Another little reminder, folks...

[CaliGuy]

Well it seems like she doesn't like you. And it looks like you like her. (or at least used to)

 

Hmmm, well she would tell me how great I looked, compliment me all the time, tell me how she is nervous or couldn't breathe around me and say she had a crush on me. I'd say she likes me a lot.

 

She never cared about your age,

 

Yes, she does.

 

she never cared about what her friends thought,

 

Yes, she does.

 

she cares about being happy. She is wishy washy because she wants a man who makes her feel happy and complete. She gives you these smoke-screens because she is testing you to see if you were a man that can make her happy. And obviously you weren't up to the job.

 

And you're basing this on what? A few comments? No offense but you're not sitting in the driver's seat here. You don't have the complete story.

 

But all hope is not lost.

 

Instead of letting this woman play games with your mind, you can take control of your life and become a man that no single woman can resist. You do this by improving yourself. Workout, meet new people, find new hobbies, do what you love. Recognize the truth about people, that they are all just like yourself; searching for happiness and peace. There is no reason to hate or judge. As you improve yourself, you will become more happy. When other people see this happiness they will be so drawn to you that they can't resist being around you.

 

Recognize what you find attractive in other people, and become this yourself.

 

You're preaching to the choir my friend. This, I already well know.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

caliguy, I like your thinking! I have believed this for a long time. "No patience for people who either do not know what they want or are just too insecure to take a chance in life."

 

Finally, I see that other people think the same thing. I thought for the longest time that I was too strict with people! Its really true though, I just don't understand how people "DON'T know what they want!" Drives me crazy in relationships because then i think "i just wasted sooo much time with this person or what the heck is wrong with them!"

 

So thanks for the motivational post! I am glad to know i am not the only one who thinks this way and it reaffirms my beliefs!

 

People know what they want I think. The problem is I think they know they don't want to be with you long term and use you to fill in the void of loneliness until the find the person they do want to spend their life with. That's just fine, however I will not play that game.

 

I'm at the point in my life where I am extremely happy and secure in who I am. I don't need anyone in my life. I just don't get how people can be so hot and cold. I would rather they be either hot or cold but not both.

 

That's just flat out annoying.

[sid3]

Umm, NOTHOWITIS seeing as your a new member replying to a thread and OP who you clearly know nothing about. Stick around and you will see that CG provides some really good advice and insight. While it's obvious your an all knowing relationship expert, your premise that she didn't like him is flawed, reason: ignorance.

 

But that's ok all hope is not lost.

 

From the little I have read though, my situation is very similar to his.Certainly not in specifices, but as far as ages, behaviors, and flakiness. But in my own case, I also know she liked me alot,yet she had a closet full of her own issues. First, there was a lack of maturity, which is to be expected when dating someone much,much younger with very little dating experience. Add the fact that when a person has only known abusive relationships, when someone treats them well they often panic. It is also true that often times you will meet someone who only has negativity around them. When you get invovled with someone and their family and friends thrive on drama, stress and bitterness, that person is likely to become intwined in an emotional tug of war. Rather than assume you actually know what you are talkng about, take a different approach when reading these threads by keeping an open mind. You may learn that although a person may really like you and what you have to offer, for many many reason they could still be emotionally unavailble. This can be an excellent source of advice, insights and opinions, but before you'll benefit from any of it you'll just have to realize, that just isn't how it really is. BEEIOTCH:eek:

[CaliGuy]

Well put, Sid3. I'm not overly concerned with opinions of those who don't know my situation but rather I want to pass along some of the red flags that I knew where there and though I did not ignore them, I did not put the kind of emphasis on them I normally would have.

 

Either way I am not heartbroken or upset, which is why learning and growing from each relationship is so important. I didn't invest myself nearly as much into this relationship as I did the last (due to what I learned) and that is what saved me

 

Cheers.

[justaman99]

which is why learning and growing from each relationship is so important.

 

Amen brother.

 

I'll also add that if you can get to a place where you aren't resentful or angry for a break-up regardless of the reason, cheating, growing apart or what have you, you will be in an even better place than before. Learn to forgive if you can.

[CaliGuy]

Amen brother.

 

I'll also add that if you can get to a place where you aren't resentful or angry for a break-up regardless of the reason, cheating, growing apart or what have you, you will be in an even better place than before. Learn to forgive if you can.

