walking on egg shells...

[2honest_J]

need some advice.......

 

i've been married for 4 years and together for almost 5. Like all marriages we've had our ups and downs but we've always pulled through. The number 1 thing that i've always prided myself on is how honest we were. I don't do the little white lies, or hide anything from him. We hit a rough patch in our marriage when he was on his 2nd deployment and I told him that I love him, but i'm not in love with him. I was being selfish, because truth is it really had nothing to do with him. I found a great job and I was starting to be the person I was before I met him. I started to be independent again and loved how it made me feel. But I told him when he got back we'll figure things out and I'll try to make it work.

 

When he got back, we talked, fought, cried and found our way back to each other. Everything was good and we were happy. I'd always ask how he was feeling and everything was fine.

 

Then my husband, gets orders to do a mission in Thailand for a month. We've been through two year long deployments so this was nothing. But it was something because instead of going to Afghanistan or Iraq, he's going to a place where there's a bar on every corner and girls that would do anything to come to the U.S. Before he left, we were stronger than we've ever been and happier. We'd always joke about him staying away from the Thailand whores and stuff but seems like the joke was on me.

 

When he got back from Thailand, right when he got into the car, something just didn't feel right. I even told him in the car when I felt it. But we both just shrugged it off. When we got home I asked him how Thailand was and what'd he do. And he tells me the first week they went bar hopping and drinking. He's had 4 wks to tell me this but he didn't. So i got mad and we just didn't talk for the whole day. Then next day comes and I'm doing something and told him u know u don't have to be here you can go.(meaning like upstairs or just go do something). But he just gets up, gets dressed and he's out the door like nobody's business. He's never done that b4. We've had major blow outs, but he's never left and now he leaves at something as minor as that. So i knew something was up. Anywayz the next day I see the signs that somethings going on. So i confront him about it. It was like pulling teeth just trying to get the truth.

 

He told me he met someone in Thailand the first week he got there at a bar. My heart just dropped and so did I. I couldn't take it. He starts telling me that he's alwayz been hurt since I told him that i wasn't in love with him anymore. He says that their just talking and they've never done anything. I believe him when he says they haven't done anything. But I told him b4 that I rather him just bang someone then have a relationship with someone with that "just talking" BS. He told me he likes her and has feelings for her. I ask what is it about her that he likes and he tells me he just feels comfortable around her and they have things in common. She's 27, her parents died and has no one. I mean if this isn't the he wants to be her knight and shining armor bit idk what is. I know everything is new and exciting and she makes him feel good about himself, but I can't recreate those feelings when we first met, i'm not the type that needs that protection. But i really do need him. I love him so much and he just upped and moved on without letting me know. We were tying to have another child and were in talks of buying a house all b4 he left and now idk what to do.

 

I'm fighting so hard for him, but he can't even meet me half way. He tells me there's still a chance, but every time I think we're making some progress he starts to pull away again. I just find it so unfair because when I felt like that, I gave him the opportunity to fix things. I didn't stray and go look for the first person who showed me a bit of attention. I know what I want..and just wish he could figure out what he wants too. He says he's trying but he still talks to her. I'm just lost. I'm not angry or mad, even though I know I should be but the pain and hurt is just 2 much. I feel like i'm the third person in this relationship, yet i'm his wife. I told him while he's home or with me, BE HERE. And he has but when he goes to the store or just disappears for a while I know he's talking to her and even when he's at work. So when he comes back he's distant again. Should I let him go?? Should I keept fighting?? I wish someone could just tell me what to do, cause i'm so lost right now.

[v33]

Well... telling someone you are "not in love with them" anymore is a big bomb to drop. And most guys know that that statement means you are looking to move on. If that wasn't the case, sorry, but you can't just say something like that and not expect it to have an effect.

 

Are you surprised he met someone on deployment? Considering he must have felt that you were preparing to move on without him it's not surprising.

 

It's hard to put away the past... you will always wonder if he did do something, and he will always wonder if you really love him.....

 

Can you two work it out? Possibly... but it takes two very motivated people who do love each other very much to get past trust issues.

