In Over My Head

[smartgirl]

Posters, are you really interested in this poster and his problem or just trying to justify your own personal positions. I have seen several of you demonize his wife in ways he has not. He has not said, unless I missed it, that she "let herself go" or "isn't meeting his needs."

 

He has said he is unhappy and can't stop looking around. That is something quite different that a person being let down or neglected.

 

In most marriages it takes both people to fail or make a success. This poster has decided to start walking away because he is bored. He has not indicated that he is being pushed out. At least I have't heard him say that.

[MrIndependent]

First I would like to say how I appreciate all the comments and I understand how sometimes posters can disagree with one another so we have to accept a certain amount of 'thread hijacking'. OE, please don't be discouraged! By it's very nature, this forum is populated by passionate individuals. We might have our problems but we are all at least living life on the edge with all the good and bad it has to throw at us. I actually feel like I'm on a massive rollercoaster at the moment - I happen to like rollercoasters but his particular one is rocking off it's foundations. It scares me but at the same time I know that being scared means we care, we are alive and the alternative is to withdraw, give up and fade into obscurity. This is one way in which my W and I are incompatible. She needs peace and stability at all costs. I need challenge, change and excitement and have to accept that this means sacrificing stability. OE, I actually don't blame my W for any of this because in the end we all allow things to happen. She is a wonderful person with her own set of insecurities. But I have chosen this path and must now deal with the consequences.

 

Smartgirl, I'm going to be completely honest. This morning I woke up and felt intense pain in my heart. All I can think about right now is the OW. I know this will probably pass but the truth is i do love her, deeply. The pain is unbearable and I know most people will probably say 'serves you right', it's karma which is fine but it doesn't change how I am feeling right now.

 

God I'm so f***cked up.

[MrIndependent]

Honey,

 

She's been hearing time and again how miserable you are, and yet you are still married. She most likely no longer trusts you.

 

The day you can give her a set of plans about WHAT you are going-to-do and WHEN you are going to do it, is the day she will calm down. Her defenses are up. She fears being more hurt than she is. She has no concrete reassurances from you. She sees you dillying and dallying and the angry reactions are tests, she wants to hear/see/feel your reaction. Enough with the stuff that she is "independent" and "tough". She is a woman, and probably a professional and she is doing what educated women today do--she is trying to carve out her own life and it is difficult. She too wants love and stability and it has to come in the form of rock-solid DECISIONS.

 

So do not sit here saying that you are F***d up and confused in response to her anger, you know perfectly well she is trying to protect her heart.

 

OE

 

I don't think that's it because I have said many times I would be willing to give up my marriage but she does not want me to. She is now saying she doesn't want to commit to a relationship which is a different thing. Another thing she has said is that she 'doesn't have the skills to love another' and worries she doesn't give me enough love. Sometimes she can be a little cold but never when we are together, only in emails and texts. It seems like she wanted something she couldn't have and now when it looks like she can have it, she doesn't want it. Can you see why I am confused?

[cherrymoon]

Forgive me but I am at work and unable to read all posts on your thread.

The truth is so smple but it takes so much time and heartache to see it and realise it.

The OW is nothing more than an escape a parellel universe. You have become to people , you can justify why you are with her all you focus on in your mariage is what is making you unhappy.

The sex is possibly new and excititing. You have no real worries with this woman you actually don't share your lives together you share times in the day that is all.

 

You absolutely MUST cut all contact with this woman. It will hurt and you will be tempted but the truth is one to two months and it will stop, Why because what you have isn't real, you will miss the ego boost and you will resent the hum drum of marriage.

 

You owe respect to the ow you owe her closure and then you owe her the door.

 

YOUR WIFE: You owe her the world, you owe her your last breath, why ? because she is still next to you, she has given you your two children because she smiles when she sees you, because she didn't throw in the towel and go off with another man.

 

Who am I? I am a seperated wife because I had an affair with a married man.

I a lost alone and filled with huge remorse, I love my husband I was lost and low for a long long time and I had tried to fix it but I couldn't fix it without his help.

I lost it all I am alone with our four children and I am wounded and I no longer recognise myself because I was loyal and good.

Affairs destroy your soul and you don't realise that until you see the hurt in your partners eyes.

 

You affair is nothing more than than an addiction because this affair takes no effort it is easy and you feel good, you feel understood you feel desired and worthwhile. GROW Up you have shut down in your marriage and your wife wants to do all this ow is doing but she is tired too.

