In Over My Head

[OldEurope]

BIG HUGE CAVEAT: This all assumes your W will go along with all this. She may instead choose to kick you out and torture you with a nasty, expensive, drawn-out D over the next few years. You can't control what her reaction (or decision) will be. It's a huge risk and an unknown factor if you decide to seek a separation. Are you willing to take that risk?

 

 

This is where I really lose sympathy, to tell you the truth. "The nasty, expensive" torture. Really, what for? To keep a husband as a house pet another few decades more? The man is miserable. He apparently put himself aside to put his wife's (and kids') interests first. He is supposed to live his life unhappy?

 

If his wife does react like this, and does not sympathize to a certain degree that their marriage has been theater for some time, then he is, quite frankly, better off solo---and/or with someone else.

 

It is clear he doesn't want to work on the marriage. Or, he is willing to do so to some degree, but he has to resolve the "two persons in one body" he is living with. If he does not--and soon--he is going to have a breakdown. There is misery in his "voice" here.

 

Therefore, I think he does need to be by himself for a while. What really can it hurt? I just do believe it can be a great tool--some solo flying--to gain perspective.

 

The wife also does not seem to be responding to his needs, preferring to avoid reality. How can he "work" with that?

 

xxxxoooo

OE.

[John Who]

Mr.I,yes this is a life changing decision and only time will tell if you've made the right choice,every situation is different.

 

At the time of my EA yes I did feel that I was falling in love with the OW,and I felt that I no longer loved my W.

 

I did things to block out the real feelings I had towards my W,I tried to make up excuses for it to be ok with having the EA.

 

What is odd is that I did not realize I still loved my W until the moment I decided to tell her of the EA.

 

The thought of not being able to see my W everyday,not being able to see her smile,laugh,her voice,smelling her perfume on her body,I then realized I'm not ready to have her out of my everday life,I new then I still loved her.

 

After telling her of the EA,she left me right away,she could'nt forgive me,she divorced me we have been D for almost 3 year's now and I am still very much in love with her today.

 

After our D I ran into the OW whom I was having the EA with and we dated for sometime and moved in together things did'nt work out she turned out not to be the person who I thought I had these feelings for during the EA and I was still in love with my W during my whole relationship with the OW,so no OW and I are no longer togther I left her,and my XW has not spoken to me in months.

[Mr. Lucky]

In situations like these, I think you need to separate "what" you're doing from "why" you're doing it. The latter is easy to figure out - as you said, you felt unloved, unappreciated, undervalued. People on both sides of the fence here would agree that it's understandable for you to feel this way.

 

It's the "what" that leads to a deeper discussion. From my POV, it's wrong to break your marital vows and commitment, simple as that. At the least, you owe your W of many years a chance to fix things. And a real chance at that, unemcumbered with competition from an OW, present or not. For yourself, for her and for your kids, that's the right thing to do. MC is often the pathway to get there.

 

Sometimes, despite people's best efforts and intentions, things still don't work out. If that's the case for you, life for everyone involved will still go on. A divorce can occur in a civil way that keeps your relationship with your kids intact. But, were it me, I'd having a hard time living with myself if I didn't at least try to salvage my relationship with the mother of my children and the person I committed to. I feel you owe at least that much...

 

Mr. Lucky

[John Who]

Well honestly my XW will not even talk to me,because of the fact when I ended my R with the OW whom I was in a R with after the D,decided to call my XW and disrespect her.

 

W and I were hanging out we started to develope a great relationship,after all we have a kid togther so it was great that we were able to begin to get along.

 

W just has not talked with me since the phone call from OW,we communicate through her mother.

[smartgirl]

Thank you smartgirl for being so open about your situation - I'm truly sorry you went through such a hurtful time. It must still be painful to talk about so I really admire the fact you and others take the time to share on this forum.

 

It's like I have two people living inside me. There is this guy who is totally selfless, who loves his wife and kids and would die rather than hurt them. Then there is the other guy who feels he has been kept in the shadows for too long. He craves excitement and longs to be free. This guy has suddenly burst out of his straightjacket and now demands to be taken seriously. I don't know whether any of this makes sense and I guess I'm coming to the conclusion that I have some real problems. And I thought I was so well adjusted!

