Another little reminder, folks...

[CaliGuy]

Burn me once, shame on you.

Burn me twice, shame on me.

 

I've learned this little gem many times over and I have started to put it into practice. Most recently with this woman I have been seeing. She is wishy washy based on my age (at first it wasn't a problem for her, now all the sudden, due to her friends influence on her, it is).

 

The first time I let it slide, things we cool and back to normal and now, hanging out with her friends again, she's headed that direction one more time so I am heading it off at the pass.

 

The way I am starting to look at dating is, if you don't see the value in me, I am not wasting a minute of my time on you anymore. I just do not have the patience for people who either do not know what they want or are just too insecure to take a chance in life.

 

The main point of this story that I want you to pick up is that you also should not allow people to take you for granted. If they don't appreciate you, walk away. You will most certainly find someone who else see value in you. Never, ever settle for second best or BEING second best.

 

I know this to be true for myself, you should believe in yourselves as well.

 

Cheers and have a good night

[kizik]

You sure know how to string a motivational sentence together. I like your style.

 

My only contrary thought is that, I don't want to become someone who feels "too good" for others when in reality, I'm JUST as good as them.

 

I don't wanna walk out on others simply because they had a fleeting moment of confusion or indecision.

 

Do you know what I mean?

[wowIlose]

Of course there is a fine line as mentioned.. I think before packing up and leaving you need to verbally let your partner know how things are going to work.

 

I would talk to her and say.. "Listen, this is how things work with me.." if she respects you and likes you she will work with you as long as its reasonable and sane. If she goes against you then I would follow your advice Caliguy, otherwise it would feel as if I have not made myself clear.

[CaliGuy]

You sure know how to string a motivational sentence together. I like your style.

 

My only contrary thought is that, I don't want to become someone who feels "too good" for others when in reality, I'm JUST as good as them.

 

I don't wanna walk out on others simply because they had a fleeting moment of confusion or indecision.

 

Do you know what I mean?

 

I know what you mean. In her case, this isn't a "fleeting moment." It's a pattern of behavior that I just don't have the patience to deal with anymore. I've learned from past relationships that when people are wishy-washy or flaky, that's one of the red flags you need to read and heed.

 

I honestly believe if people really want to be with you, they'll make an effort to do so. Anything less falls into the wishy-washy category and as I said, I don't have time for that.

[ButtHead]

Can you elaborate on wishy washy with, perhaps, an example? This is getting pretty motivational. I keep seeing new angles at looking at things and this seems like a good way to do it.

[CaliGuy]

Can you elaborate on wishy washy with, perhaps, an example? This is getting pretty motivational. I keep seeing new angles at looking at things and this seems like a good way to do it.

 

Wishy Washy to me means:

 

A. Not wanting to hang out very often.

B. Not introducing you to friends or family.

C. Little communication during the week.

D. Doesn't include you in much, if any, of their activies.

 

I mean, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out if someone is into you or not. You simply need only to pay attention to what they do NOT what they say. Nine times out of ten what they say contradicts what they do. But they say what they think you want to hear so they keep you around -- in case they even decide they want a midnight stroll in the hay or something.

[v33]

Wishy Washy to me means:

 

A. Not wanting to hang out very often.

B. Not introducing you to friends or family.

C. Little communication during the week.

D. Doesn't include you in much, if any, of their activies.

 

I mean, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out if someone is into you or not. You simply need only to pay attention to what they do NOT what they say. Nine times out of ten what they say contradicts what they do. But they say what they think you want to hear so they keep you around -- in case they even decide they want a midnight stroll in the hay or something.

 

Yes! It doesn't matter if it's a recent ex or a current partner, don't pay so much attention to the words.... it's their ACTIONS that will show you how they really feel about you.

[sid33]

I was in the same situation CG. I think another reason they keep someone around is purely for their own self esteem. While we are trying to understand the mixed messages and hot and cold behavior, they are thriving on the control. It's a serious red flag when a potential gf has friends that are miserable in their own lives and want company. Most often the people we think are least likely to play games turn out to be the biggest gamers out there. Good to hear you were able to head it off at the pass. The only way I have found to stop someone from playing mind games on you is to walk away. I think I'm going to get that book you've suggested on alot of these threads.

[2sunny]

midnight stroll in the hay?

 

wow- anything in reference to midnight hay shouldn't include the word stroll...

 

i remember those days as romping! :bunny:

[CaliGuy]

I was in the same situation CG. I think another reason they keep someone around is purely for their own self esteem. While we are trying to understand the mixed messages and hot and cold behavior, they are thriving on the control. It's a serious red flag when a potential gf has friends that are miserable in their own lives and want company. Most often the people we think are least likely to play games turn out to be the biggest gamers out there. Good to hear you were able to head it off at the pass. The only way I have found to stop someone from playing mind games on you is to walk away. I think I'm going to get that book you've suggested on alot of these threads.

 

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Glover. It'll change your perspective on women as a whole but more importantly, how you view yourself.

