He's getting married a week from Saturday : (

[Confused9]

That's the thing. I was going to be Mrs. XX for so long that my life was consumed with getting ready to do that so I lost myself. I spend most of my 20's with him. I am now trying to learn who I am again. I lost myself and what I lvoe to do.

 

So...I can't really answer those questions. What I loved to do before my x and what I love to do now is so different since I am much older.

 

IT's also hard since I work 2 jobs so I don't have time to do much. Rgiht now I just want to be happy. That's all I want.

 

 

This break-up was just so shocking to my system that it has taken a long time to understand that it happened. Now, it's trying to move on...

[whichwayisup]

I lost myself and what I lvoe to do.

 

So, take it day by day and find yourself again - Who you are, what you're all about - And get back into the things you love to do - Whether it be photography, art, working out, writing - Something passionate that will make you feel like you've accomplished something and feel really good about it.

 

Sorry today was a rough one for you - I hope tomorrow is a better day. Actually here's an idea, give yourself ONE MORE DAY (Sunday) to feel down and out. Then make a promise to yourself to really make an effort NOT to have "I wish.." thoughts about him. Focus more on you and working on the letting go part. No more, what did I do wrong, why why why etc...Beating up on yourself is NOT going to help you through the grieving and letting go process. You need to start loving YOU and pampering yourself.

[Gunny376]

Well I thought about you all day today, while at work, because I knew this was "tha day" for you.

 

Well you lived through it, you made it through it, your survied it ~ and the Sun is going to come up tomorrow. Its not the end of the world.

 

But seriously you need to work on your self esteem (not just you ~ we all do every single day!)

 

I never saw the movie, but the title captivated me "Waiting To Exhale" ~ been there and done that!

 

There are somethings you go through in life your just going to have to "white-knuckle" all the way down to the end of the ride! As in "Get it, sit down, shut up, and hang on!"

 

In your post, I actually think you come across as being a stronger, more solid person than you give yourself credit for.

 

Granted, your crawling out from under the bus that just ran over you, and thinking to yourself WTF!

 

And I can get the your mindset of going for years and years of thinking I'm going to do X but then Y happens and totally screws you up!

 

And you end up doing this whole "Lost In Space" robot deal about "Does Not Compute! Does Not Compute! Tilt! Tilt!"

 

What you need to do right now is stay out of serious relationships and work on you!

 

You come across as a good, caring, loving, giving, trusting person with a lot of love to give the right person.

 

Trouble is? There's a lot of mean persons out there. And you've got to have a lot more than just a smile to get by!

 

There are SOB and Biacthes out there that will throw you under the bus, just to see the look on your face. They're literally are at your front door, waiting with Louville Sluggers!

 

Just take it one second, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year at a time!

 

And don't forget to exhale! ;)

[Confused9]

Yes, I made it through. It wasn't as hard as I anticipated. I mean...don't get me wrong I cried, etc. but today I don't feel like jumping in front of a moving object to end it all or anything. I was walking through the grocery store today and I thought 9 months ago he was engaged to me...now he is married to someone else...seems a bit sudden...next stop divorce court.

 

Then I thought to myself. STOP...who cares what's on the horizon for him. It doesn't effect you so stop caring. I mean...he isn't in my life anymore. He lives 1,000s of miles away so I am not going to run in to him for a while anyways, so that's good.

 

I guess my whole thing is the 'I want justice' 'I want fair'. But, as we all say, Life isn't fair. What happens to him is no longer my concern. It's about me now and I need to work towards happiness. Perhaps I am scared to find happiness? Maybe I am scared if I find a good thing it may be taken away from me again? I don't know, but I need to work at it.

 

I know for a fact I do not want to date right now. I am not ready. I am extremely lonely but still...I can't put my heart in to it 100% so I won't even try. I am going to try and have fun and learn who confused is.

 

It's going to be a busy week for me since my BFF is getting married on Saturday. It will be bitter sweet for me. It's the first wedding I have ever gone to without him. He was suppossed to be in it with me and he isn't even going. (wasn't invited becasue he doesn't speak to anyone from 'home' anymore.) I am going to hold my head up high and be there for her.

 

I thank you all for everything. I feel a bit better that the wedding is over with now. No more anticipating. He's gone...GONE GONE GONE!!!

[whichwayisup]

I knew something in you would go DING DING DING after yesterday...I'm proud of you for seeing this, acknowledging it and the attitude you have now. You might still have some rough days, but in a way him getting married made it official and gave you more closure.

 

Have FUN at your BFF's wedding. Don't let HIM ruin your time at her wedding. It's exciting for her and you're a big part of her life, so even if you don't bring date, get up there and dance, drink and party the night away!

[Confused9]

No, no date but I am a bridesmaid so...I will be busy.

