He's getting married a week from Saturday : (

[Mz. Pixie]

Pixie, I know it's just a breakup and it isn't a sick child, or homelessness, or any horrible thing. But, to me, this was my whole life. He was more than just a fiance...he was my family. My stability in a crazy life. He was the one constant since I grew up in a family of alcoholics, drug addicts and my father left. He was that one man that never let me down...until of course he met the OW. I just feel like my whole life came crashing down on me and I have nothing left to stand on. I just feel like he left and now my world is empty. His leaving had such a huge impact on my life...me not being in his life doesn't even matter to him. That's a slap in the face.

 

I know it was your whole life, and I'm not trying to say you don't have a right to hurt because you do. I'm just trying to give you a different perspective to look at.

 

One should never make a relationship their entire life. That's part of the problem. I grew up in an environment much like your own- and I can relate to what you're saying but Confused needs to learn to love herself and feel worthy of being treated decently. When you learn to love and depend upon yourself having a SO only enhances the great life you already have.

 

Make sense? Are you getting any counseling?

[Gunny376]

I know it was your whole life, and I'm not trying to say you don't have a right to hurt because you do. I'm just trying to give you a different perspective to look at.

 

One should never make a relationship their entire life. That's part of the problem. I grew up in an environment much like your own- and I can relate to what you're saying but Confused needs to learn to love herself and feel worthy of being treated decently. When you learn to love and depend upon yourself having a SO only enhances the great life you already have.

 

Make sense? Are you getting any counseling?

 

Agreeded! Sometimes you've just got to chaw down on the bullet /leather and deal with the pain!

 

I'm not sure whidch is worse? Physical pain or emotioanl pain? Both are a bitch!

 

C9? Get yourself into a counseling! You, like I was, are obessing!

 

Thing is? When I was going through it? There wasn't any LS, internet, etc. Just Jack Daniels and a Fred Flintsone jelly glass!

[Gunny376]

I know it was your whole life, and I'm not trying to say you don't have a right to hurt because you do. I'm just trying to give you a different perspective to look at.

 

One should never make a relationship their entire life. That's part of the problem. I grew up in an environment much like your own- and I can relate to what you're saying but Confused needs to learn to love herself and feel worthy of being treated decently. When you learn to love and depend upon yourself having a SO only enhances the great life you already have.

 

Make sense? Are you getting any counseling?

 

 

You've got that right!

[a4a]

Agreeded! Sometimes you've just got to chaw down on the bullet /leather and deal with the pain!

 

I'm not sure whidch is worse? Physical pain or emotioanl pain? Both are a bitch!

 

C9? Get yourself into a counseling! You, like I was, are obessing!

 

Thing is? When I was going through it? There wasn't any LS, internet, etc. Just Jack Daniels and a Fred Flintsone jelly glass!

 

Perhaps you still are a bit...

 

still seems to come out in your posts more often than not. ???

 

C9 you are choosing not to move forward.

[Gunny376]

Perhaps you still are a bit...

 

still seems to come out in your posts more often than not. ???

 

C9 you are choosing not to move forward.

 

 

No doubt!

 

I've learned over the course of the years that you can't BS women! Espically women such as yourself a4a.

 

Yea, (with tears in my eyes) I use to love her a lot!

[Kasan]

I never posted to you before, and I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly.

 

I think it's human nature to look back at the past and wonder if you had done things differently would the outcome be the same?

 

You could have made this man breakfast in bed everyday of your relationship--washed his car every weekend, drove him to work, and made him gourmet dinners and I suspect the end result would have been the same. Be kinder to yourself and stop with the "what ifs" as I believe you gave your SO the best that you had to give.

 

I also think you would have come to the conclusion somewhere down the road that he wasn't a good fit for you. As it has been noted, his drinking was a problem.

 

You will get through this...........

