Guys, Be Honest Here -- Should I Tell?

[BornAgainStraightGal]

I am a 38 year old woman who is extremely stumped about where to go.

 

When I was 18, I met the man who was my first love, and he rejected me. He hurt me so badly that I entered the hospital with a nervous breakdown. I had several short-lived, ugly sexual relationships with other men, and then about a year later I decided I must be a lesbian, since I obviously wasn't making it work with men. I went on to have a dozen or so years of relationships with women, lasting from a few months to five years in duration. But when I was single, I also continued having occasional sexual relationships with men. I have been single and celibate for almost two years.

 

A couple of months ago, I had a dream about my first love, more or less out of the blue -- I hadn't thought about him in years. The dream was so affecting, that I started journaling and reading my old diaries from back when I met him in the early 1980s. As I read I began to realize that I'd slammed the door on letting men into my heart OR my life.

 

I try to be philosophical about it. I haven't had all that bad of a life, but I can't see myself ever being with a woman again -- I have felt that way since the last one I was with two years ago. But now, how do I start over after almost twenty years with women? I don't want to tell every guy I have a coffee date with about my interesting past, but I feel I *should* tell any man who seems to be someone I could get serious with.

 

Guys, if you were a guy I was going to go out with, how would you recommend I handle the question of "disclosure?" I am trying to spend time with old male friends from childhood to get me used to just being around straight men -- for almost twenty years, most of the guys I've spent time with were gay men. I feel like I need to pursue and explore the possibility of emotional intimacy with a man again, but I'm scared half out of my wits. Am I being unrealistic to think I could start over?

[Ryan]

It sounds like there are quite a few more details about you and your past....not pretty ones. You need to deal with those before you try to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE.

[Tony T]

You can certainly start over and you should be glad you've come to this conclusion before you lived your entire life without such careful review.

 

I do not recommend you disclose your sexual past to prospective partners. It's absolutely NONE of their business. Most would reconsider their association, not believe you were really changing after 25 years, and many would feel weird and uncomfortable being with a converted lesbian. Only the most extremely immature men in your age group would ask about your past anyway. Just plain keep your mouth shut.

 

There will be some on this board who will say that it's a matter of honesty to put all this past out on the table right up front. If you agree with them, go ahead and see where it gets you. Print out this post and read it again after that approach fails a few times.

 

You need to be agressive in your search for dates so get out there and make a start. Use every resource available to you. Good luck!

[Just A Girl2]

Originally posted by Ryan

It sounds like there are quite a few more details about you and your past....not pretty ones. You need to deal with those before you try to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE.

 

Not pretty ones? What's the big deal with what she's shared here? She's surely not the first or only woman out there who lived the lesbian lifestyle but went back to men. You make it sound like she's got some horrid, dirty dark deep secrets.

You sure do have a way with words, Ryan.

[Ryan]

Not pretty ones? What's the big deal with what she's shared here?

 

It's a series of reactions that are pretty shiny signals that this woman has some issues that developed before this "first love" and the ensuing aftermath. I'm not being radical in stamping that series of events as chaotic and self-destructive.

 

She's surely not the first or only woman out there who lived the lesbian lifestyle but went back to men.

 

Lifestyle? We're not talking about being vegetarian or moving to Italy for a year. It's not a fashion you simply don and shed with the times. You have a sexual orientation....period. Sexual ambivalence, which is being shown here, is a sign of some underlying issue.

[MercyRose]

I don't think you should go around telling men your past in the early stages of dating.

 

However, I do believe it will be better to admit to having a lesbian phase if things started to get serious with a guy.

 

He is entitled to know.

 

You don't have to tell him every detail, just mention the lesbian phase, possibly the reason you think you did it but keep it brief, lets say about 10% of the real truth and say 'its in the past' when probed.

 

If keeping a secret was that simple I would tell you not to say anything.

 

But:

 

1) You you feel burdened if you don't tell your prospective love 'the truth' and also you will not feel he loves and accepts you the way you are. This could ruin the relationship on your part and make you miserable inside and thereby affect the relationship as a whole.

 

2) You could run into a past female lover...and be found out the hard way and really destroy your relationship and maybe your emotional health.

 

I think there is a compromise between complete honesty and disclosing the real essence of the truth.

 

For your future well being and success of a relationship based on love, trust and acceptance I believe it is better to disclose the essence of your truth and nothing more to the man with whom you want to move onto a more serious relationship.

[BornAgainStraightGal]

Ryan, you are right that there are other issues. I posted a condensation of my situation because I'm new to this board and wanted to make sure my query would be taken seriously and not descended on by trolls.

 

The issue of sexual orientation is one I'm fighting against now too. For eighteen years I've thought of myself as a lesbian; well, in the last couple of years that identity has gradually fallen away. The last few women I dated, in the late 1990s up to 2001 when I stopped seeing women, were extremely butch types who didn't even want to acknowledge that they were women and didn't want me reciprocating sexually. I think that my seeking out women like that says something. I can remember what it felt like to desire a woman, but I don't desire them anymore.

 

There were definitely issues that preceded my involvement with my first love. I was plump as a teenager and have been fat as an adult. (I'm not one of those 400-pound women from the Oprah show, but I'm definitely not a size two, either). It has been difficult for me to meet partners -- women OR men -- who make me feel beautiful and desirable. That is one thing women HAVE done -- I have met more of them who can overlook the fact that I'm not Twiggy than I have men. A woman needs to feel like she is beautiful, the same way a man needs to feel like he is handsome.

