PG Love Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 I have been involved with MM for 4 months and separated from my husband for 2 months. MM has been separated for a couple of weeks and has been at my house 3-4 days/nights and staying with friends the other couple of nights because he lives 2 1/2 hours away. We are looking at a plan to move in together in the coming months, but my divorce won't be final for 10 more months. His wife is filing for adultery so thier divorce will be finalized sooner. He has asked me to marry him when my D is finalized and I really think it will work out this time, but looking for some reassurance. Have you married the OM/MM and had it work out in your favor? Little background: I am 30 with 3 small kids, he is 50 with 2 grown children. He knows the stakes of taking on a marriage with me and my children and I've slowly been introducing them and the interactions have gone much better than expected. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 The statistics look bad... but are you really worried about statistics? It's all about the two of you and how dedicated to making things work. What are you willing to do to make this work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PG Love Posted May 29, 2008 Author Share Posted May 29, 2008 We are both committed and aren't worried about statistics (although everyone I talk to wants to point them out to me). We are both willing to do anything to make this work! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 Have you married the OM/MM and had it work out in your favor? My father married his OW, and they're still together, as in love as ever. I'll be marrying my MM as soon as his D is finalised (his W is stalling, so no saying how long it will take...) Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 You've been involved with him for four months, and seperated from your H for two months? How long did you know him prior to the affair beginning? Honestly, even if this weren't an affair, I'd have grave concerns for the pace at which you're doing this, especially combined with the age differences and children that are going to have to get used to this massive change. Did both of your spouses agree immediately to the divorce(s)? Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 My dad married his ow also & they've been together for years & years now. TF Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 Four months of an affair, both of you on the rebound, both separated less than a few months, both facing undoubtedly nasty contested divorces and custody issues for you, a generation gap, and the baggage from both marriages? Sorry, but I think you'd have a better chance winning the lottery than this working out. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 Wow, I concur. This isnt gona be a fairytale ending. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 I dunno...it could be a fairy tale ending. Of course, I'm thinking of endings along the lines of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf", or other ones with those really sad and dreadful endings. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 I dunno...it could be a fairy tale ending. Of course, I'm thinking of endings along the lines of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf", or other ones with those really sad and dreadful endings. I am more concerned with such a big age gap....Good Luck to you, Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 We are both committed and aren't worried about statistics (although everyone I talk to wants to point them out to me). We are both willing to do anything to make this work! The truth is that if your both willing to put in the work then roll up your sleeves and don't worry. Your long term success depends on you working together and building something. Statistics are worthless to you because while all the numbers together show patterns, each situation assorts individually. All that said. Owl has outlined some serious concerns that you two should be talking about! Especially since it seems you both have a history of not picking spouses correctly. Also... consider the effect this may have on your children both if it works, and if it doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 I have been involved with MM for 4 months and separated from my husband for 2 months. MM has been separated for a couple of weeks and has been at my house 3-4 days/nights and staying with friends the other couple of nights because he lives 2 1/2 hours away. We are looking at a plan to move in together in the coming months, but my divorce won't be final for 10 more months. His wife is filing for adultery so thier divorce will be finalized sooner. He has asked me to marry him when my D is finalized and I really think it will work out this time, but looking for some reassurance. Have you married the OM/MM and had it work out in your favor? Stop worrying about how it worked out for others and concentrate on working it out for your R...If you think it will, that's what matters... Alot of people on LS know people it has worked for and hasn't worked for... Your outcome is what matters, don't let doubt take hold... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 I have been involved with MM for 4 months and separated from my husband for 2 months. MM has been separated for a couple of weeks and has been at my house 3-4 days/nights and staying with friends the other couple of nights because he lives 2 1/2 hours away. We are looking at a plan to move in together in the coming months, but my divorce won't be final for 10 more months. His wife is filing for adultery so thier divorce will be finalized sooner. He has asked me to marry him when my D is finalized and I really think it will work out this time, but looking for some reassurance. Have you married the OM/MM and had it work out in your favor? Little background: I am 30 with 3 small kids, he is 50 with 2 grown children. He knows the stakes of taking on a marriage with me and my children and I've slowly been introducing them and the interactions have gone much better than expected. Me..me.. I didn't marry but I lived common-law for 18 years with him.. after 11 years of being the OW... I was 26, he was 37. It was 'amazing' for the last 6 years..then it went downward for the last 12.. until the day I just couldn't hear him breathe.. I don't believe you can last that long, to be honest, the age gap is too big IMO... and I just don't think it will last, not because it was an A.. just because any marriage or common-law don't last IMO.. but that's just me.. I don't believe in long term, one of the partner ALWAYS get bored. Link to post Share on other sites