 

 

You are right in that I'm being selfish but it's like I have put "self" on hold for so long and now I feel a bit like "David Banner" when he gets angry and turns into the Hulk. I'm getting maybe 4-5 hours sleep a night and waking up agitated. I'm irritable and moody, work is suffering. My wife's reaction to this is to "let me get on with it". Let me stress I was not happy before the A. We find it so hard to talk about anything that "rocks the boat" and she's scared stiff to pull up the carpet we have swept so much stuff under over the years.

 

I'm coming to the conclusion it may be better to end my marriage whatever the consequences now because I don't see a way to exorcise these feelings without causing a lot of pain to everyone over a longer time period.

 

Thanks again for your valued input. x

 

I do understand what you are saying. Every word, because every word could have come right out of my H's mouth. He was unhappy before his A. I was too, but I had supressed a lot of the bad/sad feelings and just kept moving forward with no clear idea of what might be done to improve things.

 

Everything you describe from the craving for excitement, the desire to feel sexy and powerful to the lack of sleep and being irritable at home -- all the exact same. My H said he thought several times of suicide.

 

Based on my experience, and that of many others, I believe you have a chance to be happy in your marriage and keep your family intact. I believe in trying to fix something before I just throw it out. But you have to want to do this. If you wish your marriage could be fixed, but just don't believe that is possible then that is one thing. You have nothing to lose by trying honesty and counselling. But, if you believe your marriage might be fixed and you just don't want to even try that is something else.

 

I hear you, but I also hear a man who wants to be good and wants to be able to have a good view of himself in the long run. From where you sit right now though, "good" probably just sounds like more self-sacrifice and less happiness and you are tired of that.

 

My H felt our marriage was over. That it had run its course. The moment of truth for him came after I found out and he just didn't want to give up on the marriage without trying to fix it. It wasn't easy for either of us. He was still emotionally connected to OW and to the experience and it was several months before he really felt like himself again. I know he missed feeling the sense of confidence, power and desirability he had during the A. He was afraid that if he ended it with her, he would just go back to being the nice guy who envys other guys. That hasn't been the case, in fact the opposite.

 

You are being urged by some to think of yourself and your happiness and that the best way to do that is to separate from your wife. I don't believe in that approach personally. I think you have a wife and children who love you and the very least they deserve from you is some effort at repairing a bad situation and seeing if you can't find happiness again with them. That is not the same as staying in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids. You've been doing that for a long time and I do not agree with that and I would never advocate for that.

 

Having someone who loves you is very valuable. It is not something to throw away like a used tissue. IMO.

[MrIndependent]

Well honestly my XW will not even talk to me,because of the fact when I ended my R with the OW whom I was in a R with after the D,decided to call my XW and disrespect her.

 

W and I were hanging out we started to develope a great relationship,after all we have a kid togther so it was great that we were able to begin to get along.

 

W just has not talked with me since the phone call from OW,we communicate through her mother.

Ah John Who - I'm so sorry this happened to you. Maybe a case of patient calm persistence would pay off here. It may take a long time for your W to still realise you love her and vice versa. I'm a great believer in keeping chipping away at problems until they collapse. Fine on eto be giving advice I am!

[mtndew]

Sorry haven't had time to read all posts, on my out the door to a marraige enrichment seminar. BW's request. This time last year I was deep into a EA and could not think straight at all. Almost a year to date OW backed out for the usual not wanting to be the cause of breaking up the M. My reactions and actions were pretty textbook, so close to where you are. I muddled thru the last summer and the holidays & pretended to be working on the M. The long and short, I finally moved out, against Owls advice for reasons restated earlier on this thread. OW and I went into NC for over 3 months and since I have been out on my own, I have figured out a lot and uncovered a lot more to be figured out. And the ironic thing, most of it does not involve either woman. Go figure.It involves figuring out why I got M in the first place, why I got involved with OW, why it is so difficult to jump back into M, why I need to give it my all and why I am what I am. It has put my M into perspective and am now ready to work on the M, to either make it stronger than ever, or end it.So when you hear some say that moving out is not a good thing, sometimes it is. Originally in the back of my mind I probably envisioned spending time with OW. Didn't happen. But I found the remnants of the guy I was before M, the foundation of the guy I will become again. Whether that is still M to W who knows, after this weekends encounter, we'll know better. By the way I do have 2 kids, 9 & 13, and my relationship with them has always been good, it is bordering on great now, tremendous one on one time with each individually and together.Hang in there, patience is a very good friend right now, the fog will eventually begin to lift and you will see things better, maybe not the way you want to, but you will see.

