ilmw Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Hi all, Some may remember me... been away for awhile.... maybe should have come back sooner. My wife and I reconciled back in October 2007... everything seemed to be great... I ended up moving back in Jan 08.... and before the month was over... she wanted me to move out. So... I did.. she went back to the clown she was seeing when we split before... and mid way through this June... I should be divorced. I am still stunned about this.... it came from nowhere... and the speed she has gone after the divorce.... it .. well shocking. Considering the things she said to me when we were back together.... how she made a mistake ever getting separated from me in the first place? She now is saying it was a mistake... and I should have never moved in with her... now that I agree with... it was to soon... All I can do ... is think of the maybes and the coulda woulda shoudas?? I have learned quickly this time... not to dwell on it... I did learn a lot from our prior separation... Oh well. Now I am back... I should have come back sooner... this place helped a lot before... and now that I got the final notice for my divorce... I kinda took ... a spiralling plummet... with the attitude. There... that felt better. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Sorry to hear the bad news, I had so hoped that you and she had reconciled. I was only married once and never reeconciled ~ lived with another one for six and half years, (won't be doing that again!) Both of them knocked me on my ass. As I've stated IMHO, the need to be in a relationship, as well as the fear of being alone is a weakness to be over-comed. After I broke up with my last LTR GF I made my mind up that I was going to learn to be comfortable with living single and alone. That if and when I ever did get into another relationship it would be because I wanted to ~ not needed to just to be in a relationship for any reason. I've learned that you don't have to be by yourself to feel alone ~ and I will never allow myself to become so emotionally dependent upon someone ever again that they're leaving (by choice or not) would not be as crippling to me. As I told both the ex-wife and GF, "I was doing fine and as happy as I could be ~ before I ever meet you, I'll do just fine without you ~ even if it means re-learning what I already once knew! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 I'm so sorry to hear this. We're here for you. ((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 This goes to show that once a relationship comes to an end, it really does and any reconciliation is just delaying the inevitable. This is a reminder to all those who come to LS to learn new strategies to reconcile. The effort really ought to be directed into strategies to move on and start a new beginning. No one has shown more resilience than Ilmw in his pursuit of a reconciliation with his wife. With all due respect Ilmw, your wife's emotional stability and maturity is doubtful. Would you agree? Ikmw, why do you think she came back? Did the OM lose interest? If that is the case, the chances are, he or she will lose interest again? Would you want her back again? Good luck man! Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Yeah, It's been my observation that by the time most of the people here are posting on Loveshack, trying to find some magic way to save their marriage, it's really already doomed. Even if you salvage the marriage after an OM, or emotional affair, or the "I'm not in-love with you" speech.. much of the damage has already been done and you are prolonging the pain. It just comes back to haunt you 6 or 12 months later.. Two people should both truly want to be together for a relationship to work. If one is wishy-washy, or wants out.. best thing to do is let them! LS is a good site to figure out how to move on from these situations.. just the heart wants to salvage the past.. that's the predicament. But there is life after divorce.. very good life! But you have to move on to get to that good life! Link to post Share on other sites
john-1968 Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 ilmw I´m sorry to hear this news, as I thought you two would be one of the VERY few success stories I´ve been able to read here. I was really rooting for you guy´s and it saddens me to hear that after all the hard work you´ve done, she still cant see what shes throwing away. You have done what you can my friend, time to let this go, I´m afraid. You did your best in improving yourself, and at the same time, she did nothing to improve herself or tackle the issues that led to the break up in the first place. You have the hardest part behind you, and you lived through it, and made yourself in to a much better person. I´m talking about the first break up. This one should be much easier to deal with because you've had to deal with the pain before, this will be a walk in the park for you this time. This is all about you now, your a good guy, you tried, she failed. Time to go out and find someone who appreciates all that you have to offer and start enjoying your life again with out having to walk on egg shell´s all the time. Good riddance to bad rubbish! Take care my friend, You are somebody that deserve´s more, now go out and get it!!!! John Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 We are drawn to and tend to marry the person who is our oppossite and who tends to reflect the un-resolved pain from our childhood, that is to say we're unconsciously drawn to the person who your unconsciousness feels will help us to resolve un-resolved issues of our childhood. Couple chooseeach other to fullfill their childhood needs, Oftentimes once those issues and needs have been resolved? We move on because we've grown and change or the other person reverts back to childish immature behavior because the other person has changed, grown, and matured. The way you get through the pain and the fear is just walk through it. The way you get through Hell, is just walk through it to the otherside. Now is the time ~ perhaps for the first time to just give yourself just five day so of self indulgence. Where you finally for the first time in a long time put yourself first and make yourself No.