I think my partner has borderline personality disorder

[Raiatea]

I have thought I was going crazy for a long time, but today I think I had a breakthrough.

 

(Quick background: he is very controlling, stops talking to me for stupid reasons, I am constantly walking on eggshells, blackmails me into doing things by "punishing behaviour" etc etc).

 

Anyway, we had a fight this morning. I am terrible at slamming car doors as I get out, and because he had warned me before but I still slammed the door, he said he had had enough. He now isn't talking to me and will probably send me a text message later on in the day telling me that "you've got me thinking about us" or "considering my options with us".

 

I got upset for a while but then started looking through websites loking for what could possibly be wrong with me that I make him behave this way. I came across a questionaire for partners of people with BPD. So I answered all the questions and was shocked at the results. A score over 20 means that someone has a very high chance of having BPD. He scored 46.

 

So what do I do now? He thinks something is wrong with me and thinks counselling or therapy is ridiculous. If I tell him that I think he has BPD he will probably make me leave the house and throw my stuff onto the street.

 

Anyone dealt with people with BPD before? I have read a little on the internet but have found nothing that I can do to help him/us.

[blind_otter]

Unfortunately, it's like any other psychological issue - sure you can tell him you think he needs help, but if he doesn't see the need to get help, then nothing that you do will force him to go.

 

But on a side note, I think it's bizarre that people feel the need to self-diagnose. If you feel that something is not right, go to a mental health professional. Do not go to the internet. Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex psychological issue - the truth is that according to most sources people with BPD tend to need extensive, longterm psychological help. A quiz on the internet is not qualified to diagnose anyone. A certified, licensed mental health professional is.

[Raiatea]

I was desperate for help. Help from anywhere (even the internet) may give me peace of mind and help me formulate a plan for the future.

 

if you've ever been that low then you would understand how much you cling to any lifeline, regardless of how stupid it seems to some people.

[blind_otter]

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2006. I am well aware how devestating this issue can be.

 

AFAIK the features of borderline personality disorder are pretty dramatic. 80% of people suffering from BPD are women. there are usually suicide attempts and/or suicidal ideation, and self injury involved with people who have BPD. They will have a quarrel and then cut themselves or put cigarettes out on themselves. Often, patients with BPD have brief psychotic episodes where they are completely cut off from reality for a short period of time.

 

BPD patients have extreme and quick mood swings - they have multiple mood swings in a day, or even in a matter of hours - they can go from happy to sad to enraged within a short span of time. With other issues like depression and bipolar mood disorder, the mood swings take longer.

 

BPD patients exhibit very impulsive behavior as well, when it comes to spending money, binge eating, or risky sexual behavior.

 

These are the DSM criteria for diagnosing BPD:

 

-Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]

-A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

-Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

-Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]

-Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars, or picking at oneself.

-Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

-Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

-Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

-Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

[climbergirl]

I have thought I was going crazy for a long time, but today I think I had a breakthrough.

 

(Quick background: he is very controlling, stops talking to me for stupid reasons, I am constantly walking on eggshells, blackmails me into doing things by "punishing behaviour" etc etc).

 

Anyway, we had a fight this morning. I am terrible at slamming car doors as I get out, and because he had warned me before but I still slammed the door, he said he had had enough. He now isn't talking to me and will probably send me a text message later on in the day telling me that "you've got me thinking about us" or "considering my options with us".

 

I got upset for a while but then started looking through websites loking for what could possibly be wrong with me that I make him behave this way. I came across a questionaire for partners of people with BPD. So I answered all the questions and was shocked at the results. A score over 20 means that someone has a very high chance of having BPD. He scored 46.

 

So what do I do now? He thinks something is wrong with me and thinks counselling or therapy is ridiculous. If I tell him that I think he has BPD he will probably make me leave the house and throw my stuff onto the street.

 

Anyone dealt with people with BPD before? I have read a little on the internet but have found nothing that I can do to help him/us.

 

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do if even suggesting he has BPD will get you kicked out of the house. I don't think your situation is any different than dating an alcoholic in that as long as he is in denial, or/and continues to blame you--you are completely helpless in the situation. And if your bf drinks a lot too, you are in for a ride you don't want to be on.

 

So forget for a moment that he may have BPD and just focus on how he is treating you. Of course when you hear repeatedly "you did this" or "you shouldn't have done that", you start to believe it and second guess yourself. Don't. My guess that his controlling behavior is only going to get worse and he'll continue to 'hold a gun' to your head every time he wants you to step back into line.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but there is nothing you can do to change him--so either accept your situation as is (which will probably get worse) or let him be someone else's problem.

[sb129]

Do you really want to invest so much energy into trying to make him "better"?

 

He treats you like shyte. I would just walk away. Its not up to you to "fix" him, especially if he is in some kind of denial.

 

My last BF had NPD, and leaving him was the best decision I made that year.

[Raiatea]

I guess leaving him is the only option. I imagine myself 10 years from now in exactly the same situation, maybe with a child and possibly married to him. At least I can leave now having lost nothing but a warm body lying next to me in bed.

 

I can't bear the thought of going through this crap for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks to all for replying.

[borelandkaren]

I guess leaving him is the only option. I imagine myself 10 years from now in exactly the same situation, maybe with a child and possibly married to him. At least I can leave now having lost nothing but a warm body lying next to me in bed.

 

I can't bear the thought of going through this crap for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks to all for replying.

 

Do not have children with this person, unless you are prepared to raise them completely on your own.