[OldEurope]

I come from the side Owl is on as well, though my W's affair was 11 years long - sort of a "same time next year" kind of thing where RM was mostly inaccessible (2 states away) except at conferences or as a consultant on work projects. My W's affair was also a PA, and though it was very infrequent, it lasted a very long time and so there's been a lot of overcoming 2 do on both our parts.

 

I think that my own thinking probably went back and forth from being clingy after d-day (and relieved that my W never left us), 2 wishing she'd just go and figure herself out, 2 the way I feel now - believing that if my W were 2 leave at this point, I'd wish her well. In all probability, I'd take a "recovered" version of her back at some point if she did leave, but all WSs need 2 realize that they don't hold all the cards and aren't doing all the growing - and they may just find out that, once they've gotten the affair "out of their system" or had time alone 2 find themselves, that their former BS has moved on or doesn't otherwise want 2 rebuild.

 

Emotions are chemical, sorry. "True love" is a conscious choice involving acting responsibly (particularly in marriage), as in "forsake all others" and "for better or for worse". True love is not a feeling. Feelings change. Romance always fades. Real love is what's there that sustains marriages and families when the romance fades after the first few years. And I would submit that, whether he realizes it or not, the OP is still with his W and kids because of real love, real commitment (such as it currently is), and it's the compromises he's made 2 justify his affair that's making it hard 2 sleep at night - not anything his W is or isn't doing. Because remember, she doesn't yet know the na2re of the problem.

 

 

2Long,

 

I agree with everything you said in this post, but, as Owl might say, we have to agree to disagree about the emotions-as-chemicals part. I believe chemicals react to the state of mind that love can bring about, but that chemicals are not the source of that state of mind. The psychological reaction to the object of one's affection is the source of that love.

 

I did not fall in love with my H because of oxyca...(?) or adreniline pumping through neurotransmitters....but because of who he is. A personality. A type. A mystery.

 

Nor do I believe romance must fade or that it is incompatible with real love. This all depends on one's personality.

 

By the way, your wife owes you a candlelight dinner and a massage!

 

xo

OE

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you have a wife and children who love you and the very least they deserve from you is some effort at repairing a bad situation and seeing if you can't find happiness again with them. That is not the same as staying in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids. You've been doing that for a long time and I do not agree with that and I would never advocate for that.

Well said. Mr I, what is the downside of an honest effort to reconnect with your wife and rekindle your marriage? If it doesn't work, seems like you're no worse off than you are now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Alady]

There are a lot of good people here who offer advice with the best of intentions. You've obviously seen the diversity of the opinions. That in itself can be confusing, mirroring the struggle in your mind that you are seeking relief from.

 

If you were the type to fly by the seat of your pants you would not be struggling, you wouldn't be here seeking advice. You are "chipping away at the problem," to use your own words. Don't feel pressured to make a decision one way or another until you can make that decision and know you made the right one and are willing to accept the consequences good or bad. You are unique...do what "you" need to do to know that. There is no hurry. Time is your friend and can reveal so much.

 

You matter, your happiness matters and the rest of your life matters. It's OK to back up and regroup.

 

It is wonderful to hear from those who went through hell and worked so hard to regain the relationship they thought lost. I hope that can happen for you if that is what you want. However, there are countless happy, remarried couples of all ages. It's not all black or white.

[MrIndependent]

Almost a year to date OW backed out for the usual not wanting to be the cause of breaking up the M.