[Nomad1]

Confused9 - I am really sorry that you are feeling the way you do. I send you good peaceful vibes from London. I know that no matter what anyone will say to you, you will still hurt. I guess that his wedding is a milestone, after which, I hope, you will find closure to this turmoil you have been going through for so long. You can't stop the pain right now, so ride with it, feel it! Tell yourself 'I am a strong person because I can withstand the pain'. You will feel much stronger and like many of us, you will reconceptualise relationships. I now see relationships as a welcome addition to my independent life. They don't define me. I define them. This does not mean that I care any less about significant others!

 

Another point I would like to make, is that it is much easier to start from a clean place. By this I mean, try not to hate him for what he did. Think of it like this, he does not deserve a minute of your time. You should be so glad that he is out of your life. You are worth so much more.

 

Take care confused

 

Nomad1

[Confused9]

Thank you so much everyone.

 

These next couple of days are going to be hard but I know with the help of LS I will get through.

 

I know I obsess and I should probably get counseling I just don't have time to right now wiht the two jobs. I had tried to get counseling but they weren't taking patients and then I just stopped looking. I am going to my DR DR and I will see what he says about possible things I can do. I suffer from depression normally but am not sure how I feel about medication. WHile I have taken that route before. I don't know if I want to. We'll see though.

 

I apprecaite everyone's thoughts and well wishes.

 

Nomad, thanks for the kind words...you are very nice to say those things about me and what I deserve and kasan you are probably right...I would have maybe realized that he wasn't it for me...perhaps I knew in some ways but I think the decision being his and his alone and the thought of him not loving me...that stings the worst. Be it due to vanity or self worth or what have you.

 

I miss him...but I know he isn't who he used to be.

 

I don't hate my ex. I hate my situation. I still love him and care for him very much. I wish him well...I guess I just wish I had a good life and found love first...sounds selfish and vain, but...I just want to be happy too. Like him. It only seems fair.

 

I have a lot of love to give and I want to find someone worthy of recieving it.

[sumdude]

Thank you so much everyone.

 

These next couple of days are going to be hard but I know with the help of LS I will get through.

 

I know I obsess and I should probably get counseling I just don't have time to right now wiht the two jobs. I had tried to get counseling but they weren't taking patients and then I just stopped looking. I am going to my DR DR and I will see what he says about possible things I can do. I suffer from depression normally but am not sure how I feel about medication. WHile I have taken that route before. I don't know if I want to. We'll see though.

 

It pretty common for people to obsess when something like this happens. At some pointy you do have to take control of it, so don;t get too down on the fact you;re obsessing abit.. for now. As far as depression... exercise works wonders. In studies comparing the effectiveness of anti-depressants and regular sweaty exercise the results were very similar. I rerad this in a psycholicial magazine wating in my therapists ofiice, I saw one for the first couple months after my ex took off on me. The rest becomes retraining your brain.

 

I apprecaite everyone's thoughts and well wishes.

 

Nomad, thanks for the kind words...you are very nice to say those things about me and what I deserve and kasan you are probably right...I would have maybe realized that he wasn't it for me...perhaps I knew in some ways but I think the decision being his and his alone and the thought of him not loving me...that stings the worst. Be it due to vanity or self worth or what have you.

 

I miss him...but I know he isn't who he used to be.

 

I don't hate my ex. I hate my situation. I still love him and care for him very much. I wish him well...I guess I just wish I had a good life and found love first...sounds selfish and vain, but...I just want to be happy too. Like him. It only seems fair.

 

I have a lot of love to give and I want to find someone worthy of recieving it.

 

Yes you do and you will.. You're starting to see it.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Confused, sister, I understand. My ex is still living with the woman he left me for. Although they aren't getting married, they are still apparently happy and planning some semblance of a future together - 9 months after he told me he wanted a divorce. And we were together for approximately the same length of time as you and your ex-fiance. I can't even begin to fathom how I would react if I heard she was pregnant and they were getting married. My heart hurts for you.

 

I absolutely know what you mean about justice. I am almost 10 months in since D-Day, and I longed for justice for a long time and sometimes still do. You're right, it's NOT fair. It's not fair that someone just gets to do this to you and not face any recriminations.

