He's getting married a week from Saturday : (

[MissXena]

I can promise you this! The next gal I get with in a serious way ~ we're going to take it slow ~ and I mean Andy Griffin and Hellen Crump slow. I''ve been oound long enough to know that the sooner sex becomes part of the relationship ~ is inversly proportionate to the life of the relationship.

 

Gunny, I *love* the metaphor but, it's GriffiTH, not Griffin.

 

Carry on.

[dgiirl]

then why would you treat someone else with respect and love, and not yourself?

That's the million dollar question. Why do I treat myself so bad. Why do I love people who treat me bad? I mean, my x was an @sshole when he broke up with me the thought of him should make me sick, really, but still I continue to want him back. Even after knowing what he's done.

 

Why lower my standards? Why put up with that?

 

Why care what this man thinks of me...when I know for a fact I did all I could and am a better person that he will ever be. I mean...after all he has done to me...if he does think negative thoghts...it's only to diflect his guilt for all he did. F*CK him. I shouldnt' even care...but I do.

 

It's strange. Sad. Bad to be like this.

 

He broke my heart. But worst of all...he broke my spirit.

 

First of all, there definitely isnt a time table for how quickly you should recover. Thinking OF him will definitely open the wounds and hurt. It's never my intention to imply that it's only been X months, you should be over it, because frankly, I was heartbroken for a few years and am still quite pissed about it whenever I hear anything about my ex.

 

But I do want to stress the importance of regaining control over your life and start taking active steps to making a better one for yourself. You dont want to become one of those bitter people in life who blame their past from 30 years ago for ruining their life today. Go ahead and be mad C. Be real mad. Be so mad that you'll be DAMNED if you'll let him ruin your future too.

 

You ask a whole slew of questions on WHY. Sometimes you do not need to know the answer to WHY in order to still make a positive change in your life.

 

For me, one of the first things I did was I started to watch my internal dialog, and everytime I told myself I was ugly, no one would love me, there must be something wrong with me, I stopped myself, and honestly questioned if those statements were true or not. I recalled all the things my family and friends have said to me and realized those thoughts I told myself contradicted what everyone else was saying about me.

 

I then actively made efforts in my life to protect myself from finding out information about my ex that I did not want to hear. I removed him from all my social networks. I removed friends from my life who couldnt respect the boundaries of not telling me anything about my ex. And I stopped _seeking_ information about him. That was a biggy, but I realized that when I SEEKED information, I always ended up hurt. I was actively hurting myself.

 

I also realized that mother and wife were just some roles in life that could define me, but they shouldnt be the sole and be all of what defines me. Because say as soon as I achieve them, is my life then over? Do I no longer have a purpose in life? No, it should continue to have meaning. I should continue to have things to strive for and grow from. To have a very fulfilling life I should have MORE than just wife and mother status. I could be a mother, a wife, a lover, a friend, a photographer, a chef, a traveler, an artist, a singer, a dancer, and so much more. So I just pretended to myself I already achieve those roles, and started to look for new things that could define me.

 

I then started to list off all the things I ever wanted to do in life. At first, a lot of the things were things I could never do with my ex because he'd ridicule it or he'd say it's not something I could achieve. I got a perverse sense of pleasure from doing things I could never have done while I was with my ex. And the more I tried new things, the more fun I had. It was an excellent way of boosting my self esteem because I could see my accomplishments. As time passed, those new things embraced my life and gave it a completely new meaning, and I'm very thankful to have those things in my life. And weird thing was, I would never have done it, or realized it's worth had I not gone through the pain of divorce. It was because of my divorce I found meaning in life.

 

I know you can have a great life C. But only if you really really want it! You might not be able to plan all the exact details of when and how things will play out for you, but you can still have a great exciting life IF you decide too.

[MissXena]

You ask a whole slew of questions on WHY. Sometimes you do not need to know the answer to WHY in order to still make a positive change in your life.

 

 

It never matters *why* other people do things. What matters is that this creep was thoughtless, careless and inconsiderate enough to do it at all. What does matter, C9, is what are *you* going to do to stop beating yourself up for something someone else did? What you are feeling has nothing to do with your ex - this is all about you and how you see yourself. So, take him out of the equation, stop blaming him for how you feel, and focus on yourself.

