Where is the line?

[verytired]

I have posted on here before when things got pretty bad, but then things seemed to pick up and I thought we were getting past our difficult spell.

 

Two weeks ago she started to turn odd again. Not speaking, being distant, seperate. Hiding behind her iPod. I treid to talk, but she just shuts down and cannot communicate.

 

She said she needed a night out away from the routine. A change of scene. She said "it's like a holiday, a break from real life"

 

So, Friday night she went out drinking with her work friends. Came home drunk at 2 in the morning (i'd been at home looking after the kids) I swear she had tears in her eyes. We went to bed and she started kissing me (she never usually instigates) but then she turned away.

 

Today I found a photo of her on Facebook (on her friends page) in some guys arms pouring beer down his throat and laughing her head off.

 

I don't know what to think. I think this is inappropriate behaviour. She's not just flirting, she's cradled in his arms. I know she will say "i was drunk, it was just a bit of fun and nothing happened" but I hate it.

 

Right now I feel like telling her to leave as soon as she gets home, but of course life is more complicated than that isn't it (2 kids, 15 years of marriage) Plus, I KNOW she will claim she's done nothing wrong, but given the fact she hasn't told me she loves me in months and has openly told me she's unhappy I don't know what to think or do.

 

Please don't just tell me to kick her ass to the curb. Real life's not like that. Or is it? Am I missing the point?

 

So what do you think? Is this harmless flirting or is it unacceptable behaviour?

[whichwayisup]

You CAN ask her to leave, you CAN ask her to get counselling to figure things out and you CAN talk to her about how you feel and why.

 

Sounds like she is having too much fun and is reverting back to teenaged years, like life as a mother, as a wife is TOO hard for her to deal with so she's running away and making stupid choices.

 

I'm not telling you to kick her ass the curb, especially since you have little ones to look out for, but if you don't stand up to her and figure out a way to save the marriage, she may leave you for someone else eventually.

 

It is UNacceptable behaviour of someone who is married to be flirting like that and cuddling up to another man. I bet if the situation was reversed your wife would FREAK OUT if you were doing what she is doing with another woman. Why not ask her just that and see her reaction.

[v33]

I caught my ex engaged in what I thought was inappropriate behaviour once or twice. Going over to the neighbour guys house at 2 am to "play cards and talk" and kissing a 60 year old lesbian.

 

I told her she can't do that if she is in a relationship with me and she started packing the next day. Mind you, she was a drunk and kinda nuts so who knows.

 

This tells me she was ready to wander and was just waiting for me to make it easy.

 

If your woman starts doing these things often I would be concerned.

[sultry33]

op, id say take her out.. if she is saying a night out is like a break.. a holiday omg.. seriously spend time together..

 

if she is with "the girls" she may just been going with the flow.. having fun.

if you are worried then ask her.. i go out with the girls all the time and yes we pour drink over guys .. dance hug, nothing more.. its just a girl thing i think.

 

[Billy Bob]

Nope, she hasn't said she loves you in months, now out partying with other guys.. Tears in her eyes after coming home.. sorry to break it to you, those were probably guilt tears.

 

I haven't read your other threads, but I went through a similar routine with my ex, when she decided she missed out on being a crazy teenager, I was routinely left caring for my (then) 3 & 5 year olds. The more you tell her that her behavior is inappropriate, the more she will rebel and tell you that you are controlling.

 

Hate to tell you, but I think she is done. She likes the attention she is getting from other guys, doesn't appear to be in love with you anymore..

 

Stop being a doormat, basically just tell her that you are through, she can go be some other guys problem. File for divorce/seperation and file a parenting plan.

 

Sounds harsh, but I've been through it and seen other go through it as well. She wants freedom and she wants attention from other guys. You are on a slippery slope.

[verytired]

Thanks for responding. I have been feeling very alone in this (stupidly gave up most of my friends years ago because wife didn't like them) so it's good to hear other voices.

 

I sat her down last night and told her that I was tired of being the only one trying to make things work and that I have been waiting years for her to decide if she was fully committed to our marriage, but that I now realise she will never make that decision because she doesn't take responsibility for anything in our marriage/life. So I will make the decision.

 

I told her I don't trust her anymore, and that unless she can convince me that she wants to make things work I will start the process of dissolving our marriage.