 

It will get better. Think of each month as a success. It's now June - you're still alive and functioning. Sometimes you just need to take pride in that. You haven't let the situation beat you.

 

My therapist told me to stop saying "should" and beating myself up for what I haven't done, how far I haven't gotten, or how I think I should be feeling. She said "Just think of 2008 as your year to heal from a terrible injustice." And she's right. Just take the year to heal - don't expect too much, but don't spend too much time in the dark places.

 

I don't believe in karma, so for me, I have to accept that there really is no justice - at least nothing that fits my definition of it. But I CAN accept that I didn't deserve what he did. And I would much, much rather be me than him. I would rather recover from what someone did to me, rather than recover from what I selfishly did to someone else.

 

There's a lot of "Confuseds" out there. You're not alone, we understand, and we grieve with you. Keep your head up.

[Confused9]

Thank you CF.

 

I am sorry for what your x did to you and I hope that you and I benefit from their stupidity of leaving us : )

 

I am upset at myself for my progress but your post made me feel a lot better. 2008 will not be a hard year to say goodbye too. It's been an extremely trying time.

 

You're right though, I guess in the long run I would rather live with what he did to me than live with what he did to me like he is. I can only imagine that he thinks of what he's done. Perhaps not all the time...but he has to think about it - I think. I mean, I would think he would think about it?

 

Who knows what he thinks. I guess I shouldn't care.

 

Although, part of me wishes and hopes that as he's saying his wedding vows I pop in to his head and he can't get me out...throughout the whole wedding. And he thinks...I am making a mistake. haha. Wishful thinking

[Confused9]

So tomorrow is the big day. I am trying so hard not to care. Not to think about him saying vows and promising to love another woman for ever and ever. Trying hard not to think about his parent's sitting with him watching him marry 'the love of his life' and that not being me. Wondering who's going, who's not, what he's thinking.

 

I am hoping I pop in to his head frequently. I am hoping he is sad. I am hoping he doesn't want to be marrying her, but wants to be marrying me. I know that is silly but that is what I want becasue I would still marry him.

 

I imagine him calling me tomorrow, crying, telling me it's a mistake and he loves me. I had dreams about him last night. I just want to wake up and it be Monday. Better yet, I want to wake up and it be a year from now and I am OVER it!

[whichwayisup]

I am hoping I pop in to his head frequently. I am hoping he is sad. I am hoping he doesn't want to be marrying her, but wants to be marrying me.

Thinking this and hoping this isn't going to come true. Please don't allow yourself to believe this fantasy in your head..

 

I know that is silly but that is what I want becasue I would still marry him.

 

I know you feel this way but I honestly believe that if he showed up on your doorstep tonight, you wouldn't take him back. Too much has happened, he's hurt you too deeply and how he broke your heart, the way he treated you, IS unforgivable in the sense of working it out with him and being happy. He is a broken man inside, has many flaws and you would NEVER EVER be able to trust him with your heart. This has nothing to do with love, I know you love him still, but a man who handled things so badly and really isn't sorry, isn't worthy of YOUR love.

 

Take care of you - Try not to make tomorrow depressing for yourself. Maybe see a movie with a friend, or go shopping? Don't isolate yourself.

[Confused9]

You might be right WW but I am not so sure. I just think of him and what we used to be. It's so sad that a year ago today I was with him, happily, and he was with me and I thought he was happy too.

 

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that we were lying in bed and it was a while ago and I said to him. I wish I could show you the future, becasue a couple of years from now you are going to break my heart. you are going to leave me for a girl named XX and get married to her on June 7th. You will have a baby with her that is due 10 days after what was to be our wedding date. He then hugs me, starts to cry and says he would never do that. EVER. A conversation the two of us never had, but we did have similiar one's about cheating and he said he would never, ever. I wonder what happened to that person? It was so eery. When I woke up I felt like he had been there. Like it really happened. If I dream of him...he has to dream of me???

 

I know you don't think he things of me...but I wonder how he can't be thinking of me at this moment. Planning this wedding. I mean...he had just been planning ours. It's just seems impossible that he doesn't stop to think. Wow, I am an @sshole.