[Gunny376]

Gunny, I *love* the metaphor but, it's GriffiTH, not Griffin.

 

Carry on.

 

 

You try spellin' when you've been drinking Jack Daniels!

[MissXena]

You try spellin' when you've been drinking Jack Daniels!

 

Crown Royal for me........

[Gunny376]

Crown Royal for me........

 

Barclay Scotch! $60 a fifth!

 

Hell I can't spell worth a damn when I'm sober! I've got a thumbed-well Websters Spelling Dictrionary that's lost its cover. Math I can do, English and spelling?

 

I've noticed a co-relation in that! People that do well in math don't do so well in literature and English. People that do well in literature and English don't do so well in math and science.

 

Typing on this lap-top sitting in my recliner doesn't help either! Damn thing has a mind of its own!

[Confused9]

I am just shocked by how far I have come in the past couple of weeks. Something just clicked in my head. I try not to look at his myspace because I know it will only hurt me. I am talking myself through things and trying to be positive. I am seriously doing so much to improve myself. I have accepted that my x is happy and loves his wife and is right where he should be. I sincerly believe that we weren't made for each other and I am glad that we aren't together anymore. I would NOT have wanted my children to grow up with an alcoholic father. I didn't want that for myself either. The way he ended things was awful...and I am not agreeing with it...but I am coming to terms with it.

 

I need to let go and I belive I have. It's not healthy for me to 'stalk' his life through the computer and it isn't fair to continue to hurt myself. Dgiirl was right. I was hurting myself. He isn't calling me screaming how happy he is from the rooftops. I don't think it's fair to announce it all over myspace since our friends can see it, but, he's a d*ck and that's what he's going to do...so be it.

 

As a side note:

I applied for a promotion at work and I got it!!! I am so excited.

 

Anyway, the point of my post was I just replied to someone and I couldn't believe what I was writing. More importantly, I couldn't believe that I meant every word of it! I just thought I would copy and past it in here for all you to see. WWIU, Dgiirl, Gunny, John30 and everyone who has helped me throughout this whole thing - THANK YOU! I honestly didn't know where to turn some days and this place was everything to me. THANK YOU!!!!!!

 

OK read on..

 

As much as I know you are hoping that she wants you back and trying to read in to everything she is saying...you need to realize that she isn't saying anything of the sort and if she wants you back...you need to make her work for it. She should be saying everything V says. I made a mistake. I love you, etc etc.

 

I know how tramitizing this is. My x fiance (we actually were engaged 5 years ago today!) broke up with me in October and was extremely cruel. He got married to the OW two weeks ago and she is pregnant. I wanted him to come back so bad regardless of what he did because I loved him. But, I am beginning to realize the person I loved and fell in love with is not the person I thought he was.

 

I heard this quote yesterday and things just snapped in my head.

 

The villians in your life are really your greatest teachers. Because without them you wouldn't have learned the valueable lessons.

 

The world works in mysterious ways. I honestly believe there is something out there for me that I wouldn't have found if I was with my x. And he is having a child - a child that him and I would not have made together. Perhaps, that was him purpose in meeting the OW? We weren't letting go of something that wasn't right...so the universe took control.

 

I actually met with a pyschic years ago and she said 'you know you don't want to be with your b/f. He's not right for you.' She also told me I would lead him to his soulmate. Well, if it wasn't for me he would have never gone to a different state to work to pay for the wedding and he would have never met the OW. AS much as it hurts me that she may be his soulmate and he may live happlily ever after. I have accepted it.

 

Now, it's my turn and the only person that can make me happy is me...

 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do...

[whichwayisup]

Well, I knew something in you would click shortly after he got married. Think that's called reality check and it hit you, and you've accepted that. You had no choice but to accept it. If you didn't accept it and kept on going the way you were going before the wedding, you'd be doing ALOT of damage to you! So good on you for realizing this! Be proud because you've done tons of work, tons of thinking, crying and talking this out to get to this point.

[Gunny376]

Can't add much except "Welcome to the Otherside" to "waiting to exhale" We were all wondering what took you so long?

 

Your a stronger ~ better person now! The change is forever! The next guy that "earns" your love and deovition is going to be one luckey SOB!