 

I am feeling a bit sad at the moment, but I am not surpised. I am sure I will have my moments.

 

IT's just weird to know he's married. But, if that makes him happy...than I am happy for him. I do love him and want him to have a good life. It's just sad that his life doesn't involve me. : (

[stampdaddy]

No, no date but I am a bridesmaid so...I will be busy.

 

I am feeling a bit sad at the moment, but I am not surpised. I am sure I will have my moments.

 

IT's just weird to know he's married. But, if that makes him happy...than I am happy for him. I do love him and want him to have a good life. It's just sad that his life doesn't involve me. : (

I have been there sweetie, and I looked at these moments as "speed bumps".. First, she had the ring, then there was the date, and then they were married, and then, the pregnancy, and then the baby.... now, I am pretty much, "Uncle Stampdaddy".. I love her 2 new children and they love me and I have since had a boy that is 3 weeks younger than her boy.. They are almost like cousins... Moral of the story is: Keep your chin up, go over your "speed bumps" and go on with your life, because you have no idea where it will take you and how "lemons can turn into lemonade"

[Gunny376]

You just made a hugh leap in your thiinking, and as WWIU and SD said you might hit a speed bump or two, have an occassional dark storm cloud of Life pass over your head, but with each passing day you'll gain the strength to just give it an ugly look and shoo it away.

 

From now on, with each passing day you will grow stronger and stronger.

 

Because of this experience you will become wiser, stronger, and more experience. If the XHEX were to meet the C9 of today seven years ago you wouldn't have given him the time of day. From time you will be able to spot a loser a mile off. For the experience you will hav developed a six sense, and it will be very strong.

 

When you do begin dating again the guy you do eventyally date will have to earn your trust, your faith, and work through earning your trust. He will have to work for it, he'll have to sweat for it ~ but if he's willing to do all of that ~ he'll get himself one Hell of a woman.

 

LOL!

 

When I read you were going to your BFF's wedding, I read "BFF" initially as

"my 'Big Fat Friend" instead of my "Best Female Friend" :lmao:

[Confused9]

SD,

 

Wait, so your xwife had kids and you have kids and they all hang out, etc? So, that means you are on good terms? Wow, that must be hard. I would try to be on good terms with my x but he is such an @sshole to me so I guess that's not happening. It would probably be too hard anyway. When we were breaking up he kept saying 'I want to be in your life. You are my best friend'. Then it was 'I never loved you, you and I were a mistake from the beginning'. Quick change on feelings for some odd reason. I think it was guilt...but...who am I to say?

 

Thanks for the advice. I hope I can overcome this. Or should I say, I hope I can overcome this sooner, rather than later. I need to be positive I guess!

 

Gunny,

 

I think I was having a positive, strong moment. Right now I just feel sort of numb. I do hope I can get something out of this experience. I know what my first lesson was...never EVER put everything in your name just because you have 'better credit'. And always have seperate bank accounts!!! HA! HA!

 

I want to come out on top...I am just so far gone right now. I just hope I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and MOVE the @#!@%$#^%$^%$# on!!! I am bothering myself. haha. No one in my life wants to talk about it anymore, they all get so frustrated. From the outside looking in it's hard to imagine wanting to be with someone like that...but the honest truth is...you just can't turn love off - well apparantly my x can, but I can't. I just wish people were more accepting. I am so glad I found LS.

[husbndinthemaking]

Send them a gift and wish for them to have a happy life together.

 

This is all you can do.

 

Also, Confused... You need to let go. You are harboring this pain for way too long. Have you tried to date others? Meet new people?

 

Sounds like you are waiting for him to come back to you. With a baby in the mix, this is not going to happen. I am sorry.

 

 

Hi everyone,

 

So my fiance and I broke up in October after being together for 7 years. He cheated on me and left me while slurring every mean name in the book.

 

Now, he and the OW who have only know each other since September are marrying June 7th and having a baby in Oct.

 

I am having the hardest time letting go of him and letting go of the idea that he still is in love with me but is only forced in to this new life becasue of the baby, etc.

 

He moved away, left his whole life behind, including me, and I am still stuck on the...he did it because he's stuck...he still loves me...he'll be back.

 

The pain I feel is different from the beginning, but the worthlessness, the agony, the sadness, the pain, the hopelessness, the regret, the feeling of 100% of responsibility... that's all still there.

 

 

I just keep thinking...how can he really love her? He was in love with me right before it happened...now she is the end all be all? How did I get here? What is wrong with me that he CHOSE her over me? Because, let's face it...he did. What did I do to deserve him to treat me like the worst thing that ever lived? He was so mean, so mad, so angry...left me with a mountain of debt, a hole in my heart, and now he's living the happily ever after.