 

I just feel so bad today. I just want to go to bed. Of course I am stuck at work for another 4 hours then have to waitress tonight.

 

UGH!

[whichwayisup]

I just think of him and what we used to be

 

But you DO know that what you used to have with him is gone. Even if he came back to you, it would NEVER be the same. Ever.

 

I know you don't think he things of me...but I wonder how he can't be thinking of me at this moment. Planning this wedding. I mean...he had just been planning ours. It's just seems impossible that he doesn't stop to think. Wow, I am an @sshole.

I'm not saying this to hurt you, but you thinking this stuff, hoping that he is thinking of you during this time, tomorrow and while saying his vows, really serves no purpose. Sure, there's always a chance that you're on his mind in one sense, but not enough to for him to end things with the OW, dump his soon to be child and come back to you.

 

He IS an a-hole and sadly this is what you need to accept about him. People who are selfish, narcissists only think of themselves and not others around them. They just don't care. I am sorry for your pain Confused.

[Confused9]

I know he isn't coming back. I just don't understand how he can go through with this and live "happily ever after" after all the pain he's put me through. That is what my issue is and has been throughout this whole post I guess. It must go back to what dgiirl was saying about wanting justice. I just don't understand the ways of the world, I guess?

 

It just seems so unfair and I know life isn't fair but I guess I just wish someone would throw me a bone. You know? I keep getting the sh*t end of this stick. I give and give and give - I am honestly scared to do anything wrong because I feel like something bad will happen if I do becasue, I constantly play by the rules and get nothing in return. Bad sh*t jsut keeps happening to me. People keep walking all over me then walking out

 

Maybe I am just having a pity party and need to get some thoughts out? I know what I need to do...I know I have to do it. I guess letting go is the hardest part...

[whichwayisup]

I just don't understand how he can go through with this and live "happily ever after" after all the pain he's put me through.

 

Because he is a selfish man with many narcissistic traits. He just doesn't care. He also was/is a drunk, throw in what an a-hole he is too, well, that's why.

 

Keep venting all you want. These are your feelings and you have every right to feel them. Only thing that you need to do is get through today, tomorrow and the rest of the weekend, and try to focus on getting over him, what you lost and grieve. Don't want it back, grieve and let it go. Try to make a promise to yourself to MOVE ON and not spend your time and energy crying over someone that really doesn't exist anymore. That man who you loved isn't the man now.

[sunshinegirl]

I know he isn't coming back. I just don't understand how he can go through with this and live "happily ever after" after all the pain he's put me through. That is what my issue is and has been throughout this whole post I guess. It must go back to what dgiirl was saying about wanting justice. I just don't understand the ways of the world, I guess?

 

It just seems so unfair and I know life isn't fair but I guess I just wish someone would throw me a bone. You know? I keep getting the sh*t end of this stick. I give and give and give - I am honestly scared to do anything wrong because I feel like something bad will happen if I do becasue, I constantly play by the rules and get nothing in return. Bad sh*t jsut keeps happening to me. People keep walking all over me then walking out

Maybe I am just having a pity party and need to get some thoughts out? I know what I need to do...I know I have to do it. I guess letting go is the hardest part...

 

Confused, do you think you might be ready to tackle why it is that you let people take advantage of you? Of examining your patterns in picking men?

 

My current breakup, if nothing else, has woken me up to the fact that I have very predictable patterns in relationships: I consistently pick men who are emotionally unable to be there for me. They are fundamentally selfish men to whom I give give give and never get back the same investment. In some ways it replicates my relationship with my dad. I never saw that, or wanted to see it, before now. But now that I have, I am in therapy to figure out why I do this. I am determined not to put myself in anymore situations like this - tying my life to selfish, narcissistic, shallow men who don't, or can't, love me.

[Confused9]

Don't want it back, grieve and let it go.

 

This should be my mantra. I should just continue to say it over and over again.

 

Thank you WW. You are so good at this.