 

It's going to take some really honest communication and a long time to work things out. I suggest you spend a lot of time reading posts here and doing some soul searching before deciding what course of action to take.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why did you tell him you didnt love him anymore?

 

That really hurts a man to his core.

 

Walk away wives and cheaters on this board often tell their husbands and loved one's the exact same thing.

'

That really sucks.

 

If you want your husband back, you got to fight for him.

[Billy Bob]

Well... telling someone you are "not in love with them" anymore is a big bomb to drop.

 

I agree, that did in my marriage.. what powerful words to crush someone!

[Gunny376]

These things never last and never work out ~ I know. I've seen it time and time again for over 20 years. Its very rare for a serviceman to be go overseas and bring someone back to the states. The logistics of it is a nightmare ~ its possible ~ and do-able ~ but damn near impossible even beofr 9/11 and the current immigration crisis, where any and all immigrants are being scrutinied.

 

First off I beleive that more than likely they were just bar-room buddies, and most of them never hook up for sex. Most of these "bar-girls" are normal women, many with morals, ethical and even very deep rooted religious beliefs ~ they're just trying to make it day to day in a very hard world that most American women couldn't even to begin to comprehend. Many of them are very educated.

 

And most of them are going to give you the "I Love You! No Shirt! Take me to the land of the Big PX and WalMart!" speech ~ but most servicemen know its just BS and for the moment!

 

When it comes to Thailand? Is she even a woman?

 

When we would hit a port of call, I would find a half-way decent bar to camp out for the duration while in country. Our first night in town, I wouldn't let "tha' boys" go anywhere else except that bar, so they would know where to find me in case one of them got into trouble with the local police or the SP's. If I got to them soon enough, I might could get them back to the ship.

 

I had one Staff Sergeant that hooked up with a local Thai girl. They got to kissing and trying to eat each other's ears off, and it got so bad, my other Marines kept throwing quarters at them, telling them to get a room. He requested permission to leave, and with his being a staff sergeant I told him to go ahead!

 

A half-hour latter? He came back and exclaimed that she was a dude!

 

Well he shouldn't have done that, because it was the first month of a six month cruise. He caught Hell for the other five months!

 

I doubt that happened ~ and it was probally nothing more than just "talk" and being "home-sick:

 

During my experience of 20 years in the Corps, married guys hung with married guys, and single guys ran with single guys. If you were married? You caught a lot of flack for acting like a single guy. AKA ~ you were a scumbag! Married guys pretty much stayed at camp, at the clubs, shot some pool, played some cards, cooked out, while the single guys ran out into "Tha Ville"

 

You and he just need to "re-connect" which your going to have to do after each deployment. I would recommend that you read, ""Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus" and "Light His Fire", and "When Mars and Venus Collide"

 

This will help you understand men "caving" and "rubber-banding" which is what he's doing right now. You might also want to Goggle the website by the same names.

[Woggle]

When you told him you are not in love with him you gave his heart a beating and he probably figures the divorce is going to happen sooner or later so he met somebody else. To be quite honest the only reason this probably bothers you is that he already has a replacement lined up instead of groveling and begging. If he dropped her and commited you in a few years you will probably drop another bomb? Did you really expect that not to have any effect on him?

[Gunny376]

When you told him you are not in love with him you gave his heart a beating and he probably figures the divorce is going to happen sooner or later so he met somebody else. To be quite honest the only reason this probably bothers you is that he already has a replacement lined up instead of groveling and begging. If he dropped her and commited you in a few years you will probably drop another bomb? Did you really expect that not to have any effect on him?

 

 

Agreeded!

 

But you and I ~ are Vets at this Woggle! This guys aren't! Most poster's at LS are less than 30. I'm 51.

[Woggle]

Agreeded!

 

But you and I ~ are Vets at this Woggle! This guys aren't! Most poster's at LS are less than 30. I'm 51.

 

I am 29 and I know the deal already. Some men your age still don't get it and they might never get it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I told him while he's home or with me, BE HERE. And he has but when he goes to the store or just disappears for a while I know he's talking to her and even when he's at work. So when he comes back he's distant again. Should I let him go?? Should I keept fighting?? I wish someone could just tell me what to do, cause i'm so lost right now.