 

You know what to do because you have remained in your marriage. Cut all contact, no emails, no texts, no phone calls nothing.

 

I finally did that with my OM and very quickly realised who i loved and what I wanted sadly it was too late.

Like Owl said do not seperate from your wife stick it out I wish with all my heart I had.

Don't end up like me please

[Owl]

So...are you going to tell your wife the truth about what's gone on in her marriage?

 

What you've done impacts her as much as it impacts you.

 

On top of that, if you're in pain right now, its a very good bet she knows SOMETHING is wrong. Its better to be honest yourself up front, rather than be 'busted' later.

[smartgirl]

Mr. I, In reference to one of your last posts, you really need to understand that what you are feeling right now will pass. That does not mean that you will decide you don't love OW or that you will decide your W is really the right one for you. But you do need to get through this withdrawal phase where you feel desperate and obssessed. I think you would have to agree that important decisions in one's life should be made from a place of calm and clarity. You aren't there yet but you will be. You need to get out of the bed and stay as active as you can while going through this period. Anyone who has gone through a period of grieving will tell you that.

 

The best reason to move on from OW is the fact that she has made it clear she does not want to be with you. From what you have said, it isn't really because you are married, it is because she does not want to be in a committed relationship with you. The rejection is painful, especially when you felt so wanted and desired at one point. Whatever she felt for you was not real and so it has not been able to survive the distance of time. That is the way these things often go. She is not an option for you any longer. Some reading on the process of grieving may be helpful for you.

 

Your relationship with your W should be a separate issue. However, I don't think you are in the best frame of mind currently to evaluate that. There is no immediate, urgent need that I can see that should be driving you to a decision point on your marriage. You must continue counselling and get further along in your recovery from the A. Then hopefully you will have the calm and clarity needed to make one of the most important decisions of your life -- one that will dramatically impact your loved ones.

 

You mention that you and your W are incompatible. Maybe you and your W were never compatible in certain areas, but you ignored those because you felt strengths in other areas were more important. Maybe that is still the case, or maybe those areas of incompatibility are really core to who you are and you will conclude that you can't ignore them any longer. As part of the evaluation process though, you should think just as much about the things that made you want to marry her in the first place as you do about the things you feel unhappy about now. Try to make a really informed decision and not just focus on the negative aspects.

 

None of us has brought up the very obvious issue of your age and the role that is playing in your situation. The year or two prior and the year or two post to a milestone birthday are considered transitional phases where people, mostly men, enter into a questioning of all important decisions made up to that time including education, career, lifestyle, fitness and spouse (I read this in a behavioral science book, this is not my own opinion.) Any one of these areas can be where the evaluation starts, but ultimately it all gets included. Fear of aging, and the loss things that men hold dear, is certainly a key driver.

 

Typically if you only have a mild experience at a younger age, you will have a whopper at a later age. That is what happened to my H. At 28 he went through a bad patch including an EA with a coworker and we considered separating. We didn't and things were great for a long time. Life and pressures built as we aged and at 48 he entered into a full blown A, with a coworker, that went on for about a year. Interestingly, both of these situations began in the two months just prior to his birthday.

 

In some ways these experiences were valuable for him in that he evaluated his life to the extent of being willing to throw everything out and start over. In each case, that made him feel sure that what he had was ultimately what he really wanted.

 

There is nothing wrong with questioning our lives and how we are leading them. It can be quite healthy in the long run. Just be sure to look at your life and M in as balanced a way as possible and perhaps you will be faced with fewer regrets in the long run.

[MrIndependent]

Forgive me but I am at work and unable to read all posts on your thread.

The truth is so smple but it takes so much time and heartache to see it and realise it.

The OW is nothing more than an escape a parellel universe. You have become to people , you can justify why you are with her all you focus on in your mariage is what is making you unhappy.

The sex is possibly new and excititing. You have no real worries with this woman you actually don't share your lives together you share times in the day that is all.

 

 

You're right - I do feel like am two people at the moment and the guy I was trying to supress has burst through the wall and is wreaking havoc. Your quote about the parallel universe strikes a chord as well. I feel like nothing is real at the moment. I'm living in a dream world. Actually I have lots of worries with the OW - she has just broken up with me!

[MrIndependent]

Smartgirl. Thanks again for your balanced and thoughtful reply. If it wasn't for you I think I would have gone off the deep end by now. The similarities with your husband are striking. I had another affair when I was 39 - told my wife (she guessed, I confessed all) - left to be with OW and then returned full of remorse. We had slowly built up the trust again in our M and I went through a period where I never thought about other women. But since hitting the big 50 I plunged into a depression again. It's like a drug and I am looking for my next fix. It's like I need to feel loved, maybe not even loved but desired. I'm afraid of losing my desirability. I have come to the conclusion there is something missing in my personality which drives me to do this.