GPFan Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Four months of an affair, both of you on the rebound, both separated less than a few months, both facing undoubtedly nasty contested divorces and custody issues for you, a generation gap, and the baggage from both marriages? Sorry, but I think you'd have a better chance winning the lottery than this working out. Ditto! No one is saying it can't work but the odds and obstacles you are facing here are large, important ones. You will have to face that you can't 'just get married' like most other folks. You will need a plan-of-action to mitigate the negative forces you face. This includes exes, children (grown may be the most difficult to handle actually), friends taking sides, neighbours, co-workers, buyer's remorse, rebound issues, and ongoing vicious divorces. Wow! Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Hello PGL. You say you've been involved with him for 4 months, how long have you known him? I agree with those who have said this is all rather quick. He's only been out of the house a couple of weeks, but he's asked you to marry him hmmm. And moving in so soon with someone (it seems) you hardly know? I think it would have a better chance of survival if you get to know each other slowly (if this isn't already the case, it wasn't clear from the OP), getting to know each others families at the same time and allowing them and yourselves to adjust to new circumstances. But, as you can see from the responses, it's not unheard of for former MM/OW to get together and it all work out. Those 'statistics' you've heard of are actually misrepresented data from a single survey, so I'd forget them if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PG Love Posted May 30, 2008 Author Share Posted May 30, 2008 Okay I had this great long post and it got eaten LOL, so let me try again. Well let me answer a few questions and concerns. I have only known OM for 4 months and we are still getting to know one another day by day. We are not planning on actually getting married until probably late next year but will hopefully be moving in together next month. Our spouses have agreed to uncontested divorces and on my end custody and visitation has been agreed apon outside of court. My H knows about OM and isn't happy about the time he is spending with the kids, but realizes that he is a permanent part of my life and is staying out of it. OM's wife is angry and bitter (which is to be expected) and will file for adultery and we'll have to see where that leads. I know that I never would have married H if we had spent more time together or lived together prior to getting married. I have learned a lot durring the past 11 years of marriage and I am using that to better myself for this relationship. Yes, we went about it all wrong and the situation isn't the best, but we do love each other very much and are willing to make the sacrifices. We have both been through a lot during the past couple of months with spouses and family and it probably should have torn us apart, but in reality it's only made us stronger and more determined. The age gap is an issue for a lot of people, but not for us. He is not a typical 50 year old and we have discussed the issues that may arise in the future. We are both fully committed to making this work. My children are still adjusting to the situation, but they seem to be taking it well and as long as H and I are there for them amicably and OM can be supportive than I think that all will be okay. My family is not supportive of this at all and I knew going in that that would be the case. They are highly religious and don't believe in cohabitating which is why I got married in the first place. I can move on now and get past this for my happiness. I know it seems very fast, but I think when you know you have the right one then it doesn't matter, because it's not going to change in time. Thanks again for the replies! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 I know it seems very fast, but I think when you know you have the right one then it doesn't matter, because it's not going to change in time. My wife felt the exact same way about her OM when she got ready to fly away and live with him shortly after d-day. She wouldn't listen to anyone else's thoughts or opinions on the matter either. Her family, her friends, everyone tried to get her to slow down and think things out. Luckily, things conspired against her and she didn't get on the plane. End result...we're four years into a recovered marriage, and she's happier than ever that she didn't throw away our 16 years (at the time) of marriage. At this point, she can't even see why she was acting the way that she was. She can clearly see NOW the things that would have become HUGE issues in her relationship with him...things that she totally glossed over as minor (like the age issue in your case). Good luck to you...maybe you will prove everyone wrong. If so, please come back and post to us how it worked out. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 We are not planning on actually getting married until probably late next year but will hopefully be moving in together next month. Why the rush? Moving in a month from now will not help anyone in this situation - not you, not your kids, not him, not your exes. All it will do is quickly shatter the wishful thinking that makes an affair so exciting and seemingly full of hope. You'll both realize that neither of you was running toward the other, you were running away from unhappy marriages. Both of you need transition time. Seriously. Any chance you two could live separately while you transition your children through this divorce? Moving daddy out and a month later moving "mommy's boyfriend" in will have some serious repercussions down the road. Kids can handle divorce just fine if done well and with a lot of support and time - but when you tear their lives apart in a four month period, and replace daddy in a month with a man you've only known a few months you will be setting them up for a lifetime of emotional problems. Can't your love manage separate residences and a slower pace - something more along the lines of living together a year from now, followed by marriage a year after that? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 My children are still adjusting to the situation, but they seem to be taking it well and as long as H and I are there for them amicably and OM can be supportive than I think that all will be okay. Your family is probably unsupportive because they care... and because what you have done is wrong. Everyone can agree that this was not done in the best way. However, I am sure that if you prove to them that you regret HOW things went down... not the results, and that you show them you will make better choices moving forward, they will be supportive in the future. I don't know your family, but that is how most highly religious families are. In regards to the children. Why not keep them away from OM until after the divorces are final? Also, background check him for their safety! It will also show your STBXH, that you are being responsible, and assuage some of his fears. Link to post Share on other sites
biffster Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 I wouldn't worry too much about the pace of things ... he is much older, and you are in your thirties ... you are not children anymore, and this doesn't sound like a fling ... my point is, you are old enough to know what you want, you have both been married before so you understand maybe more so than others why marraiges may fail, and what is needed to (that you didn't have before) to truly make a good marraige... ... you have experience, he has asked you to marry him ... i wouldn't think in terms of this being a rebound thing .... How is it when you are together? Do you believe that you are both committed to making this work? Those are the real questions ... and if you are both committed to it, and value and respect each other, I don't see a reason for it not to work .. .and I wouldn't look for one! There are too many situations out there that don't work, and to focus on those, would not be good for you ... just take it as it comes and try not to worry ... he wants to be with you, and you want to be with him ... accept that for what it is, and focus on the positive!! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Stupidity has no age limit. Slow down, if nothing but your kids sake. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 My H knows about OM and isn't happy about the time he is spending with the kids, but realizes that he is a permanent part of my life and is staying out of it. OM's wife is angry and bitter (which is to be expected) and will file for adultery and we'll have to see where that leads. Why are you involving your children with the OM so quickly? Let them adjust to losing their life as they know in the sense of you, your (ex)H IN the family home as a family. Your husband (I take it you're not officially divorced yet?) has every right to be upset on the amount of time the OM is spending with HIS children right now. You've only known the OM for 4 months!! I know that I never would have married H if we had spent more time together or lived together prior to getting married Apply this logic into controlling the amount of time the OM spends with your kids. Why is it OK for him (OM) to be involved and see your kids so much, when YOU feel you need time to get to know OM and not rush into marriage, like you did with your husband? It makes no sense, and it isn't fair for your kids. I really hope that you slow down and let the kids dictate on when and IF they want to be around OM so much. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 I know it seems very fast, but I think when you know you have the right one then it doesn't matter, because it's not going to change in time. Almost every divorcing couple once thought they "had the right one", and..? It did change in time. People change. And seldom in synch with each other. So yes, it may work - but it may not. Keep an open mind on that. I don't consider the age gap to be a biggie at all. My father is 25 years older than his W (xOW) and as I've said, 20 years down the line, they're happier than ever. I've had several Rs with men more than 20 years older than me and it's never been a problem. But what may be a problem is how quickly you set up home together. Make sure you have a Plan B in place it doesn't work out the way you (or he) hoped - that you're not over-committed financially so that you can't afford to move out, that you don't have to disrupt the kids lives too much (moving schools, losing friends, etc) and that you stay in contact with your friends, family (yes, even them) and colleagues so that you have a good support system intact in case you should need it. It may all work out great - and let's hope it does - but keep your Plan B in place in case it does not. There are love stories out there as well as horror stories - believe whichever you wish, but plan for the worst while hoping for the best so that whichever way it happens for you, you're not unprepared. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 I'll be marrying my MM as soon as his D is finalised (his W is stalling, so no saying how long it will take...) What happened to you saying in other posts that you like to date MM because you don't want anything from them and you don't to be tied down? Change your mind recently? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 What happened to you saying in other posts that you like to date MM because you don't want anything from them and you don't to be tied down? Change your mind recently? No. Some time back as it happens. I've moved into a different space now. Link to post Share on other sites
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