 

How will I cope with his wedding day? It's only been 7-8 months!

 

: (

[Confused9]

I am happy for him...it's just hard.

 

Yes, I have been holding on for too long. As you can see from my posts I understand this. It was just extremely sudden and it's hard to stomach. I don't think he's coming back though. He is 1,000s of miles away and has a new life. I know he isn't coming back. There is a difference between wanting something to happen and thinking it really will.

 

When you spend 7 years of your life with someone you would hope to get a little respect as they walk out on you or at least a few moments of missing you. I never got that...it's a shock to my system and a blow to my self worth. I truly believe he loved me. He never showed anything but love towards me...then it was gone. It's hard to get over. I don't think anyone should put a time on how others react or get over things. It may seem like a long time to you...but to my heart...it seems like it was yesterday.

[Lookingforward]

No-one can say how long is "too long"...everyone processes and deals with the pain of losing someone at different speeds.

 

Confused - just handle it the best you can and eventually it WILL get better, best not to push yourself into dating etc until you feel ready

[Confused9]

I agree. I am SO not ready to date. Tried that...not a good scene.

[Gunny376]

Well I don't know about not being ready to date aka socalize, but your not ready to get into another relationship. Not mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sure as hell not financailly.

 

But you need to get yourself back out there in the real world, and circulate, meet some new people, socalizre, and interact with someone besides co-workers and your cat.

 

I'm off the market right now because I'm working on other things in my life. But just because I go out on a date with someone doesn't mean I'm looking for the love of my life, nor the next Mrs Gunny376.

 

I can promise you this! The next gal I get with in a serious way ~ we're going to take it slow ~ and I mean Andy Griffin and Hellen Crump slow. I''ve been oound long enough to know that the sooner sex becomes part of the relationship ~ is inversly proportionate to the life of the relationship.

 

Your only 27 C9, and you got with this @sshat back when you were twenty. You were young and in-experienced and fresh out of puberty.

 

I realize you love and are in love with the bum ~ but that's what he is a BUM! A LOSER!

 

The day's going to come when you're going to meet a decent guy and you come to the realization that you were blessed not dragging that dead horse and saddle around with you everywhere you go!

[Mz. Pixie]

Gunny is right. One day you'll meet the right guy and you'll think "What did I ever see in that jackaxs"

[Confused9]

Thank you guys...I hope so.

 

The thing is...I wonder if that is what he thinks with his new wife. That I was a dead horse and he was dragging me around. I mean...if I come to this realization...he probably too. So, in his mind...he is better off and perhaps I deserved what he did. For some reason...that bothers me the most.

 

I don't know why I put so much focus on him or what he's thinking. But the fact that he could be thinking negative or hates me...bothers me!

[dgiirl]

I don't know why I put so much focus on him or what he's thinking. But the fact that he could be thinking negative or hates me...bothers me!

 

Confused, what purpose do these thoughts have for you? Do these types of thoughts make you feel good or bad? Remember what I said about choice? Here's your choice right now. I know it's hard at first to prevent them from initially popping into your head. But you do have a choice of whether you want to keep dwelling on it after you notice they are in your head. Push those thoughts out of your head as they serve NOTHING but to harm you and your self esteem! You need to start watching your internal dialog. Would you really say what you just wrote to one of your friends or a complete stranger who was going through a breakup? I would hope not. And if not, then why would you treat someone else with respect and love, and not yourself?

[Confused9]

then why would you treat someone else with respect and love, and not yourself?

That's the million dollar question. Why do I treat myself so bad. Why do I love people who treat me bad? I mean, my x was an @sshole when he broke up with me the thought of him should make me sick, really, but still I continue to want him back. Even after knowing what he's done.

 

Why lower my standards? Why put up with that?

 

Why care what this man thinks of me...when I know for a fact I did all I could and am a better person that he will ever be. I mean...after all he has done to me...if he does think negative thoghts...it's only to diflect his guilt for all he did. F*CK him. I shouldnt' even care...but I do.

 

It's strange. Sad. Bad to be like this.

 

He broke my heart. But worst of all...he broke my spirit.

[TrustInYourself]

then why would you treat someone else with respect and love, and not yourself?

 

That's the million dollar question. Why do I treat myself so bad. Why do I love people who treat me bad? I mean, my x was an @sshole when he broke up with me the thought of him should make me sick, really, but still I continue to want him back. Even after knowing what he's done.

 

Why lower my standards? Why put up with that?

 

Why care what this man thinks of me...when I know for a fact I did all I could and am a better person that he will ever be. I mean...after all he has done to me...if he does think negative thoghts...it's only to diflect his guilt for all he did. F*CK him. I shouldnt' even care...but I do.

 

It's strange. Sad. Bad to be like this.