 

It won"t come easy, he'll have to work and slave for it ~ but? It will be worth it!

[pelicanpreacher]

OK read on..

 

As much as I know you are hoping that she wants you back and trying to read in to everything she is saying...you need to realize that she isn't saying anything of the sort and if she wants you back...you need to make her work for it. She should be saying everything V says. I made a mistake. I love you, etc etc.

 

I know how tramitizing this is. My x fiance (we actually were engaged 5 years ago today!) broke up with me in October and was extremely cruel. He got married to the OW two weeks ago and she is pregnant. I wanted him to come back so bad regardless of what he did because I loved him. But, I am beginning to realize the person I loved and fell in love with is not the person I thought he was.

 

I heard this quote yesterday and things just snapped in my head.

 

The villians in your life are really your greatest teachers. Because without them you wouldn't have learned the valueable lessons.

 

The world works in mysterious ways. I honestly believe there is something out there for me that I wouldn't have found if I was with my x. And he is having a child - a child that him and I would not have made together. Perhaps, that was him purpose in meeting the OW? We weren't letting go of something that wasn't right...so the universe took control.

 

I actually met with a pyschic years ago and she said 'you know you don't want to be with your b/f. He's not right for you.' She also told me I would lead him to his soulmate. Well, if it wasn't for me he would have never gone to a different state to work to pay for the wedding and he would have never met the OW. AS much as it hurts me that she may be his soulmate and he may live happlily ever after. I have accepted it.

 

Now, it's my turn and the only person that can make me happy is me...

 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do...

 

Don't read too much into that one. Even scorpions and spiders have to procreate and, more often than not, there's few happy endings to those unions either!

 

As a side note, now that he is finally married, you can turn the channel on his soap opera because it gets boring and predictable from here on. Trust me, you'll actually sleep through the ending!

[Confused9]

haha.

 

I was so suprised because I thought yesterday was going to be a hard day with it being our 'engagement anniversary' but I didn't even cry.

 

I can't say that I am not lonely and that I don't wish for love, but not his love. I could care less if he loved me...because to be honest...he doesn't even deserve to love me let alone for me to love him. I know some days are going to be hard. I know I will still think of him. Just like I did this morning. I know I will still replay things in my head...but...it's different now. I don't know how but it just changed.

 

My BFF (best friend forever not big fat friend, Gunny!) got married two weeks ago and it was AMAZING. I was the happiest bridesmaid who ever walked down the aisle. I seriously was grinning from ear to ear. I think that's when it turned. When I saw them speak their vows and saw how much they deeply love each other and have a 'story book romance' and I thought...I want that. But, not with a sweaty, alcoholic, jerk off!

 

My x may be a wonderful man to his new wife (for now) but it's really none of my concern. Will I ever get that apology I so wanted months back? Who knows...but I don't even care.

 

I made a vision wall on Sunday of all the things I want out of life...I cut saying out of magazines and the majority were about picking myself up from here 'happier than ever", "Grab Life", "FUN", "Starting over", "I am the sum of my small steps", and my favorite "When you're strong, you sparkle". There are a bunch of other things on there too but I kept looking at it thinking...this really could be the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

I haven't lived in my 27 years. I have never even been on a plane! So now, it's my turn to do things for me. To explore things I would never do with my X.

 

I can't wait to see what life brings my way...good or bad...I know...there's a purpose for why it's happening to me. A lesson for me to learn.

 

Thanks,

 

'not so confused anymore' 9

[sumdude]

haha.

 

Will I ever get that apology I so wanted months back? Who knows...but I don't even care.

 

I made a vision wall on Sunday of all the things I want out of life...I cut saying out of magazines and the majority were about picking myself up from here 'happier than ever", "Grab Life", "FUN", "Starting over", "I am the sum of my small steps", and my favorite "When you're strong, you sparkle". There are a bunch of other things on there too but I kept looking at it thinking...this really could be the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

I haven't lived in my 27 years. I have never even been on a plane! So now, it's my turn to do things for me. To explore things I would never do with my X.

 

I can't wait to see what life brings my way...good or bad...I know...there's a purpose for why it's happening to me. A lesson for me to learn.

 

Thanks,

 

'not so confused anymore' 9

 

As someone who did get an apology.. of sorts...