 

In reading my journals from years ago, in the months before I met my first love, I dated two other men. One was from my class in high school, and his only real interest in me seemed to be how far he could get physically. I wasn't ready for sex at the time and I refused to submit to him, so we stopped seeing each other. I also dated the ex-husband of a friend. He was 33 and I was 18; needless to say, my parents put a stop to that one after a few dates. He was a nice guy, but I have to wonder now why he wasn't pursuing women his own age. I was a kid, flattered by the idea of an older man, and didn't wonder back then.

 

I had always been a good girl in high school. It hadn't been difficult for me to hang onto my virginity, partly because I didn't feel attractive to boys anyway but also because I believed that when the "right boy" came along, I would know it. You'll notice I called the man I met all those years ago MY first love. I wasn't his. He was in unrequited love with someone else at the time, and according to my mother's wisdom, I spent a lot of time being the good listener and the kind friend so he would see I was the girl for him. He was the first man I ever wanted desperately to lose my virginity to. Finally I understood how my other girlfriends had felt about their boyfriends in high school.

 

But he was oblivious to me. We were good friends, or perhaps more correctly, I was his good friend. We spent a lot of nights together (no sex) and had endless hours of conversations, mostly about his feelings and his needs, until I finally had to tell him how I felt about him and was told he could never see me "that way." And yes, I realize it's pointless all these years later to start blaming him for anything, especially since I was always right there to let him walk all over me. He never said he didn't love me because I was fat and ugly, but that was how I took it. I have a truckload of unresolved issues surrounding him, but I'm not sure I will ever get to the bottom of them. I wish I had tried to back then.

 

Believe me when I say that my head is exploding with the possible implications of my recent self-exploration. Was I ever a lesbian, or was I just having lesbian relationships? I can remember feeling love for women, but it's like it happened to a different person. Except for my first love, I never allowed myself to feel emotionally for any man although I've had sex with six or seven of them.

 

Needless to say, my friends who are lesbians are reacting in different ways. Some of them are quite uncomfortable, some of them say I should do what makes me happy and others have said they never believed I was gay anyway. When you bind yourself up in identity politics for eighteen years it does weird stuff to your brain, needless to say. LOL I wish I hadn't been so adamant, back around 1987, that there was no such thing as bisexuality.

 

I should add that I have always surrounded myself with a variety of people. I have friends of all ages, all walks of life and all sexual orientations. It's always been important to me to get to know all kinds of people, which is probably why I'm not in a rubber room now over the possibility that I may not be the "kind of people" I'd always assumed I was.

 

When I think about being honest with a man now, it's too hard for me not to be defensive, which is one reason I haven't tried to date anybody yet. My best friend's brother, whom I've known since I was about five or six, was divorced last year and I've tried to interest him in going out -- just as friends -- if for no other reason than to get used to being around men again and with someone who's already in the know about me so I wouldn't have to worry about what if he "found out." He doesn't seem too receptive, probably because he's busy with his kids, visitation, etc. so I don't hold that against him.

 

It's not that I am desperate to marry. I never wanted children so that's not a factor. It's nothing to do with my biological clock or anything like that. I just would like to have a close emotional relationship with another human being. Seeing my words written on this screen makes me wonder if I'm not too sick and broken to hope for that, though.

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there,

 

I don't think you're too sick and broken......you sound like a very intelligent, insightful, wise and honest person who's on a different path in life now.

 

Have you ever considered professional counselling? Like with a psychologist? I think you have a lot you have to 'get out'...and I really think you need a trained professional to help you do this, so that you can hopefully feel better about yourself and learn that "you are OKAY!"...

 

JAG

[Ryan]

Have you ever considered professional counselling? Like with a psychologist? I think you have a lot you have to 'get out'...and I really think you need a trained professional to help you do this

 

Exactly what I've been trying to say.

 

You're still barely scratching the surface with what you're describing here...and I can understand the hesitance to really flush EVERYTHING out. This just isn't the place nor the people to truly give you the lengthy support and guidance you're going to need. I emphasize NEED....because you want to do this for yourself so you can move on to truly healthy relationships.

[Tony T]

Counselling or no counselling, commit to being a heterosexual, a homosexual or a bisexual and move on with your life. Yes, counselling is great but no therapist can give you an extra day on the planet. Time moves on.

[HokeyReligions]

I'm in a hurry so I skimmed thru most of the posts. What I gleaned is that it is not about sexual orientation at all, but of emotional upheaval.

 

Counseling is fine to help you sort out your feelings about yourself and what you want and need from various relationships.

 

By that I mean friendship relationships with people of either sex, and romantic relationships - again from PEOPLE and it doesn't matter if they are male or female.

 

it's also not just a matter of what you want from other people, but what do you want to put into a relationship?

 

There are so many aspects to a relationship. Sometimes we want to be taken care of, sometimes we want to be the caregiver, sometimes we just want to be alone. We want independence sometimes too. We want all of those things, and more, at different times within a single relationship.

 

Find out what your priorities are first - counseling can help you here.

 

My suggestion is, while you are finding out about yourself, don't reveal too much of your past. As you get to know people, you will be able to find out what you are looking for and whether that person fits the bill for you, and whether you fit the bill for that other person.

 

Then, if they ask, or if you feel they should know, about your past, you can reveal it. Ask yourself, how much do you want to know about the other persons past? Would it upset you to know that a man you are dating had homosexual relationships in his past?

 

When my husband and I were dating we discussed past relationships and the first thing he said, before I revealed anything, is that it didn't matter one iota to him because they were my past, and whatever I learned about myself made me what I am today and the person I am today is the one he loved. That's all he needed to know.

 

I, on the other hand, was very curious and I was ready to hear about his past. Even though I tried to adopt his view, there were some things that hurt my feelings. But I also knew that I was in control of how I felt about those things and I chose to let the hurt feelings go and trust him. It's worked out for us for over 20 years!