 

Forgive me for asking but was the OW happy to stay non-committed and it was you who wanted to be with her long term? I'm beginning to suspect this is the case with my OW. She gets very jittery when I talk about separation. Says she doesn't want to be responsible for splitting up a family (which is understandabe of course). All I want is to be with her though so it's catch 22. Maybe, just maybe, I could get by just seeing her now and then and continuing the affair but this would mean constantly lying to my W and I would end up hating myself. Seems like the ideal situation for those who want "a bit on the side" - thing is I DON'T!

 

I think I know what I must do. End the A, try to work on the M and if it fails then leave. I just don't have the strength to do it.

[MrIndependent]

There are a lot of good people here who offer advice with the best of intentions. You've obviously seen the diversity of the opinions. That in itself can be confusing, mirroring the struggle in your mind that you are seeking relief from.

 

If you were the type to fly by the seat of your pants you would not be struggling, you wouldn't be here seeking advice. You are "chipping away at the problem," to use your own words. Don't feel pressured to make a decision one way or another until you can make that decision and know you made the right one and are willing to accept the consequences good or bad. You are unique...do what "you" need to do to know that. There is no hurry. Time is your friend and can reveal so much.

 

You matter, your happiness matters and the rest of your life matters. It's OK to back up and regroup.

 

It is wonderful to hear from those who went through hell and worked so hard to regain the relationship they thought lost. I hope that can happen for you if that is what you want. However, there are countless happy, remarried couples of all ages. It's not all black or white.

 

Thank you Alady. I really appreciate your supportive words. I have decided to move very gradually in this process. You are right, there is no hurry. The OW is not urging me to leave (quite the opposite). This is about me and discovering why I act this way. At the moment I don't like what I see and this is causing depression. The words of smartgirl keep haunting me. I don't want to end up hurting my family so I'll wait until I have the strength to do what is right.

 

Thanks everyone for your help so far - you are amazing!

[smartgirl]

Thank you Alady. I really appreciate your supportive words. I have decided to move very gradually in this process. You are right, there is no hurry. The OW is not urging me to leave (quite the opposite). This is about me and discovering why I act this way. At the moment I don't like what I see and this is causing depression. The words of smartgirl keep haunting me. I don't want to end up hurting my family so I'll wait until I have the strength to do what is right.

 

Thanks everyone for your help so far - you are amazing!

 

Mr. I,

Many, many men have been where you are now. Not sure whether to go back or foward or what. It seems to me that people in affairs feel changed by the experience and so the idea of "going back" to the marriage as it was seems untenable. Likewise, they can't imagine walking away from their wife and kids -- either because there is still love there or because they really don't want to be the kind of man who does something like that.

 

IMO, you can't really think about going back into your marriage without also facing the fact that you will have to push change. You weren't happy before the A. Your wife may not be either. Almost any marriage can benefit from regular adjustments and shake ups and you would be amazed at how effective they can be. We were together 30 years and have still managed to dramatically refresh and improve our relationship.

 

So try not to feel so trapped. Concentrating on your marriage does not have to mean going back to the way things were before.

 

But sadly, most men don't start moving in the right direction until something blows up and forces the issue.

[mtndew]

M I, during the course of our short term, 6 week time together, it was obvious that the feelings were mutual on both sides. I know without a doubt the feelings were there. Then after nearly 3 months of NC back in Feb., I ran into her at a soccer game and in a very brief conversation she figured out that I had moved out of the house. She was very glad to see me and to "catch up" on things, and then our NC continues. In a conversation back during the EA, she stated a friends comments to leave me alone and let me settle my M dilemna one way or the other and then and only then if I was single and had some decompression time could we see each other again. Does she miss me? I know back in November, she did tremendously, now don't know for sure? Does it really matter in my quest, no. I am trying to figure out if W and I have a future.

 

As far as the comment made of breaking up the family, yes my family is broken up, there is all kinds of pain and repurcussions being felt. But at the same time, there are some great positives coming out of it all. W is growing and developing spiritually for the first real time in her life. She is dealing with things better, without anger, like never before. I am on a mission, have been even before OW to figure out who this 50 year old man is.