 

It didn't really make me feel any better. She did it for herself not for me. Kind of confused me for a second then I thought.. why now? Should have thought of that before you did it right? It's not like it was all an accident.

 

"You know when I ran over your arm that time?. Then backed up and ran over your leg... thought about it, turned around and ran over your dog?" "Sorry about that.."

 

lol

 

Any forgiveness for them is a gift you give to yourself.

 

and yeah... part of me is still a bit angry but that's ok.. it reminds me to never let another have that kind of power over me.

 

Nice to see you looking forward... in a way I kind of wish my ex would go on and get remarried. They say there's a sucker born every minute. Surely closes the book right?

[Confused9]

Yeah, I know.

 

I guess in the beginning I didn't want an apology as much as a crying man on my doorstep begging me to take him back.

 

I really wanted to be the 'one that got away'. I couldn't deal with the fact that he wasn't in love with me anymore.

 

While that realization still stings a bit...it isn't the primary focus of my daily life as it was just last month.

 

I do with for him to be happy. I guess I just wanted to be happy first. But, my idea of happy was: 'the only way I can be happy is if I have a person to share my life with' Now I realize that isn't true. I wish him the best. What he did to me during the end was AWFUL. However, the last month of our relationship and the few months following are just snipits of time compared to the years we spent together. He was a good man to me. He treated me well, etc. I thank him for that...but, I also thank him for leaving. Now I realize it was the best thing...for both of us.

[dgiirl]

While that realization still stings a bit...it isn't the primary focus of my daily life as it was just last month.

 

Confused, I knew this would happen for you. I already saw progress in you in your last few posts. You were starting to heal. You were starting to realize your self worth and you knew what he did to you was wrong.

 

Thoughts of him will sting for a while. So the only logical thing to do is to stop picking at those wounds and refocus your thoughts to better happier things You will have some down times. So dont get upset or frustrated with yourself if/when you do. But keep this lesson in the back of your mind. If you can feel this good NOW, you can in the future too! It all depends on what you allow yourself to focus on

 

Btw, this is an excellent time for you to start to become more independent and start doing things you've never done before! It's an exciting time and VERY liberating. And the great thing about it, when the time comes for your next relationship, you WILL not be as complacent as you once were. You will ask for more and you WILL get it. Maybe not in the exact time frame as you wish, BUT it will come! Never lose hope on that!

[Confused9]

Thanks dgiirl.

 

It does feel quite liberating actually. I think the point where I was like, enough is enough is when I looked on his myspace and it said 'moving in to the house' and I was furious. How does he get to buy a home while I am working two jobs paying the debt that we both incurred and living in an apartment. Then I said to myself...why are you looking at this? You know it is only going to hurt you and you continue to look. If you didn't look...you wouldn't know. Plus, who cares if he is buying a house. It's probably a trailer. It probably isn't the mansion you imagine and it probably doesn't have stainless steel appliances and a pool. Even if it did, it isn't yours so you shouldn't care. (not that I am saying I need all those things or a trailer is bad...I dind't come from a trailer but my house was falling apart and my mom never had money. The only reason why my house was nicer later in life is because it burned down and had to be rebuilt. I came from nothng and am happy with ANY roof over my head...I am just saying how I imagine it to be this grand thing...and it probably isn't).

 

Self talk has become extremely important. When my thoughts start to wander I stop myself. I think of something postive, even the littlest thing, and focus on that.

 

I need to shift my thinking. Sure, I miss what we had and it makes me sad...but...I am beginning to realize we weren't right for each other. He made me mad more than he made me laugh. I have more money now than I did when I was with him and we had two salaries coming in. I have less debt even though I am paying it off by myself. I am paying my rent, on time. I got a promotion at work...I am happy with life. Lonely, but happy.

 

Plus, I would much rather be me than him. I only have to live with what he did and heal from it. He has to live with what he did to me. Even if he doesn't show that he cares...he has to think about it. And I would never want that on my conscience. And, he is having a baby and married...his life as he knew it, his freedom as he knew it...is done. I am just beginning.

 

He may be happy with the wife and the family...I on the other hand don't want that right now...I would like to find love, but...I know I dont' need it to be happy!