 

I am going through counselling but not sure it is getting to the root of the problem. I have some issues relating to my childhood and am aware of repressed feelings so this is probably going to take some time.

 

Maybe OW breaking up will now give me time to think but I will need to get rid of this obsession I have about her first. Easier said than done.

 

I wanted to give a more detailed reply but my head is not straight at the moment.

 

Thanks for sharing!

[norajane]

When we are together I feel happy and complete. We have a lot in common and in many respects we are like soul mates.

 

This sentiment is quite common among cheating spouses. However, none of them seem to consider that they are 'complete' because they have 2 women/men in their lives.

 

Wife takes care of home and children, and cheating husband says she is his 'best friend'. Two very practical needs, and one emotional need met. Also, you have a lot in common with your wife, as well - like family, and 20 years of shared history.

 

OW makes cheating husband feel like Superman. She meets your sex and validation needs. Your life and hers intersected for only 6 months, in a limited fashion. Just because you both like tennis and discussing politics (or whatever your 'things in common' are) does not make you soul mates. She lives in another country now and has broken up with you...you no longer have any real intersection, and that she made those choices should tell you she does not feel as you do about the soul mate thing.

 

Would you really feel complete without your wife and only with OW? Probably not, because your OW cannot be everything to you. Take away your wife, and you will feel incomplete again in the ways your wife is currently filling your needs.

 

You need to feel complete within yourself, not because of the external factor of having others complete you. If you do not feel complete on your own, then no one, wife or OW, will ever make you truly feel complete.

[norajane]

I had another affair when I was 39 - told my wife (she guessed, I confessed all) - left to be with OW and then returned full of remorse. We had slowly built up the trust again in our M and I went through a period where I never thought about other women.

 

But since hitting the big 50 I plunged into a depression again. It's like a drug and I am looking for my next fix. It's like I need to feel loved, maybe not even loved but desired. I'm afraid of losing my desirability. I have come to the conclusion there is something missing in my personality which drives me to do this.

 

I am going through counselling but not sure it is getting to the root of the problem. I have some issues relating to my childhood and am aware of repressed feelings so this is probably going to take some time.

 

Maybe OW breaking up will now give me time to think but I will need to get rid of this obsession I have about her first. Easier said than done.

 

I wanted to give a more detailed reply but my head is not straight at the moment.

 

Thanks for sharing!

 

 

Doesn't the fact that your wife wanted to keep you in her life even after your first affair show you that you are desirable? If she didn't find you desirable, you would have been out the door as soon as she knew of the first affair.

 

Or do you really need to know that multiple women find you desirable in order to feel desired? If that's the case, as I said in my previous post, no one woman will ever be enough for you. If you divorced and ended up with OW, eventually, this need to be desired would crop up again and you would find yourself cheating on her, too.

 

Stick to counseling. You are correct that there is something within you that is driving your affairs.

[smartgirl]

Smartgirl. Thanks again for your balanced and thoughtful reply. If it wasn't for you I think I would have gone off the deep end by now. The similarities with your husband are striking. I had another affair when I was 39 - told my wife (she guessed, I confessed all) - left to be with OW and then returned full of remorse. We had slowly built up the trust again in our M and I went through a period where I never thought about other women. But since hitting the big 50 I plunged into a depression again. It's like a drug and I am looking for my next fix. It's like I need to feel loved, maybe not even loved but desired. I'm afraid of losing my desirability. I have come to the conclusion there is something missing in my personality which drives me to do this.

 

I am going through counselling but not sure it is getting to the root of the problem. I have some issues relating to my childhood and am aware of repressed feelings so this is probably going to take some time.

 

Maybe OW breaking up will now give me time to think but I will need to get rid of this obsession I have about her first. Easier said than done.

 

I wanted to give a more detailed reply but my head is not straight at the moment.

 

Thanks for sharing!

 

The need to feel desirable is powerful and I don't think many people are immune to that need. It is stronger in some of us than others. In my case it goes back to parent issues. In my H's case there are some childhood competition issues, but mostly he never really dated before we met as teens and we have been exclusive ever since. He never knew if other women found him attractive or how "good he might be able to do" woman-wise. (I feel compelled to insert here that I have always been told I am very attractive and have had other men hitting on me throughout the years.)