 

I say this quite often. "If you don't think you are worthy, neither will she." It's true. And it works the same way (for you and for her). This last "girl" I was seeing just lacked any confidence or self-esteem. It was extremely unattractive. The thing that bothered me most is she's very attractive (on the outside) and has guys hitting on her all the time. She professed she had a crush on me and literally stalked me all the time. The minute I show any interest, she high-tails it and runs away. I just don't get that. Again, all talk but no substance to back it up. It's annoying to say the least.

 

The funny thing is I always seem to end up with the physically beautiful women who are absolutely butt-ugly on the inside. At least my radar is working to some degree and I am now much quicker on the trigger to move on and not let myself get emotionally invested in someone who, for all intents and purposes, is complete poison for me.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

midnight stroll in the hay?

 

wow- anything in reference to midnight hay shouldn't include the word stroll...

 

i remember those days as romping! :bunny:

 

I guess you could call it that, lol. I was trying to use a more sophisticated description

[CaliGuy]

Yes! It doesn't matter if it's a recent ex or a current partner, don't pay so much attention to the words.... it's their ACTIONS that will show you how they really feel about you.

 

Yep. Words don't mean JACK CRAP. It's what they DO that tells you how they really feel.

[2sunny]

I guess you could call it that, lol. I was trying to use a more sophisticated description

 

i like to call it what it actually is... twister works at times...

[kizik]

I think another reason they keep someone around is purely for their own self esteem. While we are trying to understand the mixed messages and hot and cold behavior, they are thriving on the control. Most often the people we think are least likely to play games turn out to be the biggest gamers out there.

 

Thank you for perfectly describing my ex girlfriend. She's used to having people there for her, so much so that she took it for granted. I wish I had dumped her f*cking as* and sent her a message. But I'm sending that message now by not contacting her.

 

And yeah, I never would have thought she'd play games. With her, it's all subconscious. She has a good heart, but is controlling and cruel without understanding why.

[sid33]

Yeah your right K, sticking to n/c does send a message, it says your fine without her. I got swept into the mind games myself, I couldn't even believe it. Turns out her self esteem is only matched by her selfishness. Definitely better of without these types. The only contact I'd make would, like yours, not have any positive results. from now on I am going to pay much more attention to how pontential date feels about herself, before I even begin to wonder how she feels about me. One experience with an emotional retard was one too many. Just like CG the moment I showed interest she runs. I hate mind games, n/c......of course she texts. I didn't take the bait!

[0hpenelope]

You simply need only to pay attention to what they do NOT what they say. Nine times out of ten what they say contradicts what they do. But they say what they think you want to hear so they keep you around -- in case they even decide they want a midnight stroll in the hay or something.

 

Brother, Lawrence's actions were what hurt me in the long run. When I realized it, I was in pretty deep but I knew I needed to book it. So... I got help. His actions were not matching his "I just like you as a friend now" statements.

 

It would help if I explained my situation more, but as it is I don't want to re-visit the past in-depth. I just wanted to throw my experience out there.

 

Recovery is a hard and tough road. But it doesn't have to be lonely.

 

As always, I appreciate the candidness that you express things. Thank you very much for staying on LS and keeping our recovering spirits buoyed.

[kizik]

sticking to n/c does send a message, it says your fine without her.

 

Thanks for stating so clearly what I couldn't, sid.

[CaliGuy]

Brother, Lawrence's actions were what hurt me in the long run. When I realized it, I was in pretty deep but I knew I needed to book it. So... I got help. His actions were not matching his "I just like you as a friend now" statements.

 

It would help if I explained my situation more, but as it is I don't want to re-visit the past in-depth. I just wanted to throw my experience out there.

 

Recovery is a hard and tough road. But it doesn't have to be lonely.

 

As always, I appreciate the candidness that you express things. Thank you very much for staying on LS and keeping our recovering spirits buoyed.

 

Sometimes it's the reverse. Their actions are telling you positive things but their words are not. To me that's even more confusing....

 

You're welcome O. Lotsa good people on LS, that's for sure.

[0hpenelope]

Sometimes it's the reverse. Their actions are telling you positive things but their words are not. To me that's even more confusing....

 

You're welcome O. Lotsa good people on LS, that's for sure.

 

No kidding! No kidding... That really, really messed me up.

 

And he wondered why I don't want to be his friend at all.

 

He said "You just need to let go and move on." Well, I did. I let him go literally and I'm moving on. His problem was, he didn't realize that I could picture a future without him in it in any way or form and he was mad!

 

Yeah. It was a very confusing time. When actions supposedly speak louder than words... When words are meaningless in the face of how the person who uttered those words acts...

 

Ugly feeling. As many of the good LS members are feeling, it was also a lonely, isolating time. There was no amount of analysis that could crack my situation and even when I asked him, he would say one thing and yet act differently! Which, at least to me, meant that he didn't know what he wanted. Lesson learned: I can't get a straight answer from people who don't know what they want!