#1, ahead of everyone else and you don't care about anything or anyone else but yourself. You can't turn back the hands of time. What was ~ was, what is ~ is, and what will be will be Who you were was the person that you were ~ then. You're a totally different person ~ now. And had you known what you know now you would have been a different ~ better person. But at the time ~ the person you were was all you had to work with. Don't examine the past ~ just let it go ~ and become totally committed to living in the present and future. What are you going to do with the rest of your life. A second chance at life, where everything that was wrong with your life ~ can be set right. You're now free to live your life the way you want without conditions, limitations, hesitation. Now is the time to slay the demons and dragons of your life. What s in the past is in the past. Good or bad, right or wrong ~ you did your best ~ you gave your best ~ the best that you knew how to do at the time. You've got to find the strength and courage to move forward in your life and to ground yourself in the present. To concentrate and focus on the present and move forward with and in your life ~ into the future. Let yourself off the hook ~ and seek forgiveness for your yourself ~ for yourself. Develop a plan, a contract a strategity fo living. Be commited and passionate in and with your life. Be committed to living up to your full potential everyday. Be the best that you can be ~ everyday. Daily choose to deliberately be an optiomist and not a pestimist! Let the Healing Fire consume you! Random enteires my the Journal of Gunny376 ~ 1991 ILMW ~ start keeping a daily or weekly journal. You will gain great insight from it in just months time ~ and you will be amazed at how far you have come in just a few months ~ and my friend, compared to over two years ago just on here you've come miles and miles and miles. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 Yeah, It's been my observation that by the time most of the people here are posting on Loveshack, trying to find some magic way to save their marriage, it's really already doomed. Even if you salvage the marriage after an OM, or emotional affair, or the "I'm not in-love with you" speech.. much of the damage has already been done and you are prolonging the pain. It just comes back to haunt you 6 or 12 months later.. Two people should both truly want to be together for a relationship to work. If one is wishy-washy, or wants out.. best thing to do is let them! LS is a good site to figure out how to move on from these situations.. just the heart wants to salvage the past.. that's the predicament. But there is life after divorce.. very good life! But you have to move on to get to that good life! Reconcilation ~ solid and good reconcilation not only is possible ~ but does happen. Trouble is? Well its like those ads your see in the newspaper looking for people to sell cars that say: "You too can make $100,000 a year selling cars!" That's true you can, trouble is some do, but most don't. Just enough do to make it seem possible and plausiable. Sixty percent of all people that sell cars are out of the business within six months, niinety percent are out of it within than less than one year, (true for most sales jobs). The truth is that once you've either sold a car or attempted to sell a car to everyone you know and/or kin to ~ they fire you. Reconcilation doesn't work 99% of the time, but its the 1% that pull it off that makes the other 99% that they too can pull it off. The truth of the matter is that the time to begin working on saving your marriage is the day you say "I do!" Problem is that most of us lack the skill set, knowledge and experience to pull it off. Women need to be heard as in HEARD! Not just listened to. Their thoughts count, their feeling count, they matter! Not just heard and brushed away and off. Opionions do matter. They're people to. Women have a need to "talk it out" (Ref: "Whem Mars and Venus Collide" and "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes") 1. Mirror 2. No judginging 3. "I'm getting it." 4. I understand." 5. Is there more 6. Ask inquiring questions ~ take it to a deeper level 7. Summarize 8. Validate 9. "I 'get" understand and appreciate your truth 10. Women want to be heard 11. Women want to be validated 12. "Do you see I'm not crazy!" 13. Empathize her feelings her sadiness, her anger, her contempt, her worthiness. And again from my journals ~ "Do your eyes light up when your wife/SO/Children walk into the room each and every time?" Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 WOW!!!! I am sad to have to read this thread ILMW, I thought you guys had made it. I do have to agree once you separate it is very hard to get back together. I think part of it is because of the freedom you do have when you are single but people don't look at the big picture. The other day on this radio station I listen to they were explaining how many people a divorce hurt, but the person that does the divorce can't see it. I know you have learned a lot & hopefully it will help you down the road. Like my buddy asked me; have you done everything you could do? I have to say you went past what you could do, you did everything you could plus some but when the other person isn't interested there isn't anything you can do about that. ILMW, I'm very sorry. If you ever want to chat/vent/complain you know how to get a hold of me. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 D@mn.... I've been wondering about you... hoped like everyone else that it really worked out for you. Be proud of yourself, you did everything possible, no shame. You know the drill.. keep on keepin on. I'd guess it's hit harder now that this time you know it's over. Going through it twice in a way. Don't hold back, we're here... I'm still walking my way out of the deep woods myself. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 Ilmw, it's great to hear from you again!! I've been thinking a lot about you! Sorry to hear your wife decided to flake out on you again, but you and I both know the drill. This is about HER issues, not you. From day one, you stepped right up to the plate and you did a LOT of work on yourself. You did your best at maintaining a good relationship with her, for your boy, and you always kept your dignity and character. I dont think I ever heard you say one bad thing about your wife, even after all the really crappy things she did to you. And that alone, is very very commendable. I just wish your wife would have done the same amount of growth herself. I questioned her strength of character the first time she found your posts on LS and got unreasonably upset. And now, instead of putting 100% back into your marriage, she remained in contact with the other man. This is HER failure, not yours. You've been given a great opportunity here. You are one of the very lucky ones to have been given a second chance, and you can now sleep well knowing you've done everything humanly possible to try to save your marriage. I would hope you will have a lot less guilt this time than the first round. A lot less "woulda shoulda coulda"s. Take comfort in that! You have shown a LOT of dedication and very good qualities women look for in a man, and I know as soon as you are ready to start dating, you are going to have your hands full! (You're great looking, have that blue flu working for you, AND you can dedicate yourself to the woman you love, who could resist that?) And when the time eventually comes, and you find someone very special who deserves your love, she will be a VERY lucky woman to have such a man who can arise to the occasion and do what needs to be done. Stick around! I just know you are going to be a success story! Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Hey ILMW. Sorry to hear this is how things evolved, but glad to see you back here. Hopefully those who were a support to you in the past can pick that up again now. What a rollercoaster for you. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. One thing I noted is that your wife has never been alone through any of this - she had you or she had the other guy. You on the other hand worked hard on yourself, by yourself. Personal growth and new knowledge, wisdom and strength through this situation is one martial asset that isn't gonna be split down the middle. You've got almost all of it, and it will serve you very well one day not nearly as far away as it must seem now. I have a friend whose marriage dissovled in a similar way. She blindsided him by announcing she wanted out (there was another man) and then see sawed back and forth as her needs and emotional terrain shifted. There was a reconciliation that failed when she resumed with the other man and they ultimately divorced. She acted very compulsively and her feelings and decisions flipped overnight more than once. It was hell for her husband, who was a good man. She is a good person as well in most ways, but the events of those months were driven by her own weaknesses and failings. I suspect the same might be true in your situation. My cousin is a cop in Northern Ontario as well. OPP now. He was married in 2006 and his wife pulled out of the whole thing less than a year later. There was another guy in that situation too, and he was absolutely devastated. He has since found a fun, very attractive and dedicated girl to spend time with and he's doing so much better. That's one thing you're going to have going for you...lots of girls dig cops! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 You will never have regrets for not trying to make it work. Now that you have finality, hopefully it will make it easier to move forward in your life. She's not worth the grief. Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Thought I'd bump you back up to the first page and let you know I'm thinking of you, as are a few other LSers I'm sure. Hang in there ILMW. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Thought I'd bump you back up to the first page and let you know I'm thinking of you, as are a few other LSers I'm sure. Hang in there ILMW. Ditto that Buddy, but I'm sure he's out on patrol it being a Friday night and all Even though he's off duty. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Sometimes the best answer is alcohol Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Sometimes the best answer is alcohol Granted! Sometimes? You've just got to say, "WTF!" Link to post Share on other sites