 

For my H, and I don't think he is alone here, it is hard to get the kind of validation he wanted from me. He knows I love him and that we have this long history. What he got from a relative stranger was the feeling that he was highly "marketable." That a woman with no stake at risk, like house and kids, wanted him enough to walk away from her own marriage. She couldn't get enough of him and he never had to hear anything from her about problems with the kids or work or house, etc. One book describes this as the "affair bubble" and inside that bubble there is an idealized world where the relationship is not tested -- at least at first.

 

Men approach the world as competitors and seeking and winning the desire of a new woman feeds that part of their personality. Most men who begin an affair do so with the intention of taking a side path for awhile and don't intend to leave their marriage. But since sex is so integral to how a man feels and expresses love, it isn't long until he isn't sure what he wants to do. The OW appears to represent everything wonderful and the W begins to represent responsibility and burdens. The W's love begins to seem less valuable because it isn't earned anymore - it is just there. At least for a period of time, it is hard for a wife to compete here because she can't shed the responsibilities she and her H have taken on.

 

My H and I were talking recently and discovered something highly ironic. I had a demanding high salaried job and still worked very hard to make a nice home and raise our great kids. I always believed I was impressing him with all this and I liked that feeling. He didn't realize how much I was doing these things for him and saw all that as things I was doing for myself that just left him feeling neglected. That kind of thing was no match for the excitement and sex being offered to him.

 

At various times in a man's life, he may experience common feelings that leave him ripe for an affair: a desire to be tested, a desire to conquer, a desire to feel young and unburdened. This is one side. The other side wants to be part of something long term, to build a life with the kind of woman he wants having his children, to come home every night and know you are loved. It's just hard to keep these things in balance.

[MrIndependent]

Doesn't the fact that your wife wanted to keep you in her life even after your first affair show you that you are desirable? If she didn't find you desirable, you would have been out the door as soon as she knew of the first affair.

 

I always suspected it was more that she didn't want to bring 2 kids up on her own, lose the house etc. She doesn't ever make me feel attractive - there are reasons for this I can't go into. Sorry.

[MrIndependent]

It's been a week since my OW broke up with me. I have tried to remain objective and calm but she contacted me yesterday with an offer of staying friends but spelled out that friends don't touch, kiss or have sex. I just felt something within me snap and reacted angrily towards her. I told her I didn't want to see her ever again and that I thought she had been using me. I now regret this. Why am I so f***ed up. I can't even show the woman I love the respect she deserves. Yes I have come to the crushing realisation that the love I feel for her is real. I know some of you have posted that this is possiby an illusion but I know what I feel and my heart is breaking.

 

When will this end?

[Owl]

Repost of my question to you from a couple of days ago:

So...are you going to tell your wife the truth about what's gone on in her marriage?

 

What you've done impacts her as much as it impacts you.

 

On top of that, if you're in pain right now, its a very good bet she knows SOMETHING is wrong. Its better to be honest yourself up front, rather than be 'busted' later.

[OldEurope]

Doesn't the fact that your wife wanted to keep you in her life even after your first affair show you that you are desirable? If she didn't find you desirable, you would have been out the door as soon as she knew of the first affair.

 

 

I think he feels that his wife wanted/wants to keep him because of the lifestyle he provides her, and that she herself is completely uninterested in any emotional or sexual closeness with him. There are women who "check out" of the marriage on these levels, but hang around because it is comfortable.

[OldEurope]

It's been a week since my OW broke up with me. I have tried to remain objective and calm but she contacted me yesterday with an offer of staying friends but spelled out that friends don't touch, kiss or have sex. I just felt something within me snap and reacted angrily towards her. I told her I didn't want to see her ever again and that I thought she had been using me. I now regret this. Why am I so f***ed up. I can't even show the woman I love the respect she deserves. Yes I have come to the crushing realisation that the love I feel for her is real. I know some of you have posted that this is possiby an illusion but I know what I feel and my heart is breaking.

 

When will this end?

 

Mr. I,

 

You'll get there. Don't beat yourself up. You are supposed to get angry and go through these emotions. There is no way that something like this is going to happen seamlessly, smoothly. You just have to grab on with both hands and prepare for the "bumpy ride". Emotions are our radar, our warning when plans-reason-logic aren't getting the job done. But they don't have to control you if you just maintain a certain big picture perspective.

