]

I was also in a similar situation with my W only I never had a PA mine was a EA,felt taken for granted, lonly,unhappy for the most part.

 

Like you I let this situation get deeper and deeper,I thought I was no longer in love with my W .

 

What you need to do is come clean either with the truth that you have been having an A and you want a divorce or tell your wife how the two of you have lost the communication the spark how you feel taken for granted and see if she is willing to work on the M.

 

During my EA I went into a depression towards the end of it,I though maybe I was depressed because I was so into the OW that I could'nt stand being away from her,well I was wrong .

 

I finally could'nt take it anymore,I did'nt plan it but one night my W looked at me and gave me this smile and it just tore me up inside and at that moment I new I needed to tell her the truth,and you know what it felt like a ton of bricks being taken of my chest.

 

No matter what the outcome is you need to tell your W ,either you end your M or you try and help your M,but do not stay stuck in the situation you are in now chances are if you are this unhappy,then i'm sure your wife is unhappy also,hope you can figure things out.

 

Yes, I think depression is where I'm at right now which is not helping anyone. The problem is, it's such a life changing decision and I have to be sure it's the right one - there is no going back!

 

I would not have contemplated leaving my wife until now but the children are so much older and they have been a big factor in us staying together. Maybe this was wrong and I should have worked on the nmarriage or left earlier but what is done is done. I now feel I have lots of wasted years and I'm not getting any younger. How do you feel now about the OW? Were you in love?

 

Thanks again.

[MrIndependent]

 

So, if you seperated from your wife, and were now able to spend even more time with OW with less chance of getting caught by your wife, what do you REALLY think you'd be doing during that seperation? In a large number of cases, all the trial seperation does is set the stage for the affair to develop further, and for the marriage to deteriorate further. You can't work on something by avoiding it.

 

 

Except that the OW has now moved to another country so I think there would be a chance to do the seperation without seeing her. I think I need to get my head straight and the only way I can see of doing this is to "go out into the wilderness" for a couple of months. Obviously this is not practical but I think I could maybe go some way towards this. What do you think?

 

Thanks very much for your insights!

[OpenBook]

I wish I could separate the A issue from the M issue but although I was unhappy before I met the OW, it has taken this experience to bring everything to a head. Yes, in the first few weeks we were both a mess of emotions and adrenalin. I have never experienced anything like it. Of course that wore off after a while but that has been replaced by something much deeper. I am now coping with the fact she has moved to another country and the opportunities to see one another are limited. I love her deeply and can't see a way of letting her go at the moment.

 

Could this be why you feel so in love with your OW - the fact that she moved so far away from you? You feel left behind, left out in the cold right now... and you're translating that into love. (I don't really know, I'm just guessing here!)

 

In this case, and knowing you wouldn't be able to pursue a serious R with your far-away OW, I think a trial separation with your W is a good idea. It might have the same effect. You're taking everything about your W and M for granted right now. It would be an eye-opener to discover how you fare without it... how it REALLY feels to be left out in the cold.

 

And if you truly don't love your W anymore, that will also become clear.

 

BIG HUGE CAVEAT: This all assumes your W will go along with all this. She may instead choose to kick you out and torture you with a nasty, expensive, drawn-out D over the next few years. You can't control what her reaction (or decision) will be. It's a huge risk and an unknown factor if you decide to seek a separation. Are you willing to take that risk?

[Owl]

I honestly think that you need to spend time working on your marriage...not head off into the wilderness on your own to sort things out.

 

The things you need to sort out are in your marriage...you're not going to solve anything by spending time alone.

 

I think taking off on your own is avoiding dealing with the problem. I can understand why you'd want to do that, but its still going to be there when you get done.

 

I say, step up. Take charge of your mistakes, and fix them. Take charge of fixing your marriage. Don't look for the easy way of avoiding the issue and the conflict...face what you've got to do, and make it right.