 

I showed her the photo I found on Facebook and asked her if she thought this was appropriate behaviour, and how she would feel in my shoes. She said she had done nothing 'wrong' but that in my shoes she would find it unacceptable. That's the only thing she did say though. Throughout the rest of it she just sat staring into space. I said we could go to marriage counselling if that would help (but I've offered this before and she refused because she doesn't want to "talk to strangers about personal things") but that if she didn't want to then I would seek legal advice.

 

She hasn't spoken to me since.

 

Sultry33 - we went on a real holiday 3 weeks ago, we spend plenty of time together although we don't do 'out' much because whenever I ask to she says no. We don't have a lot of money.

 

cta7978 - We had kids pretty young and I think she thinks she's 'missed out' on some wild years. But then she has to make a choice doesn't she - if she wants out then I won't stop her, I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me.

 

So, it looks like I should find a lawyer. I am going to write to her today and confirm everything I said last night so she can't pretend she didn't hear me. I hate all this. All I want is to be married to the woman I met all those years ago and raise our kids and all that stuff. I try really hard to be a good husband and father. I don't want to go out and fool around with other women. She is not perfect but she's the one I committed to and I still love her.

[Untouchable_Fire]

So, it looks like I should find a lawyer. I am going to write to her today and confirm everything I said last night so she can't pretend she didn't hear me. I hate all this. All I want is to be married to the woman I met all those years ago and raise our kids and all that stuff. I try really hard to be a good husband and father. I don't want to go out and fool around with other women. She is not perfect but she's the one I committed to and I still love her.

 

You are married to the same woman you met years ago! The difference is that now you know she is crap.

 

You should be massively excited!!! Get rid of the dead weight that is your wife and find someone that will actually LOVE YOU!

 

If you think that your wife is the best you can do... that's sad.

[Billy Bob]

cta7978 - We had kids pretty young and I think she thinks she's 'missed out' on some wild years. But then she has to make a choice doesn't she - if she wants out then I won't stop her, I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me.

 

So, it looks like I should find a lawyer. I am going to write to her today and confirm everything I said last night so she can't pretend she didn't hear me. I hate all this. All I want is to be married to the woman I met all those years ago and raise our kids and all that stuff. I try really hard to be a good husband and father. I don't want to go out and fool around with other women. She is not perfect but she's the one I committed to and I still love her.

 

Glad you realize the truth in front of you.. The bad part is that your heart is broken, the good part is that you will heal and life wil get better that it was before! I guarantee it. 2 years from now you will be a new man! 6 months from now you will be on the way to recovery.

[verytired]

I think I'm just posting this because I feel very alone and need to hope someone is listening.

 

Since our talk (well, i talked and she stared vacantly into space) when I asked her to show me if she wanted our marriage to work, she has said NOTHING. I guess I have my answer. I am really hurt though, I thought she'd at least try.

 

So, I told her on monday that she was cruel and heartless to not even have spoken to me, and so she told me that she can't face carrying on but she can't face telling the kids we are splitting up. I said "that's not fair on me - what do you think i'm going to do then, just carry on while you live a single life behind the kids backs?"

 

So she said we should separate. She also said that she now thinks she was forced into marrying me (she was pregnant at the time but we were madly in love - or so I thought) and that she'd never really fully loved me. Wow, 15 years of marriage destroyed just like that. I can't believe it. Actually I don't believe it - I remember how much she loved me back then, but I think she's trying to convince herself of all that to justify the fact she can't be bothered to try to fix things. She said there was no point in going to counselling cos she's made up her mind.

 

Then she says "but where are we all going to live?" Hang on... I'm not the one who wants out of the marriage, I'm not the one who's so unhappy they have to move on... why is she asking me? Has she not thought any of this through? Probably not. And sadly, actually I do automatically start trying to figure out how to make this work out for the best for her. How can I support two homes etc... Then I stop myself and think, NO! it's time to start looking after me and the kids only - she has to sort herself out. Man, those old habits die hard don't they? I'm a fixer, it's my nature, if there's a problem I try to find a solution. But I have no idea how we move on from here. We can't afford two homes. We will both want custody of the kids. UK law totally favours the mother as I understand it.

 

So, I have an appt with a lawyer this afternoon, although I don't know what to expect or think or say because right now my head is absolutely spinning. I feel sick and angry and hurt. I keep imagining her with someone else. She is MY wife, and I love her, I can't just switch it off even though I'm hurt. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I have to be strong and show strength I know, but inside this is horrible isn't it? I mean I know loads of people have been through this, but I am shocked at how powerless i feel right now.