 

Take your time, it is slow and painful, but eventually you will see things a bit clearer, whether you like what you see and do what you see, that's the tough part. Stay strong, you will make it through, chances are better than before.

[MrIndependent]

Bolt from the blue. OW called to say she has 'nothing more to give' and wants to stop all contact. Could this be fate? I think she got scared - can't blame her. Problem is I just feel like my insides have been ripped out. Feel really weird now. Sorry - meaningless post.

[Lookingforward]

Concentrating on your marriage does not have to mean going back to the way things were before.

 

and sadly that's often all it is - a return to the status quo

[MrIndependent]

OW texted me all night about how bad she feels, afraid I think she was using me. Says she wants to stop because there is no future for us - she doesn't have the capacity to love. Don't understand this at all. If I was confused before then now I'm f***ing deranged. My last text to her said if she wants to stop then go ahead but she knows how I feel about her. I am now doing NC. Maybe this is for the best as I wasn't strong enough to let her go and now she has effectively dumped me. Problem is, I have realised that I do love her deeply. If I can feel this strongly for someone else then maybe I should just get out of this marriage. I am not doing anyone any good. Depression has come back like a black cloud and I just feel like ending it all (I won't).

[Owl]

OK, heads up man.

 

Here's the deal...you're going to go into a depression and "funk" over the loss of the affair and the OW. This is normal...they call it 'withdrawl'...just as if you were going cold turkey over the loss of the drug addiction of your choice.

 

Your wife is GOING to see this, and know something is wrong. Its impossible to hide this.

 

I think you need to get to an MC right now...TODAY. Set up an appt, talk with him first, tell him the truth of all that's gone down...and then bring your wife in on the next session or later in the same one, and give her the whole story.

 

Its the only way you're going to be able to sort through what all's about to happen.

 

Hang in there.

[smartgirl]

OW texted me all night about how bad she feels, afraid I think she was using me. Says she wants to stop because there is no future for us - she doesn't have the capacity to love. Don't understand this at all. If I was confused before then now I'm f***ing deranged. My last text to her said if she wants to stop then go ahead but she knows how I feel about her. I am now doing NC. Maybe this is for the best as I wasn't strong enough to let her go and now she has effectively dumped me. Problem is, I have realised that I do love her deeply. If I can feel this strongly for someone else then maybe I should just get out of this marriage. I am not doing anyone any good. Depression has come back like a black cloud and I just feel like ending it all (I won't).

 

You are a real classic. You want to be wanted and you want what you can't have. Please don't bring the word love into this as I don't think there is anything nearly so noble about your feelings. If your wife wanted to kick you out you would probably start pinning after her too. Owl is correct in that you are likely going through withdrawal which can be over amazingly quick with true NC. But you aren't interested in getting over it.

 

I'm sorry this is so harsh but you need to smarten up big time. That doesn't mean going NC and working on your marriage since I'm beginning to suspect your wife is better off without you. But you do need help and you need to figure out how to talk to your wife about this without dumping a load of s**t in her lap that she will have to deal with for the rest of her life. That includes your daughter too by the way.

 

It is crystal clear that your OW doesn't want to have anything to do with you. Your wife on the other hand seems to think you are great. And you spit on that and everything she is offering you.

 

My only hope is that you work with the MC to find a way to talk to your wife about your conflicted mental state and separate so that she isn't left feeling that this is all her fault. However, just to leave you with some perspective from another man who was in an affair and struggled for a long time to leave the OW behind and focus on this marriage, I have pasted-in a recent post from MattyM.

 

Post from MattyM:

Thank you

Thank you so very much for all the help so many of you gave me on this and the first thread I started. I have learnt so much from this whole experience, it's just a shame that other people had to be hurt for me to understand certain things. That is a burden I will have to shoulder

 

The OW had cooled off, as you all know, and in her mind, we were treading water..maybe we'd get together, maybe we wouldn't. So, in her mind, she' was now free to see other guys aswell. There's the guy from work I mentioned, who she would always put down whenever I spoke about him, and another guy who was doing the gardening, who would text her saying what he'd like to do to her etc etc

 

She knew that had I known about these other guys, I would have gone, and that's why she lied and concealed them from me. I think she was hedging her bets, probably thinking 'well things don't look like they're working out with him, so I'll broaden my options'

 

In some ways I don't blame her for thinking that. After all she was hanging on for me & probably concluded I'd never leave my W. However, at the same time, could she really have felt anything for these other guys, if she was happy to sleep with me at the same time, and lie to all concerned?

