I have a problem: I'm still not over it

[WaryHeart]

Nearly five years into our marriage, I take responsibility for still being haunted by my husband's early attempts to "step out" on our marriage. He has made valiant attempts to open his life up to me, to communicate his feelings, and to stop walking out whenever we are in conflict. We've been through a separation and have gone to counseling. Unfortunately I cannot, or maybe more accurately "do not want to" get past some of the lies I've caught him in, which lead me to suspect that he's gotten really good at just telling me what I want to hear. I have to take responsibility for not laying down the law the first time it happened, for first kicking him out then literally begging him on my knees to stay.

 

My husband actually told me when we were dating there were things about him I would never know. I take responsibility for marrying someone who accounced his opacity so bluntly. Obviously he was telling me who he was, but I had such incredibly low self-esteem (too long to get into here) that I thought it was my responsibility as a human to win him over and be the special someone who melted his heart. At what point does that trait of compassion and humanity become a lever to control someone? At what point does such apparent "saintliness" prove itself to be nothing more than overweening control backed by fear? I reached that point a while ago and am struggling with the way being in this marriage has broken me down and revealed my inadequacies.

 

The first betrayal was right after we got married, when I found a secret hotmail account full of emails to an old GF from 15 years ago. Actually, he didn't have her email address, he was just writing to any woman of the same name (a fairly common one) who came up on an internet search. I asked him why he felt the need to seek out this woman, and he said he didn't know, then he broke down crying and told me he had been molested. In my rush to comfort him and assure him he was not dirty in my eyes (or whatever else he was worried about), I let the matter of the emails fall by the wayside. I didn't want to bring it up again because THIS was the big secret he didn't want to tell me. How could I wound him by bringing this up again?

 

A few months later my H was placing ads on adultfriendfinder and theoneandonly.com, looking for a "Special Lady" to have e-sex and maybe RL sex with. I had been trying to be the perfect wife, and when I actually saw one of the ads, I became physically ill. He wrote that he was "Happily Married" but still looking for someone. How could I have displeased him in that short amount of time? At the same time, I was humiliated, I kicked him out then begged him to stay. He went to a counselor who advised him to leave me, as I was clearly too unstable and insecure to make this work. I accepted the blame for his need to seek outside stimulation or whatever. He refused to discuss it with me except to say it was a "mistake" and I needed to get over it. I didn't get over it--obviously--and eventually he told me he did it because he was angry with my daughter (from first marriage) for making a mess in the living room.

 

I can't put into words right now what this means to our family. It basically means I have to keep a tight lid on my daughter to avoid upsetting H. I resent this tremendously and feel that it's an unwinnable situation.

 

H also has a dear woman friend that he was infatuated with for years before we met. I met her several times, she was in a lesbian relationship and I did not perceive her as a threat to our marriage at all, until I found pictures of H and her hidden in his car. I snooped some more and found emails of him to her, all signed "Love You Always" and credit card statements showing birthday lunches and small gifts. He claims this is only a friendship, but they have worked together for 10 years. When he transferred, she did too (I recently learned).

 

The final straw was him lying about taking a guy from work to lunch. I asked him why he would lie about it; it made no sense to me. He said he didn't think I liked the guy. I heard a few unsavory things about him, but I've never met him, and never said anything derogatory. A week after the lie, we were in counseling and seemed to be making progress, then a few weeks later I was upset thinking about these deceptions and attempts to go outside the marriage, and shared my sadness and anger. He packed his stuff and moved out, telling me he was going gay, that I was a lunatic, and that I deserved my first husband's abuse.

 

We reconciled a couple of weeks later, when he broke down and begged me to accept him back into our home. I felt ambivalent, but accepted mainly because I was finishing my bachelors' and didn't want to lose financial security for my daughter and I.

 

I was accepted to grad school, but I feel like it would be better to get a job and plan to leave. Even though we are reconciled, even though my H seems very happy and content (and I often am too), I feel upset and disgusted with him *far* more often than I should. At this point he can sense it, but he's out of town on business and I don't want to hash things out on the phone with him, upsetting his trip. To be frank, I'm scared ****less of disclosing how I often feel to him.

 

Ultimately, I take responsibility for choosing to stay with someone I mistrusted, both for material security and the need to prove that I wasn't a worthless, disposable wife. As crappy as it sounds, now that I have at least the baseline college education I feel that I could support my D and me. He can have the house. I feel like I've been kowtowing to abusive or deceptive men all my life and I'm ready to break my "rusty cage."