 

Anyway I'm ranting because I have no-one else to talk to right now (although I did tell some friends on Monday night and it felt good to share the burden)

 

I don't know what anyone can say, but if you have thoughts for me I'd love to hear them.

[Nomad1]

Verytired - sorry to hear about your situation. You must have read a few threads on LS by now and having done your research, you will deduce that A) there must be someone else, and B) the outcome of this is predictable. All you can do is accept that the marriage is over. Minimise the devastation felt by your children - remember, if you feel do way youdo, how will your children feel once they realise that this is happening because of their mother's selfishness? Be strong and take the reins! You want to be a tower of strength for your children. It won't be easy, but good luck!

[Melovator]

Ahhh facebook... digital heroin, I'm sadly addicted myself:o:laugh:. Anyway,

 

Then she says "but where are we all going to live?" Hang on... I'm not the one who wants out of the marriage, I'm not the one who's so unhappy they have to move on... why is she asking me? Has she not thought any of this through? Probably not. And sadly, actually I do automatically start trying to figure out how to make this work out for the best for her. How can I support two homes etc... Then I stop myself and think, NO! it's time to start looking after me and the kids only - she has to sort herself out. Man, those old habits die hard don't they? I'm a fixer, it's my nature, if there's a problem I try to find a solution. But I have no idea how we move on from here. We can't afford two homes. We will both want custody of the kids. UK law totally favours the mother as I understand it.

 

Everytime she pulls her 'flakey broad' act think to yourself "She's dreaming!" You are not responsible for her. She is an adult she is responsible for herself. She's dreaming now if she thinks that her life's administrivia are any of your concern.

 

This is a hard place to get to. I continued to do my ex's laundry for a period of time because I know how hopeless he is. Then I thought "fark that he's dreaming." So from now on she's dreaming, that's okay, she will have to wake up eventually, though it will probably take what seems to be an eternity for you by which time hopefully you won't even feel the need to gloat. The trick is to be polite, very polite... because

So, I have an appt with a lawyer this afternoon, although I don't know what to expect or think or say because right now my head is absolutely spinning.

 

Hope it went well and you had a lawyer who is not court gung ho without necessity. And also one who doesn't have their head so far up the bum of law that they can't actually explain your options clearly. Otherwise things can get pretty impolite... and hang on- she's out partying, you're home with the kids... how's that going against you????

 

 

I feel sick and angry and hurt. I keep imagining her with someone else. She is MY wife, and I love her, I can't just switch it off even though I'm hurt. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I have to be strong and show strength I know, but inside this is horrible isn't it? I mean I know loads of people have been through this, but I am shocked at how powerless i feel right now.

 

You're powerless over her, you are not powerless over yourself. You have the power to exercise choice, to choose how you will get through this... now is the time to throw oneself into a frenzy of self help books and how to guides! Seriously!

 

To take care of your children you must take care of yourself as well. Start thinking about the things you never did because of her, movies you'd never see, or places you'd never visit, mates you never catch up with! If she's going out, you get to have some time away too, just try to stay real far away from sh*tfaced drunk right now- not good, don't do it! Can only lead to badness on many, many levels.

 

And telling friends is good, you are going through a traumatic life event, there is nothing wrong in getting the support of your friends.

 

Take care.

[verytired]

Thanks for replying, and thanks for real practical things to think about.

 

I do wish I'd read the advice about drinking before I went out last night though. Not only do I feel like crap today, but my mate who I only see once a year hardly got a word in all evening.

 

Solicitor told me lots of stuff that could get very expensive and unpleasant very quickly, but also gave me lots of good practical advice on things I can do now to help myself. She was very focussed on divorce and assets and liabilities though. I told her I needed to think before I made any hasty decisions. One thing she told me though was to change the passwords to the internet banking for my business, just in case. I did this yesterday and then this morning my wife tried to log on to the bank account and hit the roof when she found i'd shut her out. It's not her business though.

 

So, now she's absolutely furious, I have a hangover and she's just text me to demand I go home and talk. Can't see this ending well.

 

Nonetheless, I am determined to try to follow your advice and think of the things I want to do that she has stopped me doing. I actually got on the exercise bike yesterday that has served mainly as a clothes rack for the last year and despite being amazed at how unfit i've become at least I felt like I was taking some positive action.