husbndinthemaking Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Sorry, I do not agree with this. I am on the mend right now. Could this change? Yes. Sure. But I am not going down without a fight. My wife seems to be happier now because of it.(At least that is the impression I am getting) This goes to show that once a relationship comes to an end, it really does and any reconciliation is just delaying the inevitable. This is a reminder to all those who come to LS to learn new strategies to reconcile. The effort really ought to be directed into strategies to move on and start a new beginning. No one has shown more resilience than Ilmw in his pursuit of a reconciliation with his wife. With all due respect Ilmw, your wife's emotional stability and maturity is doubtful. Would you agree? Ikmw, why do you think she came back? Did the OM lose interest? If that is the case, the chances are, he or she will lose interest again? Would you want her back again? Good luck man! Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Where are you ilmw? Talk to us. I know you're hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 Thanks everyone who posted Im doing really good... Still have my moments... still feel the shock.. and YES... resentment.. but it does not consume me... I have been really busy lately... just bought a house... back in my home town.. now I'm only going to be 3 mins from my son... instead of 35 mins.... not far from his school... but not on the same beaten path as my stbxw.. or the OM... I figured out why I never did this before.. and that was I had a deep seated belief. ... desire to re conciliate.. Now... screw it... I need to be my on landlord... I hate renting.. and now... I feel like I am moving on with my life... not sitting in limbo.... progress... for myself... and this is truly an exciting time in my life.. It is a good thing I had this time off... or I would be truly scrambling... I have been back and forth ... with arranging financing.. realestate stuf... paper signing.. and running my son to soccer.. etc... How would I have managed to get all this done... if I had to work... lol Its all good! Also... I want to say... I am truly touched by you all... your thoughts.. and words.. do make a difference... but its different this time. I don't need it... but all the same... feels good. so... THANK YOU ONE AND ALL! I'll be back... P.S. If there are typos... sorry... I am sitting on the deck... with my shirt off soaking up some rays.... and my lap tops screen is hard to see, as the sun is so bright life is good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 Well just dropped my son off at school... had him for the entire weekend again... We had a great time. He took me out for Father's Day lunch.. but I had to pay... ??? We went to Home Depot... to pick out the colour for his room in my new house... he was kinda excited... but hey, he is six... and losses interest fast..lol (it was his idea to go there too) Now.. this place is all too quite... and I am missing him already... it is a good thing I have to go back to work in a few days.. I have done all I can do.. and spent way to much money already.. (for the new house)... now I have to hide my wallet... and sit on my hands... (to much time to dwell) Kinda sad... I wont see him till next Sunday... Its amazing how much.. such a little person ..can make a difference in your day... There... feel better... lump in my throat has gone.. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 Looks like you are coping... as are we all. Keep focusing on being a great Dad for your son. That is one thing you have control over Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 Looks like you are coping... as are we all. Keep focusing on being a great Dad for your son. That is one thing you have control over Yup... that is what I do... He comes first. When I married... I took a vow.. and made a promise... I keep my promises... unlike some.... I have him for the next few days... its his birthday soon... He will be away... so I gave him his present today... He has been asking for this thing.. for over a nearly a year... lol (you should have seen his face) Moving soon... only a few more weeks... can't wait to get into my own house. Been nice here... but it is not mine... Hope everyone is well.... well as they can be... You will get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Glad to hear that your doing well ilmw, and it sounds as though your doing really well. Kepp of keeping on! And drop in on us from time to time! Link to post Share on other sites
CryingCanuck Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 (I) I'm so sorry for you, I know you had such high expectations and you worked so damn hard at things to be a better person for yourself (1st.) and for your family. You may recall but I also had an original separation and yes I did take her back and yes it was so hard to do but we did last another 12 years or so before this latest, LAST AND FINAL one. One thing I've honestly learned from my experiences from this is that it's so true what they say. The first cut is the deepest, then we ride it out and live with whatever life throws at us. Now my good friend, I hope you move on, finally leave this permanently behind you, now there are no more what iffs, or whatever. You tried so hard to fix it and you didn;t fail, she failed... REMEMBER THAT. Hope I run into you again on here ( I ) you;re good people same with Dgirl and Gunny and the rest.. OH hi guys :-) CC is doing just fine thank you.... Link to post Share on other sites
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