 

SG,

 

My x and I were together for 7 years (and I am 27) so he was really the only relationship I have ever had. He really was amazing when we were together. Amazing to me when he was sober. When he was drunk he would pick fights and yell @ everyone and he was drunk 1/3 the time. haha.

 

I allow my family, friends and coworkers to walk all over me. I am completely codependent. It's awful, really. I am working on it and I should be in therapy...I just don't have the time due to working one FT job and waitressing 3 nights a week.

 

I don't have a relationship with my father at all. I am sure this is why I do the things I do. To please everyone so they won't leave....but they always do.

[Confused9]

Woke up after dreaming of him all night and I have a knot in my stomach. UGH!

 

I am going to try to keep myself VERY busy.

 

I just want today to be over!!!

[2sunny]

my exH (married 20 years) remarried just 1-1/2 months after our divorce was final.

 

i wasn't surprised because he doesn't like to be alone. he also wants someone to take care of him.

 

after processing the new info - the only thing i felt was - sorry for her!

 

now six months later he is doing some heavy duty counseling because they are struggling to stay married. i'm sure he took all his $hit right into their relationship.

 

i don't know what goes on in their relationship and i never want to know. all i've heard is that it won't last long.

 

who knows why some folks decide to jump right into another relationship without making the path more clear... but when they don't - it makes for a very twisted and convoluted journey.

 

take the time to heal Confused - so that you will be able to see a clear path for your future.

[Confused9]

Thank You : )

[tinktronik]

So tomorrow is the big day. I am trying so hard not to care. Not to think about him saying vows and promising to love another woman for ever and ever. Trying hard not to think about his parent's sitting with him watching him marry 'the love of his life' and that not being me. Wondering who's going, who's not, what he's thinking.

 

I am hoping I pop in to his head frequently. I am hoping he is sad. I am hoping he doesn't want to be marrying her, but wants to be marrying me. I know that is silly but that is what I want becasue I would still marry him.

 

I imagine him calling me tomorrow, crying, telling me it's a mistake and he loves me. I had dreams about him last night. I just want to wake up and it be Monday. Better yet, I want to wake up and it be a year from now and I am OVER it!

 

The above bolded quotes concern me very much, they suggest a very real lack of self-esteem in you , as well as a very unrealistic hope that you have tried to create in your mind, as well as a wish of hurting toward others wether in revenge or not.

I understand and sympathize with the pain you have sustained from your relationship and its end. However you need to do some serious work to come to know yourself . You also need to understand where your own boundaries are and when you fill your life with the criteria that you only make someone else happy, that person will often walk all over you almost from default as in there is almost no other option, because you do not qualify your own needs in any real manner.

I would suggest you go a good amount of time on your own outside of any romantic relationship, and find out what it is that you expect out of life both from yourself an others. Find that image of who you want to be and become that, if we base our lives on what others want, we become someone almost non-existent and certainly never happy.

[Confused9]

The above bolded quotes concern me very much, they suggest a very real lack of self-esteem in you

 

Yes, you are correct I have no self-esteem. I know that and am trying to work on that. I have stated that in my posts and also stated that I know he isn't coming back I just wish for it so...I am aware at how unrealistic it is.

 

As I type this right now he is marrying or at his reception or something. That is so hard for me to grasp as we were engaged just 8 months ago and now we are strangers. This is a hard time in my life and while I know I need to work on myself some days it's hard too. Especially today.

[tinktronik]

The above bolded quotes concern me very much, they suggest a very real lack of self-esteem in you

 

Yes, you are correct I have no self-esteem. I know that and am trying to work on that. I have stated that in my posts and also stated that I know he isn't coming back I just wish for it so...I am aware at how unrealistic it is.

 

As I type this right now he is marrying or at his reception or something. That is so hard for me to grasp as we were engaged just 8 months ago and now we are strangers. This is a hard time in my life and while I know I need to work on myself some days it's hard too. Especially today.

C, what sorts of things do you like? What do you do all day? What were your dreams when you were a kid?

Really, why don't you post some answers to those ? for a while and change your focus for a while at least?

These things are so much healthier than continuing to obsess over the ex. Try it!