 

My now ex-OW is mixed up, and unstable. She always maintained that the one thing she wanted was a stable, family life with a man who cared for her. I'm not sure she does want that - she's had those opportunities in the past, and never seized them. I remember that she was actually WITH someone when I met her, and she's simply repeating this pattern, over & over

 

These things I understand now are not my problem. When I first met her, I put on my Superman outfit & tried to rescue her, but life isn't that simple.

 

Each night her answer is to smoke & drink herself to sleep, and seek comfort from whichever man shows her attention. I do feel sorry for her, on a human level,a nd I feel bad for what I have contributed to that

 

Meanwhile my family life still undergoes rebuilding. Our R will likely never have that unquestioning trust it once had, and that is down to me. My W questions things from time to time. I might go out to fill up the car, and due to traffic be gone a little longer than I should be, and she'll ask when I get back why I was gone so long..wondering if I was contacting her. Things similar to that happen a lot. I make a point of leaving my phone around so she can check it whenever she wants

 

Thankfully the good days now outweight the bad, and I've found myself enjoying time with the kids more

 

I see a lot of threads on here & the OW/OM forum, and so many people are caught in this mire, so I wondered today what it is I've learned from being a MM in an affair. This is what came to my mind:

 

1. Never leave a partner purely because you met a different partner. It's comparing apples to oranges. If things are bad, then get out, regardless of whether somebody else is 'lined up' or not

 

2. Do not expect your partner ( or anyone else for that matter) to fill the gaps of 'is this it?' that routine and family life brings. If life isn't fulfilling, it's not your partner's job to boost your ego. The answers are inside, not 'out there'

 

3. If you meet someone who is quite happy to hook up with you being married, and lead this undignified life of sneaking around, scaveging for stolen time together, lying to just about everyone you both know, ask yourself 'is this really someone I can grow old with, and trust implicitly with my children etc'

 

4. I guess, most importantly, don't confuse being selfish with being 'in love'. To have your W at home, taking care of things while I get my kicks elsewhere does not make OW & I 'star-crossed' lovers. It means we both only really care about ourselves. I thought I loved OW..but yet I'd never leave my W...I understand now that is not love, it's wanting it all, and you can't have it all, with anyone you're with

 

I have hurt somebody who never did anything wrong. Having an A made her feel inadequate, like there was something wrong with her that made me do it. That's the worst part, I think she blamed herself more than me, like she's 2nd best to another woman, when nothing could be further from the truth

 

I am lucky, my W didn't throw me out. If she had I'd have gone to OW, where I'm sure things would have been great...for a while. After that, who knows? But the odds weren't in my favour, and meanwhile my 2 young kids are in the crossfire. Would the OW spend years wondering 'he did it with me, maybe he'll do it TO me' ?

 

So i suppose, any MM (particularly with kids) in my position reading this, for what it's worth, my advice is to just take a breath before you do cross that line. I know that getting attention from a younger, unattached woman can make your heart sing and make you feel like you did when you were a teenager, and it's incredibly seductive. My OW made me feel like my W was the enemy, and I was happy to accept that. After all , life with the OW was late nite calls, sex all the time, compliments etc etc.....But it isn't real and sooner or later you hit a bump, and the people that really suffer are the ones who've done nothing wrong

 

Thank you all so much for this forum. I read some of my comments on these threads and realise I almost left my family for the OW.