 

I can say this: I was a former OW, my exMM now beloved H was somewhat in a situation like yours (his crisis was, too, a sense of duty to a wife he did not love and to his son). I had to go away and stay away several months until he took the action which he had been talking about for quite a long time. When I left, I did not even tell him where I was going. I did not even tell him when my flight was. He had dropped the ball (as I saw it) one too many times with words and actions although all along I had enormous sympathy with his inner conflicts and in a way it made for a stronger bond and foundation to our subsequent marriage because we had our own "thick and thin" to get through and we were resilient.

 

I said the things that your OW is saying. That armour goes up because we/she feel/have felt that any moment a disappointment once and for all will come crashing down on us and it is a defense. Also, somewhere along the way she has said to herself "If I move overseas, I have to cut him out of my life or I will never get out of this". Her "anger" at you is that her "past" is dragging, so to speak, along behind her. You are not divorced although you have talked about it to her. While you answer that "Well, she says she isn't interested in relationships or marriage" I highly doubt that. If you and she truly had "something" it means that she was open to human emotion and human love as well. I just think she is really on the defensive.

 

If you say to her, "Would you marry me if I divorce", she might be thinking, "Absolutely". But if she says that, and you do not do so within a reasonable timeframe, what does she think? "I am a fool and I will never be free of this". She will think you "have" her, no matter where she is.

 

I can almost guarantee you that you have a large place in her heart. If what the two of you had was real, she cannot just turn that off either. She might be suffering as well, only you do not see or hear it. It is not easy to be in her shoes.

 

It is for all these reasons that I still think you very urgently need time alone, as I said earlier.

 

OE

[Owl]

How does he get that time alone without explaining all of this to his wife?

[smartgirl]

Mr. I and others, you cannot make snarky remarks about W potentially staying in the marriage for the package and not for love and not comment on the fact that Mr. I is doing the same thing it seems. He is talking as though he only plans on staying in the marriage if he can't work things out with OW.

 

Question 1: Do you want to be in the marriage or not?

If yes, stop contact with OW and try and make things better.

If no, have the decency to tell your W that and ask for a divorce or at least a separation.

 

Only if you leave your marriage do you move on to question 2: Do OW and I have a chance? What do I have to do to make that work?

 

I can't believe your wife, no matter how much you devalue her motivation for staying married to you, wants or deserves to be kept around just until you can find something "better." If you are so sure you love OW, then have the courage to leave your M and take your chances.

[OldEurope]

Mr. I and others, you cannot make snarky remarks about W potentially staying in the marriage for the package and not for love and not comment on the fact that Mr. I is doing the same thing it seems. He is talking as though he only plans on staying in the marriage if he can't work things out with OW.

 

Question 1: Do you want to be in the marriage or not?

If yes, stop contact with OW and try and make things better.

If no, have the decency to tell your W that and ask for a divorce or at least a separation.

 

Only if you leave your marriage do you move on to question 2: Do OW and I have a chance? What do I have to do to make that work?

 

I can't believe your wife, no matter how much you devalue her motivation for staying married to you, wants or deserves to be kept around just until you can find something "better." If you are so sure you love OW, then have the courage to leave your M and take your chances.

 

"Snarky"?

 

Or honest?

 

He isn't doing the "same thing". He isn't using his wife for the material advantages that come with being married to him (as he sees his wife's motivation for staying). He is not, in his view, getting anything from this marriage at all--from the profound (emotional life and sexual life) or even the superficial (material comfort, convenience). He feels used and empty.

 

He is and has been staying around because of a sense of guilt and duty.

 

Nor is he "devaluing" her, his wife's, motivation for staying. He is calling it as he sees it.

 

OE

[angie2443]

Smartgirl. Thanks again for your balanced and thoughtful reply. If it wasn't for you I think I would have gone off the deep end by now. The similarities with your husband are striking. I had another affair when I was 39 - told my wife (she guessed, I confessed all) - left to be with OW and then returned full of remorse. We had slowly built up the trust again in our M and I went through a period where I never thought about other women. But since hitting the big 50 I plunged into a depression again. It's like a drug and I am looking for my next fix. It's like I need to feel loved, maybe not even loved but desired. I'm afraid of losing my desirability. I have come to the conclusion there is something missing in my personality which drives me to do this.

 

Your wife must be in he!!. Do the kind thing and set her free.

[smartgirl]

"Snarky"?

 

Or honest?

 

He isn't doing the "same thing". He isn't using his wife for the material advantages that come with being married to him (as he sees his wife's motivation for staying). He is not, in his view, getting anything from this marriage at all--from the profound (emotional life and sexual life) or even the superficial (material comfort, convenience). He feels used and empty.