 

Glad that I'm only re-visiting those moments now from time to time (memories are hard to shake off, even the painful ones, yes? ) and I'm not in it.

 

Venting done. Many thanks again.

[Exl]

Wishy Washy to me means:

 

A. Not wanting to hang out very often.

B. Not introducing you to friends or family.

C. Little communication during the week.

D. Doesn't include you in much, if any, of their activies.

 

I mean, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out if someone is into you or not. You simply need only to pay attention to what they do NOT what they say. Nine times out of ten what they say contradicts what they do. But they say what they think you want to hear so they keep you around -- in case they even decide they want a midnight stroll in the hay or something.

 

That is SO true. Read their actions, not their words. Best lesson anyone can ever learn.

 

As for wishy washy I can see my ex (during the last months) on that description, except for C. i just learned a new English expression

[CaliGuy]

That is SO true. Read their actions, not their words. Best lesson anyone can ever learn.

 

As for wishy washy I can see my ex (during the last months) on that description, except for C. i just learned a new English expression

 

Heh. It's more like slang, but yeah, wishy-washy is simply not following their words with actions.

 

I suggest if you're in a relationship with a woman or man like that, cut them off.

 

They don't deserve a second of your time.

[justaman99]

Yep. Words don't mean JACK CRAP. It's what they DO that tells you how they really feel.

 

My ex sure didn't think this way.

[LikeCharlotte]

Sometimes it's the reverse. Their actions are telling you positive things but their words are not. To me that's even more confusing....

 

You're welcome O. Lotsa good people on LS, that's for sure.

It took me a really long time to see through that. He would tell me how he'd lost faith in our relationship and things of that sort but he would spend time with me and be smiling like a cheshire cat and very happy. There is no doubt in my mind that this guy really loved me. Then he would deny that he was happy most of the time tell me that he "wasn't so sure anymore" and withdraw again. Rinse - repeat.

 

I think I finally came to the conclusion that he was keeping himself available for someone else (that he wasn't quite over, maybe) or he was scared to death of the consequences of choosing to be with me. Maybe the work on himself required, maybe the reflection, maybe seeing himself with someone as strange as me, whatever it was he never came to terms with it and it no longer mattered because for all the dissonance he was incapable of being able to let go and face it.

 

I know I am not a dense woman but it was really hard (and still is at times) to understand that someone who clearly loves you and wants to be with you cannot actually do that. I cant imagine how painful it must be up in that mans head. I had to stop seeing the words and the actions and step back and look at the whole picture. I'm glad that I did.

 

In the end it was just as cali said... even though he decided to end it (at my prompting) I honestly do not have the time or energy to waste on someone who is wishy -washy and isn't 100% with me. I can and will do better than that. Lesson learned and re-learned.

[thisishowitis]

Burn me once, shame on you.

Burn me twice, shame on me.

 

I've learned this little gem many times over and I have started to put it into practice. Most recently with this woman I have been seeing. She is wishy washy based on my age (at first it wasn't a problem for her, now all the sudden, due to her friends influence on her, it is).

 

The first time I let it slide, things we cool and back to normal and now, hanging out with her friends again, she's headed that direction one more time so I am heading it off at the pass.

 

The way I am starting to look at dating is, if you don't see the value in me, I am not wasting a minute of my time on you anymore. I just do not have the patience for people who either do not know what they want or are just too insecure to take a chance in life.

 

The main point of this story that I want you to pick up is that you also should not allow people to take you for granted. If they don't appreciate you, walk away. You will most certainly find someone who else see value in you. Never, ever settle for second best or BEING second best.

 

I know this to be true for myself, you should believe in yourselves as well.

 

Cheers and have a good night

 

Well it seems like she doesn't like you. And it looks like you like her. (or at least used to)

 

She never cared about your age, she never cared about what her friends thought, she cares about being happy. She is wishy washy because she wants a man who makes her feel happy and complete. She gives you these smoke-screens because she is testing you to see if you were a man that can make her happy. And obviously you weren't up to the job.

 

But all hope is not lost.

 

Instead of letting this woman play games with your mind, you can take control of your life and become a man that no single woman can resist. You do this by improving yourself. Workout, meet new people, find new hobbies, do what you love. Recognize the truth about people, that they are all just like yourself; searching for happiness and peace. There is no reason to hate or judge. As you improve yourself, you will become more happy. When other people see this happiness they will be so drawn to you that they can't resist being around you.

 

Recognize what you find attractive in other people, and become this yourself.

[Lucky555]

caliguy, I like your thinking! I have believed this for a long time. "No patience for people who either do not know what they want or are just too insecure to take a chance in life."

 

Finally, I see that other people think the same thing. I thought for the longest time that I was too strict with people! Its really true though, I just don't understand how people "DON'T know what they want!" Drives me crazy in relationships because then i think "i just wasted sooo much time with this person or what the heck is wrong with them!"

 

So thanks for the motivational post! I am glad to know i am not the only one who thinks this way and it reaffirms my beliefs!