BrooklynBridge Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Hi. I'm a 27 year-old male living in New York City. Been here my whole life. I go out a lot and meet lots of women all the time. Over the past 2 years I would say, I would start dating someone and after about 4-6 weeks, each one has professed love to me, and became very attached to me. I liked most of them, but never fell in love with any of them. The longest any of the relationships lasted were 7 months. I think I'm a good guy. I'm good looking, very honest and very funny and smart. For some reason they all get really into to me, to the point where it's a big turn off to me. I can't seem to feel the same way and just want someone I'm dating to be interested in me, but not completely obsessed and say I love you's and how in love they are with me and can't live without me and so forth. I know I'm not that excellent of a person, yet this consistently happens to me! The past 5 women I've "dated" - all of them! Any ideas or insights?? Link to post Share on other sites
Leia Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Ok. Don't take this the wrong way, just something that crossed my mind ~ have you tried dating guys? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrooklynBridge Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 Ok. Don't take this the wrong way, just something that crossed my mind ~ have you tried dating guys? Ummm. No. And, I have no intention of doing so. Just want to date someone who doesn't fall madly in love with me after 2 months, something that seems elude me. I love women and want to be in a relationship with one, but to have someone be head over heels into me after a short period of time is flattering, but ultimately, a major turn off, especially when I don't feel the same...... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Obviously this has something to do with the type of woman you are selecting, since you are the common denominator amongst the 5 women you recently dated. Do they share similar qualities? Did you meet them all in similar places? Try to think of commonalities. Personally I think that people who claim to be "in love" with someone after less than a month are a bit crazy, but that's just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 If you keep applying a full court press, while covertly allowing them to believe that there is a future, you might be surprised how many women will fall for it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 OP, change how you meet the women. I'll bet you're a creature of habit and likely meet them in similar ways and at similar places and likely have a consistent flirtation style which is attractive to a certain kind of woman. The common denominator is you. Change your aura and it will affect the type of woman who is attracted to it. Or, maybe, I'm just jealous Link to post Share on other sites
Leia Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Ok. Good to know. Obviously this has something to do with the type of woman you are selecting, since you are the common denominator amongst the 5 women you recently dated. Do they share similar qualities? Did you meet them all in similar places? Try to think of commonalities. Personally I think that people who claim to be "in love" with someone after less than a month are a bit crazy, but that's just my opinion. I agree with B_O. I think it's about time you break the pattern ~ are all the women you meet from the same place? Did they all have bad relationships prior to meeting you? I do think women who fall in love too quickly has a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
ARDriver01 Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 If you keep applying a full court press, while covertly allowing them to believe that there is a future, you might be surprised how many women will fall for it. I think that's my problem. Is that you're own quote? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I think that's my problem. Is that you're own quote? Time to slow it down on your part and take it easy. Don't be in such a hurry for a relationship. You must admit that some of your ladies have been a little over-the-top. No, it's a quote from "The Shawshank Redemption". Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrooklynBridge Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 Thanks for the replies. I am the common denominator. However, I've been meeting these women under totally different circumstances; getting setup through a friend, meet at business functions, even online! I do also think that I may be giving them some sort of covert message that there is something there that really isn't. But I am seriously convinced that the way I handle and present myself has something to do with it. I don't lead anybody on, I just try to make the girl happy and respond to her personality. And on that note, I think that's my problem. I feel like I can really identify with what they're looking for in a guy and then I become this idealized person - someone they've always wanted. But even in that process, I am still very genuine and just being me! So I don't know...... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Sincerity + good guy + good looking = irresistible Try this; purposely slow down your "I just try to make the girl happy and respond to her personality" part. I know, it's hard, but try. Set up a few intimacy boundaries and timelines and stick to them. Let familiarity and intimacy build more slowly. Timing, IMO, is very important in a relationship, both the "when" when two people meet and the "how" during the development of a friendship/relationship. If one gets too far ahead of the other (sounds like the women in your case), then frustration and confusion often result, sometimes toxifying the R. I might not envy your dilemma, but I surely admire your position Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I'm in the exact same situation. I be walking down the streets getting weird stares from women and I'm like is my fly open. lol. I'm surprised but happy, women are paying me attention. The best thing I could say is that these women your dating see you as along term prospect which is good. They're not wasting theyre time being around the bush by playing games. Be happy they are being up front with what they want. Enjoy dating. And dont sweat the circumstances too much at least your not ugly. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Do you have a strong sense of who you are and what you want? Think seriously about this. Chameleon behaviour can make you lose sight of it. Also, if you look to your relationship history, are you addicted to the chase or have commitment issues? If you have commitment issues, making a woman happy by covertly leading her on, will cause A LOT of unnecessary drama. Link to post Share on other sites