 

I need your honest opinions, shared experiences, anything. I'm really lost here, not fully decided on what to do. I am depressed, angry and bitter.

[WaryHeart]

I should give some space to the positives:

 

H is the best friend I've ever had;

He is a supportive mentor;

I love his gentle personality and vivacity;

He is organized and practical;

He is physically attractive to him (but less so than before);

He finds me physically attractive (though not at first);

He seems willing to give me most of what I need to feel trust, including allowing me to check his cell phone and email (I don't like to stoop very often to that level);

We have our own private love language!

 

It is an extremely warm and affectionate relationship, as long as the bugaboos of his betrayal/my anger and paranoia are not brought up.

[WaryHeart]

Just found out tonight he has a membership card to a strip club downtown. Was helping him unpack from his annual separate vacation to attend a hobby conference, found in his toiletries bag. We had a little discussion about it, it got heated and he told me he's been going to the strip club every year for the past 14??? years. (we've been married for five)

 

He felt it was best that I didn't know.

I asked him once if he wanted to stop and have a drink at a local strip club...we went one time when we were dating, and he didn't like going with me...he said not again, those places were sleazy.

Now I find out he has a friggin membership card.

Jebus.

[Leikela]

Waryheart,

 

As painful as leaving him will be, I would say it would probably be your best option right now. Your relationship is VERY broken and it seems as though all the counseling you have been through hasn't really made that much of an impact.

 

You mention all the positives of your relationship, but do they out weigh the negatives?? I don't see how mistrust along with the lying and cheating can be justified by the positives you wrote.

 

We all love some things about our partners, but that doesn't always mean that they are right for us. Your husband obviously has many, many deep rooted issues himself. He needs extensive counseling and what happened to his going gay proclamation? He is confused and you will NOT have any sort of stability to your marriage, ever. Weigh your options.... If you can deal with the roller coaster, then stay. If you want out, then pack up and leave. There's no reason why you have to put up with his BS any longer, no matter how "loving and affectionate" your relationship seems to be.

[Stone]

If he has a membership card at a strip club that means he is VIP so he either is there alot or when he is he spends a hell of a lot of money! GET OUT OF THIS

[shaekwon]

The past will always be there to haunt you. You can try tp ignore it but Trust will always be an issue. I'm caught in the same situation as I speak. It's not easy to pack your bags and go. One of my fears is the legal side of the house...custody battles , money issues...that's what I fear!

[km82794]

You mention all the positives of your relationship, but do they out weigh the negatives?? I don't see how mistrust along with the lying and cheating can be justified by the positives you wrote.

 

She took the words right out of my mouth!!!!

 

Honey, you're smart enough to know what to do, now act on it!

[jeff65]

your husband is a classic sex addict

 

There is help for him if he wants to get control over his life

and there is help for you in S-Anon Codependants support groups

 

They'll help you find groups in your area-It's a highly confidential, non- profit organization- it costs nothing except a donation each meetin like a buck or two to remain up and running.

 

Seek help.Believe me you guys are not alone. There are plenty of couples like you out there.It's sad but sex is like a drug for some- it doesn't mean your husband is a bad person, just a very sick person who not only puts sex before his own health and well-being but more importantly before yours. No matter how he promises you he'll stop-he probably can't and won't without some help. Refuse to continue a sexual relationship with him unless you see him working at changing in a program of some kind-My wife can give you more help if you'd like.

 

Sexaholics Anonynous

PO Bo 111910

Nashville TN 37222-1910

 

(615) 331-6230

[ThisGirlNameKD]

No man can step out on you with other women and turn around and say that he loves you. He doesn't love you. But you have to admit as you have, you're partly responsible for him cheating on you with other women because instead of doing something about it, you've allowed it to happen, therefore you taught him how to treat you....which was, to walk over you. No man has love and respect for a woman who allows themselves to be a doormat for that man. And wanting or demanding love from this man is dead right now. He's not even worth it. I'm happy that you're working on your degree, but more importantly, you need to start working on yourself. You will never get the healthy love that you desperately want because you're not healthy and so anyone that you get involve with will also be unhealthy. You were in an abusive relationship with your past husband, and now you're in one with this one. This is a pattern for you and it's because of your low self-esteem. Until you build your esteem up, you can not expect your husband to treat you any better. Look into getting counseling for yourself and your daughter, read books to build yourself up, and leave your husband alone. As scared as it maybe for you to leave him (which you may eventually have to do), you have to gain strength and faith in yourself and your abilities to know that you will make it without him, you will be happy without him.