 

I agree. Forgive if you can, but forgetting is a tad harder and to some degree, I don't think you should forget. Because if you forget, you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes...

[lino]

I think another reason they keep someone around is purely for their own self esteem. While we are trying to understand the mixed messages and hot and cold behavior, they are thriving on the control.

 

I'd say 90% of the girls I've been involved with turned out to be like this!

[justaman99]

I think another reason they keep someone around is purely for their own self esteem. While we are trying to understand the mixed messages and hot and cold behavior, they are thriving on the control.

 

I agree 100%

[HopePhil]

I think another reason they keep someone around is purely for their own self esteem. While we are trying to understand the mixed messages and hot and cold behavior, they are thriving on the control.

 

This is what I am worried might be happening, but the only thing that 'reassures' me that it is not is my son. I do not think she would toy with me, for me to find out later and her ruin our relationship for him.

 

I know it is important to her for us to have a friendly relationship.

[Stockalone]

Wishy Washy to me means:

 

A. Not wanting to hang out very often.

B. Not introducing you to friends or family.

C. Little communication during the week.

D. Doesn't include you in much, if any, of their activies.

 

I understand that C and D is something that you don't like but I would argue it is more of a personal preference and not necessarily a red flag per se.

 

I did C and D, but it wasn't an indicator of my level of interest in the women I dated.

[CaliGuy]

I understand that C and D is something that you don't like but I would argue it is more of a personal preference and not necessarily a red flag per se.

 

I did C and D, but it wasn't an indicator of my level of interest in the women I dated.

 

I would say a combination of them. If they are doing all of them, I'd say it's a big red flag. If they are doing some but not others, it could still be a red flag or it just might be they are slow to warm their friends up to their newfound love interest.

 

Either way, I have found through personal experience if someone you are dating doesn't do A-D, there's a problem. I know if I won't introduce someone to my friends or family nor do I want to spend time with them (when I have plenty of it) I'm just not 'feeling' them.

[orangehose]

Just another female perspective here - Cali's A and C are understandably alarming, but I would caution against reading too much into B or D, IF it is early in the game (like under 6 months). Heck, in the first 2-3 months, even A and C are pretty acceptable. I'm just saying this because I'm a girl who tends to let the guy do more of the calling / asking to hang out for the first couple of months, for the reassurance of knowing the guy is interested, and I would hate for a guy to get annoyed or assume I'm not that interested before discussing it with me openly first.

[Stockalone]

Either way, I have found through personal experience if someone you are dating doesn't do A-D, there's a problem. I know if I won't introduce someone to my friends or family nor do I want to spend time with them (when I have plenty of it) I'm just not 'feeling' them.

 

I understand. We all, based on personal experience, consider certain things to be a red flag or not.

 

The only thing that bothers me on your list is A. B actually doesn't bother me. In fact, being introduced to friends or family early on, always feels like a test to me, like I have to get their approval. I usually prefer one-on-one situations when dating and hardly involve a gf in group situations with my friends.

 

Which leads right to D. I tend to seperate activities with my gf and those with my friends. But so do my friends. There are things that we guys do without the gf's and there are things we do with our gf's and without the other guys. Group activities are rare.

 

So that makes me guilty of B,C, and D and I certainly don't mind if a women does the same.

 

But if those are things that bother you and caused problems in past relationships, it's the right thing to red flag such behaviour. We just aren't compatible with everyone.

[WiseOne1]

CaliGuy your a wiseman, i wish i would have listened or watched out for a Red Flag.

[daphne]

I had the opposite of A-D and still was on the receiving end of wishy washy behavior. I think there are a lot of people who don't know what they want. And that makes it tough for them to identify something good for them when they come across it.

 

I do agree that you can't allow yourself to be taken for granted by a flake. There are other people who will recognize your value, as long as you do.

 

Ultimately, I'm happy to let a flake go and discover the greener grass. It means it was the right thing for me as well.

[Template]

I think this is one of the best posts that I've ever had the pleasure of reading. Everyone here is spot on. For me, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do was/is realizing my own self worth, especially after a breakup. I've had a lot of relationships with flaky women, and it really affected me negatively, when in reality, it wasn't me that lacked, but the women. As long as I believe in my own value, and what I bring, I have faith that everything is going to work out for me, and the reality is I have to tend to my needs before I can tend to others.