 

He is and has been staying around because of a sense of guilt and duty.

 

Nor is he "devaluing" her, his wife's, motivation for staying. He is calling it as he sees it.

 

OE

 

I must be missing something. I can't recall hearing him level nearly the amount of venom against his wife that you have. You know nothing about this woman, her real feelings or what she has had to endure as the wife of a man that never seems to know what he wants. She may feel she is his partner, taking care of him and their children and may feel sad that he has become withdrawn emotionally during his various expeditions to find himself.

 

A person who is being cheated on is being betrayed, neglected and abused. Period. The WS is pursuing his own interests and telling himself/herself that their actions are justified for this reason or that. They aren't.

 

If there are no feelings left in the marriage, be open about it. Try to fix it. If it doesn't work, agree to separate. I am only advocating fairness and honesty. That shouldn't be up for debate among intelligent, civilized people.

[OldEurope]

I must be missing something. I can't recall hearing him level nearly the amount of venom against his wife that you have. You know nothing about this woman, her real feelings or what she has had to endure as the wife of a man that never seems to know what he wants. She may feel she is his partner, taking care of him and their children and may feel sad that he has become withdrawn emotionally during his various expeditions to find himself.

 

A person who is being cheated on is being betrayed, neglected and abused. Period. The WS is pursuing his own interests and telling himself/herself that their actions are justified for this reason or that. They aren't.

 

If there are no feelings left in the marriage, be open about it. Try to fix it. If it doesn't work, agree to separate. I am only advocating fairness and honesty. That shouldn't be up for debate among intelligent, civilized people.

 

Yes, you are missing something: Go back and read post 70, and then go futher back and read posts 1, 22, 23, 60, and 71

 

And...I absolutely believe that a woman who stays in a marriage with a man who is profoundly in love with another woman is staying for the benefits of marriage, or out of insecurity or spite. A woman with a modicum of self-esteem would leave.

 

OE

[OldEurope]

And, remember too, that you are no longer an individual, but a family of one. Husband, wife, and children. If you are suffering, then inevitably they will suffer with you. Your mind is your battle, not your wife. You should remove the narrow vision that you see with, and realize that in this world, we live together, not alone.

 

And to OE, do you really find it necessary to pick out grammer errors and complain that peoples opinions here are not well suited? I think you may be dealing with some of your own problems to assume that you are above everyone else.

 

1. Umm, my narrow vision has zeroed in on the fact that this poor poster, the original poster Mr. Independent, has been feeling alone in his marriage for a verrrry long time. A good two decades in fact. My posts are in response to what he says, of course. But given the anonymity here I am assuming he is being as open/honest as possible.

 

2. Yes, I do. I get the same back, no big deal.

 

3. Sure, while answering some of these posts I was dealing with the problem of a leaky roof here in Tuscany, a missing pregnant cat, and a cell phone that won't call out from certain rooms in this house. Most annoying. But not quite as annoying as one of the posters, Matty, who was quoted here about his having had an affair, wrote about it, and then struck a very pompous attitude about lessons learned and the necessity of cold-heartedly dumping the very OW he ran to when his life and marriage went south. A little modesty and less preaching from these folks who suddenly discover God, Truth, Home and Hearth after their steamy affairs might be in order.

 

OE

[Owl]

I'm STILL curious about Mr I's wife's response to all of this, and his plan for managing the end of or the reconciliation of his marriage. When is he going to tell his wife that he's in love with someone else and its over???

[Lookingforward]

1. Umm, my narrow vision has zeroed in on the fact that this poor poster, the original poster Mr. Independent, has been feeling alone in his marriage for a verrrry long time. A good two decades in fact. My posts are in response to what he says, of course. But given the anonymity here I am assuming he is being as open/honest as possible.

 

2. Yes, I do. I get the same back, no big deal.

 

3. Sure, while answering some of these posts I was dealing with the problem of a leaky roof here in Tuscany, a missing pregnant cat, and a cell phone that won't call out from certain rooms in this house. Most annoying. But not quite as annoying as one of the posters, Matty, who was quoted here about his having had an affair, wrote about it, and then struck a very pompous attitude about lessons learned and the necessity of cold-heartedly dumping the very OW he ran to when his life and marriage went south. A little modesty and less preaching from these folks who suddenly discover God, Truth, Home and Hearth after their steamy affairs might be in order.

 

OE

 

Hear, hear , nothing more pious than a 'reformed cheater'