 

I honestly think coming here last Aug when I did saved my marriage

 

God bless, Matt

[Meaplus3]

Same old, same old... I'm 49, been married for over 20 years. Marriage has been pretty passionless, we are good friends but no spark. There are rarely any arguments since we are both conflict avoiders. If I'm honest, it all started to fall apart after the children now 16, 19, came along. Basically I let myself be backed into a corner where I felt over worked, under appreciated and taken for granted. Spent a lot of my life feeling lonely despite having good friends. I have only myself to blame but was too dumb to see it at the time. After many years of resisting constant temptation, I have fallen for another woman. She is single (39) but is scared stiff I will leave my wife for her at this point. We have been seeing each other for 6 months now so the "honeymoon" phase is over. When we are together I feel happy and complete. We have a lot in common and in many respects we are like soul mates. She has now moved away but we still speak on the phone and keep in touch.

 

All this has forced me to reevalute my life and marriage. How can I stay in a marriage with someone I don't love and continue to deceive her? The flip side is I know it would devastate my wife and kids if I left and I don't think I could put her through that. Don't know what I expect anyone to say apart from "pull yourself together". Feeling completely trapped and so low at the moment and have considered suicide. Tried Prozak but that made things worse.

 

Just because the spark is gone does not mean you should throw in the towel just yet. Have you thought about Marriage counseling?

 

AP:)

[rproctor]

MrIndependent

I did not read through all of your messages, or all of your replies... But I have one thing to say... Sometimes, true love does not come from ones self, but through the self's of many. Meaning, you can not let your love solely rely on how you feel towards your wife. You fear that you will spend your entire life with a woman you do not truly love... How do you come to this conclusion? Because you feel it? Your feelings are not who you are, they are part of who you art. Your restriction to your wife is not because of what you feel, but because you feel that you are lacking something better, thus the reason you tried to find another partner...

 

But now look at where you are, are you happy now that you have found her? Love is, in fact, not an emotion but a state of mind. To love you must release these fears that prevent you from your true happiness whatever they may be. You have already found your soul mate, you have created life with her, and now you are bored with her. It is completely natural the way you feel, we all feel bored at some point with what we are comfortable with. But remember boredom is another form of suffering.

 

I might sound crazy, like what the hell is this guy talking about... But you have to realize, that everything that you are becoming is through your self. Your mind is what controls you, not your feelings. You need to think deeply about your life, about your life, about your life... Not about what you desire, or about what you want... Because that will lead to more suffering. Think about who you are, where your life is, what you have now, and what will be left when you are gone. We only have a short time here in this life, you shouldn't waste it chasing what you desire, but live it contempt with what you have.

[OldEurope]

We only have a short time here in this life, you shouldn't waste it chasing what you desire, but live it contempt with what you have.

 

 

 

Really, who are these people?

 

Is anyone listening to the OP? He is miserable. He feels used and unappreciated by his wife and has for most of his marriage. The man has contemplated suicide! My God!

 

We only have a short time here in this life and you shouldn't waste it on people who treat you like a bill paying house-pet who have you chained to a "vow" as it conveniences them, to hell with having to do anything in return!

 

You should pursue life pursuing life and desire is the elan vital of life. He is trying to be careful and hasn't run off with the OW. But why should he live "content" (you said above "contempt"--Freudian slip, perhaps?) with his situation? Why? For what purpose? So his wife can abuse him some more?

 

I need to get out of LS. I can't stand the mentalities here anymore

[OldEurope]

If you meet someone who is quite happy to hook up with you being married, and lead this undignified life of sneaking around, scaveging for stolen time together, lying to just about everyone you both know, ask yourself 'is this really someone I can grow old with, and trust implicitly with my children etc'

 

God bless, Matt

 

Aw, and he says "God Bless" at the end, good family man that he is.

 

What a pompous, self-serving, self-justification from a man who does not appear to have an ounce of guilt how he treated the other woman he was with.

 

Her comportment does not sound class-act, but neither does this poster's. Considering what is written above, why did he have an affair with her in the first place if she is so undesirable?

 

Life with the ow in this case might have been "unreal", but living a theater-marriage is not any bit more honest either.