 

I know every guy here is saying the same thing, and it's very true... when you told him that your no long "In Love", you killed something.

 

To fix it... you need to understand why. My guess is that you killed his trust in you. You may think of yourself as completely honest, but he doesn't know that for sure. Once you put doubt into the relationship... it's very hard to get rid of it. Does he think you had an affair back then?

 

More importantly, he wants to know that your committed to him. Often we men see that as need based. This other woman seems to need him, you have actively worked to seek independence. Which may not particularly be a negative... except that when you did, it made you want to leave him.

 

I know your feeling lost. The fact is that you have pretty much everything on your side if you want to get him back. He has a fairly low attachment to this OW, she is a long ways away, and the whole thing is about you anyway.

 

This leaves you with two questions to answer. Do you really deep down love him and want him? I'm not talking just right now... I'm talking 50 years from now.

 

What steps are you willing to take to get him back?

[2honest_J]

Ok first off, yah I know what I did was wrong. But i've been hurt in the past by lies so when I first started out with my husband I decided and told him that If we're not honest with each other about anything and everything then I'm not the one for him. N he's the only one I've been like this with. We have a no holds bar, honest to God relationship. I say what I think and what I feel when i'm feeling it. I don't hold things in because its not in me anymore. N I married him because I'm committed to him and If I cant be 100% honest with someone that I'm pledging my life to, then whats the point?

 

I know that telling him that I wasn't in love with him anymore was selfish of me. But I can't change that. N since that time I've always asked him is he ok? does he still love me? is anything wrong? N there wasn't. I know my husband inside and out thats how I could feel something wasn't right just in the first few seconds when he got into the car. I didn't ever feel that since we've been together or even after he got back from his deployment.

 

I know I can't change the past but like I even told him its what you do after u f*ck up that counts. When he got back after his deployment I stuck it out, i didn't give up and met him half way. N if your asking me is it a surprise that he found someone else. Yah, it is. But at the same time I know its because its the second time any woman has ever showed him any type of attention. me being the first. I was the first person that showed him any attention since he's been stationed here. I was the first person that gave him the time of day. N thats why i'm scared for him. I don't want him to hurt like i'm hurting if she's only doing this to get out of thailand. He told me she doesn't like it there and has nobody there. So i'm scared for him. That in case we do get a divorce, he'll be hurt again if he brings her over and gets screwed.

[2honest_J]

First off, I really really wanna thank everyone for their input. Especially from a vet or man's point of view. And in response to Untouchable Fire, no he didn't think I cheated him. Because he knows if I ever did go that route, I'd tell him.

 

N yes, I truly deep down love him. N I've always told him he's the only one I can see myself 30 or 40 years down the line. He's the only person I can see myself growing old with.

[alexg]

this is happening to me too except my husband lives home, he owns a club and enjoys the "talking thing' caught him too many damn time and I'm pissed..don't give him anymore chances!! I still need to get myself right after raising his 4 kids..this sux

[Gunny376]

To the OP ~ the OW is a mist, a fog, a cloud. He doesn't have the resources, the clout, the money to bring her over ~ so not going to happen!

 

Its what we call in the Marines DSP ~ Duty Station P*****!" It all good and last as long as while I'm in port! After that? Its nothing but a dream!

 

Not to say anything happened ~ just to say if he were single ~ fell in love ~ it would take a lot to get her Stateside.

 

For a Marine to marry a forgein-national requires a letter has to go up the chain of command, he has to get the Platoon Commander to endorse it, then the Company Commander, then the Battalion Commander, then the Regimential Commander, then the Divisionsal Commander, and then it goes up to the Fleet Marine Force Commander (Three Star General) along with endorsements from Chaplians etc.

 

That's even before they start on Visa and passports.

 

If he's already married then that complicates things ~ as adultery is still a violation of the UCMJ! (As is forenication ~ sex with anyone not you lawful wedded wife)

 

The OW has ZERO chance against you!