The Collector Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 If you're a great catch, the more you try to keep someone at arms length, the more they might fall in deeper. If you're fun and sexy, there's not much you can do to stop women 'falling in love' with you. Don't blame yourself, and don't stop being yourself. A crying woman is hard to ignore, but if she 'loves' you and you don't feel the same, that's not love, and those tears are born of frustration about not getting what they want. That's what I used to tell myself anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrooklynBridge Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 Sincerity + good guy + good looking = irresistible I might not envy your dilemma, but I surely admire your position So if I understand you correctly, I need to modify my approach: Deceit & lies + mean guy + unkempt appearance = apprehension from these girls to me???? Now I get it....... As nice as this position could be for me at times, it can very uncomfortable when someone professes their love to you, and you can't reciprocate.... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I think you need to figure out what type of woman you are looking for. They are getting attached due to you tending to what THEY want, but what about WHAT YOU WANT? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrooklynBridge Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 Do you have a strong sense of who you are and what you want? Think seriously about this. Chameleon behaviour can make you lose sight of it. Also, if you look to your relationship history, are you addicted to the chase or have commitment issues? If you have commitment issues, making a woman happy by covertly leading her on, will cause A LOT of unnecessary drama. Interesting points. I don't try to make anyone happy by leading them on, I just try them happy in whatever I see they'll respond best to. Nothing premeditated, just try and make them happy.... I'm not addicted to the chase at all, and believe me, I truly desire to be in an awesome relationship with an awesome girl. And in recent memory, they've become too attached and it really puts the kibosh on it for me. I'm totally open, and maybe too damn honest with them. But I can do no wrong. No matter what I do, they've been really into me. I'm not trying to fluff my ego here or claim to be a Machiavelli of sorts, but it's really started to get frustrating!! And by the way, everyone's ideas and responses are great! Thanks so much.. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 So if I understand you correctly, I need to modify my approach: Deceit & lies + mean guy + unkempt appearance = apprehension from these girls to me???? Now I get it....... As nice as this position could be for me at times, it can very uncomfortable when someone professes their love to you, and you can't reciprocate.... OP, yes, become the bad boy you've always wanted to be Seriously, never change who you are to be in a relationship. If what you are presenting is the authentic you (you can tell because it's how you treat all people of consequence to you), then what you merely need to do is alter a few time-specific behaviors. Women generally are expert at this but apparently you're just overwhelming them with your charm , or, as mentioned, you're attracting a specific type of women whom isn't healthy for you. Since you have ample opportunity, my best advice is to just try some different things and see what happens. One option would be to stretch out of your comfort zone, perhaps socializing in an entirely different socio-economic strata, where you'd feel just a bit uncomfortable, but not too much. Women you might meet that way, even if not truly so, might seem a bit "out of your league" and you wouldn't have as much of that calm, casual aura which the current ladies are so hot for. As I said, just a suggestion.... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I can't seem to feel the same way and just want someone I'm dating to be interested in me, but not completely obsessed and say I love you's and how in love they are with me and can't live without me and so forth. Here's how to avoid the drama. At the onset of the dating, mention the above to them and ensure they understand that you're looking for an independent woman. I will suggest that you might fear intimacy, to a degree. Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 BB, it sounds like you're setting yourself up to fall for a girl who will play hard to get! Link to post Share on other sites
electric_sheep Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Do you make a lot of money, or have a prestigious job/career? That might be it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrooklynBridge Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 Do you make a lot of money, or have a prestigious job/career? That might be it. I'm not going to lie, (why would anyone lie on the interwebs? lol), I do make nice money, and I am well known in certain circles in this city, but still, I stay the hell away from that scene, it's not for me. (I would find women to hate me really fast in those places!!) I really don't give off the impression that I do well, or anything like that. I'm very down to earth. Maybe I should stop wearing nice suits on my dates....... Link to post Share on other sites
Jellyhead Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Thanks for the replies. I don't lead anybody on, I just try to make the girl happy and respond to her personality. And on that note, I think that's my problem. I feel like I can really identify with what they're looking for in a guy and then I become this idealized person - someone they've always wanted. But even in that process, I am still very genuine and just being me! So I don't know...... I'm the same way. Whenever I start dating a woman, I pull out all the stops and sweep her off her feet. Then I find myself in the horrible position of having her fall hard for me, when I don't exactly feel the same way back. Urg. In many ways, this behavior is disingenuous and unfair, as you are (consciously or otherwise) behaving a manner that you *know* is likely to make the woman fall in love with you. There are no easy answers; you are the way you are, and I'm not about to suggest you behave like a jerk to deliberately put women off. But slowing things down and holding back a bit is not a bad idea. Carhill has the right idea on that. Of course, you could always do what I did - find a girl who you are absolutely crazy about, so that you'll actually be happy when she falls for you. Easier said than done, though. Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernT Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Interesting points. I don't try to make anyone happy by leading them on, I just try them happy in whatever I see they'll respond best to. Nothing premeditated, just try and make them happy....quote] BrooklynBridge, I don't think you are necessarily dealing with the wrong women. BUT, mabye it would be a good idea to set better boundaries with women. Because by now, you KNOW exactly what to do to make them feel good and to get the response that you want. If you don't feel the same way about a girl, then it might be a good idea to monitor the things that you say and do that foster those feelings in a girl. If you don't want her to fall for you, then be careful of what you say and do until YOU are sure that you are falling for her aswell. And I HAVE to ask this: Are you doing these things because you know that if you do them, the girl is more than likely going to let her guard down? She lets her guard down and you get what you want right? And don't get me wrong. I'm not accusing you of anything. I just want to pinpoint whether you are doing this and not realizing it or if you do it on purpose and it makes you feel good by having the attention. It's just that sometimes, it seeams like some guys do this on purpose and sometimes they're not even aware of what they are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernT Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I'm the same way. Whenever I start dating a woman, I pull out all the stops and sweep her off her feet. Then I find myself in the horrible position of having her fall hard for me, when I don't exactly feel the same way back. Urg. In many ways, this behavior is disingenuous and unfair, as you are (consciously or otherwise) behaving a manner that you *know* is likely to make the woman fall in love with you. There are no easy answers; you are the way you are, and I'm not about to suggest you behave like a jerk to deliberately put women off. But slowing things down and holding back a bit is not a bad idea. Carhill has the right idea on that. Of course, you could always do what I did - find a girl who you are absolutely crazy about, so that you'll actually be happy when she falls for you. Easier said than done, though. Slowing down and saving some of those things for later does not equal being a jerk. It just helps set the emotional pace that you are looking for.... Link to post Share on other sites
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