 

OE

[OldEurope]

OW texted me all night about how bad she feels, afraid I think she was using me. Says she wants to stop because there is no future for us - she doesn't have the capacity to love. Don't understand this at all. If I was confused before then now I'm f***ing deranged. My last text to her said if she wants to stop then go ahead but she knows how I feel about her. I am now doing NC. Maybe this is for the best as I wasn't strong enough to let her go and now she has effectively dumped me. Problem is, I have realised that I do love her deeply. If I can feel this strongly for someone else then maybe I should just get out of this marriage. I am not doing anyone any good. Depression has come back like a black cloud and I just feel like ending it all (I won't).

 

 

 

Honey,

 

She's been hearing time and again how miserable you are, and yet you are still married. She most likely no longer trusts you.

 

The day you can give her a set of plans about WHAT you are going-to-do and WHEN you are going to do it, is the day she will calm down. Her defenses are up. She fears being more hurt than she is. She has no concrete reassurances from you. She sees you dillying and dallying and the angry reactions are tests, she wants to hear/see/feel your reaction. Enough with the stuff that she is "independent" and "tough". She is a woman, and probably a professional and she is doing what educated women today do--she is trying to carve out her own life and it is difficult. She too wants love and stability and it has to come in the form of rock-solid DECISIONS.

 

So do not sit here saying that you are F***d up and confused in response to her anger, you know perfectly well she is trying to protect her heart.

 

LIFE 101:

 

1. Miserable?????? Get away from the things/situations/people that are causing you misery!

 

2. Made a vow????? Make sure it is respected by both sides! It ain't a coupon redeemable by one spouse only! Enough with the hypocrisy marriages!

 

3. In love with a woman and the love has stood the test of time and tribulations? Don't let her go!!!!

 

4. 50ish, confused, feeling used and abused? You have the power to change your life any minute you want. If you wallow, it's your own bloody fault!

 

I am leaving LS. I am losing perspective.

 

xoxoxo

OE

[rproctor]

Really, who are these people?

 

Is anyone listening to the OP? He is miserable. He feels used and unappreciated by his wife and has for most of his marriage. The man has contemplated suicide! My God!

 

We only have a short time here in this life and you shouldn't waste it on people who treat you like a bill paying house-pet who have you chained to a "vow" as it conveniences them, to hell with having to do anything in return!

 

You should pursue life pursuing life and desire is the elan vital of life. He is trying to be careful and hasn't run off with the OW. But why should he live "content" (you said above "contempt"--Freudian slip, perhaps?) with his situation? Why? For what purpose? So his wife can abuse him some more?

 

I need to get out of LS. I can't stand the mentalities here anymore

 

OE, you make some very good points in your posts, though you are thinking very one minded. Not everything is as simple as that, not everything should be run away from, not everything should be disregarded that is not beneficial. If his child became a drug abuser which made him miserable, should he let his child go or work to help the child?

 

Not all problems have an answer, and not all answers have a problem. He has only the problems that he makes for himself, and only the answers he gives himself will he find to solve them. I did not see any of his posts that led me to believe his wife is using him, only that he feels that way. It sounds like in your post above you are dealing with some of your own problems...

 

There are limits to which we should suffer, but everyone suffers, some more than others, some not enough. Suffering is common and natural. Sometimes, in order to obtain what we value most, we must suffer to reach it. If it was handed to us, or we stole it, the value of what we desire is lost, or decreased. Over time, the value of what we have depreciates, in material and mentality. In order to maintain the value, we must maintain change, and suffer through the changes. Nothing is easy, if it was, what would be the satisfaction?

 

If his wife degrades him, then the question is will overcoming your suffering suffice the love and happiness for which you both could have? Or would it be in worthless. That answer is something only the OP can answer, because not you, me, or anyone else in this world share the bond that them too share. Remember, all we have is a few short words of the OP's life, and they are written in his opinion, not the families opinion.

 

And, remember too, that you are no longer an individual, but a family of one. Husband, wife, and children. If you are suffering, then inevitably they will suffer with you. Your mind is your battle, not your wife. You should remove the narrow vision that you see with, and realize that in this world, we live together, not alone.

 

And to OE, do you really find it necessary to pick out grammer errors and complain that peoples opinions here are not well suited? I think you may be dealing with some of your own problems to assume that you are above everyone else.