 

He broke my heart. But worst of all...he broke my spirit.

 

I'm going to say this as nicely as I can. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

 

As far as wanting him back, that's all psychology. If he was nice and apologetic today would you like him more or less? If he called you up everyday to profess his love while he married another woman, would that help you cut ties with him? Most likely? Stop chasing him, he should be chasing you. Have some faith in your own worth. There's someone out there that deserves your love and deserves to be with you. Just chill.

[tinktronik]

C9, you really need to stop obsessing over this. Its been 8 or 9 months now, you should be farther along in your progress . You have to stop focusing on him and her and start focusing on you. I understand this sucks but I don't understand why months later you even know your ex's wedding date or what is going on in his life at all.

[Confused9]

I'm going to say this as nicely as I can. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

 

As far as wanting him back, that's all psychology. If he was nice and apologetic today would you like him more or less? If he called you up everyday to profess his love while he married another woman, would that help you cut ties with him? Most likely? Stop chasing him, he should be chasing you. Have some faith in your own worth. There's someone out there that deserves your love and deserves to be with you. Just chill.

 

I don't think I am feeling sorry for myself. I think I am having a hard time coping with what has been done. I am not saying WAH me - why does my life suck. I am saying, what is wrong with me to allow this to continue to bother me and why do I not value my self worth more?

[lovely81]

Aw...eight or nine months down the road of getting out of my sudden break up after seven years, I still had many moments when I felt like crap, didn't understand why and blamed myself. I still felt grief stricken. We are a similar age too...

 

I can see in your posts you've had improvements in the way you are thinking about it...and one day it will come together. I wish that day could come sooner,but when it does, you'll feel better. Honestly, I don't think your thoughts are holding you back from recovering are getting better...I think it is part of the process and pretty unavoidable. Try to get out there and do new things and one day you won't feel like you're faking it anymore.

 

From your posts I can see you are a sweet, lovely person and I sincerely hope your next person (and there WILL be a next person) gives you the respect and love you deserve--and frankly I don't mean that I hope the next person doesn't break up with you, because I don't think true happiness comes from clinging onto a relationship. It just seems like your ex was kind of a jerk, no matter how happy you were with him(and just because you couldn't recognize his jerkiness doesn't mean that there's something "wrong" with you.) There is nothing wrong with either of you.

 

You'll be okay and I hope you come back to LS then to tell everyone how much better it was than you ever imagined it could be! I love to hear how people have healed

[Confused9]

C9, you really need to stop obsessing over this. Its been 8 or 9 months now, you should be farther along in your progress . You have to stop focusing on him and her and start focusing on you. I understand this sucks but I don't understand why months later you even know your ex's wedding date or what is going on in his life at all.

 

 

Yes, I understand I need to stop obsessing, but no matter how much time has past it still hurts and I am still sad. I don't think there is a time-table on when I should be over this. I was ENGAGED to this man 8 months ago...we spent 7 years together. Now ONLY 8 months later he is married to someone else. I have a problem with that. If you don't understand why, then you are a strong person and have an easier time getting over things that I do...lucky you.

 

I am working on getting over it and have pointed out that I don't want to feel like this, but I come here for support and I don't like to hear that I shouldn't care becasue it's been 8 months. 8 months isn't a very long time. Especially when it all happened so fast. So, while I appreciate you trying to help me...your post made me feel worse! : (

[Confused9]

Aw...eight or nine months down the road of getting out of my sudden break up after seven years, I still had many moments when I felt like crap, didn't understand why and blamed myself. I still felt grief stricken. We are a similar age too...

 

I can see in your posts you've had improvements in the way you are thinking about it...and one day it will come together. I wish that day could come sooner,but when it does, you'll feel better. Honestly, I don't think your thoughts are holding you back from recovering are getting better...I think it is part of the process and pretty unavoidable. Try to get out there and do new things and one day you won't feel like you're faking it anymore.

 

From your posts I can see you are a sweet, lovely person and I sincerely hope your next person (and there WILL be a next person) gives you the respect and love you deserve--and frankly I don't mean that I hope the next person doesn't break up with you, because I don't think true happiness comes from clinging onto a relationship. It just seems like your ex was kind of a jerk, no matter how happy you were with him(and just because you couldn't recognize his jerkiness doesn't mean that there's something "wrong" with you.) There is nothing wrong with either of you.

 

You'll be okay and I hope you come back to LS then to tell everyone how much better it was than you ever imagined it could be! I love to hear how people have healed

 

 

Thank you!!! You made me feel MUCH better : )

[TrustInYourself]

Due to your lack of a male presence in your youth, you validate your self worth and love by giving to men who are never "there" for you emotionally. Typically you will look for men who are emotionally unavailable and fall for them before men who are. You